The Doormat Division: Week III Preview!
Time to start separating the men from the bumbling knuckleheads!
Games of the Week
*remember now, The Edge goes to the team most likely to LOSE.
Arizona Crudinals at Seattle Seahags
Now, there has to be better things to do in Seattle than witness this. Have somebody throw at fish at you in Pike Market, for example. But to us, this is the marquee game of the week! Can the Hags go 0-3, and officially throw their hat into the Andrew Luck/Moldy Carpet Sweepstakes? Why else would you start Tavaris Jackson? The Yikings were thrilled to see the door whack him on the butt on his way out , and see what it did for them. The Hags tend to play well at home, though I just am not sure what ‘well’ is for this sinking ship of fools. The Crud bring NFC passing juggernaut Kevin Kolb (I bet the Eagles still wish he was backing up Mr. Vick) into Century Stink Field for a puntfest of epic proportions. Epic. 15 punts. EDGE: Hags
Floppers at Brownies’ Bake Sale
Huge test for the Floppers 0-2 start. If you can lose to the Brownies in Cleveland, you can lose anywhere. EDGE: Floppers
0-for-9ers at Bungles (Stiff of the Week)
The 0-for-9ers continue their glory days memory lane tour with a stop at Brown Pall Stadium. Following their sparkling Come From Ahead loss to the Cowboys last week, the Niners will play exactly the same as they always do. Mediocre. The Bungles, bad as they are, haven’t forgotten getting edged TWICE in the Super Bowl to these insufferable wine and cheese fancy pants from California. The Bungles are off their training regimen, as WR Jerome Simpson and OL Anthony Collins blew the drop in Kentucky for the team shipment of 2.5lbs of pot. There was already 6 pounds in the house and just the aroma was so strong that all parties, including the cops, got… kinda…. distracted…. so no arrests were made. But God knows what the Bungles are having to smoke in the tunnel at haltime, so look for them to be OFF their game. Which might mean playing better. They haven’t commited a turnover yet this season (that can’t last now). The Niners play like Doormat champs on the road.
Edge: 0-for-9ers
Reality Check, Please!
New England Pats at Buffalo Nils (Hralph Stadium)
Nils are racking up the points and having an awfully good time. The giant inflated balloon of hope is falling into a barrel and going over Niagra this Sunday. EDGE: Nils
BLOWOUTS of the WEAK
Detroit Lions at Yikings
The Ex-Kittens come into Maul of America stadium for a right proper mauling of the Yikes, who won’t get another Come from Ahead Loss here, unless they get a cheap shot field goal to start the game (always a good indicator of bad things to come). Believe me, the Lions can’t WAIT for this game to start, and to start kicking NFC North rivals into the basement all season long. EDGE: Yikings
Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Dolts
Can the Steelers toss another shutout? Why not? Kerry Collins goes for negative yardage. Dolts go for negative everything. Humongous Edge: DOLTS
Cheaps at San Diego
You never know with AFC West games, reality doesn’t really apply way out here on the coast, where somedays the weather alone makes you think you might be on a psychedelic of some kind. The Cheaps are on a really really bad trip, and it doesn’t end here. Edge: Cheaps
Ravens at Lambs
Lambs still have a really good chance of winning the NFC West. AND winning the Moldy Carpet. I don’t see why you can’t have both. Without Stephen Jackson, the Lambs are no longer 1-dimensional. EDGE: Lambs
The Rest of the Sorry Pile
Donkeys at Titanics
Titans won last week. They are at home. They have a football. That’s good enough for me. Edge: Donks
Jets at Raydurz
Raydurz have a defense full of comedians. Every penalty is exquisitely well placed. Al Davis is still alive. Despite this, I still give the Raydurz a chance to actually win this game. But not enough of a chance. EDGE: Raydurz
Jesus, how many Doormat teams are there? There’s too much parity. Let’s get some serious SERIOUS LOSERS here, okay? No more pretenders by week 4.
Jacksonville at Pansies
Pansies should get about 3 yards rushing against the Jags, and Cam Newton gets to try to thread the needle and be Michael Jordan in pads for another week. Edge: Pansies
DEADSKINS at COWPIES
Tony Romo has a cracked rib and punctured lung. So? Stop faking it, you attention seeking prima donna and get out there! You can’t let the Deadskins get away with leading the NFC East! EDGE: Deadskins
aaaaAAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!
Good grief, Bills beat Pats at the buzzer in dramatic comeback. They are already talking playoffs in the hot wing city. Kittens top Yikings in OT. I am 6-0! Whete's the Bohemian? Honk me a quart, quick...at least Floppers could not even beat the Brownies. Go Floppers, go!
ReplyDeleteYikings off to incredible start. 0-3 with THREE come from ahead losses. If that doesn't create a lot of tailspin, I don't know what will.
ReplyDeleteHave to admit, it was great to see the fans in Buffalo. I don't think they have felt that good since the last time they lost the Superbowl. When was that? 88? It's been a long time, and the Patsiettes must have been especially satisfying, like an ice cold vodka after pulling a 30 pound whitefish through an ice hole on Lake Erie. I wonder how many Buffalos missed work today!
ReplyDeleteYikings showed serious doormat class these first three weeks. You may have a real loser on your hands, wacko.
I'm looking really good with the Vikes, but it's the Cheaps next week, and that may be really hard to lose that one. If they put up a 20-0 lead on the Cheaps, they'll win.
ReplyDeleteThe Pies win a field goal orgy! Classic Doormat football in prime time!!
ReplyDelete9 field goals! One Touchdown! Elvis is gonna hate this.
ReplyDelete