Doormat Division Week XVII NFC WORST Special Edition

Doormat Division Weak XVII Special NFC WORST Edition

We gathered in the Basement tonight, we tapped the keg of Hamm’s, fished the 15lb bag of chips out of the possum nest and settled down before the Zenith to watch the Seattle Seahags and the St. Louis Lambs attempt to bring home the playoff bacon to the NFC Worst. In the balance was the first time-ever opportunity for a team to make the playoffs with a LOSING RECORD.

And, in a style that can only be appreciated from the Doormat side of the NFL, they DELIVERED. The Seattle SeaHags have done it. 7-9 and headed to a terrible beat-down at the hands of an actual winning team next week, the Hags stumble into the playoffs. But who cares about that? Let’s savor this game. This moment may never come this way again, sports fans.

SeaHags 16, Lambs 6

Now that the laughter has died down, let’s take a closer look at this contest.

First of all, this game is the STIFF OF THE WEEK. Amazing, huh? Playoffs dangling there, but these teams can still cough up a stinker.

NFL bust back-up starting? Yes! League worst rushing attack here? Aye! The Hags brought a lot of bad to the field in this game, but they were up against a team that knows how. In a game like this, you only need one touchdown. So, after kicking off, the Lambs open up the passing lanes and Hags QB Charlie Whitehurst earns his $10 million dollars in the first 4 minutes of the game, finding receivers so open, that they couldn’t help but catch the ball….as long as they’re not playing for the Lambs. 7-0, Hags.

But wait! There’s 3 ½ more quarters to play. The game is not over (though, actually, it was). Needing to score a touchdown, possibly the most intimidating task in all of football, the Lambs respond by starting a punt fest, and the Hags and Lambs squeeze in 6 punts by the end of the quarter. That’s 7 changes of possession in 11:30. It’s like tennis.

2^nd quarter

Lambs finally get their offense in gear, move down the field, but are frightened by the looming goal line, and settle for a field goal. 7-3, Hags. 4 more punts and both teams retire to the locker rooms, where the Lambs make a crucial halftime adjustment. They brought out the deadly Dink and Drop offense. Watch it work its magic.

3^rd quarter

The Hags know that Doormat axiom, though: a fumble is better than a punt. Boom! Hags hand over the ball on their own 28 on the next play from scrimmage. Ha! Try and not score.

Lambs dink and drop a little, inch closer, but freak out again, kick another field goal, and beat a hasty retreat to the sideline heaters. 7-6 Hags. Still safely behind. Hags respond by running the ball, a surefire way to set up a nice punt, but the Lambs are ready, and guide Seattle down the field- Hags chip in another 3 points in this game of Football Lowball. 10-6 Hags.

Lambs respond by dropping two perfectly thrown balls, one a bomb, by Sam Bradford.

Punt!

4^th Quarter

At this point, the bumbling goes into high high gear.

1. Seahag coach Carroll calls a timeout by not calling a time out, and gets charged for a timeout before a punt. Nice. Since you are playing a team trying to out-doormat you, you will probably get away with it. Lambs respond promptly with the dink, drop and punt, and Hags somehow get downfield again, kicking another FG.

Hags 13-6. This is a HUGE lead.

2. The Lambs start dropping everything Sam Bradford throws, especially the ones that hit them right in the numbers. ow!

3. Lambs, needing to get off a play before a challenge is made by the Hags (on a dropped pass, of course), get a delay of game! Hags fail to throw red flag anyway.

4. Bradford, desperate to find somebody who can catch a pass, gives up and throws to the Hags. INT at 8:42 of the game. SeaHags take the ball and start the longest drive of the game, an assortment of 4-yard gains that St. Louis had no answer for (the answer is ‘defense’).

5. the Refs get into the doormat act, totally blowing a placement on 3 and 1, giving Seattle a 1^st down. Nobody for the Lambs objects. We know what they want.

6. Lambs hold, Seattle lines up 45-yard FG, and….Lambs jump offside! First down, Seattle.

7. Lambs let way too much time go off clock, Hags work it down to 1:41, kick the final points of the regular season through the goal posts, and achieve DOORMAT IMMORTALITY.

16-6, SeaHags.

16 punts total.

Lambs: 184 total yards, 10 first downs, 2-14 on third down. 0-2 in the red zone (Hags 1-4). And to think, these guys almost won the division.

This game was played cellar style, Doormat All-Star style. But, to be honest, not surprisingly the team that is still standing in the NFC Worst, as bad as they may be, is coached by Pete Carroll, the guy I loved to hate at USC. The playoffs are here, and this guy’s team, bumbling and all, is still playing. We here in the Doormat Basement have predicted, in a fit of hilarity, that the NFC West champ will advance to the NFC Championship. But…Charlie Whitehurst is not Kurt Warner. Still, I’m not writing them off. They are the pride of the Doormat division tonight.

You CAN win for losing tonight!