The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap and Disposal

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap-Up and Disposal

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAND THEY’RE OFF!!!!

And we mean OFF. Welcome to the Doormat Division 2011 Season, and, clearly, there is a changing of the guard happening. Fans all over the country are already deflating their expectations after only one game, and let’s start with the biggest balloon pop.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Nils 41, Cheaps 7

Last year’s biggest mirage, the Kansas City Cheaps, stink out Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium in yesterday’s home opener in style. I can’t think of a worse home opener in the last 10 years. 13 First downs, 213 total yards, 3 turnovers (all turned into points), and defense you could run a buffalo herd through.

Like this one:

The Bills (yes I said Bills) looked really good yesterday. Oh, the view of Lake Erie must be especially good this week. But let’s not get all starry eyed. They were playing the Cheaps! Using a traffic cone for the entire left side of their offensive line, the Cheap’s Matt Cassel gets sacked only 2 times, but runs for his life all day.

The Nils put on a beat-down that reminds us of a few flashes they put on late last year, and if they keep this up, they’re going to lose their membership. Next up for the Nils, the RAYDURZ. Next up for Cheaps: The Kittens at the Kat Box. Sayonara.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

There really isn’t a stiff of the week. Only the Gaguars and Titanics kept it under 20 points, no 1 touchdown games, and not a single punt fest. What’s the world coming to?

GAME OF THE WEAK

Arizona Crudinals 28, Carolina Pansies 21

The Face-off between last year’s Doormat champ and the NFC runner-up was a wild affair, but the outcome was still the same. The Pansie’s new golden boy, Cam Newton, racks up 400 yards in passing….and loses. First loss since Jr. College. Welcome to the team, Newt! Pansies still have no defense. Okay, so what’s the news from this game? The Crudinals are also employing the new ‘traffic cone’ defense in their secondary. The Deadskin’s Rex Grossman better get ready for his best game of the season next week against the Cruds. Or maybe that’s just The Crud. The Crud got only 15 first downs, and WON the game- Pansies still giving up the BIG PLAY. Best in the league at it.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Raydurz 23, Donkeys 20

I’m not sure if either team really deserved to win this, but Seabass kicks a 63 yard field goal (what, can’t somebody at least TRY 64 yards??), and had a celebratory ale in a square-toed boot. Kyle Orton does some fancy Dave Krieg impressions in the second half (sack-and-fumble!), and the Donkeys start off the Moldy Carpet campaign on the right hoof. Raiders commit 15 penalties for 131 yards- and they WON. Must think they're the Steelers. Oh, wait, bad analogy today.

Deadskins 28 NY Giants 17

Uh, oh. Maybe it’s the Giants that are going to the bottom of the NFC East. QB Rex Grossman piles up 305 yards of passing, and the team commits almost no mistakes. Giants bumble all over the field, go 1-10 on third down, and put on a false start clinic, particularly effective when done on 3^rd down.

Kittens 27 Bootineers 20

These guys can score. May not be Doormat guys for much longer. Hold your breath. Or eat a mint, okay?

Bungles 27 Brownies 17

Nobody took the Brownies in our Doormat fantasy league. Might want to keep an eye on these guys. How can we forget and forsake them? Bungles commit ZERO turnovers, and only 3 penalties. I can’t believe I’m writing that. Brownies, on the other hand, turn in the kind of performance we’ve come to expect. Drive killing penalties, and plenty of punting, and losing. Actually, these two teams got off 16 punts, which is pretty close to Stiff of the Week credentials. But the score…just too high.

Houston Texans 34, Indiapolis Dolts 7

Kerry Collins looks like a Confederate Colonel…and just as old. These guys could be 0-5 real easy, if Manning doesn’t come back real soon, and also play free safety.

Seahags come out swinging and lose to the Niners (yesterday’s False Start Frenzy), looking really bad. Yikings pull off first really good Come From Ahead loss of the season (and also are the Doormat Team of the Week), Dolphins (Floppers) play football, but remember their desinty in time to put up an ‘L’ ,

And the LAMBS are STILL the Lambs and don’t you forget it. They lose both Stephen Jackson and Sam Bradford to injuries, though Bradford will be back for more punishment next week.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 7 Cheaps and Dolts

First downs: 10 Yikings

Total Yards: 187 Yikings

Rushing: 43 Titanics

Passing: 28 Yikings

Turnovers: 3 multiple teams

Sacks 5 Lambs, Falcons

Penalties: 15 Raiders 131 YARDS!!!!!