Doormat Division: NFL Week 5 Preview

Brady Quinn goes up against some tough defense

The Doormat Division Week 5 Preview

(Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose.)

This week’s installment of NFL tragi-comedy features some matchups that has Doormat teams everywhere calling NFL commish Roger Goodell and asking for the bye week THIS week.  No dice.  Get your butt out on the field.

Ravens (3-1) at Chiefs (1-3)

Cheaps QB Matt Cassell is putting up Doormat All-Star numbers through Week 4:  5 TDs against 7 interceptions (2^nd place), 13 sacks (4^th), 70.4 rating, not a single completion over 33 yards- all adding up to a powerful ranking of 29^th in the NFL. 

Time to bench this perennial disappointment?  It depends- do you want to win the Moldy Carpet?  Yes?  Then bring in back-up and Doormat God Brady Quinn!!  And you thought he was running a waffle house back in Columbus.  It’s a shame Brady hasn’t been able to find a team bad enough to get a few starts in, because the memories from his days guiding the Brownies to 9 punts and a field goal are still as vivid as my experiences this week after eating a hamburger of dubious lineage at It’s Tops!  Who can forget the Brownie Bomb: the screen pass that sailed over the entire bench and into the crowd with startling accuracy?  The two-skip passes that would’ve looked great if we’re skipping stones on Lake Erie? The 3 and outs that ate up at least :35?  A career passer rating of 66.8 and no stats for the last two years as the Mighty Quinn has been the secret weapon kept on ice by- who knows? 

So, forget it, Cheaps fans, Cassell it is, and good luck to ya.   Now, having said all that, the Ravens can turn in a real stinker on occasion and the Cheaps are going to be really desperate today.  1-3 and the season fading fast……

EDGE: CHIEFS

Browns (0-4) at Giants (2-2)

The Brownies are not better- just different.  Last year at this time they were 2-2, and don’t you forget it.  Brownies QB Brandon Weeden will need at least 2 interceptions to regain the INT King lead, but I think his -4  league leading TD/INT (3-7) ratio is not in danger.  Giants keep everybody in the game, and if it comes down to a field goal the Browns have the foot in Phil Dawson, a perfect 8-8 and 4-4 from over 50 yards.  

EDGE:  Browns, but juuuuust barely

Bears (3-1) at Jaguars (1-3)

The Bears, as usual, have not beaten a team with a winning record yet this year.  The Jags last victory was two weeks ago.  Make that three weeks.  The Gaguars are money in the Doormat Division.

EDGE:  JAGUARS

Dolphins (1-3) at Bengals (3-1)

The Bengals are second in the NFL with 16 sacks, and rookie Flopper QB Ryan Tannehill gets to check it out first hand.  If they can’t get to Tannehill, look out- the Bengals do give up points and passing yards.

EDGE:  DOLPHINS

Texans (4-0) at Jets (2-2)

Texans should just pummel the Jets for two humiliating defeats at home in a row for Rex Ryan’s lost army.  If Mark Sanchez doesn’t do something quick, like avoid 9 punts and a goose egg, Ryan is going to have to think about something he doesn’t want to think about.  Timmmeeeeeee!  WR Santonio Holmes is out.  What else can happen to the Jets?

EDGE:  JETS

Bills (2-2) at 49ers (3-1)

Democratic Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick should get back in front of Tony Romo in the INT race, and maybe even chalk up another INT for a TD.  The possibilities are endless for this game.

EDGE:  BILLS

Titans (1-3) at Vikings (3-1)

The Titanics wheel out museum piece Matt Hasselbeck and stun the Vikes.   Vikings still beat them.

EDGE:  Titans

Packers (2-2) at Colts (1-2)

The Dolts rest a week, make a good game plan, and Andrew Luck shreds the Packer defense while Aaron Rodgers tries to get his sack lead back.   Colts win.

EDGE:  Meat Packers

Seahawks (2-2) at Panthers (1-3)

Cam “gimme the ball” Newton gets a win.  Somebody has to have a losing record in the NFC West.

EDGE: Seahawks

Chargers (3-1) at Saints (0-4)

This is, without a doubt, the most improbable combination.  Somehow the Chargers are 3-1 and the Saints have stumbled so badly that the paper bags are coming out in New Orleans.   Norv Turner will have his team ready for this one.  They get the loss.

EDGE:  Chargers

Doormat Division 2011 Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION 2011 PREVIEW!!!!

Welcome to 2011 every single fan of flailing failure and futility!

See that photo? Memorize that number and name, because it has everything to do with who will be hugging (well, holding at arm’s length) the Moldy Carpet come next January.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is just two more embarrassing preseason games away, and we’ve decided to give it a new name:

The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes

The big question on everyone’s mind: how many games into the season is it reasonably acceptable to start tanking every game? Without being obvious. It’s going to be an extremely hard fought race to the basement this year, because Mr. Luck is every fan’s and GM and coach's wet dream, daydream, late morning fantasy, early evening staring off into space at the dinner table… I’ve watched this guy live a couple times, and he’s Jim Plunkett and Bart Starr and Johnny Unitas and Tom Brady and Big Ben and…okay he’s not Ben Rothlisberger. Who Cares? I haven’t seen a kid throw with that kind of timing and accuracy and daring since…..Dan Fouts for Oregon waaaay back in the 70’s.

He can throw the uncanny 45 yard heave. It’s so Plunkett.

So who is preparing now for next year’s preseason already? Already putting on extra cologne are the San Francisco 0-for-9ers. 49er fans who aren’t catching on are angry that Alex Smith is the starting QB. People, people! He’s cannon fodder for the next 16 games. Should he survive. We WANT him dropping back and throwing low into the line for the WHOLE season. And, the Niners have the tools to take it all the way: No defensive secondary. NONE. Their offensive line is sooooo bad at blocking that next year's anti-concussion rules will be called the Smith Rule. There is NO left tackle. It’s not even on the depth chart. They have an orange cone taking care of business over there in Alex’s in blind spot. That and a 5’7” fullback. Woo-hoo!!

Add to this coach Jim Harbaugh, Luck’s coach for the last 3 years down on the Farm at Stanford. Here, kitty kitty. Combine this with the stupidest ownership team in football (well, the Pansies are maybe ahead here, give credit where credit is due), and the cocktail is looking pretty good for a LOT of losing. You should have seen Harbaugh’s face somewhere in the second quarter of the Texan’s blowout of the Red and Gold last weekend. It was, clearly, the “OH CRAP we’re screwed here” look. You're not screwed, Jim- just good positioning for the future.

Advice to Mr. Luck- don’t go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever drafts you just so you can reunite with coach Harbaugh. Go all Peyton Manning and refuse to play for whoever has the worst O-line.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Predictions based on hearsay, stats, gut feelings, and tradition:

Detroit Kittens: Put your money on these guys as this year’s longshot to make the Super Bowl. Not win it, but get there. At least making the NFC Championship game. The Kittens, unless made-of-glass QB Stafford goes down in 2 weeks and Sean Hill has to take over, are a wild card playoff team, and will put some heat on the Packers. I can’t say Adios Bro-Cha-Chos yet, but I’ve got the confetti and balloons all ready. The defense has improved enough so they won’t get all pooped out mid-third quarter and blow the games anymore. Look for some of the wildest, highest scoring affairs in the league from these guys this year. Finish: 10-6

Cincinnati Bungles: Carson Palmer held out. Now, that’s just ridiculous. The Bungles should be just as bad as ever. Nothing to see here folks. Does Cincinnati have a hockey team? No? Gonna be a long winter. Finish: 2-14

Carolina Pansies: Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Cam Newton is QB. Just keep saying that, and maybe you can visualize an entire team. It’s your only hope. Your owner is completely nuts. He’s weirder than Al Davis, and he doesn’t have the excuse of being 1000 years old. Finish: 3-13

Kansas City Cheaps: Last year’s biggest playoff phonies, the Cheaps aren’t pretending anymore. It’s back to the basement! So far, they still have NO offense. 23 points in 3 preseason games!! Keep that up and they can set the record for lowest point average all time, de-throning the Atlanta Falcons. These guys need Andrew Luck real bad. Finish: 1-15

St. Louis Lambs: The NFC Worst, the only division EVER to have a champ with a losing record (thank you Seattle goodnight!), is up for grabs. There is no reason we can’t have another losing team take the division. The Lambs are floating to the top, since the other 3 are all-in on the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. Lambs are still Doormats- but they have an actual QB. Finish: 8-8

Buffalo Nils: Fast becoming a Doormat stalwart, the Nils…the Nils played a lot of close games last year. Have they gotten better? Are they in shape? Can they still breathe in the 4^th quarter? We won’t find out until week 5, when the excitement of the new season drains away, and the stench off Lake Erie comes wafting across the city. Likely Andrew Luck contestant. Finish: 5-11 with potential to win 8.

Cleveland Brownies: Year 2 of Mike Holmgren as GM. Year 3 is put up or shut up. The goal for these clowns is to get out of the 10-loss club. Colt McCoy official designated run-for-your-life Brownie. Finish: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts: Or is that the Charger’s nickname? No matter, they won’t need it. But, without Peyton Manning, these guys will. Last year the ONLY thing they had going for them was the sheer will of Peyton Manning. If he can’t go, it’s CURTAINS for this team and WELCOME TO THE BASEMENT!!!! We’ve got a spot for them right at the wet-bar. When will they join the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, realizing that Peyton is getting old? Finish: 3-13

Arizona Crudinals: Their last two preseason games are Doormat warm-ups, Denver and Carolina. Hey they could finish the preseason 3-2 and give false hopes to every retiree in Arizona. Derek Anderson is gone (he’s on the Pansies!!! WOW!!!!), and so perhaps they now have a QB who doesn’t two-skip it to the tight end. These guys are Andrew Luck Sweepstakes people, because they are still squinting in hopes that Kurt Warner is actually taking snaps. Finish: 2-14

Oakland Raydurz: After the fight-o-rama at Candlestick Park, where 3 people got shot in the parking lot after an afternoon of incredible ugliness, the Raydurz follow it up with a 40-20 loss to New Orleans, which was an IMPROVEMENT over the 49er game. Why? Nobody got shot. These guys are going backwards. Finish: 6-10

Denver Donkeys: Last year’s AFC Doormat Champs, these guys are so bad, Tim Tebow is not starting. I can’t imagine these guys crawling out of the pit. Finish: 5-11

Houston Texass-tons: Texans have an offense that will rip apart every mediocre or bad team in the league, and have a pass rush. These guys are leaving the 10 club. Finish: 9-7.

Two more warm-up games (which look painfully like the regular season for Doormat Fans) before the losing begins in earnest. 2 more games to say ‘we’re working out the kinks.’ And then all those missed assignments and poor line communications will settle in like a fog over the stadium, obscuring the win column, and the upper reaches of the standings. So, stock the fridge, and set your remote on STUN, because you are going to need some strong numbing powers to make to the finish line this year. And may the Worst team Win.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!!!