ROOTIN', TOOTIN', FOOT SHOOTIN'!!!!
DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 14
NFC
W-L PF-PA PD
Whiners 4-9 188 - 315 -127
Cows 4-9 230 - 305 -75
Kittens 4-9 267 - 336 -69
Ain’ts 5-8 299 - 380 -74
Lambs 5-8 210 - 271 -61
Ain’ts 5-8 299 - 380 -74
Lambs 5-8 210 - 271 -61
AFC
W-L PF-PA PD
Browns 3-10 240 -357 -117
Chargers 3-10 250 -334 -84
Browns 3-10 240 -357 -117
Chargers 3-10 250 -334 -84
Titanics 3-10 253 - 326 -73
Cravens 4-9 278 - 326 -48
Gaguars 5-8 326 - 357 -31
MASTERPIECE OF THE WEEK
49ERS 10, BROWNS 24
The build-up to this game was so intense, that local radio sports talk in SF had to admit they were contractually obligated to talk about the game. Thinking that the Browns and the Whiners would both play a desultory trash can of a game that no-one but the most masochistic of football fans would watch, the 49ers shocked the talking heads with a Doormat masterpiece- getting blown off the field by a fellow Doormat. The rootin'-tootin'-foot-shootinest team west of the Pecos (and north of San Diego) came into Cleveland on a mission.
The Blank Helmets tried to hang with the Niners, getting a blocked field goal on their first possession (3rd blocked FG in the last 5 tries), and fumbling it away on the third possession- but it was impossible to maintain it. The Niners had the Bonehead Forest all to themselves.
Serving up a hot steaming pile of hope for the city of Cleveland yesterday, the Niners graciously avoided pressuring Cleveland QB Johnny Manziel- who had numerous plays where he stood flat-footed in the backfield, just chewing gum and looking around like he had all the time in the world...because he did. Manziel looks great when he plays against a defense that isn't actually there. The worst red zone team in the league converted 3 out of 4 times yesterday, as if it was intentional. There were receivers so wide open, Manziel didn't even see them half the time. Three times I saw guys running down the left sideline with nobody within 20 yards of them. Johnny must of thought that was someone wandering off the sidelines. Hit yourself again with the tablet, Johnny!!
The Browns gained 481 yards, ripped off 5 gains of over 19 yards in the first quarter alone, piled up 230 yards rushing (they average a league worst 64), had 28 first downs (which looks like a typo), and despite turning the ball over twice and still getting in a blocked field goal, looked like a...football team.
And who made this possible? The Niners! Is this rock bottom? It was pretty special, but Niners are miners, and though they've hit a vein, they'll keep digging for more gold, if I know this bunch. The Moldy Carpet could come home to San Fra- Santa Clara.
The team cited overconfidence- "Yep we worked on that all week. By the time the game started, everybody was pretty relaxed and ready to take a step back from whatever effort we put out last week" said a source close to the huddle that spoke with the Doormat division on condition of anonymity while wearing #53.
The Whines did more than take a step back. They took so many backward steps that the Cleveland defense held a Brownie Bake Sale in the 49er backfield.
Niner QB Blaine Gabbert hit the dirt 9 times. After Sack #9, Gabbert's line was like this: 27 dropbacks, 17 hits, 12 hurries and 9 sacks for 7 first downs and 91 TOTAL yards for the entire team. Sadly, the inevitable garbage time TD, when the Browns started playing the cheerleading squad from 1962, skewed the numbers. Man I hate that.
The 49ers even nullified a safety with a face mask penalty. Manziel made up for this with his interception-tablet bonking sequence, but to no avail. The Niners were doing so much nothing that when they had the ball, the Browns crowd was completely silent. You could hear the PA announcer echoing around the stadium and, I kid you not, the hot dog vendors in the stands being picked up by the field mics on the sidelines. You could hear guys talking in the huddle. I haven't heard a stadium that quiet since visiting Candelstick park this spring when the wrecking ball took a break, and it was just the breeze off the bay and a few sea gulls sniffing hot dog wrappers that once blew in Joe Montana's face. Not that I'm bitter. How can I be? My team is in FIRST PLACE.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE:
COWS 7, PACKERS 28
Dallas (4-9) kept pace with the Niners, though, snoring their way through another classic back-up QB check-down parade of passes the don't quite make it to a first down. Dez Bryant caught a pass. One. How's that working for your fantasy football, now? Cows still only 2 games out of first in the NFC Least (6-7 leads the division). Chew on that, Roger Goodell. Put it back in the fridge, wait a day, and then chew on it some more.
LIONS 14, RAMS 21
In our other giant Doormat matchup, the Kittens (4-9) do more nothing than the Lambs, and stay tied with the Niners for first in the NFC. After a stiff of a first quarter, the Lions cut loose and handed the Lambs a pick-six in the 2nd. It was the difference. Kittens stay tied for first in the NFC. The Lambs plummet out of the 5-way tie and have their work cut out for them for the last 3 weeks if they want to sneak into the Doormat Championship game. They have a short week for Thursday Night Doormat with the Bucs, and then finish up with Seattle and the impossible 49ers. Good luck with that.
RRRAIDERS 15, BRONCOS 12
Looks like 9 field goals, doesn't it? It's not! 2 touchdowns with a failed 2 point conversion and a safety! I only mention this game because the RRRRaiders got a whopping 8 first downs and only 126 total yards...and won the game. Unfortunately I slept through this entire masterpiece, with the droning announcer's voices shaping my dreams in surreal prisms of swashbuckling pirates and wild ponies.
The Rrrraiders had -12 yards of offense at halftime. 10 total punts. The Broncos went 4-18 on third down. It's not the low conversion rate, it's that there were EIGHTEEN third downs in the first place. That's Dinkytown football.
JAGS 51, COLTS 16
Never in the history of the Doormat Division has a Basement regular scored over 50 points. Not once. The entire first half was field goals and two fumble returns for TDs (one for each team). Looked like a classic classic Doormat tilt shaping up. And then..whazza? The Jaguars explode for 42 points in the second half, with Indy back QB (and Doormat All-Star) Charlie Whitehurst getting the ball back to the Jags with snappy efficiency.
The entire AFC South now has a losing record. Woo-Hoo!
TITANS 8, JETS 30
Titans (3-10) move into a tie with the Brownies, getting absolutely shellacked by the Jets.
Browns are in trouble. But the Blanks won yesterday, so- Doormats don't win 2 in a row.
TOXINS 6, PATS 27
The Houston Texans (6-7) seem to be getting their mojo back, losing two straight. They could still make it to 10 losses if they just can string together more games like this.
CHARGERS 3, CHIEFS 10
The Chars (3-10), the no-respect Doormat team of the year, also hit the magic 10 with 3 games left, and do it with a game so boring that Alex Smith threw an interception just to see if anybody was watching. That's Smith's first interception since the Harding administration. It's funny, for years I've been saying this Charger ownership is trying to engineer a Doormat team, but they kept not getting it right, and I'll admit that this year I gave up on them. I was wrong. I'll never overlook the Chars again.
Both teams played the "move the ball between the 35 yard-lines" game and one touchdown was gonna take it. The Chars deferred, the Cheaps (8-5) hit paydirt in the 2nd quarter, and they can still pretend they are a playoff team. Make believe is a happy place. Don't listen to the people that tell you to snap out of it. They just don't have any imaginations, and are jealous.
HONORABLE MENTION
FALCONS 0, PANTHERS 38
Remember when the Failcons were 5-0? Pretty hard, huh? 1-7 in their last 8 games, the Fails played a few close ones, and now just went for the gold yesterday, turning in one of the few shut-outs of the 2015 season. I think they can close out with 3 more losses (if you can lose to the Niners, which they did, you can do anything) and make it to 10 losses. Man, what a slide!
NFL WEEK 15 WORST STATS
Points: 0 Falcons
First Downs: 8 Rrraiders
Total Yards: 126 Rrrraiders (and they WON)
Yards allowed: 481 Niners
Turnovers: 4 Falcons
Punts: 10 Rrrraiders
Sacked 9 Niners
Penalties: 15/101 Bills
aaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!
Gaguars 5-8 326 - 357 -31
MASTERPIECE OF THE WEEK
49ERS 10, BROWNS 24
The build-up to this game was so intense, that local radio sports talk in SF had to admit they were contractually obligated to talk about the game. Thinking that the Browns and the Whiners would both play a desultory trash can of a game that no-one but the most masochistic of football fans would watch, the 49ers shocked the talking heads with a Doormat masterpiece- getting blown off the field by a fellow Doormat. The rootin'-tootin'-foot-shootinest team west of the Pecos (and north of San Diego) came into Cleveland on a mission.
The Blank Helmets tried to hang with the Niners, getting a blocked field goal on their first possession (3rd blocked FG in the last 5 tries), and fumbling it away on the third possession- but it was impossible to maintain it. The Niners had the Bonehead Forest all to themselves.
Serving up a hot steaming pile of hope for the city of Cleveland yesterday, the Niners graciously avoided pressuring Cleveland QB Johnny Manziel- who had numerous plays where he stood flat-footed in the backfield, just chewing gum and looking around like he had all the time in the world...because he did. Manziel looks great when he plays against a defense that isn't actually there. The worst red zone team in the league converted 3 out of 4 times yesterday, as if it was intentional. There were receivers so wide open, Manziel didn't even see them half the time. Three times I saw guys running down the left sideline with nobody within 20 yards of them. Johnny must of thought that was someone wandering off the sidelines. Hit yourself again with the tablet, Johnny!!
The Browns gained 481 yards, ripped off 5 gains of over 19 yards in the first quarter alone, piled up 230 yards rushing (they average a league worst 64), had 28 first downs (which looks like a typo), and despite turning the ball over twice and still getting in a blocked field goal, looked like a...football team.
And who made this possible? The Niners! Is this rock bottom? It was pretty special, but Niners are miners, and though they've hit a vein, they'll keep digging for more gold, if I know this bunch. The Moldy Carpet could come home to San Fra- Santa Clara.
The team cited overconfidence- "Yep we worked on that all week. By the time the game started, everybody was pretty relaxed and ready to take a step back from whatever effort we put out last week" said a source close to the huddle that spoke with the Doormat division on condition of anonymity while wearing #53.
The Whines did more than take a step back. They took so many backward steps that the Cleveland defense held a Brownie Bake Sale in the 49er backfield.
Niner QB Blaine Gabbert hit the dirt 9 times. After Sack #9, Gabbert's line was like this: 27 dropbacks, 17 hits, 12 hurries and 9 sacks for 7 first downs and 91 TOTAL yards for the entire team. Sadly, the inevitable garbage time TD, when the Browns started playing the cheerleading squad from 1962, skewed the numbers. Man I hate that.
The 49ers even nullified a safety with a face mask penalty. Manziel made up for this with his interception-tablet bonking sequence, but to no avail. The Niners were doing so much nothing that when they had the ball, the Browns crowd was completely silent. You could hear the PA announcer echoing around the stadium and, I kid you not, the hot dog vendors in the stands being picked up by the field mics on the sidelines. You could hear guys talking in the huddle. I haven't heard a stadium that quiet since visiting Candelstick park this spring when the wrecking ball took a break, and it was just the breeze off the bay and a few sea gulls sniffing hot dog wrappers that once blew in Joe Montana's face. Not that I'm bitter. How can I be? My team is in FIRST PLACE.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE:
COWS 7, PACKERS 28
Dallas (4-9) kept pace with the Niners, though, snoring their way through another classic back-up QB check-down parade of passes the don't quite make it to a first down. Dez Bryant caught a pass. One. How's that working for your fantasy football, now? Cows still only 2 games out of first in the NFC Least (6-7 leads the division). Chew on that, Roger Goodell. Put it back in the fridge, wait a day, and then chew on it some more.
LIONS 14, RAMS 21
In our other giant Doormat matchup, the Kittens (4-9) do more nothing than the Lambs, and stay tied with the Niners for first in the NFC. After a stiff of a first quarter, the Lions cut loose and handed the Lambs a pick-six in the 2nd. It was the difference. Kittens stay tied for first in the NFC. The Lambs plummet out of the 5-way tie and have their work cut out for them for the last 3 weeks if they want to sneak into the Doormat Championship game. They have a short week for Thursday Night Doormat with the Bucs, and then finish up with Seattle and the impossible 49ers. Good luck with that.
RRRAIDERS 15, BRONCOS 12
Looks like 9 field goals, doesn't it? It's not! 2 touchdowns with a failed 2 point conversion and a safety! I only mention this game because the RRRRaiders got a whopping 8 first downs and only 126 total yards...and won the game. Unfortunately I slept through this entire masterpiece, with the droning announcer's voices shaping my dreams in surreal prisms of swashbuckling pirates and wild ponies.
The Rrrraiders had -12 yards of offense at halftime. 10 total punts. The Broncos went 4-18 on third down. It's not the low conversion rate, it's that there were EIGHTEEN third downs in the first place. That's Dinkytown football.
JAGS 51, COLTS 16
Never in the history of the Doormat Division has a Basement regular scored over 50 points. Not once. The entire first half was field goals and two fumble returns for TDs (one for each team). Looked like a classic classic Doormat tilt shaping up. And then..whazza? The Jaguars explode for 42 points in the second half, with Indy back QB (and Doormat All-Star) Charlie Whitehurst getting the ball back to the Jags with snappy efficiency.
The entire AFC South now has a losing record. Woo-Hoo!
TITANS 8, JETS 30
Titans (3-10) move into a tie with the Brownies, getting absolutely shellacked by the Jets.
Browns are in trouble. But the Blanks won yesterday, so- Doormats don't win 2 in a row.
TOXINS 6, PATS 27
The Houston Texans (6-7) seem to be getting their mojo back, losing two straight. They could still make it to 10 losses if they just can string together more games like this.
CHARGERS 3, CHIEFS 10
The Chars (3-10), the no-respect Doormat team of the year, also hit the magic 10 with 3 games left, and do it with a game so boring that Alex Smith threw an interception just to see if anybody was watching. That's Smith's first interception since the Harding administration. It's funny, for years I've been saying this Charger ownership is trying to engineer a Doormat team, but they kept not getting it right, and I'll admit that this year I gave up on them. I was wrong. I'll never overlook the Chars again.
Both teams played the "move the ball between the 35 yard-lines" game and one touchdown was gonna take it. The Chars deferred, the Cheaps (8-5) hit paydirt in the 2nd quarter, and they can still pretend they are a playoff team. Make believe is a happy place. Don't listen to the people that tell you to snap out of it. They just don't have any imaginations, and are jealous.
HONORABLE MENTION
FALCONS 0, PANTHERS 38
Remember when the Failcons were 5-0? Pretty hard, huh? 1-7 in their last 8 games, the Fails played a few close ones, and now just went for the gold yesterday, turning in one of the few shut-outs of the 2015 season. I think they can close out with 3 more losses (if you can lose to the Niners, which they did, you can do anything) and make it to 10 losses. Man, what a slide!
NFL WEEK 15 WORST STATS
Points: 0 Falcons
First Downs: 8 Rrraiders
Total Yards: 126 Rrrraiders (and they WON)
Yards allowed: 481 Niners
Turnovers: 4 Falcons
Punts: 10 Rrrraiders
Sacked 9 Niners
Penalties: 15/101 Bills
aaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!
I couldn’t believe raiders won. negative yards on offense for the 1st half.
ReplyDeleteStatistically they were worse than the Niners. !!!
DeleteBut the logo ain't no worse no how. Wow, where did that come from?
DeleteThe Niners had that in the late 50's-60's.
DeleteFirst class summaries there, Wacko. Gotta love those Rrrraiders! While it will be an AFC South team that is the official Doormat playoff team, the Chiefs will definitely be a Faux-off Team this year. If they manage to win the Division their first game might be the Steelers. Hold onto your brats, bros. That game will be an epic blowout. However, hope I am wrong. Would love to see the Chiefs go deep in the playoffs.
ReplyDeleteToxins are returning to their losing form.
Jags game made no sense. But Colts games have been like that all year.
And ever since the Lions fell to the Pack on the last second Hail Mary, they are back in reverse. Look for them to lose-out. Packers will make the NFC Championship game and people will see that Rodgers pass as the moment that turned the season around. Decades from now, Cheese heads will call it, "The Pass" but Detroit fans will hardly remember it because there are just too many losing moments like that to keep them straight. Word has it depressed Lions fans flipped over police cars and set them on fire after the game. In 1984 they did the same thing when the Tigers won the Series. Guess that's what you do when you are in Detroit.
Detroit has police cars?
DeleteAs for the NFC, it's an incredible Doormat tie for first in the East (Least). I know it's impossible, but wouldn't you love it if teams from both the NFC and AFC win divisions with losing records and then go on an improbable tear and win the conference? A Super Bowl with two teams with losing records. Giants could actually do that. Colts, Toxins or Jags? No way. Jags maybe next year....
ReplyDeleteA man's gotta dream...
Deletedream a little dream for me .
Deleteall this day dreaming has got me late for work!