WEEK 9 EJECTION OF FORMER DOORMATS INTO...FIRST PLACE?!?

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!

RRRRRAIDERS 30, BRONCOS 20
We waited as long as we could.  You don't really climb out of the basement until you have guaranteed that you can't lose more than 7 games.  But this has to happen now:  CONGRATULATIONS,  OAKLAND RAIDERS, you aren't a Doormat anymore.  The team with the worst record for about the last 15 years has catapulted themselves into first place (WHAT??) in the AFC West, with a gaudy 7-2 record, and did it with a pretty complete manhandling on the offensive and defensive line.  The monstrous front line of the Oakland offense (6 down linemen on most plays), just pushed the Broncos all over the field, ran the ball through holes large and small like it was just fun to do, and gave Derek Carr plenty of time to throw the ball.

The 31st ranked Oakland D, which still somehow manages to keep the Raiders in every game, was stellar, completely shutting down the Broncos offense.  WTF, a complete game from a perennial doormat.

You never can be sure about teams that have been bad for so long...the wheels just might come off and kablooie, 7-2 turns into 7-9.  Not with these guys. Wheels not coming off. Not with those spiffy rims.

Denver did the Doormat numbers last night- no first downs for the first 5 possessions, 4 straight 3-and-outs to open the game, and the first team to get under 20:00 of possession time this year, with a stunningly measly 18:43 of ineffective offense (except for two huge plays).

The Raiders even got out-penalized,  12 to 8.  Last week they set a new NFL record with 23 for 200 yards, so wow.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 8

AFC

Cleveland -    0-9
Jacksonville - 2-6
NY Jets -       3-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
San Diego -   4-5
Indianapolis -4-5
Tennessee-    4-5

NFC

San Francisco - 1-7
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 3-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
Tampa Bay - 3-5
Los Angeles - 3-5

 THE GAMES

BROWNS 10, COWBOYS 35
Well, this one was a no-doubter from the first ominous chip-shot field goal for the Brown-outs.  Following that up with 21 unanswered points by the Cowboys- though we often count missed field goals and punts as "answers" around here- the Blanks had no problem- like having to blow a 20 point lead- this week.   0-9 and just try and stop them.

WHINERS 23, SAINTS 41
Looking slightly sharper in the first half this week, the Whines kept up with the Saints until the intermission, after which they did their usual implosion serenade, wrapping 3 fumbles and two punts around a measly field goal, while 49er flagmen in gold hard hats directed the Saints to the end zone a couple times.  1-7 and a steamroller, baby.  However, Kaepernick is uncorking some bombs and look for the 49ers to have trouble losing to the Bears (12/4) or the Jets (12/11).  They have a lot of work to do to stay with the Browns.

JESTS 23,  DOLPHINS 27
It was anybody's game to lose, and the Jests stepped up and claimed it. Taking the lead late in the 4th quarter (23-20) on a bungled punt by the Dolphins, the Nyets kick off and pin the Flops at the 5 yard-line..but NO!  There was an offside, and this time the Jest-setters get it right- a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD and Bob's Your Uncle, they nail down another loss.  Very creative losing.

Another game in the new brand of doormat play- entertaining, lots of lead changes, whoa.  Dolphins pull into Parity Division with 4-4 record.

GAGUARS 14,  CHIEFS 19
The Chiefs, always boring, but never exciting, win by 5 points, and it feels like 30.  The Jags can out-mediocre anybody.  Just set that bar a little lower...lower.

BOOTINEERS 28, FALCONS 43
It was 40-14 at one point, OK?  Falcons coasted home with this one, as that Bucs defense...wait, did they use a defense yesterday? As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway,  they "used it carefully and wisely."  Bucs 3-5 and up against it next week against the Bears.  Huge game. Pack extra Twinkies.

RAMS 10, PANTHERS 13
Remember when the Rams were 3-1 and leading the NFC West?  I don't either.  Walkfish accurately predicted this stiff to be the STIFF OF THE WEEK, though one always has to wait for the Seahawks to play before calling that one.  3-5 now, both of them.  Panthers have won 3 straight.  I think they're headed for relevance, considering what a Pile of Parity the NFL is this year.  8-8 is gonna get you in the playoffs.

The Titanics nailed down another loss, avoiding a winning record (whew), and the Colts actually WON a game against the confused identity of the Green Bay Packers.

TONIGHT:  SEAHAGS vs. BILLS.   Somehow the Hags are 4-2-1, even though they can't score, but the Bills are at 4-4 and can almost get back in the basement with a loss tonight.  Go Nils!!

aaaAAAAAND That's the View foaming from the Basement!!!!

From Doormat to Contender

Every year, all teams are hopeful. I think if the Carolina Panthers had had this cheerleader give them a pep talk before each game, or maybe just strike this pose, they would have run through a wall for her.

And now let's go from DOORMAT TO CONTENDER. 1. After 300 years of losing, the first step to becoming a contender is to beat all those teams you used to hang out with. You let them know you’ve moved to a new neighborhood. Next you actually rise up and clock teams that have winning records, and put that seed of doubt in their minds about the playoffs, should they see you again.

Which of our new playoff teams have done this?

Detroit Lions (10-6)

First appearance in playoffs since 1999

Beat Doormats? Yes. Vikings (2), Bucs, Panthers, Cheaps

Beat Winners? NO.

Other victories: 8-8 Club- Bears, Raiders, Chargers, Broncos, Cowboys. All 8-8.

LOSSES: Saints, Packers (2), 49ers, Falcons, Bears. Basically, every playoff team and the Bears would have been one if Jay Cutler stays healthy (but would have counts for nothing in the NFL..or anywhere else).

Sayonara, Lions.

Denver Donky Bunco Bunks (8-8)

Sorry I just can’t help it.

First appearance in playoffs since 2005 (these guys are the 8-8 kings)

Beat Doormats? Yes. Cheaps, Chargers, Dolphins, Vikings.

Beat Winners? Yes. Bengals (it counts!)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Jets, Chargers, Bears, Raiders.

Losses: Bills, Cheaps, Lions, Chargers, Packers, Titans, Raiders. That’s losing to a wide variety of teams.

Doesn’t look good. Need Miracle.

Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)

Last Playoff appearance: 2009 (won AFC North)

Beat Doormats? YES. Browns (2), Colts, Jaguars, Seahawks, Lambs, Bills.

Beat Winners? YES. Titans

Other Victories: 8-8 club- Cardinals

LOSSES: Broncos, 49ers, Ravens (2), Steelers (2), Texans

They lost by 1 point to the Texans. 1. They have a solid chance to win this time.

San Francisco 49ers (13-3)

Last playoff appearance: 2002

Beat Doormats? YES. Seahawks (2), Bucs, Browns, Redskins, Lambs (2)

Beat Winners? YES. Giants, Lions, Steelers, Bengals (ok, admittedly, these are 2 ex-doormats, but that’s crucial to establishing who belongs in the new neighborhood.)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Eagles, Cardinals

Losses: Cowboys, Ravens, Cardinals

These guys belong in the new neighborhood. Still going to have rough time against Saints, if Saints beat Lions. If Lions win, then it is Giants-Falcons winner.

DOORMATS IN THE PLAYOFFS

Wait, you say, isn’t the run to the Moldy Carpet over, except for the Strat-o-Matic vibrating football game on Feb. 6^th?? Yes!

But we’ve got 3 ex-doormats in the playoffs, and a very recent Doormat, so let’s take a quick check of their mettle.

EX-DOORMATS in the Playoffs!

Remember, the team with the best chance to LOSE has the EDGE.

Detroit Lions (10-6)

Flipping their record from last year, 6-10, the Kittens have transformed the Kat Box into a winner’s circle, winning every game at home…unless a team with a winning record showed up. The Lions, for all their fun offense,and some flashy defense, did not beat a team that finished with a winning record this year. How much of an indictment is that? Only 11 teams even finished with a winning record this year (compared with 13 last year and 15 in 2009), so FINDING a team in the black was a bit of an adventure. At this rate, next year there will only be 9 teams with a winning record…that may not be possible. But the gravitational pull of the Doormat is obviously increasing every year, so something’s gotta give. To be fair, the Bears, Raiders and Cowboys did have winning records when they played the Lions- but they didn’t after! The Lions were 5-0 when they played the infamous ‘Handshake’ game against the 49ers, and it’s a shame they’ll both have to make the NFC Champeenship to have a rematch. Both teams played like crazed animals the whole time. No wonder Harbaugh gave Lions coach a body bump and forearm shiver afterwards. The Lions lost that one and then lost to Atlanta, and in both games had moments where their composure was toast.

Shaking the Doormat Tendency

The Lions can surrender an awful lot of points, so being one year removed from the 10 Club still shows, and their penchant for knucklehead penalties at truly inopportune moments is going to bite them in the ass in New Orleans if they don’t watch it. Typical behavior of teams that just exited the Doormat and are inexperienced in the playoffs is the coaches allow the players to get too high emotionally, they over-pursue, they make late hits, and they keep trying to make toughness statements that have nothing to do with executing their plays. Watch for the Lions to make all these mistakes in the early going. Doing that against the Saints will be a really bad idea. It could be 21-0 by the end of the first quarter. So, their only hope is to somehow play smart in the first quarter, and match firepower with the Saints for the whole game. TALL ORDER.

The Saints and Lions have the #2 and #4 offenses in the league, but the Lions have #29 running game. Only the Packers can get away with that. It’s going to kill the Lions. This should be a Lu-Lu of a game. EDGE: LIONS

San Francisco 49ers (13-3)

The Niners also were 10 Club members last year (6-10) and shocked the whole league with their turn-around, even keeping Doghouse QB Alex Smith and turning him into a reliable QB who doesn’t fumble or throw interceptions. He also has come through with big plays at crucial moments.

The Niners are not pretty. They pretty much still play like a Doormat team, but have honed it into a fine art. They have the WORST 3^rd down conversion rate of any playoff team, including Denver, and that’s really saying something. Their offense is 2 first downs and an extremely long field goal attempt, or a punt.

What are they Doing Right?

Their aces in the hole, in fact, are punter Andy Lee and kicker David Akers. Lee can boot a 60 yard punt, and make it stop dead at the 2 when it finally hits earth. He averaged 50.1 yards for the season, with an all-time NFL record of 43.99 yards net average. He’s uncanny. Akers has been money all year, setting franchise records for most points and most field goals, and a TD pass, and consistently hitting from 50 yards or more. So, the special teams are NOT doormat anymore, a huge difference between going 6-10 and 13-3. On offense, the 49ers tied the NFL record for fewest interceptions (5) and least turnovers in a season, 10, matched only once (the Pats) since 1941. They haven’t allowed a point scored off a turnover since week 6 against Detroit. That’s nuts. Add to this the 49ers have a defense that gives up a few first downs, but turns into a WALL at their own 40, and you have a team that plays what people call ‘old-school’- field position football. So, they get away with having a team that is lucky to score 2 touchdowns in a game. Until now.

The 49ers will most likely be playing the Saints next week, and they will need to score 24 to 31 points to win that game. They can’t do 3 field goals and a touchdown (Doormat offense). They get to play at home no matter what, and avoiding the Super Dome is crucial. So, to win, they have to hold the Saints to under 24 points. It happened when the Saints lost to the Rams (!!!!!), 31-21, and when they beat the Titans 22-17. So, it’s not COMPLETELY unlikely. If anybody can do it, the 49ers can. But it’s scoring the points that may be just too hard to do.

Advice to Saints, stunt and blitz right up the middle all day. Alex Smith is short, throws a low trajectory, and can’t see over the line, and has to bail out of the pocket sooner as a result. John Harbaugh taught little brother a lesson back on Nov. 24^th when the Ravens crushed the 49ers 16-6, sacking Smith 9 times. That’s your defensive game plan…hire the Ravens.

DENVER BRONCOS (8-8)

Ah, now we get to our Doormat representative. Last year’s AFC Doormat Champ with a 4-12 record, the Broncos take advantage of the bumbling ‘who’s a bigger loser’ AFC West and squeak into the playoffs for a…HOME GAME against Pittsburgh. They don’t have a losing record, but 8-8 isn’t winning, so I’m not going to criticize too much. The team with the worst QB rating in the league (composite) stumbles into the playoffs after losing their last 3 games. Their defense, which is what keeps them in position to win a game with Tebow heroics at the end, disappeared the last 3 weeks, though they held the Cheaps to 7 last week. The Cheaps probably handled that all on their own, but we’ll let it slide. The Buncos are a bigger mirage than the Bungles, and….ah, geez I just can’t do it. They way they won all those games during their win streak, I can’t count them out.

Ben Rothlisberger, the toughest QB in the league, limps into Denver and better watch out, because if the Broncos can bring the D like they did during their win streak, it’s going to be trouble. The Steelers are banged up. Broncos poised to pull off similar upset like Seahags over Saints last year.

Say it isn’t so. EDGE: even.

CINCINATTI BENGALS 9-7

The team Carson Palmer refused to play for (and didn’t that work out nicely for Carson) backs into the playoffs! The Bungles, just one year removed from going 4-12 and tying for the AFC Doormat Crown, will attempt to play error-free football in Houston, where they are trying out the water boy for QB. He will wear a Gatorade bucket for a helmet. He’s got ice in his veins. The Texans are wobbling seriously, and if the Bengals can keep the Bunglonian Fog back in Cincy for this one, the defense will keep them in the game. These guys, like all Cincy teams, teeter on respectability every game. They can look great, and look just like last year. This is the Yo-Yo team, going 9-7, then 4-12, 10-6, then 2-14. They do it by the week, too. The inconsistency is going to kill them.

BUNGLES lose in Houston. EDGE: BUNGLES

AS THE FROZEN TURKEY SPINS: NFL WEEK 11 PREVIEW

Broncos best reception of the night: a pick-six

Broncos 17 Jets 13

I hate these Thursday night games. I’ve barely recovered from my NFL Sunday hangover, the Basement is still awash in pizza boxes and beer cans, and now we have to start getting out our predictions by Thursday morning. Come ON.

I bet the New York Jets hate Thursday night, now, too. Tim Tebow is now leading the charge for what is the most unique phenomenon in the NFL- a team playing pure doormat ball (until the final 5 minutes), and winning games! It’s the best of both worlds! Except the Buncos now have no chance to win the Moldy Carpet, and they sure aren’t going to win the Stuper Bowl. But, enjoy this time, Denver phans, because NFL teams are going to start watching video of the past 5 games, and the good teams (wait, do the Broncos play any of those?) will be figuring out your 1 ½ dimension team.

11 first downs! 56 total plays! 104 yards passing! These stats could hold up as WORST NFL STATS of the Week, and it’s only Friday! What are the Buncos doing right? Their defense is keeping it close. Tebow is not getting sacked quite so often anymore, and the guy sure does know how to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat, which is just not the Doormat way. The Donkey-Buncos have 6 games left to get an education, but there are some pretty shaky opponents in that mix, with only Chicago and New England looking like a sure L. All you Bronco haters out there, they’ve just upped the ante!

Okay, on to the preview:

NFL WEEK 11 Preview and Frozen Turkey Spin

Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose

Game of the Week!

Seattle Seahawks (3-6) at St. Louis Rams (2-7)

Last time these two Doormat titans met, it was for all the marbles in the NFC Worst, and a place in history as the Seahags became the first team in history to win a Division with a losing record (7-9). The Hags are one of the worst road teams on the planet. The Lambs, fresh off their second straight win, will be straining to maintain their Doormat cred, but it just might not be enough.

EDGE: Seahags

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) at Cleveland Browns (3-6)

Another week, another Brownie-Bake-Sale in Cleveland. Pour another bowl of Chomps Cereal, sit back, and close your eyes, Cleveland. The Moldy Carpet could have been yours, but you squandered your chances in the early season, winning games you should have lost, and now look- a 3-6 record, a paper bag, and some scissors. The Gaguars, continuing their tour of the quietest stadiums in the NFL, fresh off their failure to out-lose the Dolts, will be really bringing it. The ineptitude, I mean. This is the game that asks the question: why haven’t any NFL coaches been fired yet?

EDGE: Brownies

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at Miami Dolphins (2-7)

The Bills are teetering near Nils territory folks. With one more loss, they’ll be back at .500, and will be allowed to hunker over the grill on our patio. The Floppers have become the Doormat bully lately, suddenly finding their alter-ego, and tromping teams somewhat decisively. Shocking. Time for some over-confidence!

EDGE: Floppers

Dallas Cowboys (5-4) at Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Deadskins are on a 5-game roll, and the Cowpies pulled themselves over .500 last week. The Deadskins are past mediocre now. They’re a fixture at the bar in the Basement.

EDGE: Deadskins

Arizona Cardinals (3-6) at San Francisco 49ers (8-1)

The Crudinals were no match for the Pheebles last week, so they’ve gone back to the drawing board to figure out what is going on. No worries, Doormat fans, even though I can’t get used to seeing “8-1” next to the 49ers in the standings, the Cruds will have trouble crossing the 50 yard line in this one. Look for one pick-six in this affair.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

Oakland Raiders (5-4) at Minnesota Vikings (2-7)

The Raiders have scraped all the rust off Carson Palmer, the receiving corps is pumped to say the least, and the Yikings will be hoving into sight at just about the right moment on Sunday- losing time. Now, the Raydurz can play a sloppy, boneheaded game with the best of them, so anything is possible, but right now I’m seeing 4 touchdowns out of the Silver and Black,and I think the Yikes have stopped doing that now. After all, it’s Week 11, guys are getting more than tired.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Carolina Panthers (2-7) at Detroit Lions (6-3)

If the Lions can blow this one at the Cat Box, people might start looking over their shoulder to see if Matt Millen’s ghost is floating by. The Kitties have looked sloppy and unfocused, Matt Stafford has started doing that ‘flinging it’ thing he does when he’s tanking, and the wheels are wobbling. Lose this one, and it’s a short week before the Packers show up and start kicking cat litter in their face. Pansies really tanked last week. Newton will play better, but the Pansies are better at coming close but no cigar than any other team.

EDGE: Pansies

Philadephia Eagles at New York Giants

“How bad could it be?” Michael Vick has broken ribs, the Eagles have forgotten how to use LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson is either unhappy or screwing up, and the Pheebles will come skulking into the Jimmy Hoffa Memorial End Zone Sunday, hoping to pull their feet out of the cement shoes they’re being fitted for. Not a chance.

EDGE: Pheebles

Blowout of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots

The Cheaps are 15 point underdogs on Monday night, and it’s just the kind of national stage that gets a coach fired from a team he is running into the ground. Hard to get fired when your stars are out for the season, though, with QB Matt Cassel handing the punishment over to Tyler Palko (first start ever) and RB Jamaal Charles checked out for the duration of the season. The Cheaps have given up nine sacks in the last two weeks. They may get that many more come Monday night.

EDGE and complete abyss: CHEAPS

TIME TO SUMMON THE ORACLE AND

SPIN THE FROZEN TURKEY.

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!

NFL Worst Predictions Week 7

New Offensive Front Line for Miami 

​The NFL worst move into Week 7 showing great signs of true badness.

For the Dolphins, nothing else has worked, so the Miami Floppers decided to think out of the box and go with a new front line for pass protection. Chad Henne is going to need it as he has only thrown for 868 yards all season and balanced his passing with 4 interceptions and 4 touchdowns. The tough part is he has been eating tartan turf most of the road games. At least he gets soft, moist grass at home. This new front line, hopefully, will distract pass rushers long enough for Henne to actually throw the ball while not running for his life and screaming for his mother.

This week the pass rushers are the Denver Donkeys, a defense that gives up 300 yards a game average. So, their average. But this should be the Doormat Division matchup of the week. Denver was in the Doormat Bowl last year and may get there again this year. Miami has shown this season that they can lose any game. Should be a good time on the moldy duct tape covered couch.

And speaking of offense and defense ratings, the Patsies have the top rated offense and the lowest rated defense in the NFL through week 6. Who says you can't win without defense? Oh, they didn't always win? My bad.

And now it's time for all of the NFL Week 7 Predictions for the Doormat Division:

Seahags- 12

Brownies- 9

Donkeys- 24

Floppers- 21

Deadskins- 17

Pansies- 14

(Actually, this is a game the Pansies can win. But they won't.)

Cheeps- 10

Raiders- 35

Steelers- 21

Crudinals- 17

Lambs- 0

Cowpies- 16

Dolts- 13

Saints- 36

Gaguars- 7

Ravens- 28

And now for the blowout of the week--

Green Bay- 46

Yikings- 6

And let's give a Doormat shout out to the NY Zeps. Your doormat is at the design shop right now.

Bolts- 28

Zeps- 10

NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Do they really put a "G" at the goal line? We get down there so seldom.

The Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Enough of the silly predictions, let’s talk turkey. In fact, let’s talk TURKEYS.

In preparation for our fantasy draft, let’s take a quick look at the first 5 games for every contender for the Moldy Carpet.

Keep in mind that the losingest team usually comes from a division that has at least 2 good teams in it, and the third can pull it together and have a game where they don’t turn it over 5 times and get penalized for 135 yards. Last year’s champ, the Pansies, came from just such a division. The NFC Worst, by contrast, just shot itself in the foot last year. Best they could come up with was 5-11 for worst record (Crudinals), and 7-9 won the division!! By contrast, the NFC North has Green Bay, a rejuvenated - let’s not get too excited- Lions, and the Bears can win with defense. That leaves the Yikings looking like a Moldy Carpet contender if they keep up what they started last year. Yikes could easily make 4-12. It won’t beat the Pansies, but it will at least put some heat on them.

In paranthesis is the team’s record after 5 games LAST YEAR

AFC

Cincinnati Bungles (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Brown Pall Stadium

The Bungles don’t play a good team until week 10. I’m not kidding.

First five: Brownies, Donkeys, 0-for-Niners, Nils, Gaguars!!

AFC North has two good teams- Ravens and Pittsburgh. Bungles actually beat the Ravens in week 2 last year, then beat the Pansies, then lost 10 straight.

Outlook: 1-4. season: 2-14

Long Range: Bungles have entire NFC Worst on schedule. It won’t help.

Cleveland Brownies (2010: 1-4)

stadium: Brownie Bake Sale Stadium

First 5: Bungles, Colts, Dolpins, Tennessee, Raydurz

Brownies beat Bunlges, Colts- with Manning, Brownies lose. Titans, total schizo team. Floppers- another up and down team. Rayudurz- that’s a W for Browns. LONG RANGE: Brownies get to play entire NFC Worst, too. It will help them.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Leaking Oil Stadium

Are we jumping the gun, even talking about the Colts as Doormat potential? Of course, but like we said, without Manning, they’re toast. So, this may be a team someone grabs 5 games into season.

First five: Houston, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Kansas City Cheaps.

Outlook: without Manning? 1-4 with him: 4-1 Season: 5-11

Buffalo Nils (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Ralph! Hralph!

First Five: Kansas City, Oakland, New England, Cincinnati, Philadephia.

The preseason was a carbon copy of last year, defense kept them in games, but they lost anyway, and then about every 4^th game, they’d get 4 touchdowns and STILL lose. They led the league in close losses.

Outlook: 2-3 Season 4-12

I gotta say, the AFC West is the AFC Worst. Raydurz, Bunco-Donkeys and the Cheaps could ALL turn out to be terrible, thereby worsening their chances of winning the Moldy Carpet. Somebody has to win those head to head matchups.

Denver Bunco-Donkey-Dunks (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Sky High Authority

First five games: Raydurz, Bungles, Titans, Packers, Chargers

Who would have known after 5 games last year these guys were gonna take the AFC Doormat? Kyle Orton hangs onto his job. What a boon for Denver. Okay, Donks win game 1 on terrible call at goal line, squeak past Bungles in a stiff of the week, lose game 3 to Titans by way too large margin, get completely humiliated by the Packers, and then lose all hope against Chargers and then go on humongous slide.

Outlook: 2-3. Season: 5-11

Oakland Raydurz (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: O.co.O.o.co.oooo.OOOO Stadium

First Five: Denver, Buffalo, NY Jets, New England, Houston.

Raydurz finished 8-8 last year, and weren’t even allowed in the basement anymore. But, Al Davis went swiftly to work and fired the coach, and drafted nobody in particular. If this edition of the Silver and Blacked Out play like the preseason, they’re in the Moldy Carpet Hunt in a big way.

OUTLOOK: 0-5 Season: 2-14

Kansas City Cheaps (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium

First FIVE: Nils, Kittens, Chargers, Yikings, Colts

I’m still standing by my analysis that the Cheaps were last year’s biggest mirage.

The Cheaps played everybody in the NFC Worst last year, plus their own division twice. No wonder they faked their way to a 10-6 record. This year they have no such luck- they have to play the NFC North, with only the Yikings a reasonable victory.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

I am skipping assessments of the Titanics, Gaguars, and the Floppers, though at least one of these teams is going to lose 10. I don’t think any of them are Moldy Carpet material. Boy, could I be wrong.

I'll Be Back....with the NFC First Five. Gotta go boil some coffee on the grill....

Doormat Division 2011 Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION 2011 PREVIEW!!!!

Welcome to 2011 every single fan of flailing failure and futility!

See that photo? Memorize that number and name, because it has everything to do with who will be hugging (well, holding at arm’s length) the Moldy Carpet come next January.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is just two more embarrassing preseason games away, and we’ve decided to give it a new name:

The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes

The big question on everyone’s mind: how many games into the season is it reasonably acceptable to start tanking every game? Without being obvious. It’s going to be an extremely hard fought race to the basement this year, because Mr. Luck is every fan’s and GM and coach's wet dream, daydream, late morning fantasy, early evening staring off into space at the dinner table… I’ve watched this guy live a couple times, and he’s Jim Plunkett and Bart Starr and Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady and Big Ben and…okay he’s not Ben Rothlisberger. Who Cares? I haven’t seen a kid throw with that kind of timing and accuracy and daring since…..Dan Fouts for Oregon waaaay back in the 70’s.

He can throw the uncanny 45 yard heave. It’s so Plunkett.

So who is preparing now for next year’s preseason already? Already putting on extra cologne are the San Francisco 0-for-9ers. 49er fans who aren’t catching on are angry that Alex Smith is the starting QB. People, people! He’s cannon fodder for the next 16 games. Should he survive. We WANT him dropping back and throwing low into the line for the WHOLE season. And, the Niners have the tools to take it all the way: No defensive secondary. NONE. Their offensive line is sooooo bad at blocking that next year's anti-concussion rules will be called the Smith Rule. There is NO left tackle. It’s not even on the depth chart. They have an orange cone taking care of business over there in Alex’s in blind spot. That and a 5’7” fullback. Woo-hoo!!

Add to this coach Jim Harbaugh, Luck’s coach for the last 3 years down on the Farm at Stanford. Here, kitty kitty. Combine this with the stupidest ownership team in football (well, the Pansies are maybe ahead here, give credit where credit is due), and the cocktail is looking pretty good for a LOT of losing. You should have seen Harbaugh’s face somewhere in the second quarter of the Texan’s blowout of the Red and Gold last weekend. It was, clearly, the “OH CRAP we’re screwed here” look. You're not screwed, Jim- just good positioning for the future.

Advice to Mr. Luck- don’t go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever drafts you just so you can reunite with coach Harbaugh. Go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever has the worst O-line.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Predictions based on hearsay, stats, gut feelings, and tradition:

Detroit Kittens: Put your money on these guys as this year’s longshot to make the Super Bowl. Not win it, but get there. At least making the NFC Championship game. The Kittens, unless made-of-glass QB Stafford goes down in 2 weeks and Sean Hill has to take over, are a wild card playoff team, and will put some heat on the Packers. I can’t say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos yet, but I’ve got the confetti and balloons all ready. The defense has improved enough so they won’t get all pooped out mid-third quarter and blow the games anymore. Look for some of the wildest, highest scoring affairs in the league from these guys this year. Finish: 10-6

Cincinnati Bungles: Carson Palmer held out. Now, that’s just ridiculous. The Bungles should be just as bad as ever. Nothing to see here folks. Does Cincinnati have a hockey team? No? Gonna be a long winter. Finish: 2-14

Carolina Pansies: Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Just keep saying that, and maybe you can visualize an entire team. It’s your only hope. Your owner is completely nuts. He’s weirder than Al Davis, and he doesn’t have the excuse of being 1000 years old. Finish: 3-13

Kansas City Cheaps: Last year’s biggest playoff phonies, the Cheaps aren’t pretending anymore. It’s back to the basement! So far, they still have NO offense. 23 points in 3 preseason games!! Keep that up and they can set the record for lowest point average all time, de-throning the Atlanta Falcons. These guys need Andrew Luck real bad. Finish: 1-15

St. Louis Lambs: The NFC Worst, the only division EVER to have a champ with a losing record (thank you Seattle goodnight!), is up for grabs. There is no reason we can’t have another losing team take the division. The Lambs are floating to the top, since the other 3 are all-in on the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. Lambs are still Doormats- but they have an actual QB. Finish: 8-8

Buffalo Nils: Fast becoming a Doormat stalwart, the Nils…the Nils played a lot of close games last year. Have they gotten better? Are they in shape? Can they still breathe in the 4^th quarter? We won’t find out until week 5, when the excitement of the new season drains away, and the stench off Lake Erie comes wafting across the city. Likely Andrew Luck contestant. Finish: 5-11 with potential to win 8.

Cleveland Brownies: Year 2 of Mike Holmgren as GM. Year 3 is put up or shut up. The goal for these clowns is to get out of the 10-loss club. Colt McCoy official designated run-for-your-life Brownie. Finish: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts: Or is that the Charger’s nickname? No matter, they won’t need it. But, without Peyton Manning, these guys will. Last year the ONLY thing they had going for them was the sheer will of Peyton Manning. If he can’t go, it’s CURTAINS for this team and WELCOME TO THE BASEMENT!!!! We’ve got a spot for them right at the wet-bar. When will they join the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, realizing that Peyton is getting old? Finish: 3-13

Arizona Crudinals: Their last two preseason games are Doormat warm-ups, Denver and Carolina. Hey they could finish the preseason 3-2 and give false hopes to every retiree in Arizona. Derek Anderson is gone (he’s on the Pansies!!! WOW!!!!), and so perhaps they now have a QB who doesn’t two-skip it to the tight end. These guys are Andrew Luck Sweepstakes people, because they are still squinting in hopes that Kurt Warner is actually taking snaps. Finish: 2-14

Oakland Raydurz: After the fight-o-rama at Candlestick Park, where 3 people got shot in the parking lot after an afternoon of incredible ugliness, the Raydurz follow it up with a 40-20 loss to New Orleans, which was an IMPROVEMENT over the 49er game. Why? Nobody got shot. These guys are going backwards. Finish: 6-10

Denver Donkeys: Last year’s AFC Doormat Champs, these guys are so bad, Tim Tebow is not starting. I can’t imagine these guys crawling out of the pit. Finish: 5-11

Houston Texass-tons: Texans have an offense that will rip apart every mediocre or bad team in the league, and have a pass rush. These guys are leaving the 10 club. Finish: 9-7.

Two more warm-up games (which look painfully like the regular season for Doormat Fans) before the losing begins in earnest. 2 more games to say ‘we’re working out the kinks.’ And then all those missed assignments and poor line communications will settle in like a fog over the stadium, obscuring the win column, and the upper reaches of the standings. So, stock the fridge, and set your remote on STUN, because you are going to need some strong numbing powers to make to the finish line this year. And may the Worst team Win.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!!!

Moldy Carpet Finalists!

We Have a Weiner!

NFC Doormat: CAROLINA PANSIES

AFC DOORMAT: DENVER DONKEY-BUNCOS

After careful consideration of the three way tie in the AFC Doormat, the Denver Donkey-Bink-Bunco-Dinky-Bonks have emerged as this year's AFC Champion. Our decision was based on an objective source's rating (pro-football-reference.com's SRS rating), which was the lowest next to Carolina, the incredible slide the Donks pulled from being 2-2 at one point, the complete disintegration of coaching, the losing to teams that were just as bad, and the interesting point that this is the worst season of all their 51 years in Denver. That, and the fact that I always kinda wanted the Raiders or Chargers or Chiefs to beat the stuffing out of them for some reason. So, it's on to:

TOILET BOWL 2011

Carolina Pansies vs. Denver Donkeys

Jan. 10th Kezar Stadium, San Francisco...get your plane tickets! Place your bets!

Doormat Division Final Wrap-up and Heave into the Ocean

It’s all over. 17 long weeks of head-banging, jumping offside, throwing passes on one or two skips, total confusion on 3^rd down, missed assignments, firings that came too late, and the next week that came too early, the 2011 Doormat Division Season has come to a close, with only 1 final decision to be made in the Toilet Bowl. Who is the CHAMP?

NFC CHAMPION

Carolina Pansies 2-14

The Pansies were hailed as the odds-on favorite at the beginning of the year, and never wavered, except for the two games against NFC Worst bumblers San Francisco and Arizona. They were perfect the rest of the way, and 2-14 is high quality Doormat credentials. We put up the Pansy wallpaper weeks ago, we were so confident of this team’s abilities…or lack of them. Compiling a 2-4 record against Doormat members (I still include Seattle, though they finished out of the standings), the Men of Teal finish the season in the same way they started it, getting pummeled. The Pansies cross the finish line last in points, last in offense, and first in the Doormat NFC. The Pansies score only 196, staying under 200, the yardstick for true futility. QB Jimmy Clausen nails down the lowest passer rating in the entire league, at 55.00001, which is impressive considering Derek Anderson started the first 12 games for Arizona. They also won the Punting Derby, coming in at 95 with 7 punts yestereday. The Lambs came on hard yesterday with 9 punts, but switched to turnovers late in the game, and could not find that elusive, and may I say very hard to get, 10^th punt (you see, the other team has to punt it BACK). They ended up with 94, tied for 2^nd with the Deadskins and Crudinals [Just to give perspective on that stat, the Chargers had the least punts at 56].

In their final contest, they scored just where you might expect a team of such lofty quality. A field goal on the first drive after half-time (what a motivator coach Fox is!), and scored their TD on the LAST PLAY OF THE GAME, when the Falcons are playing their 72^nd string and an assortment of inebriated fans.

Our hats are off to the pride of the NFC Doormat Division! Way to go Carolina, we thank you and your fans thank you. Should you have any. But, of course, YOU DO, and that’s why we’re here. To give some kind of award for this kind of organized bumbling, because it’s just too painful to take it seriously. Somebody give me an AMEN.

AFC CHAMPION

We have a THREE-WAY-TIE!!!!

Nils, Bungles, Donkey-Buncos all 4-12!!!

All three of these Gods of Godawful lost yesterday, with the Nils losing big, the Bungles nearly winning (look out!) and the Donkey-Buncs making it look closer than it actually was. Thank the stars that we have 4-12, because 5-11 is not impressive Doormat credentials. 4-12 is just barely cutting it.

Let’s ZOOM IN- but not too close- and figure out who is REALLY the worst.

Cincinnati Bungles

The Bungles lived up to their name yesterday, committing FIVE turnovers, completely nullifying the fact that they outgained the Ravens 2-1 and had the ball for 10 more minutes. “A fumble is better than a punt” axiom was inspired by this team and they brought it to the final crucial game, putting the spheroid on the carpet 3 times (along with a little mint on a pillow). The Bungles end the year 2-2 against Doormat opponents, which includes the Pansies.

Denver Donkey-Bunco-Dinky-Donks

Can you tell I’m enjoying this one? The Buncos finish with their WORST season in their entire franchise history, a lofty 51 years of orange pants, orange crush, orange teeth and mysterious orange stains on the…never mind. The Oakland Raiders got in a 59-14 beatdown, the worst defeat in Bronco history (yes, worse than the Super Bowl embarrassment, because it’s the RAIDERS). Yesterday the Donks staged a furious rally against the Chargers at the end of the game, nearly catching up (probably the best Futile Comeback of the season), but still put one in the L column. Problem is, it’s screwed up their points-for points-against chances against the Nils. Doormat record for the year- 2-3, including a win over Seahags and losses to Lambs and 0-4-9ers.

Buffalo Nils

The Nils just gave up yesterday, with QB Fitzpatrick out for the game, and improved their chances by losing 38-7 to the Jet’s 3^rd string, increasing the PF-PA spread that they already had the lead in, our #1 tiebreaker. The Nils had 162 total yards yesterday, 6 first downs, and their only TD was an INT runback. 4 interceptions. This is Run to the Moldy Carpet kind of play. The Nils Doormat record is shocking- 3-1. They actually played a lot of good teams, and lost three OT games.

Ok well, so WHAT? What about the whole season?

Following is a breakdown of their Futile comebacks (FC)and Come From Ahead losses (CFA),BLOWOUTS (BO), points-for/against, doormat record, and the ‘overall quality’ SRS rating devised by Pro-Football-Reference.com (a combination of points, offense-defense averages, strength of schedule and quality of post-game spread). For example, the Pansies have an SRS rating of -13.2. The Crudinals -12.7. The Patriots are +15.4.

Team FC CFA BO Drmat w-l pf-pa SRS

Bungles 5 4 2 2-2 322-395 (-73) -1.4

Nils 6 2 5 3-1 283-425 (-142) -4.6

Buncos 3 5 2 2-3 344- 471 (-127) -8.9

I apologize for these columns. this blog just can't handle it.

Nils, though not with the worst SRS rating, have 5 blowouts. I don’t know, The Buncos are looking pretty good, but I’m leaning towards the Nils, who hold the best point differential.

I need a shout-out to the Basement regulars here, to make the final decision.

SPECIAL 2010 HONORS

The 10 Club (10 losses gets you in, and God knows when you are getting out)

Welcome new members!

Cowpies 6-10

Yikings 6-10

0-4-9ers 6-10

Crudinals 5-11

Donkeys 4-12

Titanics 6-10

Texass-tons 6-10

And the usual gang

Kittens 6-10

Deadskins 6-10

Pansies 2-14

SWAN DIVE OF THE YEAR:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES

The Brownies had climbed up to 5-7 and then plummeted back to the frozen turf for 4 straight losses, including the Bungles and Nils, finishing 5-11 and almost in contention for the frikkin’ Moldy Carpet! Wow!

LIFTOFF OF THE YEAR

We’ve got two

Oakland Raiders

The team that started the year a total laughing stock finishes up with a huge beat down of the phonies of the playoffs, the Kansas City Chiefs, and though they didn’t make the playoffs , they made it to 8-8, and don’t even have a spot saved for them in the basement anymore.

Detroit Lions

Win 4 in a row and I don’t call you the Kittens anymore. As predicted, the Lions kick the Yikings all over the Kat Box in Detroit and finish with 4 wins in a row, completely completely unheard of in Detroit. I really have no idea the last it was they did this. It has to go back a LOOOOOOONG ways. We still have a spot saved for the Lions, though, because they still got the 10 losses, and, well, they ARE the Lions. Wait ‘til next year to say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos!!

RIDICULOUS FRANCHISE OF THE YEAR

San Francisco 0-4-9ers

From not knowing when to fire Mike Singletary (last year?) to not having a GM, to having a 28-year old run the team for the worst family operation since Eddie D had to give up the reins.....I'm sure there's competition out there, but I'm going with what I know intimately. Nobody could be doing it any stupider.

Final Note From Wacko

Remember, you known and unknown readers out there, we write about the worst of the worst because it used to be our teams that were the worst…and some of them STILL ARE. We actually do LIKE it when one of these teams gets off the mat and starts winning. That’s the whole allure of sports- that someday your guys are going to put it together and storm into the Super Bowl and knock over everybody’s guacamole and end somebody elses’ season on a sour note. After all, the Pansies WERE in the Super Bowl not too long ago. As a 49er fan, it seems like a thousand years now. As a Lion fan, as Walkfish is, it’s been since 1957. He wasn’t even born yet. Some day, bro.

This has been a fabulous year to write about the Doormat, the competition has been stiff, keen, and terrible. Yes, we skewer everybody, but remember, we’re down here in the basement, waiting for one of these bumbling losers to turn it around, and believe me, we’ll be the first to recognize it. You don’t know who is really a winner until you understand the losers, because it’s extremely hard to succeed in NFL football. Almost every play is a failure, since most of them are designed, in the best possible outcome, to go for a TD. The variables are so many, the small- and huge- mistakes, it all adds up to having the odds stacked against you. The fact that anything goes RIGHT is pretty damned amazing. So, remember that when you throw your remote at the TV…for the 357^th time and swear you’ll never watch them again. Get off your ass, get out the stadium, and REALLY BOO. Finally, I'd like to say it is a pleasure and an honor to huddle up in the broom closet, flick on the space heater, fire up the Commodore-64 and freeze my ass off while typing up this review each week. Thanks to all and to my Basement brethren. We made it through another year. and we gained a possum.

Cheers, and thank you for reading-

Wacko

aaaaAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!