Predictions Week III: That sinking feeling

Week III and some teams are starting to list to port and take on water, Buffalo and Oakland to name a few. No Titanics yet, but we expect the Giants to get a torpedo below the water line this weekend. 

And speaking of ships underwater, hey, Doormat game of the week is the first game: Brownies vs Jets! At this point the Brownies are, for the last four seasons: 3-13, 1-15, 0-16, 0-1-1, for a combined 4-1-44. I don't think any losing streak can touch that, especially since we can expect at least 5-1-10 this year. Imagine, 54 losses in four years.

What does that mean for the Jets? After all, they are on the classic slide of first round pick gets put in a game too soon, plays well, they win, everyone gets excited, and then the new guy leads them to five consecutive defeats. 

So the Brownies have their work cut out for them! Even Vegas is picking them by 3 points. Not this Oracle. 

Browns- 21

Jets- 24 (OT)

Packers- 36

Redskins- 3

Bills- 6

Vikings- 42

Colts- 21

Eagles- 17

Raiders- 28

Dolphins- 31

Giants- 12

Texans- 17

(Stiff of the week)

Titans- 14

Jaguars- 36

Cowboys- 10

Seahawks- 7

(Boy this will be a stinker)

Bears- 24

Cardinals-12

Patriots- 28

Lions-10

And the Oracle has spoken!

Gentlemen, make your predictions.

CLEVELANDS in DANGER OF WINNING A GAME

LOOK OUT WORLD 

HERE THEY COME AGAIN!!

If you can't get excited for tonight's Thursday Night Doormat Gold game, you need to find a new brand of beer to spill on the carpet.  We're melting the American cheese and straining our wrists opening jars of jalapeños, while 'Fish is dragging in the 10 pound bag of chips from the Ranchero, fending off the possum, all so we can sit down on the orange duct tape couch and watch this bomber unfold. 

The Browners are in SERIOUS jeopardy of winning a game. This could be IT, Cleveland. Of course if could be the "why didn't we draft Sam Darnold, again?" game.  If the Clevelands can get past the Jets for one more platinum plated loss, we predict they get in the win column, in Oakland, on September 30th.  We can dream, can't we?

See you on the flipside, Basement Bums!

-wacko

FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS and daBARES!

FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS

We're only listing teams with NO wins, until the levee breaks.

SEAHAGS 17,  daBARES  24,

Nothing like a killer pick six out by the sidelines to wrap up a game! Seahags appear to have what it takes for a losing record, but can they lose 10?  Bears DE Kahlil Mack harasses Seattle QB Russel Wilson all day, and for some reason the Raiders have no pass rush at all.  So strange.  Raiders coach Gruden said yesterday that 'players have to step up.'  If they step up anymore, they'll be offsides. As bad as the Bears may ultimately be, this game was a crucial Doormat contest.  The Seahags won.


DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Seattle          0-2           41      51        -10

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 2
Playing by the Cardinal Rules!!

Another week of bumbling football is in the books, Doormat Denizens, and some clarity has been achieved.  Our two favorites for NFC and AFC champs, after only two weeks, are: the Arizona Cardinals and the Biffalo Buffs! Both teams already have point differentials over -50, and we don't see why, in at least the case of the Cards, that they can't get to -100 by week 5. Both teams are Puntastic, and should have their defenses gassed by the middle of the 2nd quarter in most games.

Let's take a look at the standings:

DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Chicago        0-1          23       24        -1     

Seattle          0-1           24      27        -3

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5

The Bears and the Seahags face off tonight, so, barring a third tie in the season already, one of those teams will be saddled with a win.

THE GAMES

CARDINALS 0,  ANYBODY ELSE 34
Ok, so it was the Rams yesterday.  But you can throw anybody out on that field against the Crudinals, and they're going to look like Super Bowl contenders. 5 first downs and 137 total yards for the Cruds. 8 punts! And a defense that allowed 8-15 3rd down conversions for the Rams. Total team effort.

RrrrrrrAIDERS 19, BRONCOS 20
0-2 and looking like this year's FADERS, Oakland pulls off another face-plant, this time by getting the Broncos into position for the winning FG with loose change left on the clock.  If they can lose to the Dolphins next week, look out.

Fun fact: 88% of teams that lose their first two games do not make the playoffs.  Time to set new goals!

LIONS 27,  49ERS 30,
Looks like someone ran that stat by the Lions just a little too late yesterday.  The Kitties sport sabotage at almost every position, and their timing of various gaffes makes a Mission:Impossible script look plausible.  SF QB Jimmy Garoppolo tried to throw the game-killer pick-six (well, first down at the 6) late in the 4th, but the Lions delivered a pointless defensive hold to blot that baby out.

BILLS 20, CHARGERS 31
Not even the Chargers can do a collapse, or a tank, or a futile comeback against the formidable Nils.
0-2 and rolling.  Next shellacking @ Vikings.

BUCS 27,  EAGLES  21
Ryan Fitzpatrick (144.4 rating) and the Bucs are supposed to be 0-2 right about now.  OOPS!

BROWNIES 18,  SAINTS 21
Browns Kicker Zane "Waivers" Gonzalez missed two field goals (one at the very end for the tie) and two extra points.  Someone had to step up and plant a foot, or the Browns would have won this game.
Brownouts will have a new kicker by next week, so they'll have to find another way to lose against the Jets.  Do they serve "Underdogs" at the concessions in Cleveland?  Definitely comes with no mustard.

WASHINGTONS 9,  COLTS 21
Alex Smith or not, keep an eye on the Washingtons.  There's a lot of losing to do in this league, and someone has to be man enough to accept the challenge.

JETS 12,  DOLPHINS 20
Remember Ryan Tannehill?  The Jets sure remember him now.  Jets QB Sam Darnold comes down to earth with two INTs.  Jets fumbled 4 times, though losing only one.  Gotta work on that.  Fumble harder!  Dolphins 2-0 and early exiters from the Basement.  But...let's just wait and see.

PATS 20, JAGUARS 31
The Jags scoring 31 points is enough to get anybody concerned for their health.  If Tom Brady gets an owie and misses 5-6 games, the Pats could lose 10.

TEXANS 17, TITANS 20
How bad are the Texans?  Blaine Gabbert WON a game as Titans QB.   Texans defense figured he'd just FALL OVER on his own, that shoelaces thing, so they kept the QB hits down to a manageable 2.  Less bruises to treat after the game.  Get to your car quicker.

VIKINGS 29, PACKERS 29 (OT)
With TWO ties already in two weeks, this is looking like the Year of the Parity Division.  Look for 8-7-1 and 7-8-1 in your team's future.

GIANTS 13, COWBOYS 20
Giants 0-2 and huge game against the Texans next week.  We'll know what's what after those gridiron heroics.

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS
Bears are FAVORED to win this game, which is....uh....Seahags just might be elbowing their way into the basement REAL SOON.

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

Predictions Week Deux: Reality Bites

Nathan Petermen puts on a historic Doormat performance in just a few snaps. Here he tries to review the play he just botched while getting sacked by the Ravens. Nathan, ya gotta read the play BEFORE the snap.

Whoa, the Bungles already played...and WON!  The Oracle therefore predicts Ravens 23, Bengals 34.

And now for some actual predictions. In Week I we saw a lot of surprise performances, and even some big wins by our Doormats, but this week reality will sink in like a 6 penny nail through the sole of your Red Wing boots. Ouch.

But before we spin the frozen turkey and make our predictions, a quick list of the 5 worst quarterback performances of Week I (from worst worst to 5th worst):

1. Ben Rothlisberger (because he should be a lot better than just OK)
2. Derek Carr (he is hearing ghost elephants behind the pocket. I can't make fun of that)
3. Matthew Stafford (Four interceptions. Doormat gold. Kittens are baaack)
4. Nathan Petermen, passer rating, “0” (Look for sacrificial lamb on Wikipedia and you see a photo of him taking a snap). Bills made a strong statement in week one: “We will make only bad decisions this season.”
5. Jimmy Garoppolo- The honeymoon might be over. The win streak definitely is.

And the predictions....

Colts- 12
Redskins- 14
Game of the week! Oh, oh, Skins might be 2-0.

Texans- 21
Titans- 17

Eagles - 36
Buccaneers- 12
Sorry, Ryan, reality is coming like a brick wall.

Dolphins- 10
Jets- 36
D'Arnold says, “I’ll be back.”

Chargers- 42
Bills- 7

Browns- 15
Saints- 33
1-1-33, wow

Lions- 16
49ers- 17
This one is worth watching. A game no one will appear to want to win

Raiders- 14
Broncos- 21
Did not think Raiders would be a doormat this year, but plunk, here they are.

Giants- 14
Cowboys- 17
Stinker of the week!

Seahawks- 24
Bears- 17
A team that might be a doormat defeats a team that is a doormat.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 1 WRAP-UP

AND....THEY'RE OFF!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION 2018-19 SEASON BEGINS!!

We tried.  We really did.  Me and 'Fish, the two guys that write this here blog, decided it was time to retire the Doormat Division.  Mostly because we both got real jobs now, and we have to get to work by at least 10:30.  Even if it's raining, or if the car needs gas.  So, that was fine until we told our wives that we wouldn't be down in the Basement anymore.  Being around the house more was met with, um, it was not...ah...it wasn't...

WEEK 1 STANDINGS

NFC            W-L          PF       PA

Detroit         0-1            17        48  

Santa Clara  0-1            16       24

Arizona        0-1            6         24

Chicago       0-1            23       24

Dallas          0-1             8        16

Giants         0-1             15       20

AFC            W-L       PF         PA

Buffalo         0-1          3           47

Las Vegas     0-1         13          33

Chargers       0-1        28           38

Indy              0-1        23           34

Tennessee     0-1        20           27

Cleveland     0-0-1     21           21

THE GAMES

We really ARE having to work, so we are keeping it simple this week, and until such time that we get fired.  Stay tuned.

BROWNIES 21,  STEELERS 21

Browns carefully working up to preparing for the possibility of the chance that at some point a victory could be achieved.  Let's not be hasty. Mission accomplished.

RAIDERS 13,  RAMS 33

Coach Gruden handed out Raider History pamphlets to the entire roster and told them to appreciate the Raider legacy and character of the franchise.  And it pays off with 15 penalties for 155 yards! Now that's Raider football.  Gruden himself made brilliant half-time adjustments and Raiders gain only 17 yards in the 2nd half, while giving up 20 points.  This team is in the Basement now, and hasn't left yet.  Curse of Chuckie living on the sidelines and in the locker room.

LIONS 17,  JETS 48

Keep an eye on this club. 4 interceptions, zero defense, Matt Stafford gets clobbered all day, and Doormat Hall of Fame QB Matt Cassel got into the game (and got an INT!).  Jets cover as a Doormat team is blown. Sam Darnold did one Doormat play, his first (pick-six), and then decided that was enough of that B.S.  

COLTS 23,  BENGALS 34

The Bengals are 100-1 to get to the Super Bowl.  The Colts ignored all that.

BILLS 3, RAVENS 47

The Bills should be the Moldy Carpet Champs this year.  They have no QB.  Really. They just hike to ball into space. 153 yards of total offense. Gonna be a long long LONG winter in Buffalo.

CARDINALS 6,   WASHINGTON 24

Over on the NFC side, this team looks like the Nils opponent in the Doormat Bowl in January.  

WHINERS 16, VIKINGS 24

If they hadn't made so many mistakes, they would have won!  Santa Clara QB Jimmy Garappolo still has a cool name.  He also has three INTs already.  Zip it in there, Jimmy!  No, not there!

TITANS 20,  FINS 27

The Titanics could challenge.  Despite a football game breaking out in the 4th quarter, the Titans and Fins were grinding out a 10-3 stiff up to that point. Let's not lose track of either of these teams just yet.

CHARGERS 28, CHIEFS 38

I have a soft spot in my heart for the Chargers. They're the best at almost winning in the entire NFL.

This time they made a Futile Comeback, instead of the Complete Collapse.  What will it be next week?

GIANTS 15,  JAGS 20

It wasn't pretty.  And it's not supposed to be.  Jags-Giants is some seriously ugly football.  Giants snag the loss.  They lost 12 last year.  What's different?

BEARS 23, PACKERS 24
Wow, boy Howdy the Bears pulled of the epic Come From Ahead loss to top them all.  That'll deflate anybody's balls.  

COWBOYS 8,  PANTHERS 16

If you don't live in Texas, there is always the hope that the Cowboys will go 2-14.  Good start so far.

aaaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

Let’s get this season started!

The draft is done, the season is about to begin, the BarcaLounger is dusted, the ash tray has been emptied, we took out the trash from the Curse of Chuckie party, the beer is in the new fridge (at least it’s new from the yard sale down the street) and we Windexed the 128 inch screen here in the basement. Hot dogs. Check. Chips. Check. 

The Oracle from the Basement is ready for predictions Week 1!

Titans- 21

Dolphins- 10

An improved but still very suspect Titans team takes on a team that has not made a good decision in three years. History is about to catch up with Miami before reality catches up with Tennessee.

Buccaneers- 9

Saints- 42

A team many are picking to win it all this year (Saints) tunes up like Alabama vs. SW Kansas Community College. I can’t watch, but probably will.

Jaguars- 28

Giants- 13

500 yards on the ground for Jags. 15 minutes on the ground for Eli. It’s gonna be ugly.

Bengals- 24

Colts 21

Luck comes out of the chute looking good, but a fourth quarter fade gives the Bengals their first of three victories this season.

Steelers- 36

Browns- 21

A very suspect Steelers still finds a way to romp on the much improved Brownies. It will be tough for them to repeat as the Doormat Champions this year, but they still lose today. However, Steelers will be 9-7 this season.

Bills- 10

Ravens- 16

Two bad teams play a very bad game. Don’t watch.

Redskins- 14

Cardinals- 9

Doormat game of the week! Don’t miss this first great head-to-head Doormat contest of the season. Both of these teams could lose it all! But one has to win today.

Seahawks- 14

Broncos- 0

Seahawks will be under .500 this year, but Broncos will be under that. Yech.

Bears- 10

Packers- 42

Yeah, baby!

Lions- 17

Jets- 10

Another great head-to-head Doormat game and definitely worth the watch. Lions are bad every position but one, quarterback. Jets are bad at all of them until they put that rookie QB guy in there. But for now, 0-6 to start the season.

Rams- 28

Raiders- 32

Not a Doormat game. But gotta watch this one! Raiders will find a way because they really hate the Rams.

And that’s it for week one. Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Will it be a Doormat Super Bowl?

The free world is stunned. Heck, the whole world is stunned. There are doormat teams in both the AFC and NFC Conference Championship games. Is it possible? Could we have a Doormat Super Bowl?

True, the Vikings and the Jaguars are not exactly doormats this year, but they both have a checkered history of either horrific losing streaks or epic meltdowns just when it looks like they are about to climb to the top of the heap.

First, the magnificent MInnesota Vikings. It can be argued that they have fallen off more cliffs on the way to the top than any other team in history. The Vikings are a franchise that often fields and OK team, sometimes a great one, and provides just enough success to get their fans hopeful, even slightly confident, and then flaming out like a Russian test rocket in 1952. Boom! Here is a great article that details some of those epic moments: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-vikings-are-doom-dressed-up-as-hope/?ex_cid=538twitter.

Will they fall to the Eagles and dash the hopes of Minnesota again? Nah. They can't. If they win the NFL crown they will be playing in the Super Bowl AT HOME. Is there any better place to blow a 17 point lead and then end the game on a missed chip shot field goal? No. They will win and move to the big stage where they can sink their ship and be 0-5 in the big one. 

And the Jaguars. Can they beat the Patriots? Actually, considering that defense, yes. I know Vegas is giving the Patriots 8.5 points, but Vegas is nuts. This Oracle is calling the Jags on this one, 28-24. 

Yes, fans, this is going to be a Doormat Super Bowl.

The Oracle has spoken!

Doormats Drive into Brick Walls in Week 2 of Playoffs

I had this dream when I was in high school. Had it several times. I'm driving an orange 1972 El Camino at night on a long, straight blacktop in the Nevada desert. Moonlight paints the landscape. The Moody Blues flows from the 8-track: loud. I have the gas pedal down so far the ball of my foot is getting tired, and the 454 cubic inch V-8 is just banging away. It can be heard for miles in the silence.

A brick wall juts up from the road, like toast popping from a toaster. No time to react. I slam into the wall and I am catapulted from the seat (no seat belt), smash through the windshield, fly through the air, and obliterate my head against the wall. 

Boy, a good time can turn on you in a hurry.

Well, that's what it's going to be like for our Doormat teams in the playoffs this weekend.

First up, the inspired Tennessee Titans. A team Tony Dungey called, "The worst playoff team in a long time." Thanks, Tony. Tennessee rolls into a brick wall called Foxboro to play against a really angry Tom Brady. There is every reason to believe this game will be the blowout of the week. But us Doormat fans will be glued to our TVs as we pray for a miracle. We love it when one our our lowly teams clocks a giant.

Next the Jaguars and the Steelers. Jags not really a Doormat this year, but they just left the patio, so they are a Doormat of the playoffs. Defense is good. Offense is abysmal. Steelers are Steelers. 21-17 Steelers.

Finally, the Vikings verses the Saints. Both of these teams have some spectacular Doormat history, and some great seasons, but the Vikings have managed to blow more playoff and Super Bowl games than anyone. So this game is of great interest to our Doormat hearts. Will the Vikings do it again or wait for the Super Bowl so they can screw it up on the world's biggest stage: 0-5 and Kings of Super Bowl misery. That would be real Doormat panachce!

That's the report from the Oracle. Enjoy your cheese sauce and cheap beer, everyone!

Perfect Season Parade and the Kairse O' Chucky

Sorry, everybody, but you have to understand. It's been a busy week. It wasn't my fault...Las Vegas.  I was there to scout the Raiders new location. The last thing I remember is getting into the aubergine Lexus with dragging shredded muffler, 17 dents and windows that don't roll up.  I dimly remember the Dottie's 'casino', in a classy strip mall with no strippers and I passed ou- fell asleep in the back seat and I have no idea who those people were in the front seat, officer, and...never ride in a car where the windows don't roll up. It's so much harder to resist arrest. Well, all I can say is Clark County jail is very clean, and now I'm just clean as a whistle and the Commish was kind enough to not post my bail, so I'd learn a lesson. Here's what I learned: staying in jail for a couple days is a LOT different than Clark County online Traffic School. 

When I finally got back to the Basement, I find the Raiders completely trashing the place in a sort of Grüdenfest, which had been going on for 5 straight days. It's not often you have two 10-Club teams (Raiders/Niners) in the Basement partying like they're going to the Super Bowl. I can barely keep any cold beer on hand and the grill has been going like, 24 hours a day, burning anything they can find.  With this kind of action, who has time to write? 

ARRR!  RAIDERS ATTEMPT TO ERADICATE THE KAIRSE O'CHUCKY

Raiders owner Mark Davis is doing the right thing.  It doesn't matter if the Silver and Blacked Out go 0-16 next year. By bringing back Jon Gruden to coach the Raiders, the Curse Of Chucky* will be lifted, and the Las Vegas Raiders will be able to move on (literally) and just be another bumbling NFL franchise. Never mind that Davis, who started trying to get Gruden back the second the lid was sealed on his father's crypt, forgot to interview any minorities for the position, thereby probably violating the Rooney Rule and maybe the whole deal will get scuttled (how Raiders would THAT be? Only in bumbling. Raiders have solid record hiring minorities for coaching positions).  He finally got a coach -Jack Del Rio- to change the culture and win a few games, so that Gruden can show up and have an actual football team to work with. So, maybe- just maybe- the Raiders will get the hell out of our Basement. I gotta make another beer and pizza run....

[*The Curse of Chucky:  2003. Al Davis- 'then' owner (please, I'm sure he's still running the team as a looming specter over Mark's defiantly non-slicked back hairdo) fired Gruden after Gruden wasn't kissing Al's footballs in the right way.  Gruden was then hired by the Tampa Bay Bucs, who romped through the season, met the Raiders in the Super Bowl, and pulverized them in a game where Gruden's defense was calling all the Raider plays out at the line of scrimmage, including the audibles. It was just a little more than humiliating for old Al. Ever since that moment, the Raiders had the worst overall record in the league of any NFL franchise (until last year). ] 

CLEVELAND FOOD BANK RECEIVES $17,157 AND OVER $2,000 WORTH OF FOOD DONATIONS THANKS TO THE

The Perfect Season Parade.  Sounds like some bad joke on the city of Cleveland that maybe the Basement would cook up, right?  Cleveland did it right. Fans quite respectfully protested their team's ridiculously unmatchable ineptitude that you can't deny, and they raised $17,157 OVER the amount needed to put on the simple parade outside First Energy Field.

Chris McNeil, the Parade organizer, made sure the parade was respectfully frustrated and comic, yet something a real Browns fan could appreciate, and also handed over the huge wad of cash to the Cleveland Food Bank, while also driving over a few vans of donated food.  Cleveland is, clearly, a city that deserves better.  The Perfect Season 2.0 absolutely made more than lemonade out of this lemon of a season. The city has the right culture-  maybe the team can learn something.

Wanna see some highlights?  Click on the links below for highlights or video!

highlights:

HIghlights From the Perfect Season Parade (thescore.com)

the entire parade:

The Perfect Season Parade Video (cleveland.com)

DOORMAT PLAYOFF GAME FOR THE AGES

BILLS 3,  JAGS 10
Don't take my word for it. Take the facts. This was the lowest scoring, lowest yardage, worst bomb of a Wild Card game EVER played. There is NO competition. The Doormat Excellence meter blew up. The Bills even got QB Nathan "Prof. Turnover" Peterman into the game to throw an interception on the final drive, which, honestly, was a flourish of artistic proportions. The bets in Clark County lock-up were he'd do it in 1,2, or 3 throws. 3 was the winner. Where to start? Jags QB Blake Bortles had more yards rushing (88) than passing (87), yet it was the lowest rushing total ever for that dubious stat. The Jags were so bad, they won.  This is because the Bills weren't really fully realized life forms.

It was the lowest scoring Wild Card game ever.  It was the lowest total yardage Wild Card game ever.  17 Punts. In a playoff game. ESPN called the game 'almost unwatchable at times.'  AT TIMES?  You could measure the 'watchable' sections in milliseconds, but only if you were a millisecond. The Bills had ONE exciting play, and it was nullified by a penalty. We just had to sit back and admire the ugly beauty. It was like Waiting for Godot. It was like John Cage's 4'33". It was...a Japanese rock garden,  without the rocks. One's gaze drifts up into the sky, looking for perhaps a bird...a cloud...a single balloon....

The Bills promptly fired their offensive coordinator, who is being held responsible for the fact that the Bills don't have a starting quarterback.  I kinda like Tyrod Taylor, but, ah, his aim is...if this were baseball he'd be batting .198, and would be playing for the Buffalo Bisons over at Coca-Cola field.

Well- at least they made the playoffs!

The Jags continue on to represent the Doormat Division and now face the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday.  When bands have a terrible sound check, they usually take that as a sign the show is gonna be awesome.  Go with that, Jags fans.  Run with it.  The Basement has your back.

aaaAAAaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!