The Doormat Division: Week 13 Rapport

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 13 STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA      3-9      -103

CAROLINA            3-9       -57

U. OF PHOENIX    4-8       -48

DETROIT               4-8      -15

ST. LOUIS             5-6-1   -46

AFC

KANSAS CITY      2-10     -134

JACKSONVILLE   2-10       -136

OAKLAND             3-9      -141

CLEVELAND        4-8        -36

TENNESSEE         4-8       -111

SAN DIEGO          4-8       +1

STIFF OF THE WEEK

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX 6,  NY JETS 7

"Tim, is that i before e or after sometimes y?"

Jets QB Mark Sanchez finally finds something useful to do on the sidelines and the Jets respond by winning a game with their 13th string QB,  Greg McElroy, coming in and engineering what no-one thought was possible yesterday-  a scoring drive that ended in a TD.   Two teams with two very different losing philosophies met in this clash of Titanics-  the Nyets deploying the interception-fumble plan, while the Crudinals came at them with everything their punter, Dave Zastudil, had.  10 punts for 448 yards!  137 net yards on offense!  The Cruds went 0-15 on 3rd down, and amassed a league-wide season low 5 first downs.  A.J. Feely took care of the scoring with two 75-yard field goals after interceptions or some other gift.   The Jets, down to their last dime, put in McElroy and the game slips through their fingers and any real chance at the Moldy Carpet with it.  The Jets, Bills, and Dolphins are all 5-7, just like we predicted it would happen in the AFC East.   Sometimes, you just can't lose.  The Cruds, though, should lose at least 3 of the last 4 (Seattle, Detroit, Chicago, SF),  and I think they are going 4-12.  They could still win it.  

You know, every NBA team has a guy way down at the end of the bench, the 12th guy, who never gets in the game.  Yesterday, with the Jets fans chanting McElroy's name, praying that Rex Ryan would put him, or anybody for that matter,  into the game, it took me back to my youth in Portland, Oregon.  The Portland Trailblazers were a brand new team and were pretty damn bad.  Being the 12th guy on the worst team in the league was a real distinction.  One night, with about 578 other people in the building, we began chanting our 12th man's name- Stricker.   It started in low, and then started to grow.  Pretty soon, everybody was chanting "Put in Stricker, put in Stricker."   Sure enough, with the game safely out of reach,  the coach peered way down the bench and called his name.  The place went nuts.   Stricker came in, scored 47 points in 10 minutes and the rest is history.  

Well, no, but he did get a couple buckets and his teammates fed him the ball every time downcourt.  It must have felt great.  Stricker didn't stick in the NBA, but at least he got to feel what it was like when a crowd wanted to see him in the game.   Add Greg McElroy to the list.

GAME OF THE WEEK

CHIEFS 27,  PANTHERS 21  

When a team as bad as the Chiefs are this year are struck by a stunning tragedy as they were on Saturday,  you have no idea how they will respond.  As everyone knows by now,  KC linebacker Jovan Belcher murdered his girlfriend on Saturday, then drove to Chiefs headquarters, spoke to coach Romeo Crennel and GM Scott Piloli, thanked them for giving him a chance to play for the Chiefs, and shot himself dead right there in the parking lot, leaving behind an orphaned baby.  And Crennel thought he was just coaching a bad football team.

How do you play a football game the very next day after something like that?   Apparently, you play your hearts out.   Facing the second worst team in the NFC, the Chiefs refuse to go down quietly, Brady Quinn throws 2 TD passes for the first time since the invention of the football, and the Chiefs top the Carolina Panthers in undoubtedly the most emotional game in the NFL this year.  

Our hats are off.  Go Chiefs.

SOLID LOSING

JAGUARS 18,  BILLS 38

This is a close as we get to a blow-out this week.  The Gags...are playing better football.  I'll admit it.  They aren't the well-oiled losing machine they were earlier in the year.  But, they are back in a tie now with the Chiefs and it's going to go down to the last game of the year.  The Gaguars still find a way when others give up.

BLOTS 13,  BENGALS 20

Chargers QB Philip Rivers pulls it off again, rallying late and then throwing the really bad game killing interception.   Pow! Blam!  You gotta hand it to him- he's got style.  Right down to the unfazed look he gets when he's really really blown it.  He's done the pissed-off thing so many times, he's had to change the shtick.  The AFC Worst just keeps on getting worser.  Wurster.

BROWNIES  20,  RAIDERS 17

The Raydurz can't beat the Browns at home.  Say that to yourself 10 times, Raiders fans.The Oakland Raydurzzz come skidding into Monday with a 5-game losing jag going, and they might as well start releasing everybody, and not just Rolando McCain.  Get on the Doormat bandwagon and stop the posturing.  These guys are only 1 game off the pace, but finishing 3-13 is a tall order.  Last 4 games:  Denver, Chiefs, Panthers, Chargers.   I say 4-12.   The Browns host the Chiefs next week, and if they can't lose that one, they're finishing 5-11.

The serious disconnect between the Raiders coach's plans and the player's execution, in particular the O-line zone blocking (which has eliminated what was a pretty good rushing attack) and the entire defense, is something to not behold.  Yesterday's game managed to be blacked out, even with the new rules.  Let's hope they black out the road games, too.  I hope you can get a bumper sticker that says "I blacked out at a Raiders game."

EAGLES 33,  COWBOYS 38

Whatever your team scores, the Pheebles will craftily get under that number to make it look like they could have won.   The Philly Pheebs are in first in the NFC Doormat, and they win a tiebreaker over the Panthers, since they almost won against them last week.  The Pheebs have a great chance to finish 3-13.  Their last 4 games:  Tampa,  Cincy, Washington and NY Giants.   aaaaaaand speaking of almost winning:

LIONS 33, COLTS 35

Explain to me how two teams score 68 points,  pile up 910 net yards of offense, turn it over 4 times, yet still punt 15 times.  What a wild game.  The Lions now have a legitimate chance to retake the Doormat crown, which has eluded them for a few years now.  Those great, golden years of losing may be back already.   The Kittens can rack up points that put them in no danger of winning.   Kittens wins have been:  Lambs, Gaguars, Seahawks, and Pheebles.  Impressive!  3 of their last 4 games are against teams above .500, which pretty much guarantees a loss. Their lone trouble spot is the Crudinals on Dec. 16th.  The Crudinals are on fire, though, with 8 straight appalling attempts at football.   Looks like 5-11 to me.


NOTES:  I know I haven't been reporting the stats lately....I've just been enjoying the pure ebb and flow of the games,  the poetry of it all.   After all, doesn't the game speak for itself?

aaaAAAAAAnd THAT's THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!