BEARS IN TOP FORM

BEARS 14, PACKERS 35

A week after losing focus and winning a game, the daBares (1-3) came out with a vengeance at Lambeau Field last night, leaving no doubt about just who is a Doormat contender.  The fact that they did this despite a 45-minute thunderstorm delay shows just how tough a customer daBares are this season.

The Chicago defense opened with a methodical 10-play touchdown strategy for the Packers, eating up clock and tiring the defense early.  7-0 Packers.  The Pack kicked off,  and Bears QB Mike Glennon, on the first play, quickly sack-and-fumbled, landing the Packers at the Bears 3-yard line.  Bob's your uncle, 14-0 Packers.

Mixing up strategy, the Bears staged a futile drive down the field, until the meter hit FUMBLE again, which Mr. Glennon deftly dumped onto the grass.  Though we're sure it drained fan morale all over Illinois, the strategy produced no points for the Pack,  but instead set off a string of punts- 5 of them- between the two teams. Time to refill the chips helmet!

Frustrated by this battle of the boots,  the Bears dialed up an interception on their next drive, and that finally got the Packers moving, to the tune of a 58-yard bomb and a 2 yard dive.  21-0 Packers. 

The game was over, and it wasn't even halftime.  The Bears kept it real, though, with a few more bonehead plays, the most notable a 2nd half gratuitous helmet hit by LB Danny Trevathan on Packers WR Davante Adams, on a third down play where Adams was already stopped, resulting in a personal foul, handing the Pack a fresh first down deep in Bears territory, and possibly seriously injuring Adams.  That's not Doormat ball, it's just plain stupid. Doormat coaches do not need this kind of help. I swear, when players lead straight ahead with their helmets, they should be handed a leather helmet for the rest of the game.  It does, however, show that the Bears need to instruct their players that when chippiness leads to cheap hits, though it helps lose games, it is no way to win a Moldy Carpet trophy.  

For the closer, the Bears were awarded a Pointless Touchdown in the 4th quarter, after the Packers retired to get out of the downpour.

We hear Davante Adams is not seriously injured, and we hope he recovers quickly and is back on his feet soon.

AAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

Sniff Test Uncovers Surprises in NFL Week 4

Wow, who left that salmon out? I like a nice hunk of fish and a cold beer as much as anybody, even Sushi, but not raw and weeks old.  I guess we will be eating stale chips and fresh jars of salsa this weekend.

And speaking of bad fish smell, there are some teams that are not passing the sniff test; chief among them would be the NY Giants, who many pundits listed as a Super Bowl possibility this year. Maybe they were eating this fish.

And who else? The Toxins, Crudinals, Bungles, Seahags, and Fins are all seriously underperforming. Ravens and Steelers look shaky too. I think I saw all of them on the patio last night, standing in the rain, and peering in at the couch. Not yet guys, well, maybe the Giants. Yeah, sure, Giants, you can take a load off and flop on the couch for the rest of the season. 

There were also some QBs not exactly making the sniff test last week as well. Or maybe it’s their O-lines.

Sure, Kizer of CLE was to be expected, but look at the bottom five passer ratings for Week 3 (from worst to least worst, attempts/completions, yards, passer rating). Four of these guys you would never expect:

Joe Flacco, BAL, 8/18, 28 yds., 12

Philip Rivers, LAC, 20/40, 237 yds., 37.2

Cam Newton, CAR, 17/26, 167 yds., 43.8

Deshone Kizer, CLE, 22/47, 242 yds., 50.1

Derek Carr,  OAK, 19/31, 118 yds., 52.9

Whoa, Flacco! That must have taken a lot of effort. A 12? 28 yards passing? Is there a strategy here?

I would say Chargers, Carolina, Indianapolis, and Cleveland are facing a death sentence by week 6.

But now it’s week 4, and we load the frozen turkey launcher for the following prognostications!

Bears- 18

Packers-21

(Bears back in form, Packers still struggling)

Saints- 33

Dolphins- 10

Titans- 14

Toxins- 13

Jaguars- 24

Jets-21

Bills-10

Falcons-42

Steelers- 21

Ravens-14

Bengals- 10

Browns- 17

(Whoa, Brownies riding the crest of an almost 2-game winning streak)

Eagles- 28

Chargers-17

Giants- 24

Buccaneers- 30

49ers- 17

Cardinals- 21

Colts- 9

Seahawks- 17

WEEK THREE WRAP UP: TAKE A KNEE SUNDAY

TAKE A KNEE SUNDAY!

If having the whole league take a knee or stand arm in arm will produce results like yesterday's games, I suggest they do this every Sunday. Joking aside, it was a fantastic display of unity.
And upsets all over the place, which was fitting.  The underdogs rose up knocked off a few big dogs!!!  We're still recovering from the celebrations here in the Basement.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3 STANDINGS

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS              0-3             37       70    -33

SANTA CLARA         0-3            51       76    -25

CHICAGO                 1-2            47       69     -22

NEW ORLEANS       1-2            73       78     -5

SEATTLE                  1-2            48       59     -11

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CINCINNATI             0-3           33        60     -27

CLEVELAND            0-3           56        76     -20

COLTS                      1-2           53        90     -37

NY JETS                   1-2           52        72     -20    

HOUSTON                1-2           53        74     -21

GAME OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 28, COLTS 31
Believe it or don't, this qualifies as an upset, because the Browns were favored, by .0075 points. But being favored didn't faze the  Blank Helmets- they came out and had the Colts looking like Super Bowl contenders in the first half, getting run over for 286 yards and 28 points. It takes some serious coaching to amass 4 offensive pass interference penalties, drop 7 passes, and throw three INTs, but the Brownies did it.  How they squeezed in some completions, we'll never know. 

Despite all this, the Brownouts dang near won the game, going 4-5 in the red zone, and it wasn't until the final INT with 0:00 on the clock that the L was safely in the Brownie coffers.  1-18 in the Hugh Jackson Era. Q: Will the Colts win another game?  Or was that it?

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

JAGS 44, RAVENS 7
London: The Jags have played so many games in London, it's a home game now. They've been so bad in London, it was a yearly Doormat showcase. But THIS TIME, they got up off the mat and clocked a team teetering on the edge of the Basement Abyss. For once, the Jaguars played for the entire game. For once- they WON.  

Joe Flacco started for the Original Browns, gets sacked twice, throws two INTs and finishes with a QB rating of 0.5, which I didn't know was possible. 186 total yards for the Cravens, and 1.8 yards per pass. Jags pile up 410 yards, score six TDs, pull off a 58 yard gain on a fake punt, and are 2-1 for the first time since...I don't remember this.  Quoth the Jaguar:  Mmfph..momp...mmm, raven.  
NEXT:  at Jets.  Jags never win two in a row.  The long trip to London...the JET lag.  Gonna be interesting.

THE REST OF THE UPSET PILE

RAIDERS 10,  WASHINGTON 27
You're supposed to get UP after the national anthem plays. Punter Marquette King only player to show up, averaging 52 yards on 7 punts. Raiders unveil "Least Mode." Ah, the good old days. 

GIANTS 24, EAGLES 27
It was 14-0 Eagles at the end of the 3rd quarter.  And then the Gnats staged a wild comeback, getting ahead 21-14, and yet managed to blow the lead and still lose, sliding in with their winless record intact (0-3).  Was it a Futile Comeback?  Blown Lead?  Giants still can't run the ball, so no matter what Eli Manning does, this team is gonna pile up the L's like stacking cord wood outside the cabin. 

BILLS 26, BRONCOS 16
It's fun to only get 16 first downs, and still win. It's an upset, but the Broncos can tank pretty good. Bills QB Tyrod Taylor ignores his 'make these mistakes' menu. Keep that up, and the Bills climb outta the Basement. The Broncos brought their own losing menu:  A bonnnnnehead fake punt, at their own 25 yard line, total fail (Bills convert a FG); two really bad bad-decision interceptions; and most odd, a 3rd down taunting penalty on Vaughn Miller (4th quarter, game on line) for...pretending to help Taylor up, and pulling his hand away. They had been goofing on each other all game, and both were laughing when the ref threw his hanky, but Taylor got to keep laughing. It gave the Bills a first down, they ate up 4 minutes on the clock and kicked a field goal to BOOT.  Broncos don't recover. Miller won't pull that again, but bonehead plays are catching, you know. Next man up, Broncos!  

BEARS 23,  STEELERS 17 (OT)
ANOTHER upset!!! This one really counts. Nobody picked the daBares to pull this one off.  Steelers looking shaky, could be teetering on mediocrity, as they give the Bears, who have no passing game, 220 rushing yards.  Bears appear to have a defense. Appearances can be deceiving.  

JETS 20, DOLPHINS 6
Well, at least we CALLED this one before the season even started. The trap game for the Jets. The Floppers didn't score until there was zero time left on the clock. And they missed the extra point.  Honorable mention:  The Flops called a fake punt, with Flops punter Matt Haack (he really should get that cough looked at) throws a BOMB, which gets intercepted and run back all the way to the Fins 49. At least the teams combined for 12 punts, so we almost felt at home. If the Nyets really want to be the worst team in the NFL and get that 1st round pick, they might need to bench Josh McCown, or find him a concussion or something.  He was playing well against the Raiders last week, and played solid yesterday.  Not putting in the mediocre play expected of him.

So far, only ONE Doormat team LOST on Sunday, the Giants. We can't count the Colts and Browns, because somebody had to win (OK tie is possible, ok OK).

RETURN TO NORMALCY

CHARGERS 10,  CHIEFS 24
Finally, somebody just flat took care of business. The Chagrins didn't even bother with taking a lead in this one. Charred QB Philip "Why Is the Other Team in the Way?" Rivers chips in 3 ints. 

I wonder if the team owners will ever notice that the vast majority of fans buy the light blue jerseys. Couldn't they at least give the fans ONE thing, suiting up in the light blue, since victories are not on the menu?  The band-box stadium is kinda nifty, though. 

TEXANS 33, PATRIOTS 36
Never count out the Houston Texans when a game is there for the losing. Despite being handed 417 yards of total offense, the Texan offense put a cork in the touchdown magnum in the 4th quarter and their defense slid the winning touchdown into the Patriot huddle with :23 seconds left in the game.  Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory never felt so..so..well done. 

Patriots love to give away yardage, it's like visiting some huge cattle ranch when you play them. Open spaces as far as the eye can see, but there are these sudden stampedes here and there. Don't fence me in, baby.  Texans aren't doormats yet, but boy are they working on it. 

SEAHAGS 27, TITANS 33
It's hard to take a Doormat contender seriously when they pile up 433 yards of total offense, and score 27 points. Yet, they got in 8 punts, timed 11 penalties masterfully, and their defensive line was Marshmallow City. No sacks. Colts come to town next week.  If they can lose to the Clots, they're in business.  Maybe old Rah-Rah Pete's act is causing deafness on the Puget Sound.

BUNGLES 24, PACKERS 27 (OT)
Bungles find another way to lose.  Beautifully crafted come-from-ahead loss.  0-3 and a trip to Cleveland next Sunday.  OH MY.  Look out.  Everybody duck!  

TONIGHT:

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS
Maybe the Crudinals can clear up a lot of questions in the NFC West.  Right now, you can pretty much hand the Division to the Rams, and how nuts is that.  Hard to be quality Doormat when your entire division is knocking on the slobber-covered sliding glass door on the patio.  

WEEK THREE WORST STATS

OFFENSE:
Points:             6          DOLPHINS
First downs:    7           RAIDERS (first sub-10 of the year!)
Total Yards:    128       RAIDERS  (first sub-150 of the year!)
Passing:         52         RAVENS
Rushing:        32          RAIDERS
QB Rating:    0.5          Flacco, Ravens
3rd down conv:  0-11   RAIDERS 
4th down conv:  0-3     DOLPHINS
Red Zone conv: 0-3     TITANS
Turnovers:    3              CLE,BAL, ATL, TB, OAK, LAC, 
INT:              3              CLE, ATL, LAC,BUCS
Fumbles lost:  2           STEELERS
Sacked:       6/33         PACKERS 
Fumble six given:   1    Patriots
Pick-six  given:       1    Packers, Falcons
Blocked kick run back for TD:  1   Bears

DEFENSE:
Total Yards allowed:   494    BUCS
Pass yards allowed:   369    BUCS
Rush yards allowed:   220    STEELERS
No sacks:     0                Seahawks, Bucs, Eagles

Punts:    8                      SEAHAWKS
Penalties:  10/137          Giants
Penalties    13/122         CHIEFS
Time of Poss:   21:54     RAIDERS



 aaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!

RAMS-NINERS DO IT THE RIGHT WAY

NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!!

RAMS 41, 49ERS 39

The NFL season is 3 weeks old, nearly, and the Los Angeles Rams have delivered potent offense in 2 of their three games.  Last night, they graciously invited the Santa Clara 49ers to join them in a wild, Doormat shootout at Levi's stadium. WHAT A GAME. Combining shaky defenses with crafty young coaches brimming with cool offensive ideas, and numerous mistakes with a lotta hutzpah makes for a potentially wild game. We got one.

Thursday Night Football requires teams to wear the ugliest Division II style of uniforms possible.  The Rams won this round with the all-yellow ensemble. But, they played like a couple crazy Div. II teams, so HEY.

The game started perfectly-  Whiners QB Brian Hoyer throws a first play interception- directly at the defender- and sets up the Rams at the 2 yard-line.  TD, Rams!  Then the Rams held the 49ers for a quick three and ou- but WAIT, a penalty gives the Whines new life and they ZOOM down the field and score. 7-7.  First touchdown of the year! Somebody alert the empty seats!

The Whiners kick off to the Lambs, and get a simple 3 and ou- but WAIT,  49er penalty gives the Rams NEW LIFE and they whip down the field and SCORE.  14-7.  Doormat excellence!

The Rams, though they have no defense, do have guys who can fall on a ball. The Whiners complied with a deft fumble on the next series, making another short field, and the Lambos kick a field goal.  17-7.

Finally, the Norty-finers take it upon themselves to just play bad, and punt, but not so fast, pal, as the Rams receiver fumbllllllllles the punt and the Whiners take over at the Ram 12. Undaunted,  the Red and Gold (ok, black and red) put it in reverse and back it up to 3rd and 18 and drop a perfectly thrown ball in the process.
Whiners hold it to a FIELD GOAL.   17-10, Rams.

Unbelievably, the Whiners offense holds on the next series, and the Lambs PUNT.  You won't see that guy for 3 quarters. Whines respond on their series with a penalty, a sack, and 3rd and 17.  Undaunted, the Lambs find the 49ers a first down and follow it up with 12 men on the field!  But the Whiners pull off a sack, and....they still wobble one over the uprights for another field goal. 17-13, Rams.

With slightly over 2 minutes to go before half-time, the Niners get blinded by the yellow uniforms, and initiate their 2-minute penalty drill, the refs start throwing yellow flags and next thing you know Todd Gurley has scored his 3rd touchdown for the Lambinis.   BOOM.  24-13, Rams.

HALFTIME.  
At this point, one felt that the wheels were going to come off the 49er wagon, and the Rams would eventually win 40-13.  But as Buzz Lightyear once said: NOT TODAY.

3rd Quarter-
Rams open with a really juicy BOMB from Jared Goff to Willie Mays impersonator Sammy Watkins, the 49ers toss in an interference call after that, the Rams land at the 2 yard line, get scared, back it up the field, and kick a field goal, desperately trying to not get so dang far ahead.  27-13, Rams.

Whew. The Rams counter this defensive collapse by the Whines with their own, engineering open spaces for the entire field, timing a roughing the passer penalty perfectly, and the Whiners romp down the field as if they were the Patriots and Carlos Hyde blasts into the end zone from 1 yard out.  27-20, Rams.

At this point, you realize that nobody is punting, you better not change the channel, and it's pretty much a pick-up game at the park.  With really huge guys playing.

And, on cue, the 49ers counter with their own missing defense, multiple penalties, and the Rams find themselves stumbling into the end zone with Sammy Watkins takin it in on a pass from 1 yard out.  34-20, RAMS.

4th QUARTER
UNDAUNTED, the gassed LA defense gets burned for a huge sky-rocket bomb from Hoyer to Goodwin all the way down the field and before you can get annoyed by the Rams fans behind you and start a fight, the Whiners SCORE AGAIN.  Hey!  I'm supposed to be incredibly bored here!  Why are we standing up? These are the NINERS we're talking about.  But, just so you don't get too cocky, 49er placekicker Robbie Gold shanks the extra point.  34-26, LAMBS.

At this point, I think the entire starting lineup for the 49er defense is injured, and God knows who was in those suits out there. They were dropping like toddlers on an uphill hike, and you forgot the candy. The Lambs coast down the field, capping it with Watkin's second TD catch, and picking up maybe a possible concussion.  When are guys going to stop leading with their helmets?  Maybe when they go back to using leather helmets. 41- 26, RAMS.

Momentarily finding their Doormat acumen, the Whines drop a couple passes and PUNT, only their second of the game.  The Rams then counter with another PUNT.  Take that! It began to look like the fuel was on empty, and then everybody started to head for the exits...even those that never arrived in the first place.

And they missed this:  Another 50 yard bomb from Hoyer, this time to Pierre Garcon.  He was NOT open.  He just caught it anyway.  That Lamb defense is something to behold!  The Niners score again, possibly using up all their touchdowns for the next 7 games, and pull to 41-33 with 5:08 left.

Now on a mission, the Rams fumble the kickoff and the unsuspecting Niners fall on it.  Stunned all around, they take 8 plays to go 29 yards, score the TD....and miss the two point conversion.  41-39.

The ensuing onside kickoff bounces off a 49er helmet and the Whines recover!  LOOK OUT, you might WIN, Whiners! Now comes the part, if you are a Niner fan, you hate.  They get a first down that would have put them in field goal range, and the receiver gets hit with an offensive pass interference call, on a really dubious minor arm-push-off. In our Doormat world, we appreciate the killer penalty, but no ref should call something that ticky-tack at the end of a game when the competition is really high. And that was your ballgame. Now at 3rd and 20, Hoyer finally gets sacked by Rams DE Aaron Donald, who was in Hoyer's grill all night.

Game Over.  Hilarious, great Doormat game. These two teams, if they ever find a defense, will not remain Doormat members for much longer. But remember, these offenses look a lot better when these two teams play each other.  The Rams could achieve Parity this year.  The 49ers won't, but, please keep playing like that, guys.  At least against the other shaky defenses.  Doormat Ball the way it should be played.

Whiners 0-3 and have lost 9 straight home games (O-fer Niners), dating all the way back to last year's home opener against these same Rams.

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!

NFL WEEK 2 WORST STATS

LAMBS VS. WHINERS 

TONIGHT ON THURSDAY NIGHT DOORMAT!!

Go to theunforgettablebuzz.com for more fun with electric football!!

The Santa Clara 49ers won two games last year, both against the Rams.  Rams looked like a juggernaut in Week 1, and like their old selves in Week 2.  49ers have not scored a touchdown yet, and if they can make that three in a row at home, it's an NFL All-Time record- no touchdowns in the first 3 home games.  It's gonna be tough against the Lambs, though.  The Whines have their number.
Tune in tonight for the biggest Doormat game of the year on the west coast.


And now, since I completely spaced this out:

NFL WEEK 2 WORST STATS

Points:                3            Buffalo
First Downs:      10           Buffalo
Total Yards:      176          Buffalo
Passing:              89          49ers
Rushing:             20          Bears (1.25 yard avg.)
Yards Allowed:  555        Saints
Turnovers:           5 (4/1)    Browns   (int/fum)
3rd Down conv:  2-12      Browns,  49ers
4th Down conv:  0-2        Buffalo,  Giants
Low QB Rating:  27.3     Kizer, Browns  (48, Hoyer, SF)
Sacked:               6           Bills, Eagles, Vikings
Red Zone Futility: 0-3    49ers, Miami, AZ, CIN, CAR, CLE.  (what a logjam)
Pick-Six given up:  1      Bears, Cowboys
Fumble-six :           1       Packers
Give up Punt TD:    1     Giants
PUNTS:              7         49ers, Seahawks (same game for 14)
Penalties:        11/131     Vikings
Time of Poss:    21:07     Bills


aaaaAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

Week 3 NFL Doormat Predictions- Swan Dives are Happenin'

Hello, Doormat fans. This year the Oracle from the Basement has decided to up the game and, instead of spinning a frozen turkey on the sticky-with-old-beer floor of the basement, I have built a catapult in the back yard and am now launching a frozen turkey into the woods and assigning a score based on trajectory, distance, and any damage it may cause.

So, with the catapult loaded, we launch for each Doormat tilt, and here are the prognostications:

Rams- 30

49ers- 6

Last year this would have been a doormat gem, now it’s just an embarrassing blowout. Goff rides high before coming down to reality in Dallas in Week 4.

Browns- 17

Colts- 12

Yes, it’s true, the Dolts are favored to lose, even in Vegas. We may have missed these guys when drafting Doormat teams. Dolts go 0-3. There is still time to switch…

Giants- 17

Eagles- 21

These teams hate each other. Whether they stink or not, it’s almost always a good game. But Eli has no line, no running backs, and he can’t carry a gun on the field in the NFL, so it’s 0-3 for the Giants. NY fans are going to get restless. Look for a mushroom cloud in New Jersey before this season is over.

Dolphins- 40

Jets-13

Jets get clobbered again, this time by a reborn Jay Cutler. Go Fins.

Broncos- 21

Bills- 10

Bills could actually win this game. But they won’t.

Saints- 28

Panthers-26

Brees slings 60 passes, Saints find a way to win. Panthers can’t find the magic and Cam can’t find his receivers.

Steelers- 44

Bears-2

Blowout of the week. At least the Bears are at home so they can have dinner at Butkis’ steak house in the Loop—if he lets them in, that is. Probably not.

Bengals- 17

Packers-35

Pack wakes up for one game. Bengals on way to epic crumble.

Chiefs- 26

Chargers-10

Welcome to LA, Bolt Heads. The fans in Tinsel Town and SD all hate you. Chiefs are on way to AFC championship game. Don’t trip over Chargettes, guys.

Texans- 10

Patriots- 36

Pats play bad first game, as usual. Everyone thinks it is over—every year—and then Pats run the table for the last 13 games. I hate the Pats, but Toxins are the greatest crap team in the NFL. Posers.

Seahawks- 17

Titans- 21

What can I say? Seahags are in deep doo doo. Who will get blamed? 

Cowboys- 17

Cardinals- 14
Pokes get a win. Cards get to look bad at home. What’s wrong with these guys anyway? They should win this division, but it doesn’t look like they will even win $2 playing instant winner in the lottery this year. Pokes get Lambs next week, at home. I want to see that game.

Raiders-38

Redskins-21

It is really great that the Rrrrrrrrraiders are NOT a Doormat these days. Meanwhile, in DC, hey, how much are we paying that Cousins guy again?

And that's it from the Oracle. Gentlemen, make your predictions!

WEEK 2 WRAP-UP and SKY SKY SKY HIGH ANALYSIS

Maybe some of you get to go off to work and coast all day long, but here in the dank confines of the Basement, we had to search the patio for a decent cigarette butt and heat up yesterday's coffee on our new grill, rescued from the alley garbage two blocks over.  I hope that trail of ash doesn't lead anybody over here that is expecting anything.  We have WORK to do. The Seahags and Whiners turned in a Doormat game for the ages, and the Ain'ts are back in the Basement. But, yesterday, the Doormat Commish (DT), Walkfish (the true stats pro on this blog) and me attended the Jets-Rrrraiders game to get an up-close look at our potential perfect-season team...the Jets. 

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 2

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA

SANTA CLARA         0-2            12       35

CHICAGO                 0-2            24        52

NEW ORLEANS       0-2            39        65

NY GIANTS              0-1              3        19

SEATTLE                  1-1            21        26

ARIZONA                 1-1             39        48

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA

CINCINNATI             0-2           9          33

COLTS                      0-2           22        62

CLEVELAND            0-2           28        45

NY JETS                   0-2          32         66

HOUSTON                1-1          20         38

THE GAMES!

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK:

JETS 20,  RRRRAIDERS 45

The league office got us some decent 'seats' for the game, and it didn't disappoint.  I say 'seats' because nobody actually sits down at Raider games.  At least not the first 40 rows. 

Opening day at Raider Nation was magnificent.   Plus, a dirt infield.  How do you top that?

The Raiders kept the Jets close for the first half by committing their usual bonehead personal foul calls because you have to be a complete choirboy to avoid getting those penalties if you play for the Raiders.  I swear a Raider linebacker could say "your mom burns toast" to whoever he just tackled and TWEET!!!  That man said a bad word!!

My paper today says the Raiders got 1321 first downs to the Jets 17.  While this might be a typo, it seems right.

The Jets unveiled their best defensive play yesterday, multiple times:  have two guys both take really bad angles on the runner busting up the middle and completely miss the guy, who then runs for 20 yards or a touchdown.  The other play was - put one guy on Crabtree, and watch Crabtree score 3 touchdowns.  I think Crabtree has a grip of iron if he even gets a finger on the ball, or Lester Hayes (no. 37 in your tattered 1980 Raiders game day program) keeps mailing him jars of stickum. Jets 0-2 and looking solid.  

 And now, please, a moment of silence for 

THE HEIDI GAME, Nov. 17th, 1968

Raiders 43, Jets 32

STIFF OF THE WEEK:

BILLS 6, PANTHERS 9

I'd really like the Niners-Hawks game to be the Stiff of the Week, but give credit where no touchdowns are scored.  The Pansies and the Nils ground out a game of zero turnovers, 12 punts, nobody over 200 yards passing, and just...is that Heidi movie coming on soon?

Pansies are easily the worst 2-0 team in the NFL.  But there's a lot of competition, so don't get too proud.

49ERS 9,  SEAHAWKS 12

Somehow, the Seahags got 21 first downs in this bore-fest at Broiled Fans Stadium in Santa Clara. Boy, I'm sure glad the Whiners got rid of the guy with the big hair so they could bring in Brian Hoyer. I've never seen a Doormat quarterback so confidently throw a pass right at a linebacker.  ON-THE-MONEY. The Hags really put everything they had into losing this one, but, they were out-maneuvered. 49ers averaged 3.1 yards per pass play. Try losing to that. Just try. One touchdown did it, and the 49ers don't score TDs. The Hags caved in the 4th quarter, and scraped one over the goal line (but still missed the extra point- as if the 49ers would actually get downfield and kick a tying FG. Pfft!). 

Whiners are now the second team this season to not score a TD in their first two home games, tying the 1939 Eagles (and 2017 Bengals). Tune in Thursday Night Doormat this week for the Whiners shot at three home games in a row with no TDs.  It'll be a record.

BROWNIES 10, ORIGINAL BROWNS 24

The Ravens can't hang with Cleveland. Who can? These are the Champs we're talking, here. After 4 listless Blank Helmets series to open the game, Browns QB Deshone Kizer understandably developed a migraine headache and left the game. Backup Kevin Hogan stepped in and threw an INT, but got a TD.  But the Browns got Kizer back in the game in the 3rd quarter, he drove the length of the field, and with God knows what visual distortions dancing before his eyes, threw a drive killing INT into the end zone.  5 turnovers for the Doormat Champs! Browns coach Hue Jackson:  "The turnovers will always stick out because it stops you from scoring points or leads to points for the other team."  It's your neck that's sticking out, coach.  

YIKINGS 9, STEELERS 26

aaaaand Sam Bradford is on the sidelines.  Case Keenum, whose name is not Colin Kaepernick, stepped in and, folks, the Yikes are a Doormat King if Bradford isn't in there.  

Take note.

CHARGERS 17, DOLPHINS 19

I promise not to predict victory for the Chargers ever again. These guys can lose anytime, anywhere, no matter what the score. Maybe people in San Diego are feeling a little better today.  After all, NBA training camp is opening soon, and the Clips- oh, never mind. 

COLTS 13, CARDS  16  (OT)

In a hard fought Doormat battle, the Cardinals could not underwhelm the Colts for a whole game, crumbled in the 4th quarter, and could not possibly miss a 30-yard chip shot field goal in overtime. Colts 0-2 and looking very very formidable.  Next Week's HUGE game:  Colts home opener vs. the Browns (-2.5 Vegas). Yes, you heard right, the Browns are favored on the road.

AIN'TS 20, PATS 36

It was 20-3 at the end of the first quarter.  Next week, we find out just how bad the Panthers are, because they play the Saints.  Some Doormat bragging rights in the South are at stake.

JAGS 16, TITANS 37

Jags won their home opener last week, so another home game, two weeks in a row..that's a tall order in the land of weird color combinations (teal, gold and black).  Still, I think the Jags will have a tough time losing to the more serious Doormat teams this year.  Rough road ahead.

BEARS 7, BUCS 29

ARGH!  Bears had a shutout going and then bungled it with 1:43 to go in the game with the Tampa Bay 3rd stringers in there.  Perfection is so hard to achieve.  Steelers come to town next week, so maybe they can 0-fer then.

We'll have this week's WORST STATS tomorrow after the Giants debacle tonight.  

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

WEEK 2 PROGNOSTICATIONS AND 16-PUNT NIGHT

BENGALS 9,  TEXANS 13

We had our first 1 Touchdown game, and now the Doormat Season is officially under way. There were so many punts (16), ESPN used every advertisement they had, and almost had to start running those ads selling Mac and Cheese on the premise that terrorism and global warming means that it's time to stock the bunker.

The Cincinnati Bungles took a look at last week's stats, where the Texan's Deshaun Watson got turfed 10 times, and decided not to blitz. Keeping their sacks down to a manageable 3, the Bungles minimized creating turnovers and field position (as if that mattered to the Bungles offense). Shrewd ploy.  It sure helped get Watson off to the races for the only TD of the game, a 49-yard scamper.

 Andy Dalton and his band of Bungles kept their business between the 30 yard lines, slowly raising the tone and tenor of the famous Cincinnati boo birds, and took the loss like pros.  Just how pro?  The last time a team didn't score a touchdown in their first two home games was the 1939 Eagles. That's back before color was invented.

WEEK 2 PROGNOSTICATIONS 

AND FROZEN TURKEY SPIN

JETS (+13) @ RAIDERS

Me, 'Fish and Doormat Commish DT will be attending this game, to get a good look at this year's potential champion- the Jets, of course- and to pick up our  I SURVIVED A RAIDER GAME t-shirts.  The Jets should have no trouble handling the Raiders in this 'game.'  The Jets are on a mission from God, and they've brought their mission to the Swashbuckling Baseball field* of Eternal Halloween.  Raise the Skull and Crossbones, matey, another one walks the plank.   * (yes, the Oakland A's still have their field up.  It's like being in another era out there) 

SEAHAGS @ WHINERS (+14)

Seattle may look pretty shaky, but they have no chance at losing this game.  

Let's see how hard they try. 49ers have lost 7 straight to the Hawks, and it all started with the 2013 NFC Championship game. Whiners don't have enough players left on the team to remember that the Hags are a hated rival, who once ate turkey dinner on their 50-yard line. Another sunny day at Broiled Fans Field.  Best chance to lose: WHINERS  

CARDINALS @ COLTS (+7)

Will Jacoby Brisset or Scott Tolzein start at QB for the Colts? How ever will the Cardinals prepare if they don't know??  I think this may be a game that, no matter how parity-challenged the Cards have become, 'prep' may be overrated. Best chance to lose: COLTS

BROWNS (+8)  @ ORIGINAL BROWNS

This game could be trouble for the Brownies. I envision the Ravens (original Browns) attempting another shutout, and keeping Joe Flacco down to 15 pass attempts. The Brown-outs will find themselves already hoping their rookie QB, Mr. Kizer, will pull a couple miracle plays. After all, his first name is almost spelled like Deshaun Watson's, so, hey.  Best chance to lose: BROWNS

TITANS @ JAGUARS (+1)

Suddenly the Jags are so good, they're almost favorites to win at home. Can the Jags keep the wheels on the bandwagon two weeks in a row? Last year, they needed the bye week in between their only 2 game winning streak of the season. Best chance to lose: JAGS

DOLPHINS (+3.5)  @ LA CHARGERS

The Chargers home field is a flipping soccer stadium out in Carson, so one would hope that this will be a kicking game feature event.  That should help whip up interest in L.A., where there is just nothing to do almost ever. The Floppers will be playing their first game, so who knows what their Doormat chances are.  Best chance to lose: FINS  ....barely

WASHINGTON (+2.5) @ LA RAMS

Last year, the Rams were 3-1 early in the season. Then they lost every single game, except the impossible-to-beat Jets game.  Let's not get tooo excited tooo sooon, you people that like winning.  However, we're hoping for a wild, sling-it out there what-have-we-got-to-lose kind of game. Not a time for being conservative.  Let it fly in the SoCal air.

Best chance to lose:  DEADSKINS

BEARS (+7) @ BUCCANEERS 

Bears didn't look bad enough last week.  Maybe they'll step it up this week.  It's up to the Bucs. 

Bucs finally get to play a game.  Will be way more than ready.

Best chance to lose:  BEARS

aaaAAAAnd that's the View from the Basement!!!!

NFL WEEK 1 WEEK WORST STATS and...TIME OUT!!

CHAGRINS 21, BRONCOS 24

(in hushed tones) "Phil Mickelson is lining up his putt, here on the 18th green here in Augusta. He makes this and he wins the U.S. Open, making the most incredible comeback of his career....he's ready...he's.....TIMEOUT!!!!!!   The putt went in, but Rory McElroy has called timeout, pulling the red timeout airhorn out of his golf bag just in time, and he'll have to do it again. Boy, that airhorn is kinda unnerving, but Phil will just have to line it up again."  

Or..."if Carmelo can make this last free throw, it'll cap the most improbably comeback ever by the Knicks, here in the Garden.  He's lining it up, he's going into his motion....WAIT TIMEOUT BY THE WARRIORS!!!  The shot doesn't count!  He'll have to shoot it again.  Boy, that's the 3rd straight time Coach Kerr has called timeout at just the last second. Gosh, the drama is just building, isn't it, Femur? "  "It's incredible, Diffy, but the Dubs still have a 20 second timeout to use, so anything could happen."

Absurd, you say?  But, mon ami, in zee NFL, we do it  all the time. The Broncos did it to the Chargers last night, and pulled out the victory, 'time-outing' the Chargers rookie kicker, who made the field goal...and then missed the next one.

In no other sport is is it OK to call timeout right when someone is going into their motion to complete a play.  No other sport allows the play to happen, and nullify it. Perhaps, just PERHAPS teams shouldn't be able to call timeout after the players are set out there on the gridiron. This has to be the most annoying gaming of the game I can think of. It's just...stupid, and we DO stupid here in the Doormat Division.  

Chagrins lose at the end one more time, because Roger Goodell is a dope.  

AIN'TS 19, VIKINGS 29

Saints lose.  Sure enough.  Just like we drew it up.  

NFL WEEK 1 WORST STATS

Points: 0                      Bengals

First Downs:  10          Colts

Total Yards:  203         Texans

Rush: 35                      Giants, Steelers

Passing: 110                Texans

Passer rating: 28.4      Bengals (Dalton)

Yards Allowed: 537      Patriots

Turnovers:  5                Bengals

Interceptions:  4            Bengals

Lost Fumbles: 3            Texans

3rd down conv. :  0-10  Colts*

4th down conv  :  1-4    49ers

Red Zone:   1-5  Saints,  0-3  Bengals

Sacked:  10-54yds       Texans  

Punts:  6                        just about half the league.

Penalties:  13-144         Steelers 

Time of Poss:  20:47     Seahawks  (almost under the magic 20!)

*almost nobody ever goes 0-fer on 3rd downs.  Very rare. 

WEEK 1 WRAP-UP AND HOLLYWOOD DUMPSTER DIVE

BREAK UP THE RAMS!!

Niners on track,  Jets look formidable,  Toxins may be back

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS

WEEK 1

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA

SANTA CLARA      0-1              3         23

NY GIANTS            0-1              3        19

CHICAGO               0-1            17        23

AFC

                                  W-L         PF        PA

PATSIES                   0-1          27         42

CINCINNATI           0-1             0         20

COLTS                      0-1           9          46

HOUSTON               0-1            7          29

NY JETS                   0-1          12        21

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Wow, what a great day in the Basement yesterday, Doormat Denizens.  It's gonna be a great season.  Lots of unpredictable games, and some stellar Doormat planning.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

RAMS 49,  COLTS 9

Looking like the kid who rocketed to fame in college for the Cal Bears, Jared Goff completely shredded the Indianapolis defense, while standing behind a solid line, for the biggest beat down they've administered since the Harding administration.  Well...2014.   He got sacked once.  Last year, he got sacked when the team ran on the field, and was developing a flinch if you just raised your hand in his peripheral vision.  On the other side of the ball, the Rams snared two INTs, for TWO touchdowns, sacked whatever stiff was back there for the Colts six times, and generally snuffed the life out of the Horseshoe Heads.

 If the Lambies can keep up that kind of protection for this kid...they'll be leaving the basement.  However, let's wait a week or two before starting to pack their gear for a Basement Exit.  The Colts without Andrew Luck are a terrible team.  Still..we raise our cheese pizzas, Busch beer, and high hopes to the downtrodden Lambs, who, on this day, rose up and completely clobbered somebody.  Huzzah!!

D.O.A  OF THE WEEK

49ers 3,  PANTHERS 23

They have a new GM, a new coach, 46 new players and, man, were the Whiners ready for their Doormat Debut.  Looking like a team that may never score a touchdown, ever again, the Whines did it every possible way you can crush even the most optimistic fan-  well placed dink penalties, dropped passes on bombs that were right on the money, holding onto the ball on 3-step drop-back plays (and getting turfed), an injury to your #1 pick, bad blocking, TOTAL CONFUSION in the defensive backfield, 2-11 on 3rd down, 1-4 on 4th down (and some whoa play calls there)...interceptions! fumbles!  It was Wheel of Fortune Football, all....day....long.  Can I buy a yard?

Considering that Cam Newton is obviously rusty, and was missing wide wide wide open receivers left and right (one WR was so all alone nobody was within 20 yards of him, drifting to the end zone, and Cam overthrew him by 20), the Pansies coulda won by 40.  When teams play the Whines, they need to change the position name to WOR- wide open receiver.  Whoa.  One could say the 49ers are on the track to rebuilding, but, right now, this year, they've got what it takes for a Moldy Carpet Championship. 

JAGS 29,  TEXANS 7

It had been six years since the Jags won on opening day.  And they did it in Houston.  The two teams, to be serious here for a moment, where providing a much needed diversion for some of the folks in the city of Houston, which is still reeling from the devastation of Hurricane Harvey.  

I never believe the Toxins are really a good team.  I think they are always just one step away from tumbling back into the basement, and maybe this is it.  They are forever doing it with mirrors with suspect QBs, and only their stalwart defense saves them.  Not yesterday.  The Texan offensive line...there wasn't one.  10 sacks allowed.  TEN.  Three fumbles lost, one for a fumble-six.  The Toxins are back- at least for this week.  JAGS will have trouble losing a bundle with the Colts and Toxins playing like this.  A lot at stake in the Basement for the Jags.  

PATSIES  27, CHIEFS 42

New England is this week's Honorary Division Leader, even though the point differential doesn't really qualify them.  Boy it's fun to see them up there on our leaderboard, AIN'T IT?  Plus we finally get to pull out the nickname.  Well done, you aging annoying winners.  Taste the turf.

JETS 12,  BILLS 21

Man, there's so much going on in the Doormat already, our supposed Marquee game is waaay down the list.  But this much is clear:  The Jets clearly out-classed the Bills in all phases of the game.  3 interceptions (one on a 2-point conversion, so not in the stats), 11 first downs,  214 yards total offense.  Just completely solid Doormat play, taking care of business against their formidable division rival.   0-1 and on track.

BUNGLES 0, RAVENS 20

Wowee, the Bungles busted out of the gate like overweight marmots-  4 interceptions, lost fumble and STILL 5 punts.  That's probably every single possession.   And they did it at home.  Look out Browns.  What a debut.  Next hideous game:  at Texans.

BROWNS 18, STEELERS 21

A loss is a loss, but some ominous signs of life, here.  Only 4 penalties.  That's not Blank Helmet Football.  They came from behind and almost won (yes, Futile Comeback, sure).  Browns QB DeShone Kizer appears to have some 4th quarter moxie, which bodes for some actual entertainment for Cleveland fans, while they still lose 12 games.  But, seriously, Browns culture appears to be headed for Parity...some day.  

SEAHAGS 9,  PACKERS 17

The Hags looked terrible.  Stay tuned.  

GIANTS 3, COWBOYS 19

As suspected, the Giants offense looks like it has nothing, NOTHING, I tell you.  Their defense can be the best in the world, and it won't save them.  Gnats are in trouble, but they did just play the best team in the NFC East.  

LIONS 35, CARDINALS 23

Just a little check-in on our illustrious ex-Doormat God, the Detroit Lions.  They started the game with a pick-six, and dug a 10-0 hole.  However, they ended up blowing out the Cardinals and I don't think these guys are coming back any time soon.

WASHINGTON 17,  EAGLES 30

In a crucial divisional game for Doormat supremacy, the Skins lose three fumbles, and the last one for the game clinching touchdown.  Mission accomplished.  Next challenge- the Rams in L.A.  

BEARS 17, FALCONS 23

Still reeling from the greatest Super Bowl flame-out in history-  almost as important as the Battle of Trafalgar!!!- the Falcons dang near dropped game one to the Doormat pros, daBares.  We'll see, game one is extremely misleading, this may be the best game daBares play all year.  Still, that didn't really look like a bunch of bums out there.  Are daBares just poseurs, faking you out while they nab your pic-a-nic basket?  Only Boo-Boo knows.

WHEW, that's a lot of games.  It'll sort itself out by week 4, save for the team that starts well, and then swan dives it's way to glory.  Who's it gonna be?

WE WILL SAVE THE WORST STATS UNTIL AFTER TONIGHT'S GAMES:

CHARGERS @ DENVER

SAINTS @ VIKINGS

AAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!