The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!