DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK II Wrap-Up and Dispoal

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK II Wrap-Up and Disposal

Some new contenders are appearing on the distant hash-mark, down there amongst the abandoned blocking contraptions and gin bottles the groundskeeper dropped.

Dallas Cowgirls 0-2 His dad he ain’t, but Wade Phillip’s bum must be getting pretty warm.

Minnesota Antiques- 0-2 Brett Favre doesn’t just LOOK old.

But, let’s face it, these new pretenders have nothing on our core group of experts, who really took it to the loss column yesterday. These guys are BANK. We know who I’m talking a-BOUT. Lambs! Brownies! Nils! Kittens!

Lambs lose to a terrible team! Brownies lose to a team that STILL hasn’t scored an offensive touchdown on a drive longer than 10 yards! Kittens lose two very close games, and the morale has to be wavering. Down they go! Nils! Nils! Nils! I don’t have to write a thing about those guys. I think they’re the IT team this year.

Game of the Weak

Raydurz 16 Lambs 14.

First, I’d like to point out that the Brownies and Cheaps bumbled their way to the same score, but I’m going with the Raydurz, who have it all down to a science, except that they keep putting Bruce Gradkowski into the game, the fans and team get inexplicably fired up, and they win. 25 first downs will not lose the game, men. Some game totals, from the blacked-out nether reaches of Oakland: 20 total penalties. 5 sacks. 3 interceptions. 3 fumbles, 9-27 on third downs. These teams were working it, but the Raydurz were no match for the Lambs, and who is? Sam Bradford is getting to work on his evasion skills, which he needs to work on, and Stephen Jackson is no help, even after my predictions, which were WRONG.

The Raydurz should release Gradkowski…they’re not getting any consistency this way.

Raydurz have done one thing right- got rid of the 4-headed running back, and now they give it to Darren McFadden, who has been their best back for 3 years but nobody noticed.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Bengals 15 Ravens 10

A true stinker is a game where there are no touchdowns, neither team gets more than 9 first downs, there are more than 15 punts, and at least 4 turnovers. Plus the weather is horrible, you forgot your poncho, your BBQ tipped over at the tailgate, melted your cooler, and you stepped in a dogpile on your way into the stadium, but don’t notice until you sit down. This is a hard standard to match, or exceed, but it helps sort things out when it’s almost too close to call. AND WE HAVE A CLOSE ONE.

Following these standards, the Bengals-Ravens win vs. Cheaps- Brownies by a FRACTION.

Here’s the comparison!

Ben/Rav Ch/Brwn

Punts 15 14

Turnovers 4 3

First Downs 28 29

Touchdowns 1 3

Penalties 14 13

But, I’m sorry you can’t score three touchdowns and be the Stiff of the Week.

WORST UNDEFEATED TEAM EVER

Celebrate now, Cheaps fans. This can’t last. I sure frikkin’ hope not. The Cheaps have NOT had a real touchdown drive. They are 2-0. The pathetic 0-and-9ers are coming to Arrowhead next week, and….God, they could go 3-0. Oh, this is painful. But, on the upside, after tonight’s blowout against the Saints, the Niners could nail town being my NFC team by losing in KC next week. I would have no choice buy to put on my Red and Gold and be one of the Pointlessly Faithful. But, come ON, Cheaps, you can’t go 3-0 and be in the Doormat Division. There’s just no perspective over there.

And let’s not forget the TampaBums. Also 2-0, admittedly playing only Doormat teams, and next week the unsteady Steelers limp into town. But at least it’s a real game.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

That’s tonight, sports fans. Saints-Niners. Although, the Falcons really did a serious beat-down on the Cardinals.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bums 20 Pansies 7. Pansies looking like they’ve opened some bigger holes in their porous defense, and have simplified their offense to a one touchdown machine. Watch out for these guys.

Kittens 32, Eagles 35 This had to really hurt at the Catbox (isn’t that their new stadium?), as Shaun Hill brings his A game to Detroit. Tantalizingly close. Still, he’s better than what the Niners got rid of him for.

Seahags LOSE! Yay. We can all appreciate this.

Gaguars Lose! Getting on track.

Nils 7, MeatPackers 34. I pretty much nailed this one. I understand the Nils. I am in harmony. But their not my team, so what kind of fool am I? 4 sacks, 2 interceptions, only 11 completions. 62 yards passing. Will the Nils win the anemic totals derby again this week? Let’s find out:

I really shouldn’t do this until tonight’s game ends, but WTF:

DOORMAT WEAK II ANEMIC STATS DERBY!!

POINTS: 7 Pansies, Cardinals

Total yards: 127 Steelers (and they WON)

Passing: 21 Steelers (21? 21?)

Rushing: 18 Deadskins (these guys are still on the radar)

Rushing BOTH TEAMS: 74 Bears-Cowgirls. Watch for many more losses from these two, though Mike Martz does have Jay Cutler happily slinging away.

Turnovers: 6 Gaguars (wow)

Penalties: 10-107 Cardinals

As you can see, the Doormat Division is getting a lot of competition around the league. The whole damn league is off to a Doormat start, if you ask me.

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT’s THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!