Doormat Division: NFC the FIRST FIVE GAMES

NFC the First Five Games

Half of the NFC is doormat material, it seems. Holy Cow. Where to start? Start with the Champs. (In parenthesis after team name is the 2010 record for first five games)

Carolina Pansies (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Bank of America (Foreclosure Field)

First Five: Crudinals, Packers, Jacksonville, Chicago, New Orleans.

Doormat Champeen Carolina has to play in the NFC South and takes on the entire NFC North, so they’re pretty much toast. Their most winnable game is Week 1 against the Crudinals. Then week 8 vs. Yikings. OUTLOOK: 1-4, season 3-13

Washington Deadskins (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Fed Up Field

First Five: Giants, Crudinals, Cowpies, Lambs, Eagles

Rex Grossman is the starting QB. Mike Shanahan is learning about losing.

Skins won 3 of 4 overtime games last year, scraping out a 6-10 record. They've been flying under the radar for a few seasons now, but this year they are breaking out...in the Doormat.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 4-12

Minnesota Yikings (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Maul of America

First Five: Chargers, Bootineers, Kittens, Cheaps, Crudinals

You know, if I’d looked at the schedule before picking these guys, I might have changed my mind- they have the AFC Worst, the Pansies, the Cruds, and the Cheaps on their schedule. Outside of their division, it’s powder puff football. Yikes have best lineman name: RT- Loadholt.

Outlook: 3-2 ouch. Season: 6-10

University of Phoenix Crudinals (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: University of Phoenix (this name is so stupid we don’t have to change it)

First Five: Pansies, Deadskins, Sehags, Giants, Yikings

Nobody took the Cruds! Maybe I will. Kevin Kolb is being viewed as great, compared to what they had before at QB. Derek Anderson goes from starting on the Cruds to 3^rd string on the Pansies. Things have to get better here. But why?

Outlook: 1-4. Season- 5-11

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Candlestink

First Five: Seahags, Cowpies, Bungles, Eagles, Bootineers

Niners have amazingly soft schedule, with the Steelers, Eagles, Ravens and Giants the only teams with winning records from last year. Niners are going with youth. It’s like the JV team out there. It could get really ugly, even with the light schedule. Alex Smith will be on the DL by week 6. They won’t score another offensive touchdown after that.

They’ll only score 2 before that.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 4-12

St. Louis Lambs & BBQ (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Mary had a Little Lamb’s Backyard

First Five: Eagles, Giants, Ravens, Deadskins, Packers

Wow that’s a murderer’s row, except for the Deadskins. The Powder Puff schedule doesn’t kick in until week 9. Lambs in trouble.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 6-10

And last, our long-running losingest bunch of losers, the guys who started it all...

Detroit Kittens (2010: 1-4)

Stadium: The Kat Box

First Five: Bootineers, Cheaps, Yikings, Cowpies, Bears

Is it a mirage? Are the Lions really that good on offense? They better have improved their conditioning, offense and defense, since they pooped out in the 3^rd quarter every game last year.

Outlook: 3-2 season: 7-9

Some of these teams we expect ineptitude from on a regular basis, it’s true. After 5 games, the truly destined will be 0-5. There are those that come on strong after, like the Bungles last year, and the Cruds. It's time to put your fumbles where the turf is. Let's play ball!!!!!