THE DOORMAT DIVISION DIVISION Weak VI WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

Niners couldn't lose this one!

The Doormat Division Weak VI Wrap-Up and Disposal-

It all comes down to this…how can you tell your team is really a Doormat, or just mediocre? Here at the Doormat Division we have many yardsticks, most of them broken and strewn about the garage, underneath the old tires and the tin cans full of rusty bolts and nails, but they still do the job. Wackoworld welcomes suggestions from the league on their yardsticks, too.

Yardstick #1- Never win two in a row.

Yardstick #2- If the other team adjusts to whatever you were doing that worked- if something worked- don’t adjust to them, just keep banging your head against the wall long after it was effective. Because it’s the only play you’ve GOT.

Yardstick #3- Run the Brownie Bomb at least 4 times a game: this is the ‘long hand-off’ screen pass to your wideout about 3 yards behind the line of scrimmage that never works and usually results in a loss, a ball that skips out of bounds or just rockets over the entire bench on the sideline. This is a sure sign you’ve given up on having a real offense.

Yardstick #4- go 1 or 2 quarters every game where you don’t complete a pass.

Yardstick #5- go backwards on three straight plays twice in a game. sack, penalty, penalty after play was over, ball snapped over head, missed blocking assignment…U-pick.

Yardstick #6- Your team gets penalized on two straight punt attempts, and you end up punting 3 times, and the final punt is a shank, or is returned for a touchdown.

Yardstick #7- you never capitalize on a turnover. Ever.

Yardstick #8- you have trouble scoring in the red zone, sure, but you never get a touchdown from OUTSIDE the red zone.

I’m sure if I dig around the garage, I can find a few more, but it’s on to the results:

0-for-Niners 17, Raydurz 9

This was the marquee game of the week, and it didn’t disappoint. Alex Smith did NOT commit a turnover, though there were multiple missed opportunities off tipped passes, the Smith trademark. He still stunk out the first half, and Candlestink park was rocking with back-up David Carr’s name. Remember, this is the guy who was a major bust for 5 years in Houston. Gotta love it. But, Raydur QB Jason Campbell went 2 quarters (see above) without completing a pass, and the only Raydur play (see above)- pass over the middle to Zach Miller- was taken away, and they didn’t have another play, so 3 Seabass field goals takes care of Raydur Nation scoring for the day. The Niners finally scored a touchdown from outside the red zone (see above) for the first time this year, and Frank Gore got his rumble going, and the Raydurz had nothing to respond with, except some fake skulls and crossbones and guerrilla masks (??). Niners no longer among the un-victorious elite. Such as shame, since the Pansies are up next.

Pansies 0, Nils 0

Okay, this game didn’t happen, but since our two Perfect teams both had the week off, I had to do something. This week’s lows just aren’t going to be the same.

Cheeps 31, Texans 35

Cheeps are getting too many yards and points, but they ARE losing, now, at least. Jury is out on these guys.

Cows 21, Vikes 24

Cows may ultimately be Doormat pretenders, but wow let’s get them in there NOW, while the getting is good. They are doing it with killer penalties and interceptions, regularly out-gaining their opponents, such as the punchless Vikes, who really tried to hand this game to the Cows, but Cows don’t have hands. Moo.

Lambs 20, Bolts 17


This is pretty stunning. Maybe these ladies are the reason they are winning.



I am in stun mode. Set your Strat-o-matic to high, and knock over the entire team with one big buzz. Bolts not as good as the Lambs. Period. Break out the banquet beer in St. Louis. Oh, wait that’s Coors.

Brownies 10 Steelers 28

Brownies start Colt McCoy, and that’s the news. Wonder how many Brownie Bombs they ran?

Kittens 20 Giants 28

Detroit could be 3-3. But they’re NOT. 5 fumbles (lost two), 1 interception, 11 penalties, a real BUMBLEFEST out there at the Meadowlands, or whatever it’s called nowadays. Why punt when you can just BOOT the ball?

Everybody else that’s supposed to be in the Cellar has a winning record, and that’s just wrong, so I’m not writing about them. However, one must keep their eye on the Bears, who may never win another game, and the TampaBums, who don’t score.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 6 TampaBums

First Downs: 10 Raydurz

Total yards: 179 Raydurz

Passing: 69 Raydurz

Rushing: 42 TampaBums

Total punts: 18 Seahags-Bears (this game must have stunk)

Penalties: 11-143 Niners (this year’s high!)

Turnovers: 3 Brownies, Jets, Kittens

aaaaaAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!