ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!!!
RRRRRAIDERS 30, BRONCOS 20
We waited as long as we could. You don't really climb out of the basement until you have guaranteed that you can't lose more than 7 games. But this has to happen now: CONGRATULATIONS, OAKLAND RAIDERS, you aren't a Doormat anymore. The team with the worst record for about the last 15 years has catapulted themselves into first place (WHAT??) in the AFC West, with a gaudy 7-2 record, and did it with a pretty complete manhandling on the offensive and defensive line. The monstrous front line of the Oakland offense (6 down linemen on most plays), just pushed the Broncos all over the field, ran the ball through holes large and small like it was just fun to do, and gave Derek Carr plenty of time to throw the ball.
The 31st ranked Oakland D, which still somehow manages to keep the Raiders in every game, was stellar, completely shutting down the Broncos offense. WTF, a complete game from a perennial doormat.
You never can be sure about teams that have been bad for so long...the wheels just might come off and kablooie, 7-2 turns into 7-9. Not with these guys. Wheels not coming off. Not with those spiffy rims.
Denver did the Doormat numbers last night- no first downs for the first 5 possessions, 4 straight 3-and-outs to open the game, and the first team to get under 20:00 of possession time this year, with a stunningly measly 18:43 of ineffective offense (except for two huge plays).
The Raiders even got out-penalized, 12 to 8. Last week they set a new NFL record with 23 for 200 yards, so wow.
THE STANDINGS
DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 8
AFC
Cleveland - 0-9
Jacksonville - 2-6
NY Jets - 3-6
Cincinnati - 3-4-1
San Diego - 4-5
Indianapolis -4-5
Tennessee- 4-5
NFC
San Francisco - 1-7
Chicago - 2-6
Carolina - 3-5
Arizona - 3-4-1
Tampa Bay - 3-5
Los Angeles - 3-5
THE GAMES
BROWNS 10, COWBOYS 35
Well, this one was a no-doubter from the first ominous chip-shot field goal for the Brown-outs. Following that up with 21 unanswered points by the Cowboys- though we often count missed field goals and punts as "answers" around here- the Blanks had no problem- like having to blow a 20 point lead- this week. 0-9 and just try and stop them.
WHINERS 23, SAINTS 41
Looking slightly sharper in the first half this week, the Whines kept up with the Saints until the intermission, after which they did their usual implosion serenade, wrapping 3 fumbles and two punts around a measly field goal, while 49er flagmen in gold hard hats directed the Saints to the end zone a couple times. 1-7 and a steamroller, baby. However, Kaepernick is uncorking some bombs and look for the 49ers to have trouble losing to the Bears (12/4) or the Jets (12/11). They have a lot of work to do to stay with the Browns.
JESTS 23, DOLPHINS 27
It was anybody's game to lose, and the Jests stepped up and claimed it. Taking the lead late in the 4th quarter (23-20) on a bungled punt by the Dolphins, the Nyets kick off and pin the Flops at the 5 yard-line..but NO! There was an offside, and this time the Jest-setters get it right- a 95 yard kickoff return for a TD and Bob's Your Uncle, they nail down another loss. Very creative losing.
Another game in the new brand of doormat play- entertaining, lots of lead changes, whoa. Dolphins pull into Parity Division with 4-4 record.
GAGUARS 14, CHIEFS 19
The Chiefs, always boring, but never exciting, win by 5 points, and it feels like 30. The Jags can out-mediocre anybody. Just set that bar a little lower...lower.
BOOTINEERS 28, FALCONS 43
It was 40-14 at one point, OK? Falcons coasted home with this one, as that Bucs defense...wait, did they use a defense yesterday? As Tim Gunn says on Project Runway, they "used it carefully and wisely." Bucs 3-5 and up against it next week against the Bears. Huge game. Pack extra Twinkies.
RAMS 10, PANTHERS 13
Remember when the Rams were 3-1 and leading the NFC West? I don't either. Walkfish accurately predicted this stiff to be the STIFF OF THE WEEK, though one always has to wait for the Seahawks to play before calling that one. 3-5 now, both of them. Panthers have won 3 straight. I think they're headed for relevance, considering what a Pile of Parity the NFL is this year. 8-8 is gonna get you in the playoffs.
The Titanics nailed down another loss, avoiding a winning record (whew), and the Colts actually WON a game against the confused identity of the Green Bay Packers.
TONIGHT: SEAHAGS vs. BILLS. Somehow the Hags are 4-2-1, even though they can't score, but the Bills are at 4-4 and can almost get back in the basement with a loss tonight. Go Nils!!
aaaAAAAAND That's the View foaming from the Basement!!!!
jets and flops was the game to watch yesterday, 1st time I’ve heard of losing on a 95 yd kickoff return aft. an offside penalty following a field goal to accidentally take the lead!
ReplyDeleteon a more sobering note for Panther fans: LA Lams had 2 missed FGs in the game and lost by 3 pts. so make your own conclusions here. They had a lot more yds than Carolina and a lot more penalties !
The Lambs are crafty and resourceful.
DeleteAnd the Pansies won't win a lot of games playing that way. Yes, Elvis, that Fins/Jests game was one of the finest exercises in chaos I have ever seen. I had no idea a Doormat game could be so exciting. Next week Jests get the Lambs and Fins get the Chargettes. Wow. Lamb defense is monster. Jests may not get a first down except after a punt or kick reception. On the other hand, Lambs may not be able to score. Maybe a 9-8 bloody nose fest there. Fins and Chargettes could be another see saw fiasco with w wild finish.
DeleteWow, great Doormat matchups for next week. Lambs, if they can get under the Jests, are really in business for the stretch run. They may yet lose to the Niners again, as Kaepernick seems to be learning how to move the ball for one half.
DeleteOK, let's admit the 4,000 pound elephant in the locker room here. What NFL team has gone 9-11 in its last 20 games, and had 300 yards of offense in only 3 of those games (Browns are only other team with that offense stat in its last 20 games): Green Bay. As I mentioned before, it's the Tiger Woods mystique. Everyone keeps expecting them to wake up and win big...and they don't. There's a lot of Limburger in Appleton right now. I woke up on the couch last night and thought I saw a guy in a green and yellow shirt looking in the sliding door window. But it was just a kid in a Ninja Turtle costume. But the Pack might be out there before the season is over.
ReplyDeleteNinja Turtles wearing cheese heads would totally work
Deletethere's a lot of Limburger in Appleton! Erik wins the new halloween costume contest with that image !
Delete