WEEK 16 WRAP-UP AND GIANT WOOKIE PUNT into SPACE

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO MOLDY GLORY

THIS IS GOING TO BE BRIEF, GUYS, AS I'M ON THE RU- I mean, I'm on the road, and only stopping to switch cars and log in on anonymous wi-fi in places that look like they shouldn't even HAVE wi-fi.  It's snowing, that's all I can say.

NFC

The league-leading 49ers brought home the bacon from the Kat Boxx yesterday, playing for one half, and then shutting it all down and pouring some fresh kitty litter for the Lions.  Niners get plastered 32-17.  Probably more of them got plastered later, as well, police report at 11.

The Cowboys still kept pace, though, laying down an egg the size of Lake Erie up in Buffalo.  It was a field goal contest until the only touchdown of the game finally flopped across the goal line for the Bills in the 4th quarter.

NEXT WEEK:  Niners entertain the Rams, and should find a way to lose that one, but Rams-Niners games, though not nearly the rivalry they once were, are completely unpredictable.  The Cows finish up at home with the Redskinks and, unless divine intervention occurs, will lose and lose handily.  The pilot of my getaway pla- I mean, our plane to our vacation spot- asked if there were any Cowboy fans on board, and if he got a majority he'd get us there faster, and to give a cheer for a winning season next year.  That's when I stuck a loaded salami in his face and told him he was very mixed up about what the Cows were playing for, and there was a championship on the line and don't go messing it up.

AFC

The Browns and Titanics are in an epic struggle.  The Titanics are back, trying for a Doormat feat seldom achieved- the Moldy Carpet Trophy two years running.  The Titans got absolutely shellacked by the Texans, 34-6, fumbling it away three times, throwing an interception and still finding time to punt 9 times.  That's INCREDIBLE.  

The Brownies were in a dangerous one with the Chiefs, who still confuse any viewer as to whether they are watching a playoff team or one of the boring-est Doormat teams to ever put on a pair of shiny pants.  The Chiefs lost in every category except the one that counts- points.  Browns stage futile comeback in the second half, but artfully came up short.

NEXT WEEEK:  Browns finish up at home against a Steeler team scraping to make the playoffs, after their phenomenal stumble against the Cravens yesterday. Browns might get excited to be a spoiler and spoil everything.  Titans face off against the very challenging Colts in Indianapolis. The Clots beat Miami yesterday, and that was no piece of cake. Losing to the Colts will be a tough one, but I think the Titanics are up for the challenge.
As bad as the Colts have been, they can still win the AFC South.

Uh,oh..sirens...I gotta log off and hit the road.  I'll be back in the Basement this weekend, with a stocked fridge of Burgie, Busch, and the Green Death. And probably with a car that is not the car idling out in the diner parking lot right now.


DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA              PD

Whiners      4-11          219 - 371       -

Cows          4-11          252 - 340       -

Kittens        6-9           334 - 380        -

Ain’ts         6-9            388 - 459       -

daBares      6-9            315 - 373       -

Lambs        7-8            264 - 311       -

AFC

                  W-L          PF-PA            PD

Browns      3-12           266 - 404      -

Titanics      3-12          275 - 393      -

Chargers    4-11           300 - 371      -

Cravens      5-10          312 - 377      -

Floppers     5-10          290 - 379      -

Gaguars      5-10          370 - 418      -


aaaAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

Last Doormats Standing

With one week to go, here are where the Doormat Owners lie:

_________ Charred/Cowpies     8-22

JIMBO        Titanics/Ain’ts           9-21

Walkfish      Brownies/Kittens      9-21

DTRocks     Gags/da’Bares        11-19

ERK            Whiners/Toxins        12-18

Elvis            Bootineers/Nils        13-17

MOOSE      Deadskins/Cravens 13-17

(2) Teams with 4-11 Records left out of the "owner" mix, while (2) play-off teams remain in. Clearly, the Doormat Owners need to study up next year. The best Doormat record is with two teams nobody drafted! The Doormat Commish is not pleased: "At least there will be no one with a .500 or better record..." he said with disgust.

Currently JIMBO has the Tie-Breaker over Walkfish based on head to head (Cleveland beat Tennessee and Detroit beat New Orleans) while Washington bested Tampa Bay, so Moose falls below Elvis, with one weekend left.

Doormats Hit Home Stretch in NFL Week 16

Whoa, is it Sunday already? (Stumbling banging sounds.) Who turned out the basement lights? Where's the remote? Why didn't somone wake me up? Good grief, everything was fine on Wednesday. I was just finishing my 123rd rum ball and washing it down with Kahlua and warm IPA and that was about it. It must have been the potato chips. Did I really miss Christmas? Oh? I didn't? Uh, do I need to apologize to anyone? I need some water and a stack of flapjacks.

But first, with only minutes left before Sweet 16 Sunday kicks off, here are the Oracle's game predictions. I guess we ate all the turkey so we will have to spin a bottle of Andre Champagne....

The Games That Really Matter in the Moldy Carpet Run (at least one team has 10 losses)

San Francisco (4-10)- 13

Detroit (5-9) - 34

Dallas (4-10)- 15

Buffalo (6-8)- 23

Pittsburgh (9-5)- 27

Baltimore (4-10)- 24

Cleveland (3-11)- 9

Kansas City (9-5)- 28

Tennessee (3-10)- 13

Houston (7-7)- 17

Chargers (3-11)- 20 

Oakland (6-8)- 23 

(OK this game already happened, but that's the score I would have guessed)

And the rest of the sorry pile (as Wacko likes to say)

Washington (7-7)- 35

Eagles (6-8)- 23

(OK, they already played this game too, but I would have guessed that score. Washington is going to find its way out of the basement for the next 5-10 years. Philadelphia probably will too but not with Chip),

Indianapolis (6-8)- 21

Miami (5-9)- 24

Chicago (5-9)- 10

Tampa Bay (6-8)- 30

New Orleans (5-9)- 36

Jacksonville (5-9)- 28

(This should be a great game, doormats or no.)

St. Louis (6-8)- 17

Seattle (9-5)- 14

(Upset in the Emerald City! But Hawks will go on to be in Super Bowl)

New York Giants (6-8)- 21

Minnesota (9-5)- 24

(I don't know if I can really believe the spinning bottle on this one. Giants are often gian killers.)

When the dust clears and the bottles are taken back to the store, we will have a clearer picture of who will be our Doormat champs in the NFC and AFC. It's getting down to the wire here, fans, and the wire is pretty low, so expect to see some teams get decapitated this week.

Doormat denizens, enjoy the fumble fest!

The Ten Hottest Girlfriends of Doormat NFL Players

Ha, that title got you to read this post. We don't want to be accused of fooling anyone, so here is one. Erin Heatherton, girlfriend of Doormat superstar Jordan Cameron of the Brownies:

Proving once again that women like guys for who they are, not how well they play.

But now for the serious Doormat news. It rained all day Monday and the sump pump broke and there is about half inch of water on the basement floor now, but I am wearing rubber shoes in case the computer shorts out as I type so I think I am OK.

Some top quality bad performances were seen in the NFL this week, and here are some of the lower lowlights of the week:

Passer Rating Leaders

Matt Cassel (DAL) 3/8, 37 yrds, 13 passer rating
Kellen Moore (DAL) 15/25, 158 yrds, 52.2 passer rating
TJ Yates (HOU) 6/10, 68 yrds, 40.8 passer rating (and they won)

Punting

Matt Darr (MIA), 8 punts, 40.9 yrds avg. (most punts in NFL this week)
Mike Scifres (SD) 3 punts, 31.3 yrds avg. (lowest avg. in NFL this week)
(By they way, MIA and SD played each other)
Bradley Pinion (SF) 7 punts, 40.7 yrds avg.
Pat McAffee, 7 punts, 38.1 yrds avg. (all stats considered, doormat punter of the week)

Net Pts (through 15 weeks)
NFC-SF, -137
AFC-CLE, -134
(If these guys play each other score could be -3 to 0)

I wish safeties were deleted points. That way a team could conceivably score negative points in a game. Wouldn't you love to see a score of Seahawks, 28, Browns, -4?

The funnel is narrowing with just two weeks to go in the NFL season and, though it is too early to make the call, it does look like the Doormat Bowl this year will be a fruitless exercise in futility between Cleveland and San Francisco.

Though teams at 5-9 are not mathematically eliminated, here is who Vegas considers still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet. Point differential would be the tie breaker (right Commish?), so not likely Cows or anybody else, if they tie with Whiners, will finish at the very bottom:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA              PD

Whiners      4-10          202 - 339       -137

Cows          4-10          246 - 324        -78

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA            PD

Browns      3-11          253 - 387        -134

Titanics      3-11          269 – 359       -90

Chargers    4-10          280 – 348       -68

Cravens      4-10         292 – 360       -68

Predictions for Week 16 coming tomorrow!

Updated Doormat Standings Week 15

Lions 35,  Saints 27

Well, the Lions are starting to not only rack up tons of points, but they are staying ahead.  Barely, but they look less Doormat-like every week.  Kitties fall out of first place in the Doormat NFC, and the Saints pull into tie with Bears and Lions in third.  Lions should get overconfident and almost blow next week's game against the Niners.  But not blow it enough.  Niners will nail down loss #11.  The pressure is on the Cowboys up in Buffalo.  I think it's going down to the last week.  Niners are way ahead in point differential, which is our tie breaker if there has been no head-to-head meeting (and there hasn't between the Cows and Whiners).

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA              PD

Whiners      4-10          202 - 339       -137

Cows          4-10          246 - 324        -78

Ain’ts         5-9           299 - 380        -74

Kittens        5-9           302 - 363         -61

daBares      5-9            289 – 352        -63

Lambs        6-8            241 – 294        -53

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA            PD

Browns      3-11          253 - 387        -134

Titanics      3-11          269 – 359       -90

Chargers    4-10          280 – 348       -68

Cravens      4-10         292 – 360       -68

Floppers     5-9           278 – 361       -83

Gaguars      5-9           343 – 380       -37

WEEK 15: ALMOST ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM

Bundle Up for the Basement!

It’s dark.  The only illumination, other than the amber glow of my Commodore64 CRT here in the broom closet, is the 80-year old 15 watt tungsten bulb, dangling on a single wire, hovering over yesterday’s Basement aftermath out in the rumpus room. I can hear the quiet rustling of the neighborly mice in the possum nest, over behind the rusty washing machine.  There is soft snoring, coming from the Basement regulars in their places of prominence, the Barcalounger and the sofa.  Bills, Lions…Browns.  Another year almost gone, and these three regulars, who seldom win the Moldy Carpet, who drink my horrible beer and knock over my stale chips, are the glue that keeps the faith, the ones that tell us that the losing tradition is the greater constant in sports, and we must give them their due, and rally their flag to the cause of underdogs and, well, the huddled masses that must endure completely inept ownerships that torture perfectly innocent cities for what seems like eternity. 

HEY WAKE UP!!!

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA              PD

Whiners      4-10          202 - 339       -137

Cows          4-10          246 - 324        -78

Kittens        4-9           267 - 336         -69

Ain’ts         5-8            299 - 380        -74

daBares      5-9            289 – 352        -63

Lambs        6-8            241 – 294        -53

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA            PD

Browns      3-11          253 - 387        -134

Titanics      3-11          269 – 359       -90

Chargers    4-10          280 – 348       -68

Cravens      4-10         292 – 360       -68

Floppers     5-9           278 – 361       -83

Gaguars      5-9           343 – 380       -37

THE BATTLE FOR THE AFC BASEMENT

TITANICS 16,  PATRIOTS 33

You know, some day the Pats will be bad again, and oh, that nickname…Patsies, Pat-the-Bunnies, Pasties….

But for now, the Titanics, our reigning AFC Doormat Champions, remained in a gridlock tie with the Cleveland Browns for first place in the AFC, removing all hope in the first quarter as QB Marcus Mariota sustained a strained knee. They instantly turned into the 49ers and hypnotized everything within a 100 mile radius. Yet another Mettenberger of a backup gets thrown to the wolves, or Minutemen, he coughs up a couple INTs, gets slammed to the turf 5 times, runs for his life the rest of the time, and the game is over by halftime (24-3). As usual, the Floaters outplayed their opponent in the 2^nd half, but that’s just a cover. The Titanics may not have the tradition that the Browns have, but it’s going down to the next two weeks, as the Sinking Ships gotta pull out two more losses (Texans and Colts) and hope the Browns run into a team that is coasting and get tagged with a W.  

BROWNS 13,  SEAHAWKS 30

The Blank Helmets have the opposite technique of the Titanics- stay with your opponent for the first half, and then outclass them in the second half, where the Brown-outs get in your rearview mirror and recede like a Mo-ped on the Autobahn. This didn’t work last week against the unstoppable 49ers, but the Brownies shook it off like men and took care of business yesterday. Next week they should lose handily to the Chiefs but the Steelers in the closer could be trouble just because the Browns, at home, tend to change armor and want to just kill the Steelers, and if they could be the Steeler’s spoiler, woo-hoo!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ERS  14,  BENGALS 24

It’s a toss-up between the Dolphins and the 49ers for Most Boring Team In Football. 8 punts? Check. 2-14 on 3^rd down? Check. Don’t score until game is safely out of reach? Check-a-rooni. Other teams may have more losses, but these guys are the hypnotists of Sunday Snooze. The difference is the Floppers have 5 wins to the Whiners 4. 

In yet another Duel of the Backups, 49er QB Blaine Gabbert won the contest over A.J. McCarron with an array of inaccurate flings, skittish pocket dancing, complete lack of run support, and, once again, amazingly well-timed penalties that nearly always negate the rare big gain (11 for 98).  And that 49er defense can make anybody look above average. The only blemish on this snooz-a-rama was the Whine and Cheesers won their first ‘challenge’ of the year, after being 0-6. It appears to be Coach Tomsula’s only bit of daring.

The two teams started off in a blaze of punts (7 in the first quarter), but, as always, the 49ers are hard to stay with, and eventually the Bengals figured out they can just play OK ball and they’re going to win.  The Niners were 0-12 on 3^rd down until their Futile Touchdown drive in the 4^th quarter.  

Niners remained tied with the Cows (Lions play tonight) and NEXT WEEK play the Lions in Detroit.  The Kitties may have the same record as the Whines, but they are not boring, and should absolutely shellac the Niners.  They should be able to apply 3 or 4 coats of the stuff, weather permitting.

DOLPHINS 14, CHARGERS 30

The Chars finally met their match yesterday.  The Dolphins put it in reverse first thing in the morning, and left it there all day. 8 punts, 13 first downs, 2-14 on 3^rd down, 21:00 of possession time. Chars still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and their only wins are against the Browns, Lions, Jags and Floppers.  On the other hand, when you see who they’ve beaten, you know they aren’t quite Moldy Carpet material. 

RAVENS 14, CHIEFS 34

Well, at least the Ravens sported the coolest looking uniforms yesterday. The ‘old gold’ pants looked classic. 3^rd string Raven QB Jimmy Clausen was in a pickle all day, and the Cheaps got TWO defensive TDs- a fumble return (73 yards) and a pick-six.  Game over.

Baltimore just goes for the blowouts now.  The close losses were exhausting. The Cravens reach 10 losses and are just one game off the pace in the Doormat AFC. 

JAGUARS 17, FALCONS 23        

The Falcons kept it close, but the Jags (5-9) need to lose 10 games, at least one more time, just for nostalgia’s sake. The spectre of winning their division was obviously way too much pressure.  Next year they can leave the Basement. The Failcons, though, end their losing streak at 6, and are back to .500, poster children of Parity. 

COLTS 10, TEXANS 16

Somebody needs to go over to Lucas Oil stadium today and wake up the fans, so they can go home. The Colts do their job- 6-8 with Miami and Tennessee looming.  They’re going to win one of those, maybe.  They don’t have an actual QB now. They can finish 7-9, though 6-10 looks way more likely.  It’s up to the Toxins (7-7) to lose next week, and keep the AFC South under .500.

BILLS 25, ‘SKINS 35

I refuse to talk about 6-8 teams, but the Bills are a special case.  Though they fell out of the 10 Loss Club last year, they still haven’t made the playoffs for 16 years, the longest current streak in the NFL, and aren’t going to make it this year.  They may never win the Moldy Carpet, but they have put down deep roots here in the Basement.  But next week, it’s the Cowboys coming to Buffalo, and I just don’t see the Cows getting a win stuck on their horns.  Bills will have to recover from that and then lose the finale to the Jets and accept 7-9 as a good enough losing season.

NFL WEEK 15 WORST STATS

Points:             13        Browns

First downs:     13       Dolphins

Total Yards:     231      Dolphins

Yards allowed: 493     Eagles

Turnovers:       4          Cowboys

Punts:              8           Dolphins, 49ers

3^rd down conv:  2-14   49ers, Dolphins

Penalties:          12/127    Broncos

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!