And then there were four

Though the overall winner is probably going to be eggchairjim, we still have the Toilet Bowl to think about. It's going to be the Brownies or Nils against the Lambs or Kittens. Everyone else is eliminated.

We said the Toilet Bowl would be decided by statistical analysis, but do we have an old Stratomatic type game laying around so we could actually have a game? Maybe updates of  the game during the Superbowl (ala "Bud Bowl").

Any thoughts guys?

Our Season of Futility

Looking at these statistics of stumbling, I got to wondering,

What are some of the all-time worst numbers?

Since teams started playing at least 14 games, the greatest point differential is owned by the fabulous Tampa Bay Bootineers of 1976 (of course!)

Boots 125-412 that's 287 whopping points. The Lambs would have to get beat 49 points for them to tie that. C'mon, Lambs!

The Lowest point total for a season (14 games or more) that I could find was:

Atlanta Falcons clocking in at 111 in 1974. That's 7.9 points per game. Barely a TD a game.

The Falcs had a 3-11 record that year, NOT the worst in the league.

And though you may think the Rams should own the most points ever scored in 2001, it's the Pats in 2007 with 589. The year the Rams got 503 they were more than 200 points ahead of the next team.

Cellar Divsion WEAK XVI Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XVI Wrap-up and Disposal

SHOCKER OF THE WEAK!

Bootineers 20 Saints 17 (OT)

Well, faster than you can take down a Pope with a horse-collar tackle, the Saints are looking like a team that needs a vacation instead of home-field advantage through the NFC playoffs.

Tampa Bay, that’s right, the BOOTINEERS, take it to the Saints, in their house, as the Cellar rises up and a two game winner beats a 13 game winner for the first time ever (yes somebody looked it up, thank God for total geek stat heads).

Who Dat? The Boots rack up 439 yards of offense, which has to be the season high, while still getting two INTs from Josh Freeman and punting 7 times. They did the one thing that everybody needs to do against the Saints: score more points than them. OK, OK, sorry. It’s called play Keep Away. TB had it for 36:15 and the Saints did nothing after the fast starting 1^st quarter.

The Boots, looking like a team that was never going to get off the turf, have now won 2 straight (yes beating the SeaHags still counts) and can kiss their Cellar Moldy Carpet Crown good-bye. That’s OK, because the Lambs are the Kings, and no-one can match those mutton-heads. Conversely (Chuck Taylorly), the Saints have lost two straight, both at HOME. The curse of the Fleur-de-Lis is stirring in the Big Muddy. Put away those Mardis Gras beads and turn down the heat on the gumbo, boys, these boys need to go back to basics and find their reason to be pissed off.

Special Shocker mention from the Cellar goes to the once near-Cellar Jets, who improbably knocked off the Colts yesterday (woo-hoo!!!) and find themselves in the playoff hunt. Put some mustard on that hot dog and somebody call Joe Namath out of the lap dancing room, there’s something going in Queens.

LOSER OF THE WEAK

Raydurz 9 Brownies 23

Oh, I got up early for this one. I knew something special was going to happen. And, speaking of curses, the Curse of Chucky lives! Ever since Jon Gruden jumped ship to Tampa Bay and crushed the Silver and Blacked Out in the 2003 Stuper Bowl 578-2, the Raydurz have been the worst team on the planet. Yesterday, they showed why. This team really is the worst team in the AFC, except they put in Gradkowski for 3 games and messed up their run to the Moldy Carpet. So, I got my piano practice done by 10, made a huge bowl of popcorn, and settled in for the Cellar Match-up of the week…hell, the century.

Here’s one sequence that sums it up COMPLETELY: Brownie ball. After a lot of jawing and pushing and shoving, and the Raydurz and Brownies got a brawl-scrum going around the Brownie 40 yard line in the 2^nd quarter. Both teams receive personal foul calls, penalties off-set. All done, right? Not on your life! DE Richard Seymour, who had the penalty, goes after a ref with a string of choice words and gets ANOTHER 15 yarder.

Ball on the Raydur 45. Two plays later DB Stanford Routt flagrantly head butts a poor wee Brownie, and is ejected from the game. Ball on the Raydeur 27 now. 3 plays later, Derek Anderson finally leads a receiver, instead of throwing 4-15 yards behind him (that guy needs a geometry class), and the Brownies SCORE. Game over.

13 penalties for 126 yards! FIVE personal foul calls! That’s the Raydur mystique in action. Pride and Poise and a Crowbar! Ok, just a couple of other tid-bits: Raydurz coughed it up on the first play of the game, INT, and Brownies score. 9 yard drive. Raydurz throw it 45 times, even though they could have run through the Brownies off tackle and around end all day…2 positive notes- Janikowski hit a 61-yard FG, and Joshua Cribbs got nothing, just like I predicted. Brownies now have 4 victories, 3 IN A ROW, and the Cheaps have the AFC locked up unless something really shocking happens next week.

I guess that’s what having Mike Holmgren just hang around the stadium does for a team.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

There’s a PILE of blowouts this week, gentlemen. Take your pick.

Packers 48 Seahags 10.

Cardinals 31, Lambs 10

Panthers 41 Giants 9

Falcons 31 Nils 3

And we’ve still got the Vikes-CareBears yet to go today. Pansies take it for shock value, Seahags take it for point margin, but Nils take it for pathetic. 11 first downs. 178 total yards, 3 turnovers, 7 punts, 10 penalties, 40 yards rushing……that’s losing, kids. I’m looking for these guys to make a run at the Moldy Carpet next year. They folded up their tents and quit a few weeks back, after beating the Cheaps, which must have been just exhausting. Terrel Owens is getting his come-uppance for show boating on the Cowboy emblem all those years ago. How’s it feel TO?

I’m skipping stiff of the week (though it’s Bengals-Cheaps 17-10, in case you wonder), and finishing with the more important Wrap-UP.

WRAP-UP and DISPOSAL

It’s almost over. The Moldy Carpet is being retrieved and soaked in Bud in anticipation of the final Tilts next week.

NFC

The Lambs, at 1-14, are holding steady as the leader, but the KITTENS are still only a game behind after a true stinker against the 49ers yesterday (I watched that too). Kittens play the Bears and the Lambs have the 49ers next week, at home. AS if that mattered. But don’t just hand it to the Lambs (still on track to not clear 200 points), because Niner-Lambs games have a way of defying the odds (though not for the last, oh, 5-6…10 years). Kittens could actually screw up and win against the Bears, because those guys are awful, whereas the Lambs could pull it out and win by mistake. Remember, the Kittens have won the tie-breaker, with that stiff back in Weak VIII at Ford Field, where the Lambies got their only win of the year. The Boots are officially eliminated with their inexplicable strong finish.

AFC

The Cheaps are on the inside track and moving as slowly as possible. Cleveland has found out that they have a running game, and if they keep the passing under 17 attempts, they just might outlast their opponent. Brownies only 1 game back. Nils eliminated after failing to lose to Cheaps 3 weeks ago. Cheaps are at Denver, who have totally collapsed the last two weeks, and the Brownies take on Jacksonville at home. I really have no idea about Cleveland now. I’m baffled. Jacksonville may just fold it and quit, but they are technically still in the playoff hunt, so they may be desparate.

Denver also clinging to playoff spot. I think Cheaps will still lose, because they are still terrible and have a good late season plunge going on- they, like the Lambs, have seen the trophy back in the rumpus room, and really long for a dark room to sip stale beer in, and avoid being seen for 8 months.

This Week’s Lows

Points: 3 Nils

Total yards: 178 Nils

Rushing yds 40 Nils

Passing yds 118 Brownies (no Brady Quinn? So what? And they WON)

Turnovers: 6 Kittens (3 fumbles, 3 INT)

Penalties: 13 for 126 yds. RAYDURZ (I’d be so disappointed if they didn’t have the season high)

Time of Poss: 25:35 Nils

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!

Wacko Caveats

These "qualifiers" would make one think Wacko finds his Cellar work daunting (like a Culpepper), but I believe he is into it with, at least, as much commitment as The Lambs. Here are a few I found recently, and "don't stop believin" as your own SF super group Journey sings it, because we love it, and The Cellar needs your exquisite touch.

Ok it’s Christmas Week and I barely have time to go to the bathroom, so I’m going to try to keep it brief.

Yes, I'm still here, though everybody else has gone to the mall…

I’m going to keep it brief, because I have to go down to the courthouse and sign up for comedy traffic school, so the laughs are all on me in a little bit.

WEAK XVI Preview

Here we are, gentlemen, two weeks to go, and this week should pretty much settle things in the NFC, unless the Lambs run into some incredible luck. Over the in the AFC, nothing is for sure, and the Brownies are in danger of winning AGAIN against the Silver and Blacked Out (Christ-on-a-heated-bench!). That would put the Cheaps in the driver's seat with a week to go. It's gonna be intense- here's some of the news that's been seeping in to the Basement:

Raydurz: Charlie Frye will be starting for the Raydurz in Cleveland- and just like Mr. Cellar and Pittsburgh, this is Charlie's hometown (close, anyway) and his college was Akron (the Zips?) just down the road.

So this begs the question: What is Charlie's mom cooking for the team? There has been no mention in the press.

PLUS, Frye started opening day for the Brownies in 2007 and was TRADED two days later. He is the first NFL opening day starter to get traded so soon. If that doesn't motivate him, the stench off Lake Erie should at least wake him up.

Joshua Cribbs will go nuts against the Raydurz, and Brownies win 3rd straight, always a sign that a team has actually learned something. At least temporarily. Brady Quinn currently worst starting QB in league (Ja-miss-it now THIRD string).

Cheeps: 46 Dropped passes....is that a lot? Not enough! The Cheeps need 8 more drops to tie the Floppers record 54, set in 1992 (first season of recording the stat). But they dropped 10 last week, so with two games to go, they could do it! The Cheeps are doing everything they can to bottom out. (by the way the 49ers Vernon Davis, leading the league in TD receptions, also leads the league in drops with 11).

Lambs: 18th string QB Kyle Boller returned to practice this week, starting out with a rigorous sequence of tiddly-winks, film (Heidi), a push-up, more film (Sound of Music), and clip-board holding. Coach Spatula has not named Null the QB for Sunday's collapse vs. Cards. Not named Null. Null set not named nothing for no contest!

Nils: Safety Jairus Byrd, leading the league in interceptions, is out for the last two games....and the playoffs. Nils should close out with two L's.

Floppers: okay they're out of contention, but really, can they blow another lead, just to nail down their reputation and be deserving of their name? Why not?

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK: Tampa at New Orleans.

STIFF OF THE WEEK: Anything with the Nils in it. Vikes-CareBears likely if Vikes keep up the ultra-fade act. Kittens at 49ers looks like a ONE touchdown game. Although lately these Cellar-type matchups have produced huge numbers.

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK: if I knew what it was , it wouldn't be a shocker.

Oracle from the Basement Weak XVI

Kansas City is making a serious run for the Basement

It's Christmas Day and the once lowly Titanics are the odd-on favorite tonight in an AFC clash with the division-leading San Diego Chargers. Can the Titanics rise from the moldy carpet and the naugahyde barstool and reach respectability with a win over the Bolts?

No.

And here are the Oracle's other predictions for this weak:

Cheeps 3

Bengals 38

Nils 10

Falcons 24

Bootineers 0

Saints 18

Lambs 12

Cardinals 28

Kittens 20

49ers 18

Cowboys 18

Deadskins 21

Raydurz 28

Brownies 9

Gentlemen,. Merry Christmas and make your predictions. May the worst team win!

Browns, Titans, get nod from Vegas

Believe it or not, the Titanics are. the 3 point Vegas oddsmakers' favorite over the Chargers this week.

Raydurz are picked to lose to Brownies who are riding the crest of a two game winning streak.

Other favs:

Fav Spread Underdog
Brownies. 3 Raydurz
Bengals. 13.5. Cheeps
Falcons. 7 Nils
Floppers 3. Texans
Giants 7.5 Pansies
Saints 15 Bootiners
Cards 14 Lambs
49ers 10.5 Kittens
Dallas 3.5 Deadskins


Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Cellar Divsion WEAK XV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Ok it’s Christmas Week and I barely have time to go to the bathroom, so

I’m going to try to keep it brief.

BREAK UP THE BROWNIES!!

Brownies 41 Cheaps 34

We shoulda known. You get two teams with defenses that play the Bend-but-don’t-stop-anything format and this is what you should expect. 3 out of the last 4 weeks the Brownies give the NFL the most fun game to watch. WTF!?!

But let’s not get carried away by Joshua Cribbs and Jerome Harrison. We’re not footballs. This is the CELLAR, and the team that gets the credit here is the CHEAPS. Each team fought hard to lose this one, constantly allowing ridiculous amounts of yards to players nobody’s ever heard of (OK we’ve heard of Cribbs in the last 3 weeks), and letting the points rack up. Jim Brown was in the house and I bet he was thinking he could have gone for 400 yards against that defense. It was two prize fight stooges trying to throw the game at every opportunity, and the WORST team won…lost. The Cheaps move into first in the AFC Cellar, something I did not think was going to happen this season. I was sure the Brownies had the culture of losing nailed, and were taking it to the house.

Ha! Watch those two kick-off return TDs by Cribbs- but watch the ‘tackling.’ Wow! Can a team really tackle that wimpy? I think the Cheapettes, or whatever their cheerleaders are called, could have gotten that guy on the ground faster. They could get me on the ground very fast, I’m sure.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

The Cheaps, man. I don’t care if they piled up 491 yards. This was hard work losing this game against a team clearly matching them dumbass defensive play after another.

These guys knuckled down and let the Brownies pull it out in the W column when it looked like they just couldn’t give up any more yards. Way to go guys!!

(runner-up in loser of the week: Chicago CareBears losing 31-7 to the Ravens)

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Deadskins 12, NYG 479

OK OK it was only 45, but after Jason Campbell tossed the worst screen pass in history to Giant DB Thomas at the 14 and he ran it in for a TD to make it 38-6, you could see coach Jim Zorn cleaning out his desk, mentally, as he stood, like a lonely figure slowly twisting in the wind, imperceptibly mumbling into his headset on the Deadskin sideline. Campbell pretty much looked like he was done in D.C. too. What with new GM Bruce Allen (son of George) pacing in the luxury box upstairs, I think he was warming up the ejector button like crazy. Better get some oil on that, Bruce, you’re going to be really busy really soon.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Altanta-Jets game sported 15 punts, but more importantly:

Lambs 13 Texans 16

Still have a guy named Null at QB. It’s perfect, except they have one win. Lambs are taking it to the house. Cardinals next week, followed by 49ers (uh-oh Danger of Victory Index goes up slightly). Lambs are nailing down WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. The Lambs stand a-LONE at the top of the Cellar! No matter how bad the other team plays, engaging in a field goal fest, the Lambs can do whatever it takes. Keeping Stephen Jackson under 100 yards being their big focus.

Biggest Deflating Moment (or Flop of the Week, in honor of the Floppers)

Kittens 24, Cardinals 31: Kittens come from 17 down, tie it with 4 minutes left, and then just hand it to Warner and the Cards in the final 2 minutes. In Detroit. Merry Christmas.

But, of course, in Cellar terms, waaaaaaay to go, men! How about a little more rum in your eggnog?

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK

Bootineers beating the Seahags is shocking, but I predicted it, so I’m not shocked.

Raydurz beating the Broncos is VERY Shocking, what with Ja-miss-it winning the game, but you can’t top this:

Pansies 26 Vikings 7

This was shaping up as the stiff of the week, frankly, a Puntfest (15!) and completely crap game from the Vikings offense, and then the defense got tired of the whole thing and just collapsed in the 4^th quarter. Pansies take advantage because Jake Delhomme is not under rump. Honestly, Pansies played great defense, just crushed the Vikes (I watched this one) and it makes you wonder about the purple and gold for the post season, if they can turn in such a stinker in week XV. Back when they wore satiny purple pants and Fran Tarkenton was running up, back, side to side and Jim Marshall was just running the wrong way, they were my favorite team. With Favre back there, for some reason I just want to see a sackfest for the other team. And I got one last night.

LOW END TOTALS FOR WEEK XV

Points: 7 Vikings, Jets, Carebears

First downs: 10 Vikings (Yikes!)

Total yds: 237 Vikes (Yikes!) and Lambs, tie.

Passing: 66 Brownies (Brady Quinn, in victory, still plays like kee-rap)

Rushing: 41 Vikes (Yikes and away!)

Turnovers: 5 Seahags (4 int, 1 fumble)

Penalties: 10 for 84 yds. Steelers

Time of Poss: 22:01 VIKINGS (boy did they play a lousy game.)

aaaaaaaAAAAAAND that’s the view from the BASEMENT!!!

NFL Loses Its Mind

OK the NFL went insane for week XV, with the Brownies, Bootineers and Raydurz all coming away with a win.

Just when it looked like the Boots might take control of the basement, the Seahags decide to play their worst game of the year, puking up the ball for the Boots and literally giving the game away. Even the lowly Lambs almost won today.

It was a tough day for losers.

The Oracle from the Basement Weak XV

Vegas Odds for Weak XV are in and it's gonna be a long day in the red zone for the St. Louis Lambs.

The Oracle from the basement, the lone voice from the red naugahyde stool, has stared into the German mug of flat Olympia beer on the bar and watched the Viceroy smoke trail from the ashtray, and here are this weak's predictions:

Minnesota 28

Carolina 14

New England 56

Buffalo 10

Arizona 38

Detroit 0

Cleveland 10

Kansas City 13

Houston 28

St. Louis 9

Miami 18

Tennessee 21

Oakland12

Denver 14

Tampa Bay 18

Seattle 34

New York 42

Washington 17

Gentleman, make your predictions!