Doormat Report: The NFC Championship

Alex Smith gets ready to throw it right at Mr. Joseph's head.

New York Giants 20, San Francisco 49ers 17 (OT)

Well, here we are. Our last resurrected doormat team, the last team to lose at least 10 games last year, but make the playoffs this year, has been eliminated. It was a record-setting number (5 teams!!). It’s been uplifting (the Barcalounger made it to the upright position), educating , and surreal (making guacamole in January in the Basement…uncharted territory). At least the avocadoes were on sale. Usually we have to make it out of mashed potatoes and green dye. Tastes about the same, once you’ve had 3 quarts of PBR.

Bye bye to the Houston Texans (6-10 last year, 10-6 this year), Cincinnati Bungles (4-12 last year, 9-7 this year) Denver Buncos (4-12/ 8-8), the Detroit Lions (6-10/10-6) and, finally, the San Francisco 49ers (6-10/ 13-3), this year’s official Amazing Turnaround team.

They almost made it, folks, doing it with a defense that actually knows how to tackle and just grinds you into a pulp. They also did it by not turning the ball over anymore, phenomenal special teams play, and a resurrected QB who stopped running like a chicken with his head cut off and throwing the ball into the dirt and making crucial game killing turnovers.

Until yesterday. Alex Smith, the man who caused a collective groan throughout Northern California when it was announced he was going to be the starting QB this year for the Niners, did an encore performance of Bad Alex yesterday. We hadn’t seen much of Bad Alex this year. He still didn’t turn the ball over, but the rest of his performance was Doormat Special all the way. Giving up on the play early, not throwing it when the timing pattern calls for it, and the receiver actually IS open at the moment intended, throwing the ball low, or just plain skipping it to his receiver, rolling out and throwing way off the mark, and the classic Alex, throwing a flat, level, dart that has a slim chance of getting past the line, or if it does, zero chance of getting past the DB or linebacker covering the man over the middle. How a guy can be in the league 7 years and not learn how to lead a receiver on a short route, and loft the ball over the reach of the defender speaks volumes about that man’s determination and mind-set. It’s very interesting, especially when you are barely 6 feet tall and need every inch you can get.

Nobody goes 1-13 on third downs and goes to the Super Bowl. Except they almost did.

Can’t they get Joe Montana to give him just a COUPLE pointers on loft? Steve Young??

Doormat kudos goes to Kyle Williams, the rookie who had to fill in for Ted Ginn Jr., the best return man in the NFL this year, and a weapon on offense with the reverse play. How did Williams do? He botched a punt that gave the Giants the ball deep in 49er territory and resulted in the 4^th quarter Giants touchdown, and then fumbled the punt in overtime that led to the winning field goal, a total of 10 points that basically handed the game to the Giants. Also, don’t forget: the only reverse of the game in the first quarter was fumbled by Williams, though he did retrieve it. Williams had some great games for the Niners this year, but he is now the goat for the entire off-season, and we are putting up a poster of him on the wall behind the TV (right next to the Raven’s K Billy Cundiff) in honor of his complete Doormat meltdown, single-handedly giving the game away. It’s going to be a LONG winter for Mr. Williams. Somebody keep an eye on that young man.

Side note: Let's not forget that the Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns, people, and that shanked FG by Cundiff was Blank Helmet Football all the way or I'll eat my Doormat membership card.

And, finally, Doormat Gold honors to Jim Harbaugh, who did a fantastic job with this 49er team this year, but in OT yesterday forgot the most critical axiom- everybody’s tired, and if you’ve got some running backs, RUN THE BALL right over the other team until they prove they can stop it. Don’t have Mr. Throw it Away run the offense.

OK, we’ve grilled the Niners, whose defense played incredible yesterday, but the weak link did them in. That’s how it goes in the big games. Don’t put a rookie in a pressure situation in the big game. He’s going to blow it at some point. You can take that to the bank.

But, you know what? We’ll TAKE from 6-10 to 13-3 (14-4) right now and right up until training camp next year….when they have a new quarterback. Good God, people, we were TERRIBLE last year and for the last 10 years. We made it to the NFC Championship!! The Doormat Division is extreeeeeeeeeeemely proud of the 49ers, and yesterday's loss doesn't diminish that in the slightest. It feels good to have lost a big game, because, by cracky, we were THERE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

And Then There Were Four

Well, guess what? Only one fancy pants team with a lousy defense is left in the quest for the Reverse Moldy Carpet trophy, which I have been told is called the Super Bowl Trophy. Something like that. It's hard to see the writing when you are down in the basement and the trophy is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay way up there on that shelf in the nice room with all the shiny stuff. We're not allowed in there.

This weekend's games was the classic reminder that hard tough defense, error-free offense and turnovers carry the day in the playoffs. The Niners set that tone at their 3 yard line with The Hit of the weekend, Donte Whitner knocking out Pierre Thomas, and knocking out the ball, stopping the Saints cold on their first drive. The wisdom was the Niners couldn't score more than 27. Alex Smith and Vernon Davis clearly had another plan. Not bad for having been in the 10 Club just last year.

Doormat Legacy: Niners still kept it under 20 first downs, punted 8 times, poor 3rd down conversion (wow are they terrible there, 3rd and 7 is like 3rd and a MILE), and Alex Smith still does not have a 300-yard game in his career (299 on Saturday). So some solid Doormat tendencies still hanging around. But ZERO turnovers.

The Giants, what can you say? After losing to the 49ers on Nov 13th and then losing three more in a row, the Giants win 5 of the last 6 and look like their old selves in the playoffs. Kicking, scratching, biting, and flinging the bomb. Watch out. Eli Manning and the Hail Mary. Wow.

The Patriots look like the offensive machine we have come to expect every year for the last 10+, and they got to play the absolute worst team in the playoffs, the Buncos, who thank goodness finished 9-9, and preserve some sort of Doormat Cred. Their defense looked great against the Bunks, but perhaps that was just because someone finally did a little research about how you defense the option, and why nobody runs it in the NFL (fast and smart linebackers, anyone?).

And, finally, the Baltimore Ravens, the team with the killer defense, and a stench-defying offense! Tom Brady better hope he doesn't end up on a gurney by halftime. The Ravens got a Doormat Gold 11 first downs, 227 total yards, 9 punts, and WON the stinking game yesterday, because the Texans gifted them two touchdowns and basically coughed the ball up whenever they were in danger of mounting a threat. Rookie quarterbacks and the playoffs really don't mix once you hit the second round.

OKAY, on to the matchups!

If you've spent any time watching football for the last 30 years, you know that a Niners-Giants matchup in the playoffs is something to put on extra padding for. Some of the most brutal contests are these two in the playoffs. Joe Montana got hit so hard once by Giant DE Leonard Marshall, breaking his hand and cracking some ribs, that he said "I thought I was gonna die." The worst beating the 49ers ever had in the playoffs was the 49-3 shellacking at the hands of the Giants back in 1989. The 49er faithful haven't forgotten, and neither have the Giants fans forgotten the galling 39-38 loss back in 2003. The playoff record between these two is 4-3 49ers. Wanna read up on a crusher? 1991, 15-13 Giants win in the NFC Championship (see Montana quote above).

OKAY, the game: The 49ers get a home game, but it's against a team that is going to give them a far tougher fight than the Packers were going to. The Giants defense is ranked lower (25th) than the Patriots (15), but ignore that.

What not to ignore is that Green Bay dropped a lot of wide-open passes yesterday. The Giants secondary is so-so, unless they come up with INTs. Alex Smith doesn't throw interceptions...he throws it away (hence the crummy 3rd down conv. percentage). So, Niners aren't going to go nuts, but they will have some chances in the air. Giants defend the run decently, and Frank Gore, though he got in a big run and made some big catches late in the game Saturday, is running on tired legs (he does a lot of pass blocking). Watch for some trick plays with Ted Ginn Jr., if he is healthy, and making Gore an outlet option a tad more. Giants will triple team Vernon Davis, and so Michael Crabtree is going to have to go up and get a few. Best chance for INTs is to get your hands up and deflect Smith's passes, as he is a tad short and throws flat on short passes.

Giants have zero running game, worst in the league, and it should get nowhere on Sunday, putting Eli Manning in the 49er pass rush target sights. Serious trouble for NY. Anytime Manning puts on a helmet and hits the field, I give them a chance. He comes up big in the big games.

The weather forecast is for rain and a swamp of a field, as only a below sea-level field just a parking lot from the water can produce. I really think both teams are going to have an extremely hard time scoring at all, and it's going to come down to a long field goal as time expires. 49er kicker David Akers set the record for most field goals ever this year and hit on 7 of 9 from over 50 yards, which is kind of obscene.

Giants K Lawrence Tynes is no slouch, but hit on only 1 of 3 from over 50.

Pick: 49ers by 1

The team that gets no respect (supposedly) against the team that always looks like they are just going to march into the Super Bowl and win, but, in fact, don't. But 3 out of 4 times in 10 years ain't bad. I mean, the Cleveland Browns haven't done that. Just sayin'. Have another bowl of Chomps (special Super Bowl flavor- "Bitter").

The GAME: Do the Ravens have a weakness on defense? If anyone is going to find it, Tom Brady will. Once again, the Pats are another playoff team with not much of a running game, and against the Ravens, that's trouble.

The Ravens have a running game, definitely, and the Pats are not tough on the run. If the Ravens can get an early lead, they could grind it out and pull out a win. If Brady can find some time to throw, and they make a good game plan, and snag a couple of early turnovers, Ravens go home. The Ravens have already played the toughest AFC defense in the playoffs (Texans), so they will move the ball. The Pats are surprisingly good at stopping teams from scoring, when they have to.

The Ravens have played exactly ONE team, all year, with any kind of a high powered offense, the Chargers. And they lost 34-14. They barely beat the Browns 20-14. Joe Flacco is not Joe Namath, fu manchu mustache or not.

Pick: Pats by 14.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION DIVISION Weak VI WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

Niners couldn't lose this one!

The Doormat Division Weak VI Wrap-Up and Disposal-

It all comes down to this…how can you tell your team is really a Doormat, or just mediocre? Here at the Doormat Division we have many yardsticks, most of them broken and strewn about the garage, underneath the old tires and the tin cans full of rusty bolts and nails, but they still do the job. Wackoworld welcomes suggestions from the league on their yardsticks, too.

Yardstick #1- Never win two in a row.

Yardstick #2- If the other team adjusts to whatever you were doing that worked- if something worked- don’t adjust to them, just keep banging your head against the wall long after it was effective. Because it’s the only play you’ve GOT.

Yardstick #3- Run the Brownie Bomb at least 4 times a game: this is the ‘long hand-off’ screen pass to your wideout about 3 yards behind the line of scrimmage that never works and usually results in a loss, a ball that skips out of bounds or just rockets over the entire bench on the sideline. This is a sure sign you’ve given up on having a real offense.

Yardstick #4- go 1 or 2 quarters every game where you don’t complete a pass.

Yardstick #5- go backwards on three straight plays twice in a game. sack, penalty, penalty after play was over, ball snapped over head, missed blocking assignment…U-pick.

Yardstick #6- Your team gets penalized on two straight punt attempts, and you end up punting 3 times, and the final punt is a shank, or is returned for a touchdown.

Yardstick #7- you never capitalize on a turnover. Ever.

Yardstick #8- you have trouble scoring in the red zone, sure, but you never get a touchdown from OUTSIDE the red zone.

I’m sure if I dig around the garage, I can find a few more, but it’s on to the results:

0-for-Niners 17, Raydurz 9

This was the marquee game of the week, and it didn’t disappoint. Alex Smith did NOT commit a turnover, though there were multiple missed opportunities off tipped passes, the Smith trademark. He still stunk out the first half, and Candlestink park was rocking with back-up David Carr’s name. Remember, this is the guy who was a major bust for 5 years in Houston. Gotta love it. But, Raydur QB Jason Campbell went 2 quarters (see above) without completing a pass, and the only Raydur play (see above)- pass over the middle to Zach Miller- was taken away, and they didn’t have another play, so 3 Seabass field goals takes care of Raydur Nation scoring for the day. The Niners finally scored a touchdown from outside the red zone (see above) for the first time this year, and Frank Gore got his rumble going, and the Raydurz had nothing to respond with, except some fake skulls and crossbones and guerrilla masks (??). Niners no longer among the un-victorious elite. Such as shame, since the Pansies are up next.

Pansies 0, Nils 0

Okay, this game didn’t happen, but since our two Perfect teams both had the week off, I had to do something. This week’s lows just aren’t going to be the same.

Cheeps 31, Texans 35

Cheeps are getting too many yards and points, but they ARE losing, now, at least. Jury is out on these guys.

Cows 21, Vikes 24

Cows may ultimately be Doormat pretenders, but wow let’s get them in there NOW, while the getting is good. They are doing it with killer penalties and interceptions, regularly out-gaining their opponents, such as the punchless Vikes, who really tried to hand this game to the Cows, but Cows don’t have hands. Moo.

Lambs 20, Bolts 17


This is pretty stunning. Maybe these ladies are the reason they are winning.



I am in stun mode. Set your Strat-o-matic to high, and knock over the entire team with one big buzz. Bolts not as good as the Lambs. Period. Break out the banquet beer in St. Louis. Oh, wait that’s Coors.

Brownies 10 Steelers 28

Brownies start Colt McCoy, and that’s the news. Wonder how many Brownie Bombs they ran?

Kittens 20 Giants 28

Detroit could be 3-3. But they’re NOT. 5 fumbles (lost two), 1 interception, 11 penalties, a real BUMBLEFEST out there at the Meadowlands, or whatever it’s called nowadays. Why punt when you can just BOOT the ball?

Everybody else that’s supposed to be in the Cellar has a winning record, and that’s just wrong, so I’m not writing about them. However, one must keep their eye on the Bears, who may never win another game, and the TampaBums, who don’t score.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 6 TampaBums

First Downs: 10 Raydurz

Total yards: 179 Raydurz

Passing: 69 Raydurz

Rushing: 42 TampaBums

Total punts: 18 Seahags-Bears (this game must have stunk)

Penalties: 11-143 Niners (this year’s high!)

Turnovers: 3 Brownies, Jets, Kittens

aaaaaAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!