WEEK ELEVEN BLOW OUT BLOW UP BLOW IT

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 11

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA
Whiners      3-7           139 - 252

Kittens        3-7           185 - 274

Cowboys    3-7            190 - 228

daBares       4-6           214 - 251

Deadskins   4-6           221 - 253

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Titanics      2-8            182 - 233

Chargers     2-8           213 - 282

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-6            205 - 249

Gaguars      4-6            211 – 268

THE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL

What’s it say about your league when the Deadskins are only one game out of the Moldy Carpet chase and yet are simultaneously solidly in the NFC playoff hunt?* There are FIVE teams in the NFC at 4-6, and all of them have a shot at making the playoffs.  Over in the AFC, it’s even more dramatic, as 5-5 gets you the wildcard right now.  This means if you are 3-7, you can still dream of Moldy Carpet glory and a Parity Division entry into the NFL Playoffs, where you could even BEAT somebody with a losing record.  The NFC East and AFC South have the chance to wind up with a champion with a losing record. Woo-Hoo!

* What it says is that the Doormat Division is taking over the NFL, and they really should do things our way now. 

And speaking of doing things our way….

BENGALS 31, CARDINALS 34

Sure it was close.  Sure it was a last second loss to another division leader.  Sure.  Do you think the fans in Cincinnati are listening to that?  This is the team that went 22 years without two years in a row with a winning record.  After last week’s total stumble against the Toxins (who, actually, look like they’ve had enough of being a really crummy team, thank you), the Bungles rack up another loss, this one far more galling, and, after interviewing a few Bungle fans, believe me, they wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t win another game all season.  Bungles are our Throwback Doormat of the Week. They get the Barcalounger on Thursday.

LIONS 18,  RAIDERS 13

Ah, it was just three short weeks ago the Raiders were in the rarified air of 4-3 and looked like everybody’s new young exciting team.  Yesterday at the Kat Box the Raiders and Lions- the two worst teams of the last decade- tried valiantly to give the game to the other team for the entire 4^th quarter, and it wasn’t until the Raiders committed a hold in the end zone for a safety that the Lions cried uncle, and took the win. 

The Silver and Blacked Out have made some necessary adjustments, and now whatever ‘mo’ their offense had 3 weeks ago has been completely frozen in space. Wow! Offenseive coordinator Bill “Musty” Musgrave has really dialed it down to zero on the planning and imagination axis. 3 straight losses, each with less offense, and with the defense having problems covering anything on the corners- bubble screens, tight ends, cheerleaders- opposing teams just need to, uh, take advantage.  The Lions nearly did. Give Detroit some credit, though, as the Raiders fumbled three times, and the Kittens didn’t recover a single one.  Lions fall into 3-way tie for first, trailing the Niners, who have a far worse point differential.

EAGLES 17,  BUCS 45

The Bucs, coming off their gritty 10-6 Doormat grapple (and win) against the Cowboys, run into a buzzsaw in Philly, completely unprepared for the Feeble’s big play defense.  The Eagles “D” (emphasis on the quotation marks) drew up open lanes every where the Bucs turned- huge runs of 84 and 58 yards in the first half, wide open receivers in alarmingly close end zones, piling up a rookie record 5 TD passes to 5 different receivers for Bucs QB Jameis Winston.  The Bucs win two in a row for the first time in 2 years.  The Feebles are still only one game out of first in the NFC East.  Har!

CHARGERS 3, CHIEFS 33

For a while it was entertaining losing.  Char QB Philip Rivers would rack up 300+ yards and still lose.  That’s now over.  The Chars get broiled by the Chiefs, and get only 149 yards passing, and do nothing all day for the home fans.  Clearly they are already in ‘stretch run’ mentality, are bearing down with laser focus on racking up losses and nobody is going to stop them.  It’s really a shame the Browns are not on the schedule.  That’s your Doormat AFC Championship game right there.

DEADSKINS 16, PANTHERS 44

Well, that was a piece o’ cake.  It was trouble in the 1^st quarter, as the Panthers gave the ‘Skins a bomb for a touchdown and greased the field for a 99-yard kickoff return, but they were just goofing.  After, that, the ‘Skins took charge and kept the first downs to 9, fumbled FIVE times, losing four, and just laid a bomb on the Panthers that nobody could withstand, even if you are undefeated.

49ers 13, SEAHAGS 29

The Whiners amassed 38 yards in the first 28 minutes.  It was so boring Seahawk fans nearly forgot to try to drown out the canned crowd noise. A Seahawk team that has trouble doing much of anything is guided to 508 total yards by an increasingly experienced Doormat 49er defense.  This was a professional, workmanlike missing-on-all-pistons loss.  Niners move into tie with Lions for first place.  The big game will be December 27^th at the Kat Box.  They should be 3-11 by then, though they have to play the Browns, which could be serious trouble.  Niners finally clear 100 points in point differential,  139-252 (113). 

DOLPHINS 14, COWBOYS 24

Oh, Tony Romo’s back, and that pretty much ends the Doormat party for the Cows.  The Flops, at 4-6, are coming on with gusto, but have a rough schedule ahead with the Jets, the Ravens, the Giants, the Chargers, and the Colts all posing tough challenges to nail down losses.  They’re going to have to pull out all the stops to lose all of those.  I don’t see it happening.

RAVENS 16, RAMS 13

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they had this in the bag. Trailing 13-3 entering the 4^th quarter, the Cravens can’t withstand the Ram collapse and run off 13 straight (somewhat straight) points, kick the game winner (curses!) with 00:00 on the clock.  Cravens, now 3-7, drop 3 places in the AFC standings.  Tough luck, guys.  But Joe Flacco is out for the season, so next week’s massive game with the Browns now looks less difficult.

TEXANS  24,  JETS 17

No matter what these guys do, they keep winning games.  QB Brian Hoyer, already a pretty good Doormat QB, goes down.  They stupidly release bumbling QB Ryan Mallett (who couldn’t even find the team plane), but sign ol’ Doormat friend T.J. Yates...and kaboom! They win three in a row.  They just can’t do anything right.  16 punts in this one….SNORRRRRRRRRRRRRRE

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11, 2015

First Downs:       9        Redskins, Dolphins

TURNOVERS:  5       Redskins

Total turnovers   7        Colts-Falcons

Points:                3       Chargers

Total Yards:        186   ‘Skins

Yards allowed:    521    Eagles

Penalties:        10/137   Ravens

Sacked By:         6-48   Vikings

Punts:                 8       Jets, Texans, Rams

Total Punts:        16     Jets-Texans

3^rd down conversions:  1-10   Dolphins,  2-11  Niners

aaaAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!