Doormat Division Final Wrap-up and Heave into the Ocean

It’s all over. 17 long weeks of head-banging, jumping offside, throwing passes on one or two skips, total confusion on 3^rd down, missed assignments, firings that came too late, and the next week that came too early, the 2011 Doormat Division Season has come to a close, with only 1 final decision to be made in the Toilet Bowl. Who is the CHAMP?

NFC CHAMPION

Carolina Pansies 2-14

The Pansies were hailed as the odds-on favorite at the beginning of the year, and never wavered, except for the two games against NFC Worst bumblers San Francisco and Arizona. They were perfect the rest of the way, and 2-14 is high quality Doormat credentials. We put up the Pansy wallpaper weeks ago, we were so confident of this team’s abilities…or lack of them. Compiling a 2-4 record against Doormat members (I still include Seattle, though they finished out of the standings), the Men of Teal finish the season in the same way they started it, getting pummeled. The Pansies cross the finish line last in points, last in offense, and first in the Doormat NFC. The Pansies score only 196, staying under 200, the yardstick for true futility. QB Jimmy Clausen nails down the lowest passer rating in the entire league, at 55.00001, which is impressive considering Derek Anderson started the first 12 games for Arizona. They also won the Punting Derby, coming in at 95 with 7 punts yestereday. The Lambs came on hard yesterday with 9 punts, but switched to turnovers late in the game, and could not find that elusive, and may I say very hard to get, 10^th punt (you see, the other team has to punt it BACK). They ended up with 94, tied for 2^nd with the Deadskins and Crudinals [Just to give perspective on that stat, the Chargers had the least punts at 56].

In their final contest, they scored just where you might expect a team of such lofty quality. A field goal on the first drive after half-time (what a motivator coach Fox is!), and scored their TD on the LAST PLAY OF THE GAME, when the Falcons are playing their 72^nd string and an assortment of inebriated fans.

Our hats are off to the pride of the NFC Doormat Division! Way to go Carolina, we thank you and your fans thank you. Should you have any. But, of course, YOU DO, and that’s why we’re here. To give some kind of award for this kind of organized bumbling, because it’s just too painful to take it seriously. Somebody give me an AMEN.

AFC CHAMPION

We have a THREE-WAY-TIE!!!!

Nils, Bungles, Donkey-Buncos all 4-12!!!

All three of these Gods of Godawful lost yesterday, with the Nils losing big, the Bungles nearly winning (look out!) and the Donkey-Buncs making it look closer than it actually was. Thank the stars that we have 4-12, because 5-11 is not impressive Doormat credentials. 4-12 is just barely cutting it.

Let’s ZOOM IN- but not too close- and figure out who is REALLY the worst.

Cincinnati Bungles

The Bungles lived up to their name yesterday, committing FIVE turnovers, completely nullifying the fact that they outgained the Ravens 2-1 and had the ball for 10 more minutes. “A fumble is better than a punt” axiom was inspired by this team and they brought it to the final crucial game, putting the spheroid on the carpet 3 times (along with a little mint on a pillow). The Bungles end the year 2-2 against Doormat opponents, which includes the Pansies.

Denver Donkey-Bunco-Dinky-Donks

Can you tell I’m enjoying this one? The Buncos finish with their WORST season in their entire franchise history, a lofty 51 years of orange pants, orange crush, orange teeth and mysterious orange stains on the…never mind. The Oakland Raiders got in a 59-14 beatdown, the worst defeat in Bronco history (yes, worse than the Super Bowl embarrassment, because it’s the RAIDERS). Yesterday the Donks staged a furious rally against the Chargers at the end of the game, nearly catching up (probably the best Futile Comeback of the season), but still put one in the L column. Problem is, it’s screwed up their points-for points-against chances against the Nils. Doormat record for the year- 2-3, including a win over Seahags and losses to Lambs and 0-4-9ers.

Buffalo Nils

The Nils just gave up yesterday, with QB Fitzpatrick out for the game, and improved their chances by losing 38-7 to the Jet’s 3^rd string, increasing the PF-PA spread that they already had the lead in, our #1 tiebreaker. The Nils had 162 total yards yesterday, 6 first downs, and their only TD was an INT runback. 4 interceptions. This is Run to the Moldy Carpet kind of play. The Nils Doormat record is shocking- 3-1. They actually played a lot of good teams, and lost three OT games.

Ok well, so WHAT? What about the whole season?

Following is a breakdown of their Futile comebacks (FC)and Come From Ahead losses (CFA),BLOWOUTS (BO), points-for/against, doormat record, and the ‘overall quality’ SRS rating devised by Pro-Football-Reference.com (a combination of points, offense-defense averages, strength of schedule and quality of post-game spread). For example, the Pansies have an SRS rating of -13.2. The Crudinals -12.7. The Patriots are +15.4.

Team FC CFA BO Drmat w-l pf-pa SRS

Bungles 5 4 2 2-2 322-395 (-73) -1.4

Nils 6 2 5 3-1 283-425 (-142) -4.6

Buncos 3 5 2 2-3 344- 471 (-127) -8.9

I apologize for these columns. this blog just can't handle it.

Nils, though not with the worst SRS rating, have 5 blowouts. I don’t know, The Buncos are looking pretty good, but I’m leaning towards the Nils, who hold the best point differential.

I need a shout-out to the Basement regulars here, to make the final decision.

SPECIAL 2010 HONORS

The 10 Club (10 losses gets you in, and God knows when you are getting out)

Welcome new members!

Cowpies 6-10

Yikings 6-10

0-4-9ers 6-10

Crudinals 5-11

Donkeys 4-12

Titanics 6-10

Texass-tons 6-10

And the usual gang

Kittens 6-10

Deadskins 6-10

Pansies 2-14

SWAN DIVE OF THE YEAR:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES

The Brownies had climbed up to 5-7 and then plummeted back to the frozen turf for 4 straight losses, including the Bungles and Nils, finishing 5-11 and almost in contention for the frikkin’ Moldy Carpet! Wow!

LIFTOFF OF THE YEAR

We’ve got two

Oakland Raiders

The team that started the year a total laughing stock finishes up with a huge beat down of the phonies of the playoffs, the Kansas City Chiefs, and though they didn’t make the playoffs , they made it to 8-8, and don’t even have a spot saved for them in the basement anymore.

Detroit Lions

Win 4 in a row and I don’t call you the Kittens anymore. As predicted, the Lions kick the Yikings all over the Kat Box in Detroit and finish with 4 wins in a row, completely completely unheard of in Detroit. I really have no idea the last it was they did this. It has to go back a LOOOOOOONG ways. We still have a spot saved for the Lions, though, because they still got the 10 losses, and, well, they ARE the Lions. Wait ‘til next year to say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos!!

RIDICULOUS FRANCHISE OF THE YEAR

San Francisco 0-4-9ers

From not knowing when to fire Mike Singletary (last year?) to not having a GM, to having a 28-year old run the team for the worst family operation since Eddie D had to give up the reins.....I'm sure there's competition out there, but I'm going with what I know intimately. Nobody could be doing it any stupider.

Final Note From Wacko

Remember, you known and unknown readers out there, we write about the worst of the worst because it used to be our teams that were the worst…and some of them STILL ARE. We actually do LIKE it when one of these teams gets off the mat and starts winning. That’s the whole allure of sports- that someday your guys are going to put it together and storm into the Super Bowl and knock over everybody’s guacamole and end somebody elses’ season on a sour note. After all, the Pansies WERE in the Super Bowl not too long ago. As a 49er fan, it seems like a thousand years now. As a Lion fan, as Walkfish is, it’s been since 1957. He wasn’t even born yet. Some day, bro.

This has been a fabulous year to write about the Doormat, the competition has been stiff, keen, and terrible. Yes, we skewer everybody, but remember, we’re down here in the basement, waiting for one of these bumbling losers to turn it around, and believe me, we’ll be the first to recognize it. You don’t know who is really a winner until you understand the losers, because it’s extremely hard to succeed in NFL football. Almost every play is a failure, since most of them are designed, in the best possible outcome, to go for a TD. The variables are so many, the small- and huge- mistakes, it all adds up to having the odds stacked against you. The fact that anything goes RIGHT is pretty damned amazing. So, remember that when you throw your remote at the TV…for the 357^th time and swear you’ll never watch them again. Get off your ass, get out the stadium, and REALLY BOO. Finally, I'd like to say it is a pleasure and an honor to huddle up in the broom closet, flick on the space heater, fire up the Commodore-64 and freeze my ass off while typing up this review each week. Thanks to all and to my Basement brethren. We made it through another year. and we gained a possum.

Cheers, and thank you for reading-

Wacko

aaaaAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!