Doormat Division: NFL Week 5 Preview

Brady Quinn goes up against some tough defense

The Doormat Division Week 5 Preview

(Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose.)

This week’s installment of NFL tragi-comedy features some matchups that has Doormat teams everywhere calling NFL commish Roger Goodell and asking for the bye week THIS week.  No dice.  Get your butt out on the field.

Ravens (3-1) at Chiefs (1-3)

Cheaps QB Matt Cassell is putting up Doormat All-Star numbers through Week 4:  5 TDs against 7 interceptions (2^nd place), 13 sacks (4^th), 70.4 rating, not a single completion over 33 yards- all adding up to a powerful ranking of 29^th in the NFL. 

Time to bench this perennial disappointment?  It depends- do you want to win the Moldy Carpet?  Yes?  Then bring in back-up and Doormat God Brady Quinn!!  And you thought he was running a waffle house back in Columbus.  It’s a shame Brady hasn’t been able to find a team bad enough to get a few starts in, because the memories from his days guiding the Brownies to 9 punts and a field goal are still as vivid as my experiences this week after eating a hamburger of dubious lineage at It’s Tops!  Who can forget the Brownie Bomb: the screen pass that sailed over the entire bench and into the crowd with startling accuracy?  The two-skip passes that would’ve looked great if we’re skipping stones on Lake Erie? The 3 and outs that ate up at least :35?  A career passer rating of 66.8 and no stats for the last two years as the Mighty Quinn has been the secret weapon kept on ice by- who knows? 

So, forget it, Cheaps fans, Cassell it is, and good luck to ya.   Now, having said all that, the Ravens can turn in a real stinker on occasion and the Cheaps are going to be really desperate today.  1-3 and the season fading fast……

EDGE: CHIEFS

Browns (0-4) at Giants (2-2)

The Brownies are not better- just different.  Last year at this time they were 2-2, and don’t you forget it.  Brownies QB Brandon Weeden will need at least 2 interceptions to regain the INT King lead, but I think his -4  league leading TD/INT (3-7) ratio is not in danger.  Giants keep everybody in the game, and if it comes down to a field goal the Browns have the foot in Phil Dawson, a perfect 8-8 and 4-4 from over 50 yards.  

EDGE:  Browns, but juuuuust barely

Bears (3-1) at Jaguars (1-3)

The Bears, as usual, have not beaten a team with a winning record yet this year.  The Jags last victory was two weeks ago.  Make that three weeks.  The Gaguars are money in the Doormat Division.

EDGE:  JAGUARS

Dolphins (1-3) at Bengals (3-1)

The Bengals are second in the NFL with 16 sacks, and rookie Flopper QB Ryan Tannehill gets to check it out first hand.  If they can’t get to Tannehill, look out- the Bengals do give up points and passing yards.

EDGE:  DOLPHINS

Texans (4-0) at Jets (2-2)

Texans should just pummel the Jets for two humiliating defeats at home in a row for Rex Ryan’s lost army.  If Mark Sanchez doesn’t do something quick, like avoid 9 punts and a goose egg, Ryan is going to have to think about something he doesn’t want to think about.  Timmmeeeeeee!  WR Santonio Holmes is out.  What else can happen to the Jets?

EDGE:  JETS

Bills (2-2) at 49ers (3-1)

Democratic Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick should get back in front of Tony Romo in the INT race, and maybe even chalk up another INT for a TD.  The possibilities are endless for this game.

EDGE:  BILLS

Titans (1-3) at Vikings (3-1)

The Titanics wheel out museum piece Matt Hasselbeck and stun the Vikes.   Vikings still beat them.

EDGE:  Titans

Packers (2-2) at Colts (1-2)

The Dolts rest a week, make a good game plan, and Andrew Luck shreds the Packer defense while Aaron Rodgers tries to get his sack lead back.   Colts win.

EDGE:  Meat Packers

Seahawks (2-2) at Panthers (1-3)

Cam “gimme the ball” Newton gets a win.  Somebody has to have a losing record in the NFC West.

EDGE: Seahawks

Chargers (3-1) at Saints (0-4)

This is, without a doubt, the most improbable combination.  Somehow the Chargers are 3-1 and the Saints have stumbled so badly that the paper bags are coming out in New Orleans.   Norv Turner will have his team ready for this one.  They get the loss.

EDGE:  Chargers

Rams Crush Crudinals for Braggin' Rights in the NFC West

CRUDINALS EXPOSED

Rams 17,  Cardinals 3

In the game to decide who is moving ahead of who in the NFC Worst, and out of the dog house, the St. Louis Lambs take it to the University of Phoenix Crudinals even more decisively than expected here in the Basement.   With absolutely NO running game, the Cruds attempt to go all air on the Lambs, and  it was the GREEN LIGHT to the new Rams defense that, apparently, has more than Mutton Chops.   EIGHT SACKS, and TWO helmet removals on QB Kevin Kolb.   Kolb vaults past Aaron Rodgers into the sack lead with an astronomical 22 in just 5 games.   Wow!

The Cruds generate zero offense, which is saying something in this game, as Lambs QB Sam Bradford turned in one of the worst games of his career, though he kept the interceptions to a meager one.   At one point Bradford was 3 for 16 for 45 yards!  But then he connected on a 51-yard TD to Chris Givens and his yardage total got all bloated.  He finished 7-21 for 141 yards, maintaining a passer rating below 70 (69.7).  That's just plain Doormat All-Star, and the guy won anyway.  

The Rams have won every home game.  That's gotta feel good up in the stands.  

Holy Cow the LAMBS have a winning record!!!!   I can't say Adios Bro-Cha-Cho yet, as they have to get to 8 wins, but the Rams are showing signs of beating up the other mediocrities hanging around our patio.  Next up: MIAMI

If the Seahags can pull out a win this Sunday against Carolina, the entire NFC West will have a winning record, and that hasn't happened since 1898!   

-wacko

Thursday Night Lowest TV Ratings Ever

Arizona Cardinals at  the St. Louis Rams

The University of Phoenix Crudinals are an improbable 4-0,  and nobody is taking them seriously.  C'mon, admit it.  You think the 49ers are leading the NFC West, right?  The Cruds offense is worse than last year (29th vs. 19th), but are scoring more points.  They have barely won 3 of their 4 games, with last week's OT victory over the Floppers taking it to the limit.  

The St. Louis Lambs,  our projected team to actually be trying to stop being a Doormat, are an improbable 2-2,  and are averaging a full TD more in points (19)  than last year's Moldy Carpet winning performance (12).  They lost in the final 5 seconds to the Lions, won in Washington where QB Sam Bradford cleared the 300 yard passing mark (!!!),  got clobbered by Chicago, and won last week's Stiff of the Week over the Seahawks in a blazing display of field goal kicking.  

Both of these teams are actually attempting to not be bad anymore.  Tonight decides which one gets bragging rights in the NFC West in the Doormat No More department, and which one stops being improbable.

Some numbers:

sacked:   Bradford  14  (2nd in league)   Kevin Kolb  13 (3rd)

TD/INT  Bradford - 4/4       Kolb   7/2

 Offense rushing:  Cards  65yd a game     Lambs  90.5

Give/Take  Cards +4   Lambs  +2

The Lambs run defense is 26th, giving up 135 yards a game.  

The Cruds have allowed ONE rushing TD.   

The Lambs have snagged 8 interceptions while the Cruds lead the league in sacks with 16.  

It could be a really long night for Bradford.  Or really short.  

Can Kolb get back to throwing the killer interception?  

EDGE TO LOSE:  This is really close.  Lambs have not beat the Cruds at home since 2004.   LAMBS.

             

NFL Week 5 Predictions for the Doormat Division

How is the Oracle From the Basement doing? Well, so far this season, the spinner of the frozen turkey and the on-the-fritz-I-dropped-it-in-my-beer-stein remote is 27-17 in picking winners (which means they lost) of doormat games.

Packer fans are running out of things to be happy about.

Green Bay and Indianapolis are not officially in the Doormat Division, but they are on the watch list, and this week they go head to head in what could be a season-deciding game for the Packers. In addition, Andrew's luck may be running out as his first season starts to look like all the other NFL rookie quarterback seasons. Look for desperation resulting in miscues on the field (by both teams) in Indy. However, the Pack should prevail--in this case that means win.

And here are the predictions for Week 5 in the Doormat Division:

Arizona- 17
St. Louis- 13
(This has got to be the Doormat game of the week. Wacko, we need a preview of this stinker.)

Miami- 21
Cincinnati- 24

Baltimore-36
Kansas City-9

Cleveland-3
NY Giants- 21

Atlanta- 21
Washington- 17

Seattle- 17
Carolina- 21

Chicago- 36
Jacksonville- 10

Tennessee- 14
Minnesota- 17

San Diego- 38
New Orleans- 36

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Worst Super Bowl Team Ever

Who made it to the Super Bowl without and credibility? Who had no business being there? Who forced you to change the channel to the home shopping network the soonest?

There are many choices, but I am going to go with the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL (that's 40, not xtra large, though SB40 was definitely xtra large in boredom) in 2005.

The Seahawks were 13-3 that year, but were playing in a very weak division--it still is!--and all three of their losses were against teams under .500.

The mighty Steelers were 11-5 and took the hard road through both the season and the playoffs. By the time they got to the Super Bowl they were truly battle hardened monsters, and they unleashed their steel mill brutality on the frolicking Seahags, er, Seahawks.

Seattle had a relatively easy road through the season and the playoffs and won the NFC in one of the worst conference championship games ever played. Against guess who? The Carolina Panthers, probably the worst team to ever get to the NFC championship game. Though quarterback Hasselbeck had some impressive stats for the year, as I said, it was an easy schedule. When the Seahawks played a real team--i.e. the Steelers--it was lights out.

Though the score of Super Bowl XL appears respectable--21-10--you have to remember that the Steelers only bothered to score enough points to be in the lead and spent the rest of the game with the defense dancing on the Seahawks heads.

There were far worse Super Bowls over the years, but I don't think there was a worse team to play in one. Unless it was the Patriots in 1985.

Who do you think was the worst team to ever lose a Super Bowl?

The Incredible Interception Race

This morning, the logjam for Most Interceptions was intense.   Tied at 7 INTs each were Reelin' Ryan Fitzpatrick of the Bills, Matt Cassell of the KC Cheaps and Brandon Weeden of the AFC Doomat leaders, the Cleveland Brownies.   Could it get any more competitive?

Just let Tony Romo get warmed up, and watch an Doormat All-Star's all-star go to work.

Romo connects on FIVE- count 'em- FIVE, interceptions, vaulting himself into the INT King lead with 8 !!!!   I really can't believe what's going on in this league.  The Doormat vibe is so high, it's front and center a big part of the entertainment.  

To cap off this Herculean feat, Romo has TWO of his interceptions returned for TDs.  Geez, what ELSE could he do?   Keep an eye on the Cowpies- I mean, Cowboys, boys.  Any team that can turn in this kind of performance is destined for great things in the Doormat.  

The interception total for the weekend balloons to a gaudy 31, tying what I thought was going to be the season record set in Week 1.  Wow!  We have FOUR QBs on pace to clear 30 ints.  25 ints took the crown last year.

Move over, Fitzpatrick, Weeden and Cassell, there's a new gunslinger in town.

-wacko

The Doormat Division: NFL WEEK 4 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

The Doormat Division:  NFL Week 4 Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division is about who is doing the worst, and doing it best.

It was an incredible weekend for racking up the stats in the Doormat, and I don’t see why we shouldn’t tack them up right now:

NFL Week 4 Worst Stats!!!!!

Turnovers: 6                 Bills, Chiefs 

Interceptions:  4            Ryan Fitzpatrick, Bills  (season total 7, tied for lead)

Fumbles lost: 3            Jets, Chiefs

Points:  0                      Jets

First downs:  9              Jets             (noticing a trend?)

Total yards: 145            Jets   (Biplanes? Cropdusters?)

Pass yards: 100            Jets, Vikings

Rush yards: 28            Cardinals  (Jets 45)

Most yards and still lost: 438            Bills (Panthers 426)

Out-gain the other team and still lose:     +114  Lions  (Saints and Panthers do it too)

3^rd down conversion:  1-12     Raydurzz

Sacked:  8        Cardinals (and they WON)

Punts:  9           Cardinals (and they WON)

Total interceptions: 26

Total lost fumbles: 20  that’s a LOT.  It’s usually about 10.

Penalties: 10-107      Buccaneers  (Ravens got 11, but only 100 yards)

Time of poss: 22:35            Raydurzz           

THE DOORMAT STANDINGS:

 Won-lost and point differential

AFC

Cleveland     0-4   -25

Tennessee     1-3   -70

Oakland        1-3   -58

Kansas City  1-3   -48

Jacksonville  1-3   -35

NFC

AINTS         0-4    -20

Carolina       1-3    -29

Detroit          1-3   -14

Tampa Bay   1-3   -9

St. Louis       2-2   -12

  

BACK ON TOP!!

AINTS  27, PACKERS 28

We knew they would struggle, but who—eeeeee!!!  The Aints sit alone atop the NFC Doormat standings at a mighty 0-4,  after a wild finish where Saints kicker Garrett Hartley kicks a go-ahead 43-yard FG with 2:49 left, but WAIT- there’s a Saints penalty, so it’s a 53 yarder now, but wait the Packers are offside, so it’s a 48-yarder now.  After all that, the only thing to do is just miss the stupid uprights and lose.  Done.  Next galling loss: Chargers.  The AINTS are smokin’ hot.  I’ve never seen a team score so many points and lose.

 UGLY LOSS OF THE WEEKEND

This is a tough one.   How about the Bills, who, leading 21-7 early in the 3^rd,  turn on the turnover machine and cough it up SIX TIMES and get run over in a runaway loss 52-28 to the Pats?  At Home? A Come From Ahead Loss that turns into a Blowout? Ryan Fitzpatrick, not about to let some rookie in an orange helmet with no logo steal his interception crown, cashes in 4 killer INTs and ties Brandon Weeden for the league lead at 7.  Toss in a couple fumbles and what an ugly loss.  Go get ‘em Nils!

Or this one-

VIKINGS 20, LIONS 13

The Yikings don’t score a TD on offense.  The Kittens special teams start digging a freeway in the Kat Box, and the Yikes run back a punt and a kickoff for 2 TDs. Peeeeuw! Kittens can’t light the wet fuse that is their late game heroics (which aren’t winning games anyway) and bring back the memories for the faithful in Detroit.  Where’s my Matt Millen cut-out?

In the last 4 seasons, plus up to Week 4 this year, the Kittens have beaten teams with winning records exactly TWICE.  And the last one was TWO YEARS AGO against the Packers.  Rowr!  Ffft!! 

Or THIS ONE:

CARDINALS 24,  DOLPHINS 21

The Floppers, leading 21-14, with 5:00 left in the game, turn to rookie QB Ryan Tannehill to pull out the loss-  putting one on the rug that the Cardinals snag and then drive to tie the game with and send this baby into overtime.  Tannehill then wisely plays the INT card in OT and the Cruds have no option but to line up the kick and scrape one over the uprights for the win.  Despite getting sacked 8 times, throwing two INTs, getting 28 yards rushing and amassing 435 yards on 9 punts, the Crudinals cannot catch a break and keep on winning.  They’re 4-0 for crying out loud.  We’ve still got their bobblehead on the bar in the Basement!   The Flops live on in Doormat lore. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

RAMS 19, SEAHAWKS 13

The Lambs get out-coached again by Pete Carroll, and the Seahags remind us that they aren’t out of the basement yet by losing to the worst NFC team of the past decade. 

TEXANS 38, TITANS 14

 Titanics get blown out in a solid loss.  Tennessee stays in the Doormat race at 1-3.

BENGALS 27, JACKSONVILLE 10

Flying under the radar this week, the Gaguars just put in the time and get the loss.  Nothing fancy.  Just straight-up professional losing.  

FALCONS 30, PANTHERS 28

Yet another loss snatched from the jaws of victory, the Panthers pull off a classic, pinning the opponent at the 1 with a minute to go…and losing the ballgame.  The Panthers really need to play the AINTS and decide who can rack up the most yards and points and STILL lo- Oh, wait, they already beat the AINTS for their only victory.  The AINTS rule the roost!   

CHARGERS 37, CHIEFS 20

Whenever you hear me saying the Cheaps should win a game, don’t believe it.  Deep down I don’t believe they should win a single game, and boy did they do it up at Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium yesterday.  Don’t let that score fool you.  It might as well have been 222-0.  SIX turnovers and a world of hurt for the football fanatics that had to watch that bombshell of a detonated football game.  The Cheaps still have Oakland on the schedule-twice, the Dolts and the Brownies.  It will be tough, but don’t count them out yet in the tough AFC Doormat.   Next Loss: Baltimore. 

aaaAAAAAAAND That’s The View from the BASEMENT!!!!

The Road Ahead: NFL Week 4 Doormat Style

WEEK 4.  When true Doormat tendencies start to really show up.  And show up big.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS  (0-3) at GREEN BAY (1-2)

It's going to take a small miracle for the Aints to start their turnaround in Green Bay.   The Aints defense has blitzed 28 times, and 22 times the pass was completed (78.6% failure rate).  On those blitzes, they've given up 3 touchdowns and made NO interceptions.  It appears the Aints defense has ceased targeting ANYBODY.

The Packers have not exactly been winning going away...and if fact sport a losing record (1-2).  They lead the league in sacks allowed (16). Yes they got robbed last week, but what were they doing in that position in the first place?   NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said it best: the controversy is "the beauty of sports and the beauty of officiating."   I am always thinking of beauty when I think of NFL refs.   

ST. LOUIS RAMS (1-2)  host the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-1)

The reason the Packers were in a position to lose on Monday night was the Seahawks might have the fastest defense in the league.  Wow.  That ain't the old Seahag defense from days of yore.  Days of your what?  They days of staring at your shoes while your team blows it again.  The Hags aren't blowing anything right now, and the Rams come sliding under the St. Louis arch with only 5 TDs and NO rushing TDs yet this year.  Sam Bradford is averaging 4 sacks a game, and 7 knock-downs.   The Lambs will be lucky to score a touchdown in this one.  

DETROIT LIONS (1-2) host the VIKINGS (2-1)

Here come the Kittens.  The Vikes will not experience a let-down after last week's upset.  On the contrary, they will be so amped up for this contest that that will be Detroit's only hope-  over-pursuit leading to somebody wide frikkin' open down the other side.  The Kittens cannot keep digging huge holes that they have to climb out of.  It's exciting, but they need to score two TDs in the first quarter for once.  Kittens coach Jim Schwartz will officially be on the hot seat if they lose this one at the Kat Box.  

TENNESSEE TITANS (1-2) at HOUSTON TEXANS (3-0)

It's not clear to me how the Texans are going to lose a game this year.  And certainly not this one.

The Titans have NO running game.  39 yards per game.   Titans QB Jake Locker's only been sacked twice, but he has 2 lost fumbles.  Titans should get to 1-3 without much problem.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (1-2) host the BENGALS (2-1)

Gaguars QB Blaine Gabbert hasn't thrown a TD pass in the first quarter in two years.  But in the fourth quarter this season he has two TDs, 209 yards, and a 122.9 rating.  Of course, one of those TDs came against the spectacular circus that is the Colts secondary on the winning TD last week.  Bengals should grind this game into a million punts.

MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-2) at ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-0)

Ever notice that the Dolphins logo is not wearing a Dolphins helmet?  Their own helmets have a morale problem.  This game is up for grabs, with the real possibility the Crudinals will be 4-0 by Monday.  That's just cwazy.   I'm calling this game EVEN, just cause I need one more week to be convinced of the Floppers true Doormat cred for this year.  

ELSEWHERE:

CHARGERS-CHIEFS

The Chargers might be really bad.  They were really really bad last week.  The Chiefs spent the weekend in the Big Easy last week, and are feeling mighty fine.  Chargers far more likely to slide into the Basement and take up residence.  

PANTHERS at FALCONS

People keep picking the Panthers to upset people and for Cam Newton to be the Michael Jordan of football.  As far as i can tell, he's more Carmelo Anthony.  A ball hog in a game where that's hard to pull off, and you don't win in either.  Pansies are -6 in takeaways and the Falcons are +10.  uh-oh.  

REDSKINS at BUCS

Josh Freeman is not having his 'come-back' year.  I don't know how you can do that when you've had only one decent year in your career.   Redskins lead the league with 99 points.  RGB III was knocked to the ground 28 times last week- it's the 'new' QB.  The one that gets pummeled.    

GIANTS at EAGLES

The Pheebles are the fumble kings in this league (8 on the rug, 6 lost), but it may not be enough.  Wild game in Philly.

RAIDERS at BRONCOS

Raydurzz have to come out swinging like crazy,  kick 3 epic field goals, play the game of their lives in the secondary, and get a kick return for a TD.  Otherwise it's the blow-out of the week and Manning has a field day with the Raydurzz shredded pass defense.   

NFL Doormat Predictions Week 4

This just might be the week that we make a place on the beer-stained, avocado couch for the New Orleans Saints (the Ain'ts). They have really turned around a winning team with one of the better swan dives in recent history. Slump down here, guys! Have some stale popcorn and a warm PBR.

This Saint might be back, and the Ain'ts might be back to the cellar.

And now it is time for the Doormat predictions in NFL Week 4.

Carolina- 24
Atlanta- 28

Seattle- 23
St. Louis- 3

Miami- 36
Arizona- 13

Minnesota- 18
Detroit- 10

San Diego- 21
Kansas City- 14

Cincinnati- 7
Jacksonville- 3

Washington- 18
Tampa Bay- 24

Oakland- 10
Denver- 36

New Orleans-0
Green Bay- 75

Gentleman, pop a cold one and make your predictions.

Brownies Retain Perfect Record

Ravens 23,  Browns 16

They did it.  It took the whole game, and two Hail Marys into the end zone at the end, but the Brownies pulled out the loss in Baltimore.   Brandon Weeden chips in an interception returned for a TD,  one of the grand prizes of Doormat quarterback play.   Joshua Cribbs gets hammered on a kick return, and leaves the game in the first quarter for good.  The Ravens know who to tackle hard.  

The Brownies,  one of the youngest teams in the league,  charged hard in this game.  Seven punts! But only one sack, and the Ravens got called for 11 penalties to only 7 for the Blank Helmets. They actually were close.   Their number #1 offensive threat, kicker Phil Dawson, nailed three field goals.   But, when all is said and done, it doesn't matter how many close games you play.  It's whether or not you lost the damn game.

And the Brownies are a perfect 0-4.   And today, nobody else can say that.  Not even the Aints.  For at least 4 days, anway.     

-wacko