WEEK EIGHT WRAP-UP and LOWER INTO THE THAMES!!

Back On Top Like they Never Left!  

The Basement is full of mangy, torn-up, tattered cats today, as the Detroit Felines have unchallenged supremacy of the Doormat.  We can't do anything about this, except put out bowls of Kitty Krak Kibble, and wait for a challenger to unseat them.  Fat chance!  
Elsewhere, the San Diego Cringers (I'm searching for a name here) are suddenly contenders, the Titanics look unstoppable, and the 49ers may be Detroit's only obstacle to Moldy Carpet Glory.  

Kitty Krak Kibble, and I don't care, Kitty Krak Kibble and I don't care....

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-7           125 - 149

Whiners      2-6           109 - 207  (almost 100 point diffo)
daBares       2-5           140 - 202

Bootineers   3-4           163 - 199

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-6            125 - 159

Chargers     2-6           191 - 227
Cravens      2-5            190 - 214

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Toxins        3-5            174 - 205 

THE GAMES

Blowouts of the Week

LIONS 10, CHIEFS 45

The Kitten defense turns back the clock in London for Chiefs QB Alex Smith, WAY MORE THAN AN HOUR, and I could've sworn it was Utah blowing out Wyoming in 2004.  The dude rushed for 78 yards, and probably could've gotten 50 more. He looked fast. Somebody is SLOW.  The team that can't score in the Red Zone had NO problem against the Kitties.  On the other side of the stench, the Lions offensive line lies down like 11 fat cats stretched out in a sunbeam on the carpet at that cat lady's house down the street and QB Matt "Punching Bag" Stafford hits the "dirt" 6 more times- he's well on his way to never being the same again.  Lions only real threat here are the Forty-Whiners, who, by God, are right on the Kittens fuzzy little tails.  

NINERS 6,  RAMS 27

How you call this a blowout and yet have 18 punts, I'm not sure, but any game with the Niners is a blowout, even if the score is 14-3.  I'm sure the Rams were aiming to pitch a shutout here, so they're probably chewing each other out today in the meeting room.  How the Niners even get a field goal these days is beyond me (ed: they are burdened with a great kicker).  This team is a serious challenge to the beloved Lions.  11 first downs! 189 total yards! 10 punts!  3-17 on third down.  How do you even DO that?  It helps that the Rams punted 8 times themselves, so the Whiners got plenty of opportunity to display just how hapless, and how hard they've worked on this, they are.  Gold Stars all around for the Bumblers by the Bay.

CAN YOU FEEL IT BUILDING??

KITTENS vs. WHINERS

DEC. 27TH AT THE KAT BOXX!!!!

Be there.  Or be someplace else.  

CLOSE SHAVING!!

Four games were decided at the last second yesterday, the Doormat was there for most of it-

BEARS 20, VIKINGS 23

What do you do when you are up by 10 points, at home, with 4:55 left in the game?  You find a way.  As they say in Detroit "there's still time to lose."  And daBares direct some superb Prevent-the-win defense, given up an immediate 40-yard touchdown, go 3-and-out, give up another long pass, and cap it with a 36-yard field goal from the Vikes with 00:00 on the clock. Even the Lions beat this team.  You know?  Good luck losing to daBares.  2-5 and headed for 10 losses, NO PROBLEM.

CHARGERS 26, RAVENS 29  (OT)

Lose big, lose small, what's the difference?  After getting blown out by Oakland last week, the Bolts (Blots?) lose this one in overtime to the team that loves to lose the close ones. Shrugging off the chance to beat a team looking for a loss, the Chargettes (Cringers? help me out, here) are now 2-6 and in the thick of the AFC race.  They were 2-2 at one point and looking dangerous.  They're dangerous all right- to themselves.  Flame On!! FLAME OUT!!!

BUCS 23, FALCONS 20 (OT)

Don't look now- well, maybe you should- the Bootineers are 3-4 and clearly toying with Parity Division status.  Winning on a field goal in OT- but not the last play of the game- the Bucs tried mightily to blow another big lead (17), but the Falcons were just too much, with 4 turnovers and 11 penalties for 124 yards.  Kill that offense.  Kill it.  

BROWNS 20,  CARDINALS 34

The Blank Helmets were up 20-7 in the first half, with the Cardinals fumble onslaught (3 of them) placing the Brownies in a difficult scenario- a big lead. But that's what first halves are for- false hope. And that's good enough for Cleveland!  Half-time! Everybody go home! Do not turn on your radios. 

Do not look at your smartphone.  It'll spoil your drive home.

TITANS 6, TEXANS 20

Let's face it.  If you can't keep your point total under 6, you won't lose to the Titanics.  Titanics Coach Ken "Whiz-bang" Whisenhunt still has his job.  Coincidence, or Moldy Carpet PLOT?

COWBOYS 12, SEAHAGS 13

The Seahags may be struggling, but the Cowboys have your number.  QB Matt Cassel is in charge- 'nuff said.  5 straight losses since Tony Romo went out, and 4 more weeks to go.  It's getting darker earlier in Dallas, like at 9am.   

EXITING THE BASEMENT

Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos?

RRRRRRRAIDERS!!

Standing this morning at 4-3, the Oakland Raiders have gone over .500 for the first time since Quincy Jones was President.  I really can't even remember and why bother to look it up?  The Worst Team of the Decade looks like they won't be coming back this year.  It could still happen, you never know.  But two games in a row where they scored at will and didn't stop until they had over 30 points, and you think maybe this is different. They sure are having fun. We have to celebrate our miserable teams when they finally get the hell out of this pile of cheap beer and burnt coffee and duct tape and dial-up modems.  Good Luck, old friend.  You still have the best uniforms in the biz.  Which is, I guess, why you never ever change them even slightly.

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND DROP KICK INTO FOOTBALL SPACE

Doormat Division Week 7 Standings

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           0-6          87-132

NY Giants            1-6          103-209
Minnesota            1-5          125-158

Washington          2-4          152-184

Atlanta                2-4          153-157

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         0-7           76-222

Houston               2-5         122-194

Raiders                2-4         105-132

Pittsburgh           2-4          107-132

Cleveland            3-4         131-156

GAME OF THE WEEK

VIKINGS 7, GIANTS 23

That's a 'gotcha' smirk in purple if I ever saw one

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY-  MNF hosted the biggest Doormat game of the year last night, turning off televisions all over the globe and saving untold millions in energy bills.  5% of these savings will go into the Leslie Frazier employment fund.

But let’s hope the Vikings coach (Mr. Frazier) gets to finish out the year, because last night was the unveiling of a new genius in the Doormat Division. 

Coming into the week at 1-4 and facing the perfect NY Gnats (0-6), Frazier pulls out all the stops to lose the game.  Unsatisfied with Matt Cassell’s smooth mediocrity,  and keeping Christian Ponder in the dog house (he’s healthy), Frazier does the only thing a team that wants the Moldy Carpet in 2013 should do.  He grabs the flashiest Doormat QB available, Josh Freeman, off the waiver wire like he’s the second coming of Carson Palmer, gives him $2 million dollars to wear some purple, and, with zero prep and about a fingernail’s worth of plays, sends Josh out onto the field in the New Jersey night to captain an already faltering team to Doormat glory.

And the results speak for themselves.  Zero offensive touchdowns,  overthrown balls all night, and 5 first downs early in the 4^th quarter (before ‘desperate garbage’ time) against one of the worst teams in the league.  No more of this weak Matt Cassell missed passes.  With Josh Freeman and complete lack of chemistry with your receivers, you can MISS BIG.  The Gnats punted nine times, really trying to set up the Vikes for something, ANYTHING, but fat chance. 

The Vikings showed the same look on defense on every single play in the game.  That makes it a tough read for Eli Manning, because it CAN’T REALLY BE THE SAME LOOK EVERY TIME, right?  Well, it was.

Faced with this kind of incredibly organized determination, the Gnats cannot make it to 0-7, and are forced to admit, that, at least for one night, the Minnesota Yikings are the worst team in the NFC. 

Yikings Creed:  Carefully Calculated Confusion

LOSING IN THREES

Before last night, Tampa, NY and Jacksonville were winless.  The last time 3 teams made it to week 8 with zero wins was just two years back, in 2011-  the Colts, Dolphins and Rams.  In 1985 (Bucs, Falcs, Bills) and 1997 (Bears, Colts, Falcs) 3 teams made it to week 7.  So, they did not break the record.  Someday 3 teams will make it to Week 9.  Perhaps in our lifetimes, should we be so lucky.

Special thanks to Andrew McKillop of footballgeography.com for sleuthing out those results.  His site is full of amusing and interesting stats. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

There were SIX defensive touchdowns this weekend.  SIX.  3 of them were the opening scores in their respective games. 

JAGUARS 6,  CHARGERS 24

Another footballgeography stat:  the Gaguars have never been the last team standing with no wins during a regular season.  They’ve got to hang on and hope somebody, somewhere can lose to the Bucs.  The Gags are certainly doing their part, skipping the touchdown thing yesterday, chipping in a couple field goals, and conserving energy for the long plane ride to London in next week’s  British Banger Doormat Beat Down game against the 49ers. 

The Jags pull their point average down to 10.8 after last week’s 19-point explosion, keeping hope alive that they can be worse than the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccanneers (8.9 per game).   Live the dream.  Follow your bliss.  But be sure it’s not a concussion first.

BUCCANEERS 23,  FALCONS 31

The Bucs opened this game with a fumble-TD gift to the Falcons, setting the tone.  The Falcons keep it close, but the usual juicy 4^th quarter opportunities are eschewed by the Bootineers, who resort to the kicking game to keep points down and victory at a distance. Tampa keeps their record spotless (0-6), and have a big game against the Tennessee Yo-Yos this Thursday. 

STEELERS 19, RAVENS 16

The Shower Curtain kicks 4 field goals and score one TD.  It’s too much, and the Reelers win another one.  How did they do it?  How about this:  early in the 4^th quarter, the Ravens kick a field goal to pull within 13-9.  Unsatisfied with the Steeler’s lack of an offense, and the eminent return of the ball in few plays via a punt, the Ravens pull an onside kick, giving the Steelers the ball at the Ravens 43.  Sure enough, the Reelers stumble to a first down and scrape the spheroid over the goalposts and lead by a touchdown, 16-9. This way the Ravens can only tie it, and then set the Steelers up for a game-ending field goal to send Pittsburgh reeling to a two game deficit in the Moldy Carpet standings.   Whew!

TEXANS 16,  CHIEFS 17

This game was close, but it wasn’t exciting, except for Alex Smith’s phantom hand-off that turned into a quarterback draw that turned into a TD, as the Texan defense stood mesmerized by a guy standing there, facing the wrong way, with the ball just dangling in space.  Texans barely lose, despite only 14 first downs. 

BROWNS 13,  PACKERS 31

One of our few ‘invert score’ games this year,  the Brownies are back in gear, losing 2 straight, a cosy 3-4, and the bum’s rush defense of KC waiting for them at Arrowhead this Sunday. 

RAMS 15,  PANTHERS 30

Hey.  Let’s not be hasty and go forgetting about the Rams.  Now 3-4, and rolling out 5 points in the first half, the Lambs are showing some of their old flair.  3 turnovers,  15 first downs, and some revolving QBs.  They’ve dispensed with having a running game, and pulled off a pick-six on the first play of the game.  Yow!  Feels like old times!

DOLPHINS 21, BILLS 23

Another game opens with a return for a TD, with the Dolphins making the first move.  Despite scoring only 1 offensive TD, punting 7 times, and doing just about everything to get beat, the Bills win.  The Flops did it when it counted- with QB Ryan Tannehill capping off his 3-turnover day with a marvel of a fumble at his own 34 with only 2:48 left in the game, and the Bills trailing by a point.   The Bills scrape down to the Miami 13 and even they can’t miss that.  Bills WIN!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s The VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Paper Lions Cream Cheeseheads

That's right, folks. It's about time for the Detroit Kittens to win a game and it's just in time to screw up the Packers' road to the NFC North Crown (one of the smaller, more tarnished jewels in the NFL Universe). The Pack will win the North, but it won't be pretty.

And who is that sitting on the bench there? Number Zero? Of course, it's George Plimpton, the Paper Lion of 1964. The Oracle claims that is when all the Detroit woes and the hex began.

Allowing a journalist to put on a sacred NFL jersey and take the field as quarterback for five plays offended the Gods of the NFL up there in Valhalla or somewhere like that. I hear they drink a lot of wine made from honey there. Yech. What's wrong with a warm PBR and a hot dog? They have good hot dogs in Chicago at Soldier Field, especially the ones with cucumber and onions on them. MMMM.

Anyway, number 0 offended the NFL Gods and so they put a hex on Detroit that took effect on the last game of the 1964 season when the Cleveland Browns romped over the Lions to take the NFL Championship--the last season without a Super Bowl.

Since then the Lions, er, Kittens, have not been in a NFL Championship game, and according to the Oracle, they never will until George Plimpton officially apologies to the Gods, but we aren't sure if that is going to happen because he died in 2003. Sorry, George, great book, but bad for the Lions. Please find Valhalla up there and apologize!

Until then, the Kittens will continue to find the most spectacular ways to lose, no matter how good or bad they are.

But there is a bright moment on the horizon. This week they stagger into Green Bay to take on the Packers who are locked in 8-4 tie for the NFC North with the Chicago Care Bears. The Kittens will somehow find their mojo and will clock the Packers 35-21.

And now for the rest of the predictions:

Denver-28
Oakland-13

Dallas- 24
Cincinnati- 28

Kansas City- 14
Cleveland- 17

Tennessee- 14
Indianapolis- 28

Philadelphia- 28
Tampa Bay- 31

Atlanta- 28
Carolina- 17

NY Jets- 10
Jacksonville- 9

Arizona- 12
Seattle- 32

New Orleans- 33
NY Giants- 36

Detroit- 35
Green Bay- 21

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

The Doormat Division: NFL Week 11 Report

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC

CHICAGO              7-3      +84  

CAROLINA           2-8      -59

PHILADELPHIA  3-7      -90

ST. LOUIS              3-6-1   -63

U. OF PHOENIX   4-6      -63

DETROIT               4-6      -10 

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-9     -132

JACKSONVILLE  1-9     -125

CLEVELAND        2-8     -45

OAKLAND             3-7      -114

TENNESSEE         4-6      -92

BUFFALO              4-6      -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BEARS 7,  49ERS 32

   

True, New England racked up 59 points on the Colts, but this was a serious beat-down so bad, Da Bears get an honorary top slot in the NFC Doormat this week.  The Bears played one of the most unprepared games I can remember in recent memory of division leaders squaring off late in the season.  Journeyman QB Jason "Micromanager" Campbell gets pig-piled on by the Smith brothers, and the Bear defense underestimates 49er QB Colin Kaepernick by about 1000%.   The Bears did nothing.  Zip.  There were some loooooong faces in the locker room and at the press conference.  

A year ago, Campbell was leading the Oakland Raiders to a 4-2 record,  playing confidently, if conservatively, and looking like a guy who was in charge.  Then Carson Palmer came swaggering into town with his special skill set, and guided the Raiders to a bumbling 8-8 finish while the Raiders tossed Campbell under the bus.   He hasn't recovered.   

OVERTIME DERBY

What's worse,  playing like a true loser from the opening kickoff and sending your fans home early, or taking it right to the winning cliff in overtime but still finding a way to lose?  I'll take the latter-  because you KNOW your guys are gonna find a way, so why be put through the torture?

JACKSONVILLE 37, HOUSTON 43  (OT)

And who better to carry the banner than the Jaguars- losers of THREE overtime games on the road this year?

The Gaguars tantalized their fans with a 34-20 lead early in the 4th quarter yesterday, but then finally got the Blow-It-All thinking going in earnest, capping it with a defensive gem where Texan WR Andre Johnson, who set the team record for receiving yards with 273 for the day,  was so wide open for the winning TD in overtime that he had to wave the safety over to get into the photo.

"I told them afterwards, we didn't come here for a tie," Jacksonville coach Mike Mularkey said. "We had some chances. We just did not make some of the plays that we haven't made throughout the year."

Coach, coach, COACH.  What you meant to say was "We just made the same plays we've been making all year."  And it paid off.   That's my Jags- play your game of the year, and still lose.  They sure don't play for the tie.  1-9 and still even with the Chiefs for bragging rights in the Doormat AFC.

CLEVELAND 20, DALLAS 23  (OT)

This one is a doormat gem.  The teams did one fumble-fumble sequence (2 turnovers on two plays), always a good sign.  With 1:09 left in the game, after artfully blowing one 1st and goal opportunity, the Browns fall into the end zone and take the lead.  But 1:09 is more than enough time to lose if DB Sheldon Brown (for the Browns!) can rack up a 35-yard pass interferene call.   BOOM the Cowpies tie it up at the end of regulation.  In OT, the Browns get a fumble recovery waved off, and narrowly avoid having the chance at victory.   Cowpies boot a FG and win a game that spent more time with referee replay commentary than they did with advertisements, which is impressive.  Oscar performance from Referee Ed Hochuli, as hundreds of fans ended up in comas.

CAROLINA 21,  BUCCANEERS 27  (OT)

And who else to cap off the futile nearly winning formula than the always creative Carolina Panthers?  On paper, these guys should win some games.  But we aren't playing rock, PAPER, scissors.   5 of the last 6 Pansies losses were Come-From-Ahead games where they blew the lead in the 4th quarter!!  And yesterday was no exception-  ahead 21-10 entering the fourth quarter, the Pansies stop playing defense and the Bucs whiz by the Kings of Fade.   Carolina 2-8 and still in the driver's seat in the Doormat NFC.   The heated chairs in the Pansy coach's office just went up to 'butt-scorch.'

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

KANSAS CITY 6,  CINCINNATI 28

There's really nothing to say about the Cheaps that hasn't already been said.   Other than after last night's 49er game they probably couldn't dial the phone fast enough to ask the Niners if Alex Smith is available yet.   And this may be Alex's reward for becoming a solid NFL QB.  Arrow-thru-the-Headache future.

I bet they have some rotary phones over there at Cheaps headquarters.

CARDINALS 19,  ATLANTA 23

Another beautiful fade job from the guys who were once 4-0.  Six straight unmistakable Doormat losses.    Sayonara, University of Phoenix.   Seven first downs.   Eight punts.  It was only an illusion they were in the game.

MIAMI 14, BUFFALO 19

Somebody had to win.   The Rams and Niners might argue.

OAKLAND 17,  NEW ORLEANS 38

It was much, much worse.  This was so bad.  It's team-wide.  The Raiders have been outscored now, after those inspiring half-time talks, 123-34 this season in the 3rd quarter.  I wonder if we can get the Raider staff to come to the Basement and do a master class on this phenomena with, hopefully, a video montage of every halftime 'adjustment' session this season.   There's never been anything quite like it.

ST. LOUIS  13,  NY JETS 27

Only the Lambs can make the Jets look viable.   A week after their best tie of the year, the Lambs blow a real chance to win a game against a real bad team.  Not some pretend bad team, a real one.  But this is when the pros step in and take care of business.  And the Lambs have been at this longer than the Jets.  

PHILADEPHIA  6,   WASHINGTON 31

The Feebles fire their coach and then discover it's the same guys going out on the field.   These guys are one Carolina victory away from elbowing their flabby way into first in the Doormat.  WHAT A NOSE DIVE.   I'm on board.

INDIANAPOLIS  24,  NEW ENGLAND 59

Not so fast, DOLTS.  Remember last year?  Yes?  Good.

aaAAAAAAAND That's the View from the Basement!!!

NFL Week 7 Doormat Predictions

Week 6 we saw some great head-to-head Doormat matchups and we also saw some big changes in the Doormat standings.

The Cowboys leaped into 3rd place in the NFC Doormat standings with a solid loss to the Ravens. Dallas is now 2-3 with a -25 scoring differential. Steelers are 2-3 with a +1 scoring differential. They are officially on the Doormat watch. Buffalo and NY Jets are still on the list as well.

Before we turn to this week's predictions, let's take a snapshot look at one of the great Doormat franchises, the New Orleans Saints: http://mcubed.net/nfl/no/index.shtml. 

From 1967-87 they managed to reach .500 only twice, and the by-decade winning average over that period was under .500. From 87 to 92, one of their best stretches, they made 4 wild card appearances, but lost every game. We don't have any Beignets around here, so it's stale Dunkin Donuts and warm beer we tip to you, New Orleans.

And now for the predictions. Once again, we have some great Doormat match ups:

Tennessee- 10
Buffalo- 17

Cleveland- 14
Indianapolis- 21

Green Bay- 42
St. Louis- 17

Washington- 10
NY Giants- 33

New Orleans- 28
Tampa Bay- 3

Dallas- 10
Carolina- 13

Jacksonville- 18
Oakland- 21
(Might be the game of the week.)

Lions- 24
Chicago- 28

Gentlemen, make your predictions...

Doormat Division: NFL Week 5 Preview

Brady Quinn goes up against some tough defense

The Doormat Division Week 5 Preview

(Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose.)

This week’s installment of NFL tragi-comedy features some matchups that has Doormat teams everywhere calling NFL commish Roger Goodell and asking for the bye week THIS week.  No dice.  Get your butt out on the field.

Ravens (3-1) at Chiefs (1-3)

Cheaps QB Matt Cassell is putting up Doormat All-Star numbers through Week 4:  5 TDs against 7 interceptions (2^nd place), 13 sacks (4^th), 70.4 rating, not a single completion over 33 yards- all adding up to a powerful ranking of 29^th in the NFL. 

Time to bench this perennial disappointment?  It depends- do you want to win the Moldy Carpet?  Yes?  Then bring in back-up and Doormat God Brady Quinn!!  And you thought he was running a waffle house back in Columbus.  It’s a shame Brady hasn’t been able to find a team bad enough to get a few starts in, because the memories from his days guiding the Brownies to 9 punts and a field goal are still as vivid as my experiences this week after eating a hamburger of dubious lineage at It’s Tops!  Who can forget the Brownie Bomb: the screen pass that sailed over the entire bench and into the crowd with startling accuracy?  The two-skip passes that would’ve looked great if we’re skipping stones on Lake Erie? The 3 and outs that ate up at least :35?  A career passer rating of 66.8 and no stats for the last two years as the Mighty Quinn has been the secret weapon kept on ice by- who knows? 

So, forget it, Cheaps fans, Cassell it is, and good luck to ya.   Now, having said all that, the Ravens can turn in a real stinker on occasion and the Cheaps are going to be really desperate today.  1-3 and the season fading fast……

EDGE: CHIEFS

Browns (0-4) at Giants (2-2)

The Brownies are not better- just different.  Last year at this time they were 2-2, and don’t you forget it.  Brownies QB Brandon Weeden will need at least 2 interceptions to regain the INT King lead, but I think his -4  league leading TD/INT (3-7) ratio is not in danger.  Giants keep everybody in the game, and if it comes down to a field goal the Browns have the foot in Phil Dawson, a perfect 8-8 and 4-4 from over 50 yards.  

EDGE:  Browns, but juuuuust barely

Bears (3-1) at Jaguars (1-3)

The Bears, as usual, have not beaten a team with a winning record yet this year.  The Jags last victory was two weeks ago.  Make that three weeks.  The Gaguars are money in the Doormat Division.

EDGE:  JAGUARS

Dolphins (1-3) at Bengals (3-1)

The Bengals are second in the NFL with 16 sacks, and rookie Flopper QB Ryan Tannehill gets to check it out first hand.  If they can’t get to Tannehill, look out- the Bengals do give up points and passing yards.

EDGE:  DOLPHINS

Texans (4-0) at Jets (2-2)

Texans should just pummel the Jets for two humiliating defeats at home in a row for Rex Ryan’s lost army.  If Mark Sanchez doesn’t do something quick, like avoid 9 punts and a goose egg, Ryan is going to have to think about something he doesn’t want to think about.  Timmmeeeeeee!  WR Santonio Holmes is out.  What else can happen to the Jets?

EDGE:  JETS

Bills (2-2) at 49ers (3-1)

Democratic Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick should get back in front of Tony Romo in the INT race, and maybe even chalk up another INT for a TD.  The possibilities are endless for this game.

EDGE:  BILLS

Titans (1-3) at Vikings (3-1)

The Titanics wheel out museum piece Matt Hasselbeck and stun the Vikes.   Vikings still beat them.

EDGE:  Titans

Packers (2-2) at Colts (1-2)

The Dolts rest a week, make a good game plan, and Andrew Luck shreds the Packer defense while Aaron Rodgers tries to get his sack lead back.   Colts win.

EDGE:  Meat Packers

Seahawks (2-2) at Panthers (1-3)

Cam “gimme the ball” Newton gets a win.  Somebody has to have a losing record in the NFC West.

EDGE: Seahawks

Chargers (3-1) at Saints (0-4)

This is, without a doubt, the most improbable combination.  Somehow the Chargers are 3-1 and the Saints have stumbled so badly that the paper bags are coming out in New Orleans.   Norv Turner will have his team ready for this one.  They get the loss.

EDGE:  Chargers

The Road Ahead: NFL Week 4 Doormat Style

WEEK 4.  When true Doormat tendencies start to really show up.  And show up big.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS  (0-3) at GREEN BAY (1-2)

It's going to take a small miracle for the Aints to start their turnaround in Green Bay.   The Aints defense has blitzed 28 times, and 22 times the pass was completed (78.6% failure rate).  On those blitzes, they've given up 3 touchdowns and made NO interceptions.  It appears the Aints defense has ceased targeting ANYBODY.

The Packers have not exactly been winning going away...and if fact sport a losing record (1-2).  They lead the league in sacks allowed (16). Yes they got robbed last week, but what were they doing in that position in the first place?   NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said it best: the controversy is "the beauty of sports and the beauty of officiating."   I am always thinking of beauty when I think of NFL refs.   

ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-2)  host the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-1)

The reason the Packers were in a position to lose on Monday night was the Seahawks might have the fastest defense in the league.  Wow.  That ain't the old Seahag defense from days of yore.  Days of your what?  They days of staring at your shoes while your team blows it again.  The Hags aren't blowing anything right now, and the Rams come sliding under the St. Louis arch with only 5 TDs and NO rushing TDs yet this year.  Sam Bradford is averaging 4 sacks a game, and 7 knock-downs.   The Lambs will be lucky to score a touchdown in this one.  

DETROIT LIONS (1-2) host the VIKINGS (2-1)

Here come the Kittens.  The Vikes will not experience a let-down after last week's upset.  On the contrary, they will be so amped up for this contest that that will be Detroit's only hope-  over-pursuit leading to somebody wide frikkin' open down the other side.  The Kittens cannot keep digging huge holes that they have to climb out of.  It's exciting, but they need to score two TDs in the first quarter for once.  Kittens coach Jim Schwartz will officially be on the hot seat if they lose this one at the Kat Box.  

TENNESSEE TITANS (1-2) at HOUSTON TEXANS (3-0)

It's not clear to me how the Texans are going to lose a game this year.  And certainly not this one.

The Titans have NO running game.  39 yards per game.   Titans QB Jake Locker's only been sacked twice, but he has 2 lost fumbles.  Titans should get to 1-3 without much problem.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-2) host the BENGALS (2-1)

Gaguars QB Blaine Gabbert hasn't thrown a TD pass in the first quarter in two years.  But in the fourth quarter this season he has two TDs, 209 yards, and a 122.9 rating.  Of course, one of those TDs came against the spectacular circus that is the Colts secondary on the winning TD last week.  Bengals should grind this game into a million punts.

MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-2) at ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-0)

Ever notice that the Dolphins logo is not wearing a Dolphins helmet?  Their own helmets have a morale problem.  This game is up for grabs, with the real possibility the Crudinals will be 4-0 by Monday.  That's just cwazy.   I'm calling this game EVEN, just cause I need one more week to be convinced of the Floppers true Doormat cred for this year.  

ELSEWHERE:

CHARGERS-CHIEFS

The Chargers might be really bad.  They were really really bad last week.  The Chiefs spent the weekend in the Big Easy last week, and are feeling mighty fine.  Chargers far more likely to slide into the Basement and take up residence.  

PANTHERS at FALCONS

People keep picking the Panthers to upset people and for Cam Newton to be the Michael Jordan of football.  As far as i can tell, he's more Carmelo Anthony.  A ball hog in a game where that's hard to pull off, and you don't win in either.  Pansies are -6 in takeaways and the Falcons are +10.  uh-oh.  

REDSKINS at BUCS

Josh Freeman is not having his 'come-back' year.  I don't know how you can do that when you've had only one decent year in your career.   Redskins lead the league with 99 points.  RGB III was knocked to the ground 28 times last week- it's the 'new' QB.  The one that gets pummeled.    

GIANTS at EAGLES

The Pheebles are the fumble kings in this league (8 on the rug, 6 lost), but it may not be enough.  Wild game in Philly.

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

Raydurzz have to come out swinging like crazy,  kick 3 epic field goals, play the game of their lives in the secondary, and get a kick return for a TD.  Otherwise it's the blow-out of the week and Manning has a field day with the Raydurzz shredded pass defense.   

Doormat Division Week 3 Preview

WORST OF THE NFL WEEK  3,  2012

Remember, the team with the best chance to LOSE has the edge

GAME OF THE WEEK

Kansas City Chiefs at New Orleans Saints

They did an exhumation in a boggy cemetery in New Orleans last week.   Curiosity got the better of the faithful, and they just had to see for themselves if the AINT wasn’t in the box anymore.  They’re buying monkey hands and doing the voodoo and dodging the gris-gris like crazy this week in New Orleans, but help is on the way.

The Cheaps are coming to the Big Easy!   They Cheaps did some probing of their own this week only to discover that their players are, in fact, meatheads.  The smoked barbecue flavor is excellent, by the way.  These two teams are tied for the lead in points allowed, so something’s gotta give.  It’s the Cheaps. 

The generous nature of Midwesterners comes to N.O. just in time.  

EDGE:  CHEAPS

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS  at  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Well, they didn't have to do any probing in Jacksonville.   When you've got a hole in your head the size of a....football,  there's not much to go looking for.   Also noted this week that many of the players did not actually have bodies, but were just pants with no-one inside them.  

Which is scary if you have to go picking snide in the middle of the night in a snide field nine miles wide.   The Gaguars defensive secondary is going to feel like they are covering a nine mile wide field against Andrew Luck.

EDGE:   GAGUARS

BUFFALO BILLS at CLEVELAND BROWNS

The good people of Cleveland were given a ray of hope last week in the nuclear winter of Cleveland sports.   An offense showed up on the Brownie side of the ball.   This threatens the Brownie Blank Helmet offense to the point where they are in serious danger of winning this game.  It's all up to Ryan Fitzpatrick, and which team he decides to throw the ball to.

EDGE:  EVEN

PITTSBURGH STEELERS at  OAKLAND RAIDERS

The Steelers demonstrated last week that they aren't a bunch of cupcakes just yet.   The Raydurzzzzz showed that they are.   With the depleted defensive secondary now decimated with injuries and the linebacking scene stretched to the point of cheap toilet paper from Costco,  the Raydurzz have one last chance at self-respect, and then they can start mailing it in.  Raydurzz the surprise disaster of the season (they look WAY worse than the Aints).    

EDGE:  Rrrrrrrrraydurz!

DETROIT LIONS at  TENNESSEE TITANS

Coming off yet another grinding loss to the 49ers, the Lions pull into Memphis and get ready to torch the Titanics.   The Titanics so far are outperforming all doormats- lowest points scored (23) and biggest point differential (49).   They're ALREADY mailing it in. 

EDGE:  TITANICS   

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers  at  MINNESOTA VIKINGS

YIKES....and away!!!


STIFF OF THE WEEK

ST. LOUIS LAMBS at CHICAGO BEARS

I am only calling this the Stiff of the Week because I forgot to assign it to anybody else.
The Bears found out last week just how far they are from being competitive in their own division, and now they have to contend with a perennial doormat that is actually trying to become a football team.
If the Lambs have any kind of pass rush, they can get Jay Cutler backpedaling and heaving footballs in random directions all day long.  If they don't, they get torched.

EDGE:  LAMBS

aaaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!