The Doormat Division: Weak III Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK III WRAP UP AND DROP KICK INTO THE NEXT STATE

Good morning, bleary eyed Doormat denizens. Things are coming into focus any second now, and though we have FIVE 0-3 teams driving their future and fans directly into a fetid ditch of football futility, today’s column is all about the guys leaving the club.

ADIOS Nils!!!!

Buffalo BILLS 34, Patsies 31

In a game they won’t soon forget in upstate New York, across Lake Erie, and throughout the Buffalo Universe (I’m sure that includes a stocking cap and a huge down parka), the Nils come from behind AGAIN, this time against eternal nemesis the New England Patriots. The last time the Nils beat the Pats, it was 1777. I’m sure it felt like it. How many times can you stand to watch Tom Terrific, who looks like he’s 9 feet tall back there, getting enough time to watch Lord of the Rings in the pocket while he handsomely arcs passes to gazelle-like receivers and all your women seem to be wearing their best push-up bras to the game? Huh? Little tired of that?? Not that you mind the fashion statement, but it's for the WRONG TEAM.

It’s different in Buffalo now. The fans, staring down the barrel of a 21-3 Pats lead, did not slump into their $9 beer and start fumbling in their coat pockets for whatever it was they snuck into the game. They kept rocking and screaming and the team didn’t let them down. Intercepting Brady FOUR TIMES in the second half, one for a TD, the Nils stage a furious rally, piling up 448 total yards and kicking the Pats off the field with a boot from Rian Lindell from 28 yards as time expired. The place went so nuts, the cops just lowered the goal posts FIRST, before anybody even got on the field!!

The Nils still have a pretty atrocious defense, folks, but BOY can they score. Just like the Doormat Division predicted, all those games they barely lost year, they should barely win this year. And they’re doing it. 3-0 and ATOP the AFC East, thanks in part to fellow ex-Doormat the Oakland Raiders stomping the New York Jets yesterday.

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Please, don’t come back for a while, okay? It’s kinda crowded down here.

ADIOS, KITTENS!!

Detroit Lions 26 Mini-ha-ha Yikings 23 (OT)

The Yikes did it again! Wow!!! In four years of Doormat coverage, no team has pulled off three legitimate Come From Ahead losses in a row. This time, the Yikes rolled some big blunts in the locker room at halftime, safely ahead 20-0. STUMBLING out of the tunnel in a cloud of smoke….all right, all right, I didn’t see any smoke. But, the Lions hadn’t beat the Yikes on their home turf since 1997..which sounds about right, because the Lions haven’t beaten anybody since 1997. I mean, we’ll be saying stuff like that all year if they keep winning. Whatever it is the Yikes are doing in the locker room at halftime, keep it up guys! You’ve got NFC Doormat Champion written all over you. The Moldy Carpet is pointing towards Minneapolis.

The Kittens rocket to 3-0, first time in 31 years, yup, and the Yikes plummet to 0-3. Two more games before the Yikes completely give up for the whole game, instead of just half. Not that it matters. Up next for the Yikes- the CHEAPS!! Doormat game of the week for Week IV.

GOODBYE KITTENS! Unless, of course, Stafford gets injured and the wheels come off immediately.

ADIOS RAYDURZ!!

Raydurz 34 Crop Duster Bi-Planes 24

That loss to Buffalo doesn’t look so bad now, do it? The Oakland Raiders get up off the mat, and take it to the NY Jets, basically running OVER the Jets with the best running back in the league, Darren McFadden, blowing through holes the Black Swan could navigate through. ARR!!!

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Pass the rum.

Okay, enough of these winners. Let’s get on the right side of losing here. There were at least 4 really stink-o games yesterday, but we’d better lead off with a Doormat powerhouse:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK!

Lambs 7, Ravens 37

The Lambs were picked by many people to win the NFC Worst this year…including us (with a losing record, of course). The Lambs are not going quietly into the Doormat night people. 3 weeks, 3 losses, and this one looked really bad. Spotting the Ravens to a 30-0 lead, the Rams then scored a touchdown. Okay, good enough! The Rams put on a Punt Punt and Punt event for the 1^st quarter, getting in FIVE of them, which would average out to 20 for a game, and at the same time, moving the Ravens into a masterful lead of 21-0. Nobody throws a game better than the Lambs. I mean it. Shaking things up for the 2^nd quarter, the Lambs go for an interception, some more punts, and an array of penalties that would impress the Raiders. The Lambs are the team to beat- get in line, everyone- in the NFC.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

0-for-9ers 13, Bungles 8

Okay, this was my official Doormat coverage game, and it didn’t disappoint. Our first true Stiff of the year. Even the score is a tip-off. ONE TOUCHDOWN. 14 punts. A really stupid intentional safety by the Niners that gave the Bungles a shot to win the game, which they immediately shot down with a total bone-head cheap shot hit on the ensuing punt-off that took them out of Hail Mary range. It was that kind of game, with each team out-Darwin-ing the other one play after another. Penalties, fumbles, interceptions, and just plain shoddy SHODDY execution. This stuff doesn’t happen by accident, people. They just kept coming. The Bungles didn’t convert a 3^rd down until 12:00 in the 3^rd quarter. 1-10 on the game. The 0-fers didn’t get across midfield until the mid-point of the 3^rd quarter, and that’s because they started at their 42!! 0-fer QB Alex Smith was given exactly .000000000003 seconds to drop back and pass all day, and the miscommunication on the offensive line was Doormat All-Star. There was so much gesticulating, I thought they were going to break into “Hand Jive.” It was that kind of day.

Inept offense will out-bungle inept defense every time, and that’s how the Bungles pulled out the loss. After the 0-fers lone touchdown in the 4^th quarter, A.J. Dalton followed up on the next play with a perfect pass to 0-fer-9 cornerback Carlos Rogers. Game over.

One drive stands out: First and goal for the 0-fer-9ers. Offsides, Niners. Then, personal foul Bungles, automatic first down at the 3. Then, false start, Niners (something like 8 for the game). First down at the 8. Then, 3 crumbles by the O-line, and a field goal. Now that’s what I call RED ZONE conversion, Doormat style!!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Floppers 16, Brownie-Bake-Sale 17

If you can lose in Cleveland, you are on your way. The Floppers are no longer under the radar in the Doormat. Keep an eye on these guys. They’ve got potential.

Cheaps 17, Chargers 20

Cheaps keep it going with narrow loss, but a loss all the same. 0-3 and maybe we should go shopping for some new wallpaper for the basement. That Pansy wallpaper isn’t going to last, I can tell.

Dolts 20, Steelers 23

Dolts also keep it close, and were, in fact, AHEAD in this game until the 4^th quarter, when the Steelers finally realized the Dolts would just give them the game, if they’d just ask. Losing in the final seconds on a field goal is how you end up at the bottom of the standings, but in FIRST in the Doormat. Dolts still perfect 0-3.

Donkeys 14, Titans 17

Donkey-Buncos may not be SUPER BAD, but they are trying. If you can keep your yardage under 250, you’ve got a fighting chance to lose. The defenses haven’t caught up to the offenses completely, but training camp is finally over in week III. Donkeys may not get 2 touchdowns again for a while.

Pansies 16, Gaguars 10

Walkfish called it. Pansies last best chance to win one before playing teams with playoff aspirations. Gaguars may be really bad. Pansies will be hard pressed to repeat as Doormat champs. Cam Newton just too much football player to succumb to the culture of losing. Insane team owner or not.

HAGS 13, Crudinals 10

If it wasn’t for the Bungles-Niners game, this is Stiff of the Week. Like we said, you just can’t lose them all in the NFC Worst. The Hags, faced with great field position most of the game, just couldn’t pull out the loss. After scoring their 1 touchdown in the 3^rd quarter, the Hags punt on their last 5 possessions, all to no avail. The Crud finish their scoring early in the second quarter, and barely even bother to get a first down the rest of the game. It’s the kind of game where, if you are at the stadium, you really don’t remember the entire second half, because, well, you were watching the seagulls, and other things that move.

THIS WEEK’S SUPER LOWS

Points: 7 Lambs

First downs: 12 Bears

Yards: 231 Donkeys

Rush: 13 Bears

Pass: 171 Cheaps (edging out the Donks by a yard)

3^rd down conv 1-10 Bungles

Sacks 5 multiple teams.

Punts 8 Pansies

Penalties 12 0-fer-9ers

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!