FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS and daBARES!

FINAL WEEK 2 STANDINGS

We're only listing teams with NO wins, until the levee breaks.

SEAHAGS 17,  daBARES  24,

Nothing like a killer pick six out by the sidelines to wrap up a game! Seahags appear to have what it takes for a losing record, but can they lose 10?  Bears DE Kahlil Mack harasses Seattle QB Russel Wilson all day, and for some reason the Raiders have no pass rush at all.  So strange.  Raiders coach Gruden said yesterday that 'players have to step up.'  If they step up anymore, they'll be offsides. As bad as the Bears may ultimately be, this game was a crucial Doormat contest.  The Seahags won.


DOORMAT DIVISION
WEEK 2 

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-2           6         58       -52
Detroit          0-2          44       78       -34
Giants          0-2           28       40       -12

Seattle          0-2           41      51        -10

    

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Buffalo         0-2          23         78       -55

Oakland        0-2          32         53       -21
Houston        0-2          37        47       -10
Cleveland     0-1-1       39        42       -3
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

-wacko

BASEMENT REFS ARE THE REAL DOORMATS

It's only Week 4, and it's no contest:  The Replacement Refs are the cream de la creme of crummy.  These guys and gals are making hard for a decent lousy team to lose properly.   I've seen more head scratching, looooooong moments under the hood, blown calls, and helmet to helmet tackling than I've seen in years.   Admit it, at this point, every single flag that gets thrown, you assume it's debatable.  

Apparently, some of the refs that were FIRED by the Lingerie League for incompetence are now officiating NFL games.   I guess that tells us just how extensive the 'pool' for replacement refs is.

read more on that:

http://deadspin.com/5946112/the-lingerie-football-league-announces-that-it-fired-a-couple-crews-which-apparently-are-now-officiating-in-the-nfl-because-of-incompetence?popular=true

Of course,  there may have been some distractions in those contests.  

THE ODDS

Say, anybody notice that the Seahawks not only won, but covered the point spread?  Vegas estimates are the swing was anywhere from $150 million to $250 million on THAT GAME ALONE.  C'mon you're already thinking about refs throwing games- aren't you?   Pete Carrol can't believe his luck!   

"we....won? sure....yeah, great.  Let's get off the field."

Maybe they should take a cue from the Lingerie League, and at least make it harder to argue with the refs.  I can't see Bill Belichick body bumping this ref.   Not if his wife is watching.

But, you know, Justice IS Blind, so it's all in the spirit of fairness, the American Way.

OK, Week 4 is almost here, and get ready for the most bumbling weekend of them all.   But please, save your loudest BOOS for the men and women in stripes.  They've earned it.

-Wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 13 PREVIEW

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK THIRTEEN PREVIEW

Desperation Weekend is now in the rear-view mirror, but the fallout is still coming, like radioactive dandruff that glows in the dark. You know, I think there is a black-light somewhere down here in the basement. I’m gonna test that.

And the biggest batch of dandruff is the Jacksonville Jaguars, who went all the way- fired the coach and the owner sold the team! Now that’s what I call fed up! Without Del Rio at the helm, anything could happen in the last 5 games- including a victory. But don’t lose faith! The Gags could still run the table and lose them all. Couple this with the Colt’s decision to start Dan Orlovsky at QB this weekend, and who knows what we’ll be looking at in week 17 with the mammoth tilt between the Dolts and the Gaguars at EverEmpty Field- it could be for the Moldy Carpet and all that that implies.

So, hold onto your seats and kiss the playoffs goodbye, fans- it’s time for the Run to the Moldy Carpet!

TONIGHT:

Philadelphia Eagles (4-7) at Seattle Seahawks (4-7)

Geez, every time I turn around, the Pheebles are on Sunday, or Monday, or Thursday night football. Well, it IS fun to watch Michael Vick, or his clone, Vince Young, implode…or really any of their teammates. Andy Reid is still at the helm over there in Philly, so the mental lapses should just keep coming. But Pete Carroll, the man who sprinted to Seattle to hide in the clouds until the whole USC thing blew over, is dealing up in Mold City (thanks, Pete, for setting up the lame PAC-12 Championship game- Oregon vs UCLA, as the Bruins just fired their coach. How can you fire your coach and be in the champeenship? What is this, the Doormat Division??). I think the Pheebles have a bigger bomb up their sleeve this week.

EDGE: Pheebles

SUNDAY

Oakland Raiders (7-4) at Miami Dolphins (3-8)

The best lousy team in football against the Penalty Kings. The Floppers pretty much ended their chances at the Moldy Carpet after that blinding three game winning streak, but did come back with a last second loss last week, so don’t count them out yet.

EDGE: Floppers

St. Louis Rams (2-9) at San Francisco 49ers (9-2)

The 49ers may have forgotten how to score, and how to pass block, but this is the Lambs we’re talking about here. The “10” club is only a game away! Frank Gore, Kendall Hunter, and Ted Ginn will all get at least 1 big gainer. Lambs are the feel-good franchise…for everybody else.

EDGE: LAMBS

Kansas City Chiefs (4-7) at Chicago Bears (7-4)

The Bears lost in a hail of field goals last week (6 by Janikowski), but despite their QB problems, the Cheaps have all the aces: Tyler Palko gets the start, after his phenomenal 3 interceptions in 3 plays run in the first half last week. Kyle Orton represents the guy the fans are calling for. What a doormat spectacle that is.

EDGE: Cheaps

Denver Broncos (6-5) at Minnesota Vikings (2-9)

If the Yikings are really serious about taking the NFC Doormat trophy, and they’ve gotta be wondering what they have to do to get past the Lambs, this game is crucial. The leading rushing team in the league (Buncos) runs into the 9^th best rushing defense. Losing to the Broncos takes ingenuity, ineffectiveness, atrocious secondary play, and a real talent for blowing the game after taking the lead. Sounds like my Yikings! Look for Tebow to complete 3 huge passes , out of the 7 he will actually throw.

Also look for him to run right over the clown act that passes for a secondary for the Yikes. Another “10” club member this weekend.

EDGE: Yikings

Carolina Panthers (3-8) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)

The Pansies beat the Dolts last week for their first road win in 2 years. They just had no chance. The Bootineers are on a 5-game roll, and have been flying under the Doormat radar the whole time. Almost. QB Josh Campbell is proving, once again, that he can throw the killer interception at any time, and he’s got WR Preston Parker ready to fumble away any reception when the INT doesn’t materialize. Between these two guys, who needs anybody else to lose a game? Pansies in serious danger of winning two on the road.

EDGE: Buccanneers.

NY Jets (6-5) at Washington Redskins (4-7)

The Jets survived desperation weekend, and so did the Deadskins, getting completely deked by the Seahags up in Mold City. There is no chance the Deadskins will win two in a row.

EDGE: Deadskins

Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots

Dan Orlovsky starts for the Colts. This man, I’m sure, wants to be the guy that wins at least one game for the Dolts, because he started 7 for the 0-16 Lions in 2008. He has serious, serious motivation. It’s not going to help here, but I say he gets it done in week 17 against the Jags.

EDGE: Dolts

Baltimore Ravens (8-3) at Cleveland Browns (4-7)

The Ravens lived in the 49ers backfield last week. The Brownies will be holding an open house in their backfield on Sunday.

EDGE: BROWNIES

Detroit Lions (7-4) at New Orleans Saints (9-3)

Only one game difference between these two teams in the loss column, but they are oceans apart right now. The Kittens are going to struggle to win 8 games, with only the Yikings and Chargers giving them a shot. Knucklehead Suh is suspended for two games (Art Shell is ‘hearing’ his appeal today, good luck with that), Matt Stafford is throwing it up for grabs, and the Kittens get to watch the team they want to be walk all over them.

EDGE: Kittens.

Dallas Cowboys (7-4) at University of Phoenix (4-7)

Cowboys exited the basement weeks ago, are trying win 5 straight, or, at least, SOBER, and the Crudinals are...well the Crudinals. They've won 3 of the last 4, but those victories were: the Lambs twice and the Pheebles. The old pros and newly disintegrating. So, they can't compete topside, and they're faltering in the Doormat as well. It's a double edged sword, mediocrity. An extremely dull sword, but forged in the fires of a campfire ring outside a hogan in the Monument Valley! However, QB Kevin Kolb, who nobody mistakes for Aaron Rodgers, returns to the lineup and gives the frantic John Skelton a breather. RB Beenie Wells ran for 228 yards last week, but that was because he was running through a herd of sheep. The Cowboys will ride into camp and scatter what's left of the campfire. But probably fall off their horse and get dragged around a little bit.

EDGE: Crudinals, but just barely.

MONDAY NIGHT

San Diego Chargers (4-7) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8)

Another marquee Doormat game on MNF! Monday Night Doormat! It’s kind of amazing, really. Abandoned by their owner, mired in mediocrity, the Gaguars play host to the biggest whiners in the NFL, led by the whiniest guy I know, Philip Rivers. Gags have even shot to lose this, but Rivers is really really throwing more than passes, he’s throwing games.

EDGE: Charger-its

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!!

The Doormat Division: NFL Week 12 "Desperation Weekend" Wrap Up

Desperation Weekend!

It’s over. The teams that didn’t REALLY want to be Doormats, but have been learning the art anyway, will have to change their sights and aim DOWNWARD from now to the end of the season. The teams that have been working for the Moldy Carpet Trophy now have 5 games to lock down the Andrew Luck Award. Are the Colts a lock? Can the Yikings catch them?

Holy Mackerel, where to start? Let’s start where it hurts the most:

Denver Broncos 16, San Diego Chargers 13 (OT)

The Basement is 100% on it’s picks for the weekend, except for this game, thanks to the Denver Buncos. Predicted to be a tie, the Buncos blow it by kicking a field goal with :29 seconds left in overtime…less than a half a minute away from the elusive eternal deadlock. You know the Buncos always find a way to irritate me. This is what I get for picking them as my team in the AFC for the Moldy Carpet. I can’t wait for the Raiders-Buncos rematch…but that’s not until next year, unless somehow these teams both get into the playoffs. And why not? The Charge-its fall to a ripe 4-7, and the Donkey-Buncos continue to ride the Tebow phenomenomenomenenom into the upper strastophere, arriving at 6-5. Even more scary is these guys, who are on helium, could win 4 out of their last 5 games and finish 10-6!!!! Somebody shoot me. Somebody shoot their balloon. Charge-its completely disintegrating and Norv Turner will be out of a job just as soon as they can get to the finish line. At least they wore the light blue suits.

Cincinatti Bengals 23, Cleveland Browns 20

They started blowing the Bunglonia Fog early yesterday, the pall over Paul Brown stadium that renders all teams unable to play a normal game. But now, with just enough offense, and just enough idiotic plays, the Bungles are winning- and our blank helmet band of Dawgs, the Brownies, are doing what they do best- blowing the game.

Raising the art of the muffed FG attempt to, well, an ART, the Brownies neutralize one of the best kickers in the league (Phil Dawson) by screwing up the hike or the hold yet again (2 times in 3 games!), this time with 1:51 left, and a chance to take the lead. These guys are pros.

Technically, neither of these teams have a logo on their helmets. It’s the Paul Brown legacy. But, until the Brownies put Chomps on their helmets, it’s the basement for these dawgs.

Washington Redskins 23, Seattle Seahawks 17

When you can have a fight break out during the coin toss, you know you’re in the Bonehead Forest. But, never count Pete Carroll out of a Doormat Duel. Ever. With 12 minutes left in the 4^th quarter, the Seahags had only 15 first downs, just barely over 200 yards of offense, but were AHEAD 17-7 against the Basement Barnstormers, the Deadskins. Slamming on the brakes and shoving it into reverse, the Hags surrender 16 points faster than you can say “is that another Starbucks?” and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The Deadskins have their loss string snapped at 6 games, despite racking up 2 interceptions, 10 penalties for 115 yards, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and missing an extra point. That’s not enough against the Hags.

Atlanta Falcons 24, Minnesota Vikings 14

The Yikings check in with the worst overall stats for a team that lost yesterday (see the Houston Texans), 12 first downs, 226 yards of total offense, and doing nothing with their first 6 possessions, except going mostly backwards, and punting with impunity. The Falcons don’t play doormat ball, but, just to make things fun, threw in a 6-yard punt in the 4^th quarter, easing the Yikes into the endzone, so they ended up with a 2 touchdown game. Yikes keep the pressure on the Lambs, tied for the NFC Doormat lead at 2-9.

Go Yikes!

Arizona Cardinals 23, St. Louis Rams 20

What a Doormat battle this was. 4 fumbles, 2 interceptions, 12 punts, a missed FG, and an ability to get rid of the ball faster than any other teams in the league. 15 possessions alone for the Lambs, averaging a Doormat Gold 18 yards per possession. Crudinal QB John Skelton did what could, sliding into the finish with a 30 QB rating on the day, but it’s not enough against the Lambs, who can lie down on Broadway, or anywhere you like, better than anybody in the NFC. The Lambs are tops at redemption for the other team’s goats. This time it was for Beenie Wells, whose fumble led to the Lambs tying TD in the 4^th quarter. On the next possession, the Lambs rip open the line, and Wells trots for 53 yards (228 total for the game), setting up the game-winning FG. Lambs also punt 7 times, and it was enough as Crud’s returner Patrick Peterson snags his 4^th punt return for a TD this year. If you haven’t gotten a huge long gainer yet this season, check your schedule for a game with the Lambs, and circle it. You’re in.

Carolina Panthers 27, Indianapolis Colts 19

Where else could the Carolina Pansies finally win a road game (2 years since the last one)? Folks need to stop taking so many pictures of the helpless Peyton Manning on the sidelines. This is Chris Painter’s, and the entire Dolt defense’s, moment of glory.

0-11, and safely past one of the last remaining obstacles to a perfect season, the Dolts have only the Gaguars left on the schedule to worry about. Will we see Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, next week? The Basement is on the edge of it’s tattered orange couch.

Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Kansas City Cheaps 9

This game had everything. 1 touchdown. The classic opening field goal followed by utter futility (three straight turnovers!!). Zero trips to the red zone for the Cheaps. Ultra-green QB Tyler Palko cannot get under the bar set by John Skelton, but still comes in with a very respectable Doormat QB rating of 40.9. Better luck next week Tyler. To be fair, the young man actually looks like he might play well someday, should he play for a team that bothers to develop quarterbacks. Somebody resurrect Lamar Hunt, so he can fire Todd Haley. But not too soon! The Cheaps are on a serious roll, and can still finish 4-12. They’re going to make the “10” club, at least. The Cheaps make no trips to the red zone and still have not had a touchdown drive from inside their own 20 in about 45 possessions. So, quite literally, all you have to do with these guys is just keep pinning them inside their 20, and score one toucdown and toss in a field goal, and that’s the ballgame. Arrow-thru-the–head Stadium was a pow-wow of boos yesterday. It’s music to the Basement. Cheaps victories have come against the Dolts, the Yikes, the Charge-its, and the Raydurz on the day Carson Palmer joined the team and he and Kyle Boller had no idea where anybody was (the six interception doozy). These guys are really really really so much worse than their record.

New England Patriots 380, Philadelphia Eagles 20

DeDrop Jackson muffs two TD catches, the Pheebles are the most undisciplined team in the league, and Andy Reid is steering this team with all the focus and attention of teenager in chemistry class at 8am the morning after smoking 15 bong hits, drinking 7 mountain dews, and playing Call of Duty until 5am. Like the Nils, the Pheebles are masters of piling up useless yardage (466) and really having no shot at winning the game.

If this guy cannot get fired (doesn’t anybody that runs that franchise read what this guy says every week?), it means the the whole team, from top to bottom, is on the same page, and that’s shooting for a 10 loss season, and a total plummet into oblivion next year. Watch this team dismantle completely. What a show.

Houston Texans 20, Jacksonville Jaguars 13

How do you get only 9 first downs, 215 total yards, punt 10 times, play your 3^rd string QB, and win a game? Play the Jacksonville Gaguars! A 19 punt game, tying last week’s Lambs-Seahags Punt-a-thon, the Gaguars stay out of the red zone, and score their only TD on a fumble return at the start of the game. Another quiet afternoon at Sea Of Teal Empty Seat Stadium. The Texans have 17 possesions, and average 12.6 yard per possession, punting the last 7 times they had the ball. There were 11 straight punts to start the 2^nd half. They should have just erected a net at the 50 yard line and had the cheerleaders play volleyball.

New York Jets 28, Buffalo Bills 24

I want to feel sorry for the Nils, but I just can’t. They’re back in the basement, just barely, at 5-6, but they deserve it. I saved this one for last because I want to give the Doormat MVP of Week 12 to Buffalo wide receiver Steve Jackson. You want Bonehead Forest? Here it is: Jackson catches a TD pass from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and performs an end zone dance that included pretending to shoot himself in the leg- a glaring dig at Plaxico Buress on the Jets sideline. Penalty! The Nils have to kick off from about the 3 yard line, botch the line drive kick, it bounces off a Jet, and the Jets recover at the Buffalo 35 yard line. 4 plays later, guess who catches a TD pass for the Jets? Plaxico. Isn’t Plaxico a Venezuelan oil company? Not done yet with his MVP performance, Jackson and company manage to drop about 15 passes on the day, and Jackson tops it off with a WIDE-OPEN drop on Buffalo’s final drive that had TD written all over it, which would have won the game. Way to go, STEVE!!! Nils lose the most desperate game on Desperation Weekend. Time to shift gears, guys.

THIS WEEKS NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points: 6 49ers

First downs: 9 Texans

Yards: 170 49ers

Rush: 53 Packers

Pass: 96 49ers

Sacked: 9 49ers

3^rd dwn conv: 1-9 Dolts

Turnovers: 4 Cheaps

Penalties: 10-115 Deadskins

Punts: 10 Texans

Avg poss: 12yds Texans

aaaaAAAAAAAnd THATS the View from the BASEMENT!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 10 WRAP-UP and Dinner Cereal

PERFECTION!

Jaguars 17, Colts 3

The Dolts and the Gaguars started this game with a bang yesterday- dueling interceptions. The Dolt’s Chris Painter hurls an interception on the third play of the game, setting up the Gaguars at the Indy 18 yard line. No problem- the Gaguars retaliated immediately, with QB Blaine Gabbert gift wrapping an INT on the very next play. The crowd settled in..slumped might be the word. This week, though, the Dolts were only able to string together 4 punts in a row (still a league leading 60), which is pretty average, though they were able to toss in a punt reception interference call to set up the Gags in excellent field position for their first field goal. Dolts avoid scoring a touchdown.

The Gaguars, even with the bye week to get themselves unprepared, could not match the Dolts in this huge AFC South face-off. Putting together a long 16-play 86 yard drive in the 3^rd quarter (gold star to Dolts for for illegal use of hands penalty on 3^rd and 11 sack of Gabbert, keeping drive alive), was really out of character. In a game like this, holding the ball for more 5-6 plays is really kind of gauche. The Dolts only got the ball 4 times in the entire second half, but made hay with those, with the gold medal going to the fumble at their 8-yard line with 4:48 left in the 4^th. The Gags fell into the endzone, and the Dolts get past the only real threat to their quest for the perfect season and the Moldy Carpet trophy (which is curing now in the store room here in the basement- don’t go in there). 0-10 and looking unbeatable..unwinnable..un…the Dolts now have a 2 ½ game lead on Miami, who are clearly losing their way, winning two weeks in a row.

The Bonehead Forest!

Rams 13, Browns 12

It was an exciting morning at the Brownie Bake-Sale, what with the new line of Chomps Dinner Cereal laid out, smorgasborg-style, on the Basement bar. I tried them all, but I think my favorite was ‘leftovers.’ Tasted very realistic. Also good was ‘regular,’ which, I’m pretty sure, is ‘dog food.’ Ever see that Jane Fonda movie where she feeds her cat, and then licks the spoon? Oscar performance moment.

And speaking of dog food, the Brownies utilize their kicking game again to go for the loss, and THIS TIME it worked, shanking a field goal from point blank range with 2 minutes to go to pull out the loss against one of the most formidable opponents in the Doormat. The Brownies are like beginning piano students- they can’t repeat something simple more than 4 times without screwing up. Here’s their drives for the game:

punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt……MISSED FIELD GOAL!! Wait, let me try that again!

This was a one-touchdown kind of game, and the Lambs got it early, at the top of the second quarter. Both teams did as little as possible in the 2^nd half. Lambs have now won 2 games, and fall into a tie with the Carolina Pansies (and most likely the Yikings after tonight) for first place in the NFC doormat.

THE REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Broncos 17, Chiefs 10

Tim Tebow throws 8 passes, completes 2 (one for a touchdown), the Buncos run the ball 237 times and the Cheaps have no answer for mediocrity. Except terrible coaching. That’s their answer for everything. The Cheaps descend to 4-5, and are exhausted from all that winning they had earlier this year. It’s going to be hard for either of these teams to really go on a losing tear, because the AFC West is all about sharing.

Cardinals 21, Eagles 17

I’m really not sure why we still keep picking the Pheebles to blow out bad teams. They ARE a bad team. And, let’s admit it, this is the most fun bad team to watch this year, because they went out and bought a bunch of pro-bowl free agents, had no training camp, and it’s 53 guys all on their own page of inflated over-confidence. It’s like the Miami Heat, except they’re really stinking up the joint. In Philly. Boo!!!

It takes some real planning to make the Crudinals look good, but 123 yards passing, a Sack-&-Fumble coupled with an INT on the next possession, a tidal wave of penalties (11), and a defense more porous than a baseball coach’s sunburned shnozz, the Pheebles had it all worked out. Pheebles whip off 8 punts, which ties them with Carolina (excellent company) for punting honors in Week 10. Pheebles have now blown 5 fourth quarter leads, which really puts them ahead of the Yikings for most stirring Come From Ahead losses.

They’ve got a spot right next to the Deadskin at the Bar now in the basement, and we really wish they were playing each other next week, just to settle who gets which stool, but we have to wait until Jan. 1^st to see who scrapes the bottom of the NFC East. Crudinals now 3-6 but only a game off the pace for first place in the Doormat NFC.

Seahawks 22, Ravens 17

Boy, the Ravens sure can play a crummy game, huh? Clearly looking past the Hags to next week’s big one against the Bengals, the Ravens blow their chance to take over the

AFC North, and the Seahags fall into a victory that they had not prepared for.

Titanics 30, Panthers 3

The Pansies have improved- they’re just plain losing now. Forget the shanked FG at the end of regulation. Just turn in a complete stinker and be done with it. Pansies tied for first in the Doormat NFC.

Dolphins 20, Redskins 9

The Deadskins bring back Rex Grossman from the scalp pile and throw him into the ocean, where the Floppers are waiting in sack formation. Deadskin coach Mike Shanahan loses 5 straight for the first time in his career, so we all recognize his determination and grit for Doormat glory. Floppers playing good ball, Deadskins not.

FAMILIAR FACES

Special shout-outs to the Detroit Kittens, who are starting to look real familiar, and the Buffalo Nils, who are really teetering on the edge of the Basement steps. Both got blown out yesterday and looked nothing like the teams that started off the season on fire.

Kudos, also, to the Tampa Bay Bucs, who crumbled to 4-5 yesterday, and looked every bit like the worst best worst team of Week 10…if you don’t count the Dolts…or the Brownies….or..nevermind.

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 10!

Points: 3 Pansies, DOLTS

First Downs 12 Buccaneers

Yards 212 Dolts

Rush 41 Saints

Pass 69 Denver (and the WON)

Turnovers 4 Buccaneers

Sacked 5 Dolts and 4 other teams

Punts 8 Pansies, Pheebles

Penalties 13-100 Seahags

avg.yard poss 17.6 Dolts

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 8 Par-tay!!

PARTY IN ST. LOUIS!!!!

St. Louis Rams 31, New Orleans Saints 21

You didn’t see that coming, did you? What was our prediction? 73-0? 222-0? Here’s what we all forgot: the Saints tend to play really poorly the week after they blow somebody out. And I mean. Cardinals win the World Series and the Lambs actually win a game. Averaging a blowout per game (28-9 average), the Lambs get in on the parade in St. Louis, dunk the Saints in the Big Muddy repeatedly, and Stephen Jackson runs right over the victory-addled Saints in a good old-fashioned beat-down upset. The throwback unis didn’t hurt either. Upset of the year so far. The Lambs lead for 39 minutes, which is 6 times as long as they’ve been ahead ALL SEASON. Nearly everybody took off for the Cardinals parade right after the game, but left a few deputized hard-core tailgaters to guard the scoreboard and make sure it was still 31-21 until well after midnight.

Job well done! The Lambs, er, Rams, now have 87 total points, ballooning their points average up to a gaudy 12.4, seriously jeopardizing their chances to break the record set by the amazing Atlanta Falcons of 1974 (7.9). They also leave the ranks of perfect records, leaving just the Dolts (0-8), Floppers (0-7) and some team called the Packers. They aren’t even in last place in the NFC Worst, for crying out loud. What kind of a league is this?

Baltimore Ravens 30, Arizona Cardinals 27

I’ll tell you what kind of league it is. It’s where you blow a 21 point lead, and you’re coach says “our guys believe in what we’re doing. If you look at the first half, it shows that if we do it the right way, we can be a good football team.” Uh-huh. A quarter here, a half there, pretty soon, you’ve compiled a WHOLE good football game. Crudinals come crashing to the front of the NFC Doormat lead. Guess who’s on the schedule for next week? The Lambs!!! It’s for all the marbles next week in the desert!! Be There.

Or be somewhere far away.

Perhaps by 'available', she means ready to take a few snaps.

Pulling a “Tebow”

Detroit Lions 450, Denver Buncos 10

Well, we were right. It’s Two Mile High stadium now, after the Buncos get blown Rocky Mountain High (man, that’s good sh-) by the kinda pissed off Detroit Lions. Tim Tebow gets mocked on the turf for prayers to the almighty for everything from soup to fumbles. Wanna take a knee? The Lions were only too glad to help- 7 sacks, 5 fumbles, a ‘pick-6’ and just a good old fashioned trouncing. Buncos back to losing big, like we know they can. Up next: the Headless Raiders. He’s heading into the belly of the beast! Get thee to a nunnery!!

WORST TEAM OF WEEK 8

Buffalo Bills 23 Washington Redskins 0

Hold on, you mean we have to CHOOSE? I’m going with the Washington Deadskins, who gave coach Mike Shanahan his first-ever shutout losing 23-0 to the Buffalo Bills, checking in with 10 first downs, NINE sacks, and 178 total net yards. In a close second were the Gaguars, who have 174 total yards, eight punts and nearly bored the Houston Texans to death. It kept them in the game. Deadskins back on the right side of losing, at 3-4.

The Rest of the Gods of Gawdawful

Minnesota Vikings 24, Carolina Panthers 21

They tried. They really did. The Yikings, Kings of the Come From Ahead Loss, had it all set up as time wound down yesterday, giving the Pansies multiple opportunities to pull out the win, but were thwarted from even sending it into overtime in order to lose there, as the Pansies have kicker Orlando Mare shank one from 3 feet away as time expired. And they did it at home! Ka-Blooey!! Honestly, this game was pretty darn fun to watch, both rookie quarterbacks look good, but that ending- the Pansies still are pulling out the deflating losses, no matter what. My Yikings fall to 2-6, and lose a chance to take the lead in the NFC. Grr.

Tennesee Titans 27, Indianapolis Colts 10

Dolts just keep on rolling, rolling…they just keep rolling alooooooooooong.

What’s going to keep this team from losing them all? Peyton Manning returning, which seems to be never, or the Gaguars who show up twice real soon, or the Pansies- who should trounce the Dolts, but…see above. Dolts have serious shot to go 0-16.

Philadelphia Eagles 34 Dallas Cowboys 7

Tony Romo shows Michael Vick who’s boss, and the Cowpies play their worst game of the year- and that’s not chopped liver. Time of possession 17:51- anything under 18 minutes is like never having the ball all day. That’s like taking Sunday off. Maybe run some errands, get a little yardwork done.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Seattle Seahawks 12

You want chopped liver? The Seahags are your team. Is there really such a thing as a Seahawk, or is that really just a grouchy seagull? I remember throwing chum off the back end of the ferry in the Puget Sound, and the seagulls circling and timing the catch amazingly perfect each time. It’s so pleasing to have a Seahawk catch something you’ve thrown………..not that it happened in Seattle yesterday. Actually, the Hags rang up 350 yards of passing, but shot themselves in the foot so many times in every other phase of the game that they had to play the last quarter driving those ‘retiree’ carts. It was the Jim Zorn Syndrome all over again. Seahags ‘improve’ to 2-5 and the 49ers clinch the NFC Worst.

NY Giants 20 Miami Dolphins 17

The Floppers should have won this game. But, if you’re a Flopper Fan, you can’t say that, because you’d be saying it every week, and people tend to start giving you extra space if you keep saying the same thing all the time. Floppers getting really good at blowing the game late. Still perfect after seven games, the Fish will be hard pressed to go 0-16, though, as bad as they may be. The Cheaps, the Deadskins, the Cowpies , the Pheebles, the Raiders and the Jets can all play a mean game of terrible on any given Sunday, so there’s going to be some more nailbiters like this one. Hang in there, Flopper fans, just be glad the Dolts don’t come to town.

San Francisco 49ers 20, Cleveland Browns 10

Brownies bring it under .500, at 3-4, and just can’t leave the Basement. It’s the orange couch, isn’t it? Make yourself comfortable guys. You have a defense, but still, after all these years, no offense.

THE BEST WORST STATS OF NFL WEEK 8!!!!

Points 0 Deadskins

Yards 174 Gaguars

Rush 26 Deadskins

Pass 90 Gaguars

3^rd dwn conv 2-14 Donkey-Buncos

Sacked 9 Deadskins

Turnovers 3 Donkey-Buncos (plus 1 int for TD!)

Punts: 8 Gaguars, Titans

Penalties: 12-92 Crudinals

Poss: 17:51 Cowpies

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK SEVEN SLUFGEST

The Doormat Division: Where You CAN Win for Losing

Browns 6, Seahawks 3

You can’t just show up in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake-Sale and expect to pick up an easy loss. Forget it. Don’t be fooled by that friendly pregame handshake between the coaches. They’re more malevolent than any Jim Harbaugh explicative and forearm shiver.

Faced with the real possibility of making it to .500, the Brownies do their utmost to position the Seahags for an easy early score and victory, pulling two 3 and outs to start the game, but the Hags counter with three of their own. Undaunted, the Brownies set up a perfect blocked field goal play, giving the Seahags the ball at their own 48 (they tried to let it roll farther, but finally had to down it). Unimpressed , Seattle counters with the most sure play in sports, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, with backup extraordinaire Charlie Whitehurst pulling off the play as best as can be expected from someone who has been on the sideline all year- perfectly. Brownies take over at midfield, take it to 4^th and 3, line up to punt, but Seattle is ready for this, and lines up offside for the classic bonehead dumb-f@*k play by a defense- the neutral zone infraction. You don’t have to burn a single calorie for that. FIRST DOWN- take that, Cleveland. Three more plays of ineptitude, and the Brownies can’t really punt from there, it’s just too obvious, so they have to try a field goal, and the damn thing goes through the uprights. 3-0 Brownies.

[You know, the Brownies have it tough this year- so far they have had to face off with the Dolts (Colts), Floppers (Dolphins), Seahawks, and will still have to play St. Louis, the Crudinals, and the Gaguars. That’s a murderer’s row in the Doormat. That’s a WHO’S WHO in the NFL WORST.]

But back to the game, if we can call it that. 47 punts and an interception later, the Brownies punt again (my foot is sore just writing this) and do the special teams Scramble, opening up a lane a Biggest Loser could fit through, and the Seahags score a touchdown!

Except no! A game-saving penalty illegal block nowhere near the ballcarrier nullifies the phantom only touchdown of the game, and it’s back to the maneuvering. Brownies coach Pete Shurmer flips off Pete Carroll. Seattle continues the brilliant play calling by calling the deep interception. Brownies coaches failed to yell loud enough for the safety to drop the damn ball. Defensive coordinator throws down his clipboard and glowers. Brownies counter with another 3 and out.

Brownies finally put together something so inept that even Whitehurst can’t screw it up, and the Seahags get a long pass for 40 yards. Brownies call a timeout, to arrange the scoring drive from there. A hilariously obvious face mask for 15 yards moves Seattle into field goal range, and the Hags put on the brakes really hard right there. Once again, the ball wobbles through the uprights and the Stiff of the Week (and maybe the century) is TIED. 3-3 mid 3^rd quarter. The lines at the concession stand are epic, and the parking lot barbecues start to smoke.

It’s really a shame this game didn’t go to overtime. What else is there to do in Cleveland than to watch a game of this caliber?? If you want to get an idea of what eternity is like, attend this game. The very next drive the Seahags maneuver the Brownies down the field expertly, falling down, falling over and getting out of harm’s way. Brownies try to stop the carnage, but can’t. Yet another 53 yard field goal floats through the goalposts, and Cleveland regains the lead, 6-3. There was plenty of time of time left, and the Brownies called another blocked field goal play, but it came to nothing as the Hags end the game with a PERFECT bonehead personal foul to give Cleveland the first down and run out the clock. The Brownies tried, but the Seahags had the better game plan, and the most grind-it-out loss of the season goes to the pros from Mold City, the Seattle Seahags. Seahags have possession of ball for only 17 minutes the entire game. This is a Doormat record. Hats off to Pete Carroll and his coaching staff for a brilliant Doormat performance. Whew!

BA-LOOOOOOOWWWWWW-OUT of the WEEK

Colts 7, Saints 62

I don’t know how anybody is going to stop the Dolts. These guys just are hitting on all cylinders. Every single phase of the game is fine-tuned now, right down to the glum wide receivers on the sideline looking up into the domed sky, and the back-up QB who looks personally ashamed for the whole franchise. Unfortunately for the Dolts, the cloning lab Peyton Mannings won’t be ready for another 19 years, so guess what? Settle back and enjoy some consecutive Doormat Molday Carpet Trophies. God, I wish the Lambs were on the schedule. I’d PAY to watch that. Saints win by largest margin in franchise history, which is saying something considering Drew Brees is just about the slingin-est QB on the planet. This record should last until….next week when they play the Lambs.

Rams 7, Cowboys 34

Sam Bradford takes a seat on the bench, and Tony Romo has no answer for the losing machine that is the St. Louis Lambs. The institutional level of losing is so professional, that it’s going to take the Crudinals to get a win out of the Lambs, and I doubt even that.

The Lambs pick up the news that rookie Cowpie RB Demarco Murray does not have a rushing TD yet, and decide to do something memorable: a 1^st quarter 98 yard saunter straight down the field for the longest first career TD since the AFL-NFL merger in 1492. Game over.

SPECIAL HONORS!

Raydurz 0, Cheaps 28

Rustiest QBs award goes to the Oakland Raiders who unveil a barrage of interceptions between Kyle Boller and Mr. Creaky, Carson Palmer, in the kind of embarrassment that had Al Davis spinning in his crypt all afternoon. I hope the lid is real tight on that thing.

3 interceptions apiece for the tag-team Clowns in Silver in Black. SIX interceptions, with two run back for touchdowns. Cheaps have no chance against this onslaught, absolutely no answer, and pull to 3-3. A sell-out crowd of Silver and Blacked Out are wearing two eye patches by halftime. Raydurz in serious trouble and may be returning to the basement immediately. It’s not like we run a tight ship down here, but I really hated cleaning up after those guys.

THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

Honestly, I could be writing all day, yesterday was so incredible.

Dolphins 15, Broncos 18

If it hadn’t been for the Seahags-Brownies, this is the game of the week in the Doormat.

And it didn’t disappoint. The Dolphins, with their perfect record in serious jeopardy, pull off the best Come From Ahead loss of the season, giving up 15 points in about 30 seconds in the 4^th quarter, taking it to overtime and, after the Donkeys do just about nothing in OT, finally call the old standby, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, and the Donks have no choice but to attempt a field goal, which clears the uprights in Miami and sends all those Tim (two left feet) Tebow fans home happy, and the Floppers home still neck and neck (get it?) with the Dolts. 11 total sacks in the game! Up next for the Flops- the Giants, which is no gimme. Donkeys ‘improve’ to 2-4 and play the alarmingly deflated Detroit Kittens next week.

Steelers 32, Cardinals 20

The Crudinals may not be tearing the league up with ineptitude, but they are still pulling down the ‘L’s and you can’t argue with their prime weapon: the perfectly timed penalty. Steelers get 4 free first downs at just the right moment, and the rest is gravy.

Vikings 27, Packers 33

Yet another Come-From-Ahead loss for the Yikings- that’s five out of six losses. It’ll set a record, if they keep it up.

Panthers 33, Redskins 20

Pansies try really hard to keep to field goals, leading only 9-6 at halftime, but it all falls apart in the second half, as the Deadskins start a concerted gameplan of turnovers and orange cone defense (complete with flagmen), and the Pansies have no chance but to run through green lights for the entire second half. Congratulations, Pansie fans. Your team won a second game before the mid-way point of the season.

Tune in tonight for Monday Night Embarrassment, as the Jacksonville Gaguars go on primetime for the Jack Del Rio Swansong against the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes.

THE WORST STATS FOR NFL WEEK SEVEN !!!

Points: 0 Raydurz

First Downs: 9 Seahags

Total yards: 137 Seahags

Passing: 72 Seahags

Rushing: 32 Buccaneers

3^rd down con: 1-12 Kittens (looking like their old selves)

Turnovers: 6 Raydurz

Sacked: 7 Donkeys

Punts: 9 Donkeys (17 for the game total)

Penalties: 14-120 Raydurz (they just don’t stop)

Time of Poss: 17:04 Seahags (Doormat record)