WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

MASTERS OF DISASTER- The Pick-Six Gods

MASTERS OF DISASTER

or "Just Throw it Up There, Someone Will Score"

  

What do Blake Bortles, Brett Favre, Matt Schaub and the Manning brothers have in common?  They all make a great tuna mac.  No, wait:  They've all shown savvy ability to throw the Pick-Six. 

Ah, the Pick-six:  the most efficient Doormat play an offense can run. Less risky than allowing a punt return for a TD (too much can go wrong). Often overlooked in a quarterback's statistics, here at the Doormat Division we take this tally with all due seriousity.

Brett Favre, dangerously confident hero of the frozen north, is the all-time pick-six leader with a seemingly insurmountable 31- 186 magnificent points for the other team. However, Brett, our NFL interceptions leader at 336, took 19 seasons to get those lofty totals.  

Over in Jacksonville, though, Jaguar Blake Bortles (who inspired this article), has been in the league only 3 years, and already has 11. Should he bamboozle someone into letting him start for 6 more years, he'll have 33 in only 9 seasons. Now that's working it. Blake has thrown 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games. He's on fire. I'll bet Charles Woodson wants to come out of retirement for whoever is playing the Jags next- he's only 1 pick-six score behind Rod Woodson, the career leader with 12 (this stat is not helping us keep straight which Woodson is which). 

If Bortles keeps this up, he gets to grab a clipboard and be a back-up for the rest of his career, like the illustrious Matt Schaub.  

For one season,  Peyton Manning has the record with 6 (2001) before he stopped trying to squeeze passes through 4 defenders. After that, it was only 3. 

Tied with Peyton is, of course, the Chicago Bear's Rudy Bukich in 1966. But you knew that. Rudy, a 12 year back-up, got handed the job with the Bears in '65, beating out the gassed Billy Wade, who was two years Bukich's senior at 35. Both of them came up with the Rams, with Wade a #1 pick. The Bears went 9-5, but Bukich was mostly handing the ball to Gale Sayers.  The next year, though, Rudy got his chance- 21 interceptions against 10 TDs. Sadly, no pick-six data for that year.  

For one game, it's Peyton's long-bomb brother Eli (and slew of others) with 3.

For one QUARTER, it's the legendary Ed Baker (3). Baker's moment of glory was his only start for the Houston Oilers in 1972. He went 4 for 10, with four interceptions, so he spread it around, however telegraphed they may have been. He was a Doormat machine. It is notable that the Oilers won the Moldy Carpet that year, going 1-13.

Most consecutive games with a Pick-Six:  4, Matt Schaub, 2013 (Houston Texans). Seems like only 100 years ago when Schaub was considered one of the best in the league and went to the Pro Bowl twice (amassing a whopping -9 yards at Aloha Stadium, showcasing his 2012 talents admirably).  Then the wheels came off: in 2013 Schaub threw 14 interceptions to a measly 10 touchdowns, and ran off the 4 straight games with a pick-six, thus ending his career as a starter (giving way to budding Doormat pro Case Keenum). With his Pick-Six reputation at it's most shining, Matt landed the back-up job with the still-struggling Oakland Raiders in 2014, leading to perhaps his greatest Doormat moment, in the infamous game vs. the St. Louis Rams.  Entering the game at a Doormat Division leading 1-11, the Raiders hit rock bottom in this one, somehow ultimately losing 52-0.  It was the second worst defeat worst game in Raiders history, though possibly the worst game.  [Read our inspired wrap-up:  http://doormatdivision.blogspot.com/2014/12/doormat-week-13-raiders-take-charge.html  ]

Raider rookie Derek Carr was getting shellacked, and, throwing in the towel, interim coach Tony Sparano (who had replaced Dennis Allen in game 5) told Schaub to put on a helmet and do something.

Wasting no time, Schaub responded by throwing his first pass for a pick six. When you aren't getting many opportunities any more, you gotta pad your stats.  Throwing only 9 passes, Matt also fit in 3 sacks and 2 fumbles.  The Silver and Blacked out finished the season 4-12- ironically being beaten out for the Moldy Carpet by the Houston Texans, who went 2-14.  

Schaub is now plying his clipboard trade for the Atlanta Falcons, the team that originally drafted him.  Falcon fans pray every morning, over their beer and cornflakes, that Matt Ryan plays every single down.  

The Pick Six: a chance at immortality for the man willing to take chances.

-wacko

WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC

Browns Don't Lose

Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously

That's Not My Hedgehog

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7
Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7
New Orleans    5-7

Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

DOORMAT WEEK SEVEN WRAP-UP AND INCINERATE

HUGE RE-SHUFFLE!

I have to make this brief this week, there’s a lot to do, and the police should be pulling up shortly and I’d better-  I mean, I have to go to ‘work.’  But we have the space heater keeping us warm for now, one tiny short away from burning down the whole rotting structure, and leaving just the sliding door standing, dog slobber and all. 

In our beloved Doormat Division, where losing is the name of the game, and your own personal football hell turns into hallelujah, there was a bold move in the AFC: the Titanics put on a tombstone of a performance this week, losing 10-7 to Atlanta, and rise to the top of the standings, tied with the Poe-Cravens. 

Here’s the standings, and let’s get to the games.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Kittens        1-6           139 - 200

Whiners      2-5           103 – 180

Bootineers   2-4           140 - 179

daBares       2-4           120 - 179

Deadskins   3-4           148 – 168

Seahags       3-4          154 - 128

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      1-5            119 - 139

Cravens      1-5            143 – 162

Toxins        2-5            154 - 199

Gaguars      2-5            147 - 207

Cheaps        2-5           150 - 172

Chargettes   2-5           165 – 198

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 7, FALCONS 10

With Titanic QB Marcus Mariotta on the bench with 17 injuries after 6-game mugging, dustbin QB Zach Mettenberg comes in and directs a complete snooze-fest.  The Falcons responded with their own freeze job, but have no fear- Mettenberg whipped out the killer late interception with 1:31 to seal the loss.   Titanics take over first place in the AFC. 

BILLS  31,  JAGS 34 (in LONDON)

Better watch out.  The Nils are up to their usual tricks- play a few good games early in the season, and then another memorable slide into frigid Lake Erie.

The Gags, playing in their annual DOORMAT DISASTER in London, could not put the Bills away. Inexplicably up 27-13 enterting the 4^th quarter, the Jags engineer 18 straight Buffalo points, combining a long pass play with a pick six in rapid succession, losing the lead with just 5:21 to go.  But it was not to be- the Nils responded by going out for tea, and Jag QB Blake Bortles throws a winning TD pass to shock the 84,000 fans who vaguely had an idea of what might be happening on the field, should they look up from their smartphones which had the match of the day on. 

LIONS 19, VIKINGS 28

Up 17-15 at halftime, the Kittens stopped fooling around, dug a big whole in the cat box and laid down a stinker- 1 first down in the second half, the Vikes nab 6 sacks, Kitties stack up 6 three and outs...  Peee-yuuuuuuuu.  Lions 1-6 and look unstoppable, at least until Dec. 27^th, when they travel to ‘San Francisco’ to have the huge Doormat tilt with the Santa Clara Niners. Be there.

RAIDERS 37, CHARGERS 29

Wait, WHAT?  The Raiders scored on their first 7 possessions, which hasn’t happened since Al Davis was alive, had a pompadour that included hair, and John Madden could still eat Mexican food.  WR Amari Cooper is…holy God…exciting.  We’re going out on a limb here, but the Raiders could wind up with a winning record.  They have a long way to go, as in at least 8 wins, but these guys just might be leaving the basement for real. (They still racked up 14 penalties, so don’t get TOO excited.)

The Chargettes, on the other hand, sure can pile up the points while they pile up the losses (non-wins).  

BROWNS 6, RAMS 24

It was no contest.  With a phenomenal 4 lost fumbles, the Blank Helmets couldn’t have played any browner.  Johnny Manzel got some mop-up duty in the 4^th when Browns QB Josh McCown left favoring the bench.  I mean, his right arm.  

BUCCANEERS 30, WASHINGTON FATS  31

Up 24-0 in the first half, the Bootineers did what all true losing teams do in those situations- relax, baby!  Here, take the ball, score score score! We’re done!  Enoy! 

Suddenly caught in an avalanche of points they couldn’t stop, the ‘Skins/Fats pulled up dangerously close to the lead, 24-21, entering the 4^th quarter. 

But there they anchored, and then it was a vicious field goal freeze out, back and forth, but then- the ‘Skins/Fats are just NO match for the Bucs in the end- the Bucs secondary drops so far back in prevent defense for the final drive that they were getting phone numbers from the Redskin cheerleaders (the Squaws?) at the back of the end zone.  Fats QB “Fats” Cousins has no choice but to throw to a wide open WR "Fats" Reed in the end zone and finish the job with :24 seconds left.  A real Doormat battle to the finish.  Go Boots!! 

TEXANS 26, DOPLHINS 44

Geez.  Fire your coach and start scoring a billion points.  It helps when you play a team that gave up last week on their season.  Down in the dumpy-wumps and crying in their beer, the Texans roll out a bomb for the ages, trailing 41-0 at halftime.  The entire 2^nd half was garbage time.  KLUNK!!

STEELERS 13, CHIEFS 23

Two teams without a QB, but one with the ability to give up the ball, three of them- the Reelers get back to losing, and the Cheaps lose ground in the AFC hunt.

COLTS 21, SAINTS 27

Not sure how you total 48 points AND punt 20 times (ten each) but that has to be some kind of record.  Saints exiting basement, Colts hanging out on chilly patio looking longingly in through sliding glass door at the orange couch with all the duct tape on it.  Lose two more, guys, OK? 

NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

 Points:         3               Niners

First Downs:  8               Niners

Punts:           10              Saints and Colts- same game!  20 total.

Total Yards: 142            Niners

Passing:       81              Niners

Rushing:       50              Washington Fats

Penalties:     14/136         Raiders

3^rd down eff:  1-11          Niners

Yards allowed:  503         Texans

Turnovers :     4             Bills (2int/2fum),  Browns (0/4), Cowboys (2/2)

aaaAAAAAAnd That the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!