Lose or Go Home
As Walkfish has been deftly adding sexy cheerleader shots, I thought I would up my readership by including the most recent pic of the Cleveland Brown cheerleaders. It may be from 1962, but sure enough, that's the most recent. So, feast your eyes on the hot babes!
It's gotten to that point in the schedule- if you aren't at least 3-4 games under .500, we can't list you as being in the BASEMENT. You don't make the standings. We're down to 5 teams in each conference, each still with a shot at the Moldy Carpet.
In the NFC, we've got the Cowboys with a shot at taking over the undisputed lead if they can lose to the 'Skins tonight in D.C. Should be a wild one. If they win, it's a 5-way tie at 4-8.
In the AFC, the Cleveland Browns look pretty tough. I think they've given in and are dumpster diving at this point. With 4 games to go, next week is the tough one- the Niners at home. Game of the year, frankly.
DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 13
NFC
W-L PF-PA
Cows 3-8 204 - 261
Cows 3-8 204 - 261
Whiners 4-8 178 - 291
Lambs 4-8 189 - 257
Kittens 4-8 253 - 315
Ain’ts 4-8 299 - 380
Ain’ts 4-8 299 - 380
AFC
W-L PF-PA
Browns 2-10 216 - 347
Browns 2-10 216 - 347
Titanics 3-9 245 - 296
Chargers 3-9 247 - 324
Cravens 4-8 272 - 291
Gaguars 4-8 275 - 341
Gaguars 4-8 275 - 341
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
BROWNS 3, BENGALS 37
Though the Rams also turned in a near zero game, the Browns were the only team under .500 to get really plastered. After last week's wild last second loss, the Blank Helmets took care of business early in this one, and the home fans could concentrate on their beer and brats. The Brownies are the FIRST team to 10 losses, so the braggadocio going on between them and the Lions is only going to get louder.
LAMBS 3, CARDINALS 27
The Lambs brought home the stinker of the week, though. 9 first downs, 8 punts, 7 penalties for a whopping 103 yards, and almost under the magic twenty minutes of possession time (20:13). Not a single team has gotten under 20:00 this year. Now at 4-8, the Lambs have quietly moved down down down. But they get the Lions next week, then 2 games they should blow, and then the big one, the 49ers on the last game of the year, in Santa Clara.
49ERS 26, BEARS 20 (OT)
A serious snooze fest for most the game, the Bears and the Niners whipped up a thriller in the last 5 minutes of regulation, trading TDs, with Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert 'scampering' 44 yards for the tying TD with 1:42 left on the clock. The Bears then missed a near chip-shot field goal as time expired. Gabbert then unleashed a bomb to Torrey Smith in OT, and the Niners come away with an entirely improbable win. Winning a game AND punting 9 times is impressive. One should congratulate the Bears for making it possible.
note: without Gabbert's big run, the Whines get only 11 yards rushing for the game.
RRRAIDERS 20, CHIEFS 34
Staring playoff eligibility straight in the face, the Raiders blink- to the tune of 3 interceptions in the 4th quarter, skidding off the victory road, bouncing off a cheap guardrail and right over the cliff of defeat. Bill Musgrave, Oakland's offensive coordinator, has always been a man of few exciting ideas, and his team is augmenting this land of nod with drops, forced throws, and running lanes the width of 8-pound copy paper.
CHARGERS 3, BRONCOS 17
Broncos didn't do much, but the Chargers did a lot. A pick-six, two lost fumbles, deftly timed penalties, and 5-14 on 3rd down. Top that, you dope smokin' Mile-Highers.
JAGS 39, TITANS 42
6 touchdowns in the 4th quarter is really only possible when both teams have good quarterbacks and both teams have defenses that run out of gas in the second half. I love these Doormat slugfests. They may both be in the running for the Moldy Carpet now, but it's just possible that, next year, both these teams won't be hanging out in the Basement anymore, and they won't answer our texts. Titans have only won two games at home in the last two years, and both times it was the Jags.
RAVENS 13, DOLPHINS 15
Without a doubt the Stiff of the Week, with the added bonus of Matt "Lemme Lose This" Schaub under rump for the Cravens. Matt wasted no time, hucking a pick six in the second quarter (he tossed in another INT later). The rest of the game was a hail of punts, punctuated by trips to the concession stands and the beer line.
Miami wins with only 8 first downs. Best Win Without Really Trying for the whole year.
SAINTS 38, PANTHERS 41
I think the Saints could score 68 points, and still find a way to lose. They've lost 4 straight. Why not 4 more?
Nothing but big big games for the Moldy Carpet the next 4 weeks!
aaaaAAAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!
I note the Cleveland cheerleaders are cheering in an empty stadium.
ReplyDeletethere could be 20,000 people in that cave, and it'd look deserted.
DeleteWow. Gags/Titanics game was a crowd pleaser. Tennessee might be in the toilet right now, but if they build around Mariotta, they are going to kick some serious ass.
ReplyDeleteRaiders not ready for prime time. But they are the bad boys, so it's OK having them on the old orange couch.
Ravens, pew!
Yes, congrats to the Bears on making sure the Whiners win. I was just certain I was wrong to pick the Whiners, but they did it, and in a most improbable way. The great part was the Bears fans when they shanked the field goal at the end of the 4th quarter. They had that look of, "But, of course," on their faces. That last TD toss by Gabbert looked good. Do we have a Kurt Warner story emerging? Some guys get better when you think they are done.
I don't know, Gabbert is slow to read defenses. He is Mr. Checkdown. But, I was in Pescadero, at Duarte's Tavern down the coast. We ordered breakfast, and I hit the bar just in time to see the Niners throw a - yes- a naked screen to wide receiver standing dead still two yards behind the line of scrimmage, where he got clobbered like a punching bag. 1st quarter action. The regulars at the bar all blithely looked away from the screen and one of them said "perfect." It was a true Doormat moment.
DeleteHey, Lambs are second worst offense in NFL so they fired their offensive coordinator today. Only 189 points so far this year. That is gawdawfle. Wait a minute, Whiners have only scored 178. Hands down, the worst offense in the NFL and maybe of the last 5 years.
ReplyDeleteToo bad the Ain'ts lost that one. They may be in the basement, but nobody is more fun to watch than Drew Brees slinging bullets, bombs, and zepplins while everybody in New Orleans goes down field. I really don't care who wins, I just want to watch!
The Browns now have the biggest point differential, which took some doing to catch the Niners. Browns-Niners game is just mega-huge. Then the Lambs-Whine and Cheesers to finish the season. Could be for all the marbles.
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