WEEK 15: ALMOST ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM

Bundle Up for the Basement!

It’s dark.  The only illumination, other than the amber glow of my Commodore64 CRT here in the broom closet, is the 80-year old 15 watt tungsten bulb, dangling on a single wire, hovering over yesterday’s Basement aftermath out in the rumpus room. I can hear the quiet rustling of the neighborly mice in the possum nest, over behind the rusty washing machine.  There is soft snoring, coming from the Basement regulars in their places of prominence, the Barcalounger and the sofa.  Bills, Lions…Browns.  Another year almost gone, and these three regulars, who seldom win the Moldy Carpet, who drink my horrible beer and knock over my stale chips, are the glue that keeps the faith, the ones that tell us that the losing tradition is the greater constant in sports, and we must give them their due, and rally their flag to the cause of underdogs and, well, the huddled masses that must endure completely inept ownerships that torture perfectly innocent cities for what seems like eternity. 

HEY WAKE UP!!!

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA              PD

Whiners      4-10          202 - 339       -137

Cows          4-10          246 - 324        -78

Kittens        4-9           267 - 336         -69

Ain’ts         5-8            299 - 380        -74

daBares      5-9            289 – 352        -63

Lambs        6-8            241 – 294        -53

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA            PD

Browns      3-11          253 - 387        -134

Titanics      3-11          269 – 359       -90

Chargers    4-10          280 – 348       -68

Cravens      4-10         292 – 360       -68

Floppers     5-9           278 – 361       -83

Gaguars      5-9           343 – 380       -37

THE BATTLE FOR THE AFC BASEMENT

TITANICS 16,  PATRIOTS 33

You know, some day the Pats will be bad again, and oh, that nickname…Patsies, Pat-the-Bunnies, Pasties….

But for now, the Titanics, our reigning AFC Doormat Champions, remained in a gridlock tie with the Cleveland Browns for first place in the AFC, removing all hope in the first quarter as QB Marcus Mariota sustained a strained knee. They instantly turned into the 49ers and hypnotized everything within a 100 mile radius. Yet another Mettenberger of a backup gets thrown to the wolves, or Minutemen, he coughs up a couple INTs, gets slammed to the turf 5 times, runs for his life the rest of the time, and the game is over by halftime (24-3). As usual, the Floaters outplayed their opponent in the 2^nd half, but that’s just a cover. The Titanics may not have the tradition that the Browns have, but it’s going down to the next two weeks, as the Sinking Ships gotta pull out two more losses (Texans and Colts) and hope the Browns run into a team that is coasting and get tagged with a W.  

BROWNS 13,  SEAHAWKS 30

The Blank Helmets have the opposite technique of the Titanics- stay with your opponent for the first half, and then outclass them in the second half, where the Brown-outs get in your rearview mirror and recede like a Mo-ped on the Autobahn. This didn’t work last week against the unstoppable 49ers, but the Brownies shook it off like men and took care of business yesterday. Next week they should lose handily to the Chiefs but the Steelers in the closer could be trouble just because the Browns, at home, tend to change armor and want to just kill the Steelers, and if they could be the Steeler’s spoiler, woo-hoo!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ERS  14,  BENGALS 24

It’s a toss-up between the Dolphins and the 49ers for Most Boring Team In Football. 8 punts? Check. 2-14 on 3^rd down? Check. Don’t score until game is safely out of reach? Check-a-rooni. Other teams may have more losses, but these guys are the hypnotists of Sunday Snooze. The difference is the Floppers have 5 wins to the Whiners 4. 

In yet another Duel of the Backups, 49er QB Blaine Gabbert won the contest over A.J. McCarron with an array of inaccurate flings, skittish pocket dancing, complete lack of run support, and, once again, amazingly well-timed penalties that nearly always negate the rare big gain (11 for 98).  And that 49er defense can make anybody look above average. The only blemish on this snooz-a-rama was the Whine and Cheesers won their first ‘challenge’ of the year, after being 0-6. It appears to be Coach Tomsula’s only bit of daring.

The two teams started off in a blaze of punts (7 in the first quarter), but, as always, the 49ers are hard to stay with, and eventually the Bengals figured out they can just play OK ball and they’re going to win.  The Niners were 0-12 on 3^rd down until their Futile Touchdown drive in the 4^th quarter.  

Niners remained tied with the Cows (Lions play tonight) and NEXT WEEK play the Lions in Detroit.  The Kitties may have the same record as the Whines, but they are not boring, and should absolutely shellac the Niners.  They should be able to apply 3 or 4 coats of the stuff, weather permitting.

DOLPHINS 14, CHARGERS 30

The Chars finally met their match yesterday.  The Dolphins put it in reverse first thing in the morning, and left it there all day. 8 punts, 13 first downs, 2-14 on 3^rd down, 21:00 of possession time. Chars still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and their only wins are against the Browns, Lions, Jags and Floppers.  On the other hand, when you see who they’ve beaten, you know they aren’t quite Moldy Carpet material. 

RAVENS 14, CHIEFS 34

Well, at least the Ravens sported the coolest looking uniforms yesterday. The ‘old gold’ pants looked classic. 3^rd string Raven QB Jimmy Clausen was in a pickle all day, and the Cheaps got TWO defensive TDs- a fumble return (73 yards) and a pick-six.  Game over.

Baltimore just goes for the blowouts now.  The close losses were exhausting. The Cravens reach 10 losses and are just one game off the pace in the Doormat AFC. 

JAGUARS 17, FALCONS 23        

The Falcons kept it close, but the Jags (5-9) need to lose 10 games, at least one more time, just for nostalgia’s sake. The spectre of winning their division was obviously way too much pressure.  Next year they can leave the Basement. The Failcons, though, end their losing streak at 6, and are back to .500, poster children of Parity. 

COLTS 10, TEXANS 16

Somebody needs to go over to Lucas Oil stadium today and wake up the fans, so they can go home. The Colts do their job- 6-8 with Miami and Tennessee looming.  They’re going to win one of those, maybe.  They don’t have an actual QB now. They can finish 7-9, though 6-10 looks way more likely.  It’s up to the Toxins (7-7) to lose next week, and keep the AFC South under .500.

BILLS 25, ‘SKINS 35

I refuse to talk about 6-8 teams, but the Bills are a special case.  Though they fell out of the 10 Loss Club last year, they still haven’t made the playoffs for 16 years, the longest current streak in the NFL, and aren’t going to make it this year.  They may never win the Moldy Carpet, but they have put down deep roots here in the Basement.  But next week, it’s the Cowboys coming to Buffalo, and I just don’t see the Cows getting a win stuck on their horns.  Bills will have to recover from that and then lose the finale to the Jets and accept 7-9 as a good enough losing season.

NFL WEEK 15 WORST STATS

Points:             13        Browns

First downs:     13       Dolphins

Total Yards:     231      Dolphins

Yards allowed: 493     Eagles

Turnovers:       4          Cowboys

Punts:              8           Dolphins, 49ers

3^rd down conv:  2-14   49ers, Dolphins

Penalties:          12/127    Broncos

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!