DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK III WRAP-UP and DIASPORA

Pansies roar to the doormat in the claws of the Bungles

DOORMAT WEAK III WRAP-UP and DIASPORA

Wow, What a difference a week makes, don’t it? Week III has a way of separating the men from the boys. Only 5 winless teams are left after a Sunday of gridiron beat-downs and shanked field goals. But, let’s get straight to the nitty-gritty ittby-bitty dirt eating dreadful football. There’s a LOT to cover.

GAME OF THE WEAK

Cheaps 31, O-and-Niners 10

The team that has no business winning clobbers the team that has no business playing football, as long they are coached by dumb people. The Niners have been ever-so-slightly flying under the Doormat radar, but NOT ANYMORE, no way, no how. And where is the Cowardly Lion when you really need him? This franchise is so delusional, they fired their offensive coordinator this morning. Almost got it guys, but your aim was a LITTLE WIDE LEFT, like most of the kicking yesterday.

Let’s just do the math: 5 sacks given up (and that’s with a mobile QB), 0 sacks for the Fool’s Goldrush. 43 yards rushing (Sunday’s low!) for a team built around Frank Gore. Maybe that’s the problem- half the offensive line is lining up BEHIND Frank Gore. If you saw any of this game, and I didn’t, it was also strikingly clear the coaching staff had prepared to play Sacramento St. The Cheaps may be bad (and after two games of ridiculous luck and then yesterday’s decisive beat-down, they may have caught the dreaded bug- confidence), but the 0-and-Niners are worse. And that’s what Week III brings home to everybody: UH-OH.

So, as you may already know, I couldn’t be happier that my Hometown team is BACK in the cellar, and not just hanging around but in FIRST in the NFC. Take that, St. Louis!!

Next Niner loss: Atlanta.

Lambs Win! Lambs Win!

St. Louis Lambs 30, Deadskins 15

Ho-Ho, Eggchair, you can’t deny it, you have a quality QB. I see at least 5 wins for these guys, especially with the increasing crop of crummy teams hanging around half the stadiums in America. The Deadskins are looking every bit more dead than last season, but let’s give credit evenly: 18 total punts. 4 total turnovers. These guys were trading sides so fast, that finally the Deadskins got mixed up and went to the locker room, giving the Lambs a skonch more room to operate. The Lambs already have 6 TDs on the year. Last year it took them eight WEEKS to get that.

Up next for the Lambs: Seahags, who inexplicably won yesterday on TWO kickoff returns. Could be a WIN for St. Louis.

Pats 38, Nils 30

Buffalo has now lost to NE 14 straight times, which ties them with most consecutive losses against the same team, all-time. They had a passing game yesterday, but still threw 2 drive killing interceptions, including the one that ended a final drive to tie.

The bad just keep getting badder…er Next loss: Jets

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK!

Eagles 28, Gaguars 3

For point spread, the Gags tie with the TampaBums (25), but Gags don’t score a touchdown, so put a feather in your throat and start the gagging, Jacksonville.

Michael Vick may have been able to beat these guys all by himself…oh, he did?

Gag's next loss: Colts

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

The Stiff of the Week is definitely Bungles-Pansies (20-7), and have you ever noticed that, though never completely in the cellar, the Bungles are involved in HIGH number of Stiffs? 14 punts (yet no returns on 8 punts for Pansies (wonder when the Pansies finally crossed the 50 on offense?), 6 turnovers. 20 changes of possession. They must have run out of ADS on TV and had to start running public service announcemounts by the 3^rd quarter, although, really, do we ever get tired of hearing “Old Spice, the Greatest Smell in the NFL?” I don’t.

Ravens 24, Brownies 17

Brownie Bake Sale just keeps on trucking with a cough-up in Baltimore. They were awarded FZ t-shirts and given a post-game reading of The Raven. Win column? Nevermore, you knuckleheads.

Steelers 38 TampBums 13

Bums are bad, but this is their FIRST loss, so I don’t even know why I’m talking about them. Get ‘em outta here.

Vikes 24 Kittens 10

Detroit unintentional QB Shaun Hill does his thing again- play like an under-control, disciplined QB for 25 minutes, and then toss up a freebie at least twice just to be considerate and not seem too cocky, or likely to win. Vikes win because Lions don’t know how.

Cardinals 24, Raydurzzzz 23

Raydurz kicker SeaBass misses what for him is a chip shot as time expires. The only guy who is MONEY on this team blows it at the gun, proving that when you make a culture of losing, anyone can step up at any given moment and screw one for the team.

Raydurz also still one of the best teams at bumbling, even without Ja-miss-it: On one punt, returner J.L. Higgins (3 returns for 8 yards, wow man) made a guy miss, then ran sideways and ran right back into the same guy.

WRAP-UP and Diaspora

Diaspora because this is the week of hot seat firings by teams that see the rats streaming off the ship. Niners top the list. Who’s next? STILL WINLESS: Kittens, 0-and-Niners, Pansies, Brownie-wownies, Nils. Worst team? Niners. They’ve scored less points, have worst turn-over +/- ratio, have terrible coaching, and are panicking as well.

Well done, San Francisco, the “city that knows how (to limp-wrist it).” Mark Oct. 24^th on your calendars, because that’s the day the Pansies visit Candlestink Park. Could be epic. My punting foot gets sore just thinking about it.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 3 Pansies

First Downs: 11 Niners

Total yards: 227 Cardinals (Niners 2^nd 251)

Rushing : 43 Niners

Passing: 54 Gaguars (wow!)

Least TDs for the year: 3 Pansies

Turnovers: 4 Gags

Penalties: 11 for 123, Raydurz (the #1 foot shooting team in the NFL, that’s because there’s more ammo in Oakland).

aaaAAAAAAAAAA that’s the view from the BASEMENT!!!!