WEAK I Wrap-Up and Disposal

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK I FINAL RESULTS

Wow, what a way to kick-off the season!!!! All the greats lost yesterday, and Gaguars won because they played the Broncos, who have every intention of breaking into this division, now that Mike Shanahan finally left town, and they can start making Slurples in the trainer’s room. And boy didn’t the Niners look like serious Doormat material?? They had it ALL going on yesterday.

Yours truly has to think this over, because I really like the Bears who won yesterday in such stellar cellar style that it is hard to pass them up…even if they did win. But my Niners….whoo-eeee.

But enough of my options, let’s get down to brass tacks:

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Bears 19, Lions 14

Now, it’s TRUE the Cheaps haven’t taken the field yet, so who knows what they are going to throw down, or up, but I don’t know if you can top this.

You cannot, I repeat, cannot top this ending- the Lions score a last minute touchdown, 19 seconds to go, and the receiver puts the ball on the rug before finishing the play, as he was in such a hurry to celebrate. Touchdown NULL!!! This loss, losing to their NFC north divisional rival in ineptitude- Da Bears- puts the Lions firmly in the driver’s seat in Weak I.

Couple that with QB Stafford getting his shoulder pulled like taffy again, and you’ve got a team heading south already.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK:

Seahawks 31 Niners 6

There were some other choices- Raydurz come to mind, that was pathetic- but any team that can hold the ball 22:30 to 7:30 minutes in the first half and be BEHIND 14-6 has really got cahones so small you could use an ANT to carry them both. Niners 1-15 on third down converts, and a gaudy 4.6 yards per pass play. That good old Bill Walsh “Dink ‘n Shrink” offense. Poor Bill….spinning in his grave, it’s got to be rough on the constitution.

LOSER and STIFF of the WEEK:

Nils 10, Floppers 15 with a nod to Deadskins 13, Cowgirls 7

The Kittens, Cheaps and Lambs better look out- there’s a new kid on the block, and he’s not going away any time soon. The Nils clock in with 9 first downs, 166 yards total offense, and Buffalo and Miami put together the most depressing opening day game for either team, except Miami gets out of Buffalo with less stink on them. The Nils pick up EXACTLY where they left off last season. It’s gratifying to see such consistency in a franchise.

Wrap-UP and Disposal

The TampaBums, Seahags, Gaguars the only winners, as the Bums tried valiantly, but could not out-horrible the Brownies. Seahags out of the league this week. The RAYDURZ showed us why maybe JaMarcus Russell spent so much time anesthetizing himself- they have NO offensive line. That was truly truly the Raydurz showing their independent spirit- nobody on the same page.

I twisted my back yesterday, and am going to go straight to the numbers, because I can’t sit in this chair any longer!!!!

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 6 - Niners ( I had this wrong!)

Total Yards: 166 Nils

Rushing Yards: 50 Nils (okay Colts got 44, but threw for 419 yards, so doesn’t count)

Passing Yards: 116 Nils (this is getting monotonous)

Turnovers: 5 Pansies- two of these were End Zone interceptions- total bonehead passes that had absolutely no chance. And they came in rapid fire- within 3 minutes of each other. Now that’s benching material….if they had another QB to put in there.

Penalties: 12- 91yards Cowgirls and 10 for 100 yards BEARS. That’s putting the hurt in a whistle.

Time of Possession: 23:00 NILS

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!