LIONIZING the ATMOSPHERE

DETROIT: TWO PLAYOFFS VICTORIES SINCE 1957

1957 & 1991

1957:  NFL CHAMPIONSHIP vs. The BROWNS  (59-14)

1991: Divisional Playoff vs. Cowboys (38-6)

Here they come again, connoisseurs of the dark side.  The Detroit Lions, a team that just can never get enough for them and their fans, are in the playoffs.  Why, you ask?  Because sometimes you have to lose a playoff game to look like your string of No Playoff Victories has meaning.  Otherwise, you aren't really in the dance.  24 years of no victories, and 60 years back to the big one in '57.  The Bengals may have 26 years of no victories, but you can't top 2 victories in 60 years. With that kind of production, you don't even have to talk about not ever being in the Super Bowl. One needs to use a  broader perspective.

This time, though, things are going to be different.  That's because they've never played the Seahawks in the playoffs, so that will be a new team to grab the L against. Now, we can't remember the last team that lost their last 3 games and still made the playoffs. But that looks like sound preparation. You might think the Lions didn't really want to make the playoffs.  Tum-te-tum....

The Lions lost 7 games and 5 were against playoff teams.  They won 9, and none were against playoff teams.  Of course, that's how you GET in the playoffs, beating up those Doormats (hey! ow!), but...maybe the Seahawks are going to have a really bad day.  Lest you forget, the Hags' last three victories are against these titans:  Panthers, Rams and 49ers.  So, hey.  Lions have a shot.

Here, in the lowly glare of the harsh flourescent...flouressent...fluorescent...did I spell that right?  I did? I'm taking the day off.

Here in the lowly glare of the harsh fluorescent lights in the basement, we have a saying.  The whole city of Detroit knows it:  "There's still time to lose."  We have to wrap ourselves in this mantra, while sprinkling kitty litter over the ouija board of football:

come ON, Lions.  Get outta the Basement.  

GAMETIME:  5:30.  Seattle.  34º game time temp.  Cloudy.  I can't look.  We'll be tuning in.  

Seahawks, Bears Playoff Game Preview from the NFL Doormat Division

The Seattle Seahags are in  the hunt for the Superbowl, and will dive into Soldier Field like an Osprey on a spawning salmon to take on the fearsome Chicago Bears in an NFC playoff showdown this Sunday. Unfortunately, the Bears will grab the salmon first and smack them in the face with it all day long.

Yes, the Seahawks are 2-6 on the road this year, but they beat Chicago in one of those road games. So it CAN be done, and Pete Carol is the coach and Marshawn Lynch could go Beast Mode.

But let's face it, the Bears can out-hit, out-muscle, and out-crazy anyone. Have you watched any Bears games this year? When that defense is clicking, it's scary.

So the Oracle from the Basement predicts the Bears will win, 38-3. Seahawks will get 6 first down.

But I hope I am wrong, because the Oracle already predicted in December that the NFC West champion would make it to the NFC Conference Championship game.

So I'm going to flop like a salmon on the deck of fishing boat and go out on a thin limb here and change my prediction: Seahags 28, Bears 24.

I'm going out for another keg of Hamms and some Costco brand chips and salsa for the game. See you in the basement!!

Are they afraid of Bears in Seattle? I don't think so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FARnbRBWKGg

NFC West Keeps on Track as the class of the NFL Doormats

The entire NFC West lost today, making it a very real possibility that the division winner will end the season under .500. Though the run to to Superbowl may be exciting, this year could go in the history books as the year of the Doormats.

Who would have thought you could lose with the best of them and still win? The big question now is, who will win the NFC West? It is bound to be the most exciting finish in the NFL this year.

The Doormat Division Weak X Preview!

Okay, the Oracle has spoken, but that doesn’t mean we can’t FOCUS IN on a couple of choice match-ups.

WE have only one true Doormat tilt this week, Kittens-Nils, and two other intriguing gridiron contests- 0-4-9ers vs. Lambs, and Cardinals-Seahags.

Cards-Hags is probably the worst game of the week. Hags get back Matt Hasselbeck at QB, so PERHAPS they will get more than 8 first downs. perHAPS. Still, they lead the league in least first downs (32nd) , so that means a lot of throwing on third down, and what can the Cards do to stop this? Nothing, really. They are 30^th (out of 32) in the league in giving up first downs, and so…they are slightly better than the Hags here. It’s a game of inches, and these worms will be using every inch on the field to measure progress. However, they are really good at giving up the 12 yard pass on 3^rd and 11, so Hasselbeck must be licking his chops…or maybe that’s just because he’s had so many concussions it’s a sort condition he’s got.

QB Derek Anderson brings his usual 67 passer rating to the contest, and the Cardinals have NO rushing game. Their leading rusher, Tim Hightower, is averaging 42 yds a game. So the only way the Cards are going to score is off Seahag turnovers, defensive touchdowns, and atrocious defense (over 1000yds the last two weeks). This is highly likely. Should have over 22 changes of possession, but score stays under 20. STIFF.

Check out this remaining schedule for the Cardinals: Hags, Cheaps (real team-ish), 0-4-9ers, Lambs, Buncos, Pansies, Cowpies, 0-4-9ers……..That’s (excluding Cheaps, aw) ALL DOORMAT, guys. They've got to win at least two of those- no?

NILS-KITTENS- the game of the WEAK!

Back in Buffalo where the only fans that are showing up for this one are the ones that still believe THIS IS THE WEEK, or they just really need to get out of the house to avoid the police. Nils have decent running game and Kittens have terrible run D. But Nils are the chokingest guys in the red zone when they run the ball- 3 tds.

Kittens have great passing game, but Shaun ‘INT’ Hill is back under rump in place of the all-glass Matt Stafford, so Nils should get some GIFTS. If Nils have a single guy that can blitz (do they have one? Anybody?), they should do this all day. Even during time outs. Kittens have ka-rummy running game (though Jahvid Best was hot at Cal) going against WORST run defense in the league from the Nils- edge to Kittens, If Best gets break-out game, which means he MAY clear 88 yards, Kittens win. If not, Nils actually get off the snide.

And that’s a Snide Field 9 miles wide.

0-4-9ers vs. Lambs

It’s the final countdown to Coach Single-minded’s firing appointment. I think the only reason this guy is not toast is because Niner owner Jed York is totally scared of the dude.

Who can blame him? Troy Smith goes again at QB and last week he played a complete and efficient second half in a winning effort. I give the Niners every chance of winning this game at Candlestink. If they can pull it out, and the Cardinals can pull out a win against the Hags, the ENTIRE NFC WEST WILL HAVE A LOSING RECORD. Here in The Basement we will hold a special ceremony, building a small shrine in the backyard with those little plastic helmets we got as kids that you put the stickers on and hung on a ‘helmet tree’ for all your favorite teams. Then, a liberal dousing of lighter fluid, a quick hymn of “how low can you go?” , toss a match, sniff the carcinogens and other toxins heartily, and then weave back into the darkness and collapse on the sofa we found outside the transient hotel last week. We liked the orange color.

And that’s the view from the Basement!

Cellar Divsion WEAK XV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Cellar Division Weak XV Wrap-Up and Disposal

Ok it’s Christmas Week and I barely have time to go to the bathroom, so

I’m going to try to keep it brief.

BREAK UP THE BROWNIES!!

Brownies 41 Cheaps 34

We shoulda known. You get two teams with defenses that play the Bend-but-don’t-stop-anything format and this is what you should expect. 3 out of the last 4 weeks the Brownies give the NFL the most fun game to watch. WTF!?!

But let’s not get carried away by Joshua Cribbs and Jerome Harrison. We’re not footballs. This is the CELLAR, and the team that gets the credit here is the CHEAPS. Each team fought hard to lose this one, constantly allowing ridiculous amounts of yards to players nobody’s ever heard of (OK we’ve heard of Cribbs in the last 3 weeks), and letting the points rack up. Jim Brown was in the house and I bet he was thinking he could have gone for 400 yards against that defense. It was two prize fight stooges trying to throw the game at every opportunity, and the WORST team won…lost. The Cheaps move into first in the AFC Cellar, something I did not think was going to happen this season. I was sure the Brownies had the culture of losing nailed, and were taking it to the house.

Ha! Watch those two kick-off return TDs by Cribbs- but watch the ‘tackling.’ Wow! Can a team really tackle that wimpy? I think the Cheapettes, or whatever their cheerleaders are called, could have gotten that guy on the ground faster. They could get me on the ground very fast, I’m sure.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

The Cheaps, man. I don’t care if they piled up 491 yards. This was hard work losing this game against a team clearly matching them dumbass defensive play after another.

These guys knuckled down and let the Brownies pull it out in the W column when it looked like they just couldn’t give up any more yards. Way to go guys!!

(runner-up in loser of the week: Chicago CareBears losing 31-7 to the Ravens)

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Deadskins 12, NYG 479

OK OK it was only 45, but after Jason Campbell tossed the worst screen pass in history to Giant DB Thomas at the 14 and he ran it in for a TD to make it 38-6, you could see coach Jim Zorn cleaning out his desk, mentally, as he stood, like a lonely figure slowly twisting in the wind, imperceptibly mumbling into his headset on the Deadskin sideline. Campbell pretty much looked like he was done in D.C. too. What with new GM Bruce Allen (son of George) pacing in the luxury box upstairs, I think he was warming up the ejector button like crazy. Better get some oil on that, Bruce, you’re going to be really busy really soon.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Altanta-Jets game sported 15 punts, but more importantly:

Lambs 13 Texans 16

Still have a guy named Null at QB. It’s perfect, except they have one win. Lambs are taking it to the house. Cardinals next week, followed by 49ers (uh-oh Danger of Victory Index goes up slightly). Lambs are nailing down WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE. The Lambs stand a-LONE at the top of the Cellar! No matter how bad the other team plays, engaging in a field goal fest, the Lambs can do whatever it takes. Keeping Stephen Jackson under 100 yards being their big focus.

Biggest Deflating Moment (or Flop of the Week, in honor of the Floppers)

Kittens 24, Cardinals 31: Kittens come from 17 down, tie it with 4 minutes left, and then just hand it to Warner and the Cards in the final 2 minutes. In Detroit. Merry Christmas.

But, of course, in Cellar terms, waaaaaaay to go, men! How about a little more rum in your eggnog?

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK

Bootineers beating the Seahags is shocking, but I predicted it, so I’m not shocked.

Raydurz beating the Broncos is VERY Shocking, what with Ja-miss-it winning the game, but you can’t top this:

Pansies 26 Vikings 7

This was shaping up as the stiff of the week, frankly, a Puntfest (15!) and completely crap game from the Vikings offense, and then the defense got tired of the whole thing and just collapsed in the 4^th quarter. Pansies take advantage because Jake Delhomme is not under rump. Honestly, Pansies played great defense, just crushed the Vikes (I watched this one) and it makes you wonder about the purple and gold for the post season, if they can turn in such a stinker in week XV. Back when they wore satiny purple pants and Fran Tarkenton was running up, back, side to side and Jim Marshall was just running the wrong way, they were my favorite team. With Favre back there, for some reason I just want to see a sackfest for the other team. And I got one last night.

LOW END TOTALS FOR WEEK XV

Points: 7 Vikings, Jets, Carebears

First downs: 10 Vikings (Yikes!)

Total yds: 237 Vikes (Yikes!) and Lambs, tie.

Passing: 66 Brownies (Brady Quinn, in victory, still plays like kee-rap)

Rushing: 41 Vikes (Yikes and away!)

Turnovers: 5 Seahags (4 int, 1 fumble)

Penalties: 10 for 84 yds. Steelers

Time of Poss: 22:01 VIKINGS (boy did they play a lousy game.)

aaaaaaaAAAAAAND that’s the view from the BASEMENT!!!

Weak XII Predictions

WackoWorld weighs in with first predictions (with scores) of the year:

Seahags 24 Lambs 3 Lambs are the worst team in the league, unless it's the other guys.

Today, it's the Lambs.

Bootineers 10 Atlanta 34 Boots have fired the offensive AND defensive coordinators. So, now they have no plays. Youngest coach in the league soon to be youngest fired coach.

Brownies 17 Bengals 21 Bengals let anybody stay in a game. And I mean anybody today. So, Brownies get to score some more points (unlike the Kittens who can stop momentum dead in its tracks), but next week will make up for it with a negative score (will be NFL first).

Cheaps 0 Chargers 42 Cheaps come down to earth, hard, after two wins. Chargers on fire.

Deadskins 13 Eagles 12 Oh, I don't know. Why not? Eagles proven they can lost to a Cellar team, and have played five of them. Deadskins on verge of mediocrity.

Nils 6 Floppers 20 Floppers remember their days in the Cellar, and aren't coming back. Nils continue free fall. Watch out Cleveland. Another floater on Lake Erie.

Titanics 17 Cardinals 7 Kurt Warner will woozy his way to a multiple interception day, and the Titanics score at least 1 defensive touchdown.

Worst Team of the Weak prediction: Cheaps.

I can see I've gone way out on a limb, predicting two Cellar victories. I must be getting soft in the head. The Titanics only marginally qualify, though, so I will stand by my picks, until the linemen start coming through unabated.