Niners Obliterate Cardinals in Spectacular Loss

SAN FRANCISCO 21, ARIZONA 33

In a classic Thursday Night Doormat battle between two 1-3 NFC Worst teams, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners out-terribled the Arizona Crudinals in a display of dysfunction that may be nearing perfection.  It was stunning.

Unfortunately, in the Basement, when teams achieve this perfection, they do insane things like change quarterbacks.  Hence, today's picture.

BUT, last night, the Niners started out with the black unis, hoping, perhaps, that no one would see or recognize them, and snagged the loss and now have a 1-4 record that looks like 2-14 to us. In between, it was first a hail of punts, hilariously overthrown- and I mean comic- balls right down the middle over the helpless wide open receiver who had nothing between themselves and paydirt, dink 3rd down passes that have no chance, then taunting penalties (after a measly first down), dropped wide open passes, 7 sacks, 3 turnovers, and just wow.  And I mean WOW, Doormat fans.  

The Crudinals, who are not so bad at this Doormat style themselves, sporting back-up QB Drew Stanton, held their own in the first quarter, punting with a vengeance (9 for the game), and even giving the Niners the first touchdown.  Sort of 'spotting' it, you might say.  But then, a quick interception from 49er QB Plain Gabbert, and a 1 play drive got the Cards their first TD.  

After that, it was just a matter of time. The Cards couldn't keep up with the team that never has gains over 20 yards (last in the league), runs an offense that looks strangely like some college ball scheme designed to take advantage of out-of-shape and not well coached kids (instead of teams of professionals), and has a crowd so sparse (Oakland A's sparse...Tampa Bay Devil Rays sparse) that the boo birds can't even get a wail up above the level of  "plaintive bleating."  Pour me another bowl of Cheese Balls, guys, it's ART.  It's soap opera, at least.

Now, when you really want to win the Moldy Carpet, it's all about how you come out in the second half- and what can you say to muffing the 2nd half kickoff, stopping the Cards at the 15 but then run into the kicker on the 4th down FG attempt, give the Cruds a first down, and then give up the touchdown on the next play?  Pack up the tuna sandwiches, honey, it's time to go home.  Oh, wait, that's an empty seat I'm talking to.  

It was all perfect. Now, the Whiners really don't have much in the way of options, so that's the plus in the Moldy Carpet drive. They have no stars, except one with a big afro on the bench, can't really execute the offense, and the defense, though clearly not buying into the Doormat philosophy completely, still gave up 33 points on a night when they were playing hard.

p.s.  We were baffled by the announcers giving Gabbert a vote of confidence (he's only lost everywhere he goes, and it's not the system, OK? Just WATCH) and a kind of school-marm admonishment to the critics, while also putting forward the usual baloney about why Kaepernick is not the right choice. It sounded like paid announcements, and, worse, a veiled cover for dislike that has been hurled Kaepernick's direction since he started taking a knee. Jesus Mary Joseph the WHOLE TEAM is taking a knee in the department of competitiveness, and if they want to have any chance of winning a game, they need to put that guy out there.  He can at least throw an accurate ball down the middle. 

aaaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

Rams Crush Crudinals for Braggin' Rights in the NFC West

CRUDINALS EXPOSED

Rams 17,  Cardinals 3

In the game to decide who is moving ahead of who in the NFC Worst, and out of the dog house, the St. Louis Lambs take it to the University of Phoenix Crudinals even more decisively than expected here in the Basement.   With absolutely NO running game, the Cruds attempt to go all air on the Lambs, and  it was the GREEN LIGHT to the new Rams defense that, apparently, has more than Mutton Chops.   EIGHT SACKS, and TWO helmet removals on QB Kevin Kolb.   Kolb vaults past Aaron Rodgers into the sack lead with an astronomical 22 in just 5 games.   Wow!

The Cruds generate zero offense, which is saying something in this game, as Lambs QB Sam Bradford turned in one of the worst games of his career, though he kept the interceptions to a meager one.   At one point Bradford was 3 for 16 for 45 yards!  But then he connected on a 51-yard TD to Chris Givens and his yardage total got all bloated.  He finished 7-21 for 141 yards, maintaining a passer rating below 70 (69.7).  That's just plain Doormat All-Star, and the guy won anyway.  

The Rams have won every home game.  That's gotta feel good up in the stands.  

Holy Cow the LAMBS have a winning record!!!!   I can't say Adios Bro-Cha-Cho yet, as they have to get to 8 wins, but the Rams are showing signs of beating up the other mediocrities hanging around our patio.  Next up: MIAMI

If the Seahags can pull out a win this Sunday against Carolina, the entire NFC West will have a winning record, and that hasn't happened since 1898!   

-wacko

Thursday Night Lowest TV Ratings Ever

Arizona Cardinals at  the St. Louis Rams

The University of Phoenix Crudinals are an improbable 4-0,  and nobody is taking them seriously.  C'mon, admit it.  You think the 49ers are leading the NFC West, right?  The Cruds offense is worse than last year (29th vs. 19th), but are scoring more points.  They have barely won 3 of their 4 games, with last week's OT victory over the Floppers taking it to the limit.  

The St. Louis Lambs,  our projected team to actually be trying to stop being a Doormat, are an improbable 2-2,  and are averaging a full TD more in points (19)  than last year's Moldy Carpet winning performance (12).  They lost in the final 5 seconds to the Lions, won in Washington where QB Sam Bradford cleared the 300 yard passing mark (!!!),  got clobbered by Chicago, and won last week's Stiff of the Week over the Seahawks in a blazing display of field goal kicking.  

Both of these teams are actually attempting to not be bad anymore.  Tonight decides which one gets bragging rights in the NFC West in the Doormat No More department, and which one stops being improbable.

Some numbers:

sacked:   Bradford  14  (2nd in league)   Kevin Kolb  13 (3rd)

TD/INT  Bradford - 4/4       Kolb   7/2

 Offense rushing:  Cards  65yd a game     Lambs  90.5

Give/Take  Cards +4   Lambs  +2

The Lambs run defense is 26th, giving up 135 yards a game.  

The Cruds have allowed ONE rushing TD.   

The Lambs have snagged 8 interceptions while the Cruds lead the league in sacks with 16.  

It could be a really long night for Bradford.  Or really short.  

Can Kolb get back to throwing the killer interception?  

EDGE TO LOSE:  This is really close.  Lambs have not beat the Cruds at home since 2004.   LAMBS.

             

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 11 Warp Up and Cosmic Dust

An Idle Brain is the Doormat’s Playground!

The Indianapolis Colts did not play yesterday. Please call this number, (800) 805-2658 to try out for QB. Or RT. Or DB. Your choice. Operators are standing by.

WORST BEST WORST TEAM OF THE DAY

San Francisco 49ers 23, Arizona Cardinals 7

Having trouble getting your Doormat mojo going? We’ve got the solution for you.

Play the 49ers! The Crudinals were the latest team to get the opportunity to hone their doormat techniques against the guys who cause more bonehead plays than any other team in the league. 5 turnovers, 11 first downs, 1-9 on 3^rd down, blown reads, fisticuffs, passes that made me check the roster and make sure that wasn’t Derek Anderson out there, 48 total plays…. Where does coach Ken Whisenhunt find these guys? With 7 minutes left in the 3^rd quarter, the Crudinals time of possession was 9:30, and they set a new Doormat World Record, holding the ball for a miniscule 15:44, a good 1:17 better than the previous record, with the number being inflated by garbage time, and a third string quarterback who actually made some decent reads. QB John Skelton (pass rating of 10.1) is headed for the bench, if they have one in the doghouse. The Cardinal offense, which actually ran the ball ok yesterday (but didn’t seem to notice), is basically “Where’s Larry?” 49er defensive coordinator Vic Fangio said before the game “prepare for Skelton? We don’t have to- he just stares down (WR) Larry Fitzgerald on every play.” Ouch! I hadn’t seen a QB throw away more passes to nowhere in particular since….well, just last season, and it was the Crud’s QB. Skelton even got flagged for intentional grounding when he was actually TRYING to throw to a receiver, but it was an impressive 15 yards off target. Carry on, men.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Seattle Seahawks 24, St. Louis Rams 7

Yes, I know, how can we call a game the Stiff when 4 touchdowns were scored??

Because these guys got off a world record 19 punts, with the fabulous St.Louis Lambs completely outdoing themselves with a season high 10.

To get in 19 punts, you have to start punting on 2^nd down. You have to be punting with abandon. You have to have no interest in using good field position. Now, you’d think that, with 19 punts, somebody would eventually call the Blocked Punt run back for a Touchdown play, but..no. The Lambs played their usual bombed-out game, with punching bag Sam Bradford holding onto the ball so long he named it, and hit the turf for 5 sacks, 7 hits, two sack-&-fumbles (ball-y come back!), one of which set up the Seahag’s second TD nicely. Seattle got into doormat rhythm early, starting off the game with TWO interceptions, and the Lambs actually FOUND the end zone on the second one (a 30 yard drive, an immense distance in Lamb measurement- not to be confused with sheep herding). The Lambs are firmly in the chase for the NFC crown, a solid 2-8. Seahags now have 4 wins, which would have been good enough for first last year in the NFC Worst. Now, it’s just good enough for a spot on the sofa in the Basement. Another great Slufgest- you can always count on the Seahags to be part of the party, losers or not.

NON SHOCKING SHOCKER OF THE WEEK!

Miami Dolphins 35, Buffalo Bills 8

8 points?? The Nils are almost back- 5-5 and are getting it done on the road- 4 straight losses away from home. Allmighty Dad called this one. The Floppers are just pulverizing teams, and the Nils are pure Pulver, whatever that is. Nils do not converts a single 3^rd down conversion, going 0-12. We refused to take the Nils logo off our mast when they started out on fire, and our wisdom prevails. The Nils started off the game with the dreaded quick field goal, and that was pretty much it. Floppers still just 3-7, but aren’t acting like doormats at all. Nils on the road again next week @ NY Jets. It’s put up or shut up time in the basement.

The REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Cleveland Browns 14, Jacksonville Jaguars 10

The Brownies finally scored a touchdown in their own stadium yesterday, going nearly 3 games without a TD. The 2 touchdown explosion in the Dawg Pound was so shocking that the Brownies tried to make up for my blowing yet another FG with 2:50 left in the 4^th quarter (actually Phil Dawson is one of the better kickers in the league), and then allowing the Gaguars to get all the way to 1 yard line, where the Gags pulled the final gag, with QB Blaine Gabbert throwing a bullet through the end zone on the final play of the game to seal the loss. Gags still a towering 3 games off the pace at 3-7 in the Doormat, but made yesterday’s loss so painful that it really should count for two.

Oakland Raiders 27, Minnesota Vikings 21

It’s QB Rookie-o-Rama in this league, the the Yiking’s Christian Ponder got a real nice visit from the entire Raider defense yesterday, collaborating for 5 sacks, a fumble, 3 INTs, and an excellent Futile Comeback (you’re getting clobbered and then you make it close, but do not endanger the loss, in the final minutes), which have been few and far between this season. The Raiders tried their usual Penalty Drive, giving the Yikings SEVEN, I say , SEVEN first downs from penalties. 2011 high so far. It didn’t matter. The Yikings are still neck and neck with the Lambs and Pansies for 1^st the NFC Doormat at 2-8. It’s gonna be a helluva stretch drive.

Philadelphia Eagles 17, New York Giants 10

The Pheebles. Michael Vick broke some ribs. Vince Young (Michael Vick Lite), came in and did his best impression with three INTs, but it was not enough. Pheebles defense plays inspired, and Eli Manning hits the fake grass-like material all day. Andy Reid saves his job for another week.

Detroit Lions 49, Carolina Panthers 35

Pansies are, yet again, in another wild one, most entertaining game played yesterday, but still chalk up the “L,” and I gotta say, I really haven’t seen anything quite like this team. It doesn’t really matter how many points the Pansies score, the other will score more. It is written. Except for next week, when the Pansies pull into Indianapolis for a quiet game being held for a select audience of masochists. Be there or be somewhere else better for your health. Odessa, Texas comes to mind.

Chicago Bears 31 San Diego Chargers 20

So, who is the better one-man wrecking crew? Philip Rivers or Michael Vick?

It’s really close, but today I gotta go with Rivers, because he manages to look like a real pain in the ass to play with, showing up his teammates on the field, throwing a lot of bluff on the sidelines, jawing with his coach, and laser-beaming game killing INTs on a regular basis. This guy pulls into first this week. Doormat All-Star of the Week. The…21% introductory Rate Chargers (yes, their name really is related to credit cards) fall to 4-6 and look like they could lose a raft of games to end the season. Bears lose Jay Cutler, who played with a broken hand for the whole game. Does that make up for his weenie act in last year’s playoffs?

Dallas Cowboys 27 Washington Redskins 24 (OT)

Deadskins take it to OT, playing their best game of their 6 game slide, but the slide continues, and next week they’re playing Stiff of the Week monsters Seattle over there in Cloud City, so the adrenaline of the rivalry is all gone now, and it’s back to just plain lousy football. Deadskins still in the race at 3-7. Prognosticator Allmighty Dad called this score exactly.

Kansas City at New England

The Cheaps should make us proud.

Even without the Cheaps final stats, here are

This Week’s NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11:

Points: 3 Cheaps

First downs 11 Buncos, Crudinals

Yards 185 Lambs (a measly 15 yards per possession!!)

Rushing 41 Nils (2.1 yards per rush)

Passing 104 Buncos

Turnovers 5 Yikings, Crudinals

3^rd down con 0-12 Nils

sacks 5 Yikings, Lambs

punts 10 Lambs (ties record)

penalties 13-100 Seahags (Raiders still get more yards-117)

passer rating 10 Crudinals

time of poss: 15:44 Crudinals

NFL Doormats...as the Turkey Spins

Crudinals hope to use the sneak crawl -between-their-legs-and-score-a-touchdown play against the Lambs

The Gaguars, Yikings, and Pansies don't play this week. So not a lot of doormat action, but there are some great turkeys to see in Week 9 as we have some can't miss Doormat match ups among the worst teams in the NFL.

But before we get to the spinning turkey, here is a quick look at one of the greatest Doormat teams of all time. the 1933 Cincinnati Reds (that's football Reds, but they were so bad it may have been the baseball team having some fun and getting their teeth removed on the cheap in the off-season). In 1933 the Reds scored 38 points in 10 games (tying them for second with Detroit for the all-time low-scoring complete season). However, in 1934 the Reds only scored 10 points in 8 games before the NFL asked them to leave the league because they were so bad (and the owners were so crooked).  To get some perspective, the St. Louis Lambs have managed 87 points in seven games (but 31 on them last week), and the Jacksonville Jaguars have mustered 98 points in 8 games (9 times better than the Reds).  So the Reds really were about as Doormat as you can get.

But now it's time for our current Doormats predictions for Week 9 as the Worst of the NFL continue their quest for the Moldy Carpet. OK, Don, spin the frozen turkey:

Seahags- 8
Cowpies- 16
(This may be the doormat game of the week)

Dolts- 13
Falcons- 28
(Peyton wants back on the field, but not this week)

Floppers-21
Cheeps-18
(Actually, this might be the doormat game of the week and the Floppers finally get a W)

Brownies- 28
Texans- 14

Bungles- 10
Titanics- 31

Buncos- 7
Raydurz- 21

Lambs- 3
Crudinals- 14
(OK, never mind, this is definitely the doormat game of the week.)

Though the turkey spun to the Crudinals, I have to say, I believe the Lambs will ride the wave started last week and soak the Crudinals in Arizona.

The oracle from the basement has spoken. Gentlemen, post your predictions!

Doormat Division: NFL Week 8 Par-tay!!

PARTY IN ST. LOUIS!!!!

St. Louis Rams 31, New Orleans Saints 21

You didn’t see that coming, did you? What was our prediction? 73-0? 222-0? Here’s what we all forgot: the Saints tend to play really poorly the week after they blow somebody out. And I mean. Cardinals win the World Series and the Lambs actually win a game. Averaging a blowout per game (28-9 average), the Lambs get in on the parade in St. Louis, dunk the Saints in the Big Muddy repeatedly, and Stephen Jackson runs right over the victory-addled Saints in a good old-fashioned beat-down upset. The throwback unis didn’t hurt either. Upset of the year so far. The Lambs lead for 39 minutes, which is 6 times as long as they’ve been ahead ALL SEASON. Nearly everybody took off for the Cardinals parade right after the game, but left a few deputized hard-core tailgaters to guard the scoreboard and make sure it was still 31-21 until well after midnight.

Job well done! The Lambs, er, Rams, now have 87 total points, ballooning their points average up to a gaudy 12.4, seriously jeopardizing their chances to break the record set by the amazing Atlanta Falcons of 1974 (7.9). They also leave the ranks of perfect records, leaving just the Dolts (0-8), Floppers (0-7) and some team called the Packers. They aren’t even in last place in the NFC Worst, for crying out loud. What kind of a league is this?

Baltimore Ravens 30, Arizona Cardinals 27

I’ll tell you what kind of league it is. It’s where you blow a 21 point lead, and you’re coach says “our guys believe in what we’re doing. If you look at the first half, it shows that if we do it the right way, we can be a good football team.” Uh-huh. A quarter here, a half there, pretty soon, you’ve compiled a WHOLE good football game. Crudinals come crashing to the front of the NFC Doormat lead. Guess who’s on the schedule for next week? The Lambs!!! It’s for all the marbles next week in the desert!! Be There.

Or be somewhere far away.

Perhaps by 'available', she means ready to take a few snaps.

Pulling a “Tebow”

Detroit Lions 450, Denver Buncos 10

Well, we were right. It’s Two Mile High stadium now, after the Buncos get blown Rocky Mountain High (man, that’s good sh-) by the kinda pissed off Detroit Lions. Tim Tebow gets mocked on the turf for prayers to the almighty for everything from soup to fumbles. Wanna take a knee? The Lions were only too glad to help- 7 sacks, 5 fumbles, a ‘pick-6’ and just a good old fashioned trouncing. Buncos back to losing big, like we know they can. Up next: the Headless Raiders. He’s heading into the belly of the beast! Get thee to a nunnery!!

WORST TEAM OF WEEK 8

Buffalo Bills 23 Washington Redskins 0

Hold on, you mean we have to CHOOSE? I’m going with the Washington Deadskins, who gave coach Mike Shanahan his first-ever shutout losing 23-0 to the Buffalo Bills, checking in with 10 first downs, NINE sacks, and 178 total net yards. In a close second were the Gaguars, who have 174 total yards, eight punts and nearly bored the Houston Texans to death. It kept them in the game. Deadskins back on the right side of losing, at 3-4.

The Rest of the Gods of Gawdawful

Minnesota Vikings 24, Carolina Panthers 21

They tried. They really did. The Yikings, Kings of the Come From Ahead Loss, had it all set up as time wound down yesterday, giving the Pansies multiple opportunities to pull out the win, but were thwarted from even sending it into overtime in order to lose there, as the Pansies have kicker Orlando Mare shank one from 3 feet away as time expired. And they did it at home! Ka-Blooey!! Honestly, this game was pretty darn fun to watch, both rookie quarterbacks look good, but that ending- the Pansies still are pulling out the deflating losses, no matter what. My Yikings fall to 2-6, and lose a chance to take the lead in the NFC. Grr.

Tennesee Titans 27, Indianapolis Colts 10

Dolts just keep on rolling, rolling…they just keep rolling alooooooooooong.

What’s going to keep this team from losing them all? Peyton Manning returning, which seems to be never, or the Gaguars who show up twice real soon, or the Pansies- who should trounce the Dolts, but…see above. Dolts have serious shot to go 0-16.

Philadelphia Eagles 34 Dallas Cowboys 7

Tony Romo shows Michael Vick who’s boss, and the Cowpies play their worst game of the year- and that’s not chopped liver. Time of possession 17:51- anything under 18 minutes is like never having the ball all day. That’s like taking Sunday off. Maybe run some errands, get a little yardwork done.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Seattle Seahawks 12

You want chopped liver? The Seahags are your team. Is there really such a thing as a Seahawk, or is that really just a grouchy seagull? I remember throwing chum off the back end of the ferry in the Puget Sound, and the seagulls circling and timing the catch amazingly perfect each time. It’s so pleasing to have a Seahawk catch something you’ve thrown………..not that it happened in Seattle yesterday. Actually, the Hags rang up 350 yards of passing, but shot themselves in the foot so many times in every other phase of the game that they had to play the last quarter driving those ‘retiree’ carts. It was the Jim Zorn Syndrome all over again. Seahags ‘improve’ to 2-5 and the 49ers clinch the NFC Worst.

NY Giants 20 Miami Dolphins 17

The Floppers should have won this game. But, if you’re a Flopper Fan, you can’t say that, because you’d be saying it every week, and people tend to start giving you extra space if you keep saying the same thing all the time. Floppers getting really good at blowing the game late. Still perfect after seven games, the Fish will be hard pressed to go 0-16, though, as bad as they may be. The Cheaps, the Deadskins, the Cowpies , the Pheebles, the Raiders and the Jets can all play a mean game of terrible on any given Sunday, so there’s going to be some more nailbiters like this one. Hang in there, Flopper fans, just be glad the Dolts don’t come to town.

San Francisco 49ers 20, Cleveland Browns 10

Brownies bring it under .500, at 3-4, and just can’t leave the Basement. It’s the orange couch, isn’t it? Make yourself comfortable guys. You have a defense, but still, after all these years, no offense.

THE BEST WORST STATS OF NFL WEEK 8!!!!

Points 0 Deadskins

Yards 174 Gaguars

Rush 26 Deadskins

Pass 90 Gaguars

3^rd dwn conv 2-14 Donkey-Buncos

Sacked 9 Deadskins

Turnovers 3 Donkey-Buncos (plus 1 int for TD!)

Punts: 8 Gaguars, Titans

Penalties: 12-92 Crudinals

Poss: 17:51 Cowpies

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK SEVEN SLUFGEST

The Doormat Division: Where You CAN Win for Losing

Browns 6, Seahawks 3

You can’t just show up in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake-Sale and expect to pick up an easy loss. Forget it. Don’t be fooled by that friendly pregame handshake between the coaches. They’re more malevolent than any Jim Harbaugh explicative and forearm shiver.

Faced with the real possibility of making it to .500, the Brownies do their utmost to position the Seahags for an easy early score and victory, pulling two 3 and outs to start the game, but the Hags counter with three of their own. Undaunted, the Brownies set up a perfect blocked field goal play, giving the Seahags the ball at their own 48 (they tried to let it roll farther, but finally had to down it). Unimpressed , Seattle counters with the most sure play in sports, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, with backup extraordinaire Charlie Whitehurst pulling off the play as best as can be expected from someone who has been on the sideline all year- perfectly. Brownies take over at midfield, take it to 4^th and 3, line up to punt, but Seattle is ready for this, and lines up offside for the classic bonehead dumb-f@*k play by a defense- the neutral zone infraction. You don’t have to burn a single calorie for that. FIRST DOWN- take that, Cleveland. Three more plays of ineptitude, and the Brownies can’t really punt from there, it’s just too obvious, so they have to try a field goal, and the damn thing goes through the uprights. 3-0 Brownies.

[You know, the Brownies have it tough this year- so far they have had to face off with the Dolts (Colts), Floppers (Dolphins), Seahawks, and will still have to play St. Louis, the Crudinals, and the Gaguars. That’s a murderer’s row in the Doormat. That’s a WHO’S WHO in the NFL WORST.]

But back to the game, if we can call it that. 47 punts and an interception later, the Brownies punt again (my foot is sore just writing this) and do the special teams Scramble, opening up a lane a Biggest Loser could fit through, and the Seahags score a touchdown!

Except no! A game-saving penalty illegal block nowhere near the ballcarrier nullifies the phantom only touchdown of the game, and it’s back to the maneuvering. Brownies coach Pete Shurmer flips off Pete Carroll. Seattle continues the brilliant play calling by calling the deep interception. Brownies coaches failed to yell loud enough for the safety to drop the damn ball. Defensive coordinator throws down his clipboard and glowers. Brownies counter with another 3 and out.

Brownies finally put together something so inept that even Whitehurst can’t screw it up, and the Seahags get a long pass for 40 yards. Brownies call a timeout, to arrange the scoring drive from there. A hilariously obvious face mask for 15 yards moves Seattle into field goal range, and the Hags put on the brakes really hard right there. Once again, the ball wobbles through the uprights and the Stiff of the Week (and maybe the century) is TIED. 3-3 mid 3^rd quarter. The lines at the concession stand are epic, and the parking lot barbecues start to smoke.

It’s really a shame this game didn’t go to overtime. What else is there to do in Cleveland than to watch a game of this caliber?? If you want to get an idea of what eternity is like, attend this game. The very next drive the Seahags maneuver the Brownies down the field expertly, falling down, falling over and getting out of harm’s way. Brownies try to stop the carnage, but can’t. Yet another 53 yard field goal floats through the goalposts, and Cleveland regains the lead, 6-3. There was plenty of time of time left, and the Brownies called another blocked field goal play, but it came to nothing as the Hags end the game with a PERFECT bonehead personal foul to give Cleveland the first down and run out the clock. The Brownies tried, but the Seahags had the better game plan, and the most grind-it-out loss of the season goes to the pros from Mold City, the Seattle Seahags. Seahags have possession of ball for only 17 minutes the entire game. This is a Doormat record. Hats off to Pete Carroll and his coaching staff for a brilliant Doormat performance. Whew!

BA-LOOOOOOOWWWWWW-OUT of the WEEK

Colts 7, Saints 62

I don’t know how anybody is going to stop the Dolts. These guys just are hitting on all cylinders. Every single phase of the game is fine-tuned now, right down to the glum wide receivers on the sideline looking up into the domed sky, and the back-up QB who looks personally ashamed for the whole franchise. Unfortunately for the Dolts, the cloning lab Peyton Mannings won’t be ready for another 19 years, so guess what? Settle back and enjoy some consecutive Doormat Molday Carpet Trophies. God, I wish the Lambs were on the schedule. I’d PAY to watch that. Saints win by largest margin in franchise history, which is saying something considering Drew Brees is just about the slingin-est QB on the planet. This record should last until….next week when they play the Lambs.

Rams 7, Cowboys 34

Sam Bradford takes a seat on the bench, and Tony Romo has no answer for the losing machine that is the St. Louis Lambs. The institutional level of losing is so professional, that it’s going to take the Crudinals to get a win out of the Lambs, and I doubt even that.

The Lambs pick up the news that rookie Cowpie RB Demarco Murray does not have a rushing TD yet, and decide to do something memorable: a 1^st quarter 98 yard saunter straight down the field for the longest first career TD since the AFL-NFL merger in 1492. Game over.

SPECIAL HONORS!

Raydurz 0, Cheaps 28

Rustiest QBs award goes to the Oakland Raiders who unveil a barrage of interceptions between Kyle Boller and Mr. Creaky, Carson Palmer, in the kind of embarrassment that had Al Davis spinning in his crypt all afternoon. I hope the lid is real tight on that thing.

3 interceptions apiece for the tag-team Clowns in Silver in Black. SIX interceptions, with two run back for touchdowns. Cheaps have no chance against this onslaught, absolutely no answer, and pull to 3-3. A sell-out crowd of Silver and Blacked Out are wearing two eye patches by halftime. Raydurz in serious trouble and may be returning to the basement immediately. It’s not like we run a tight ship down here, but I really hated cleaning up after those guys.

THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

Honestly, I could be writing all day, yesterday was so incredible.

Dolphins 15, Broncos 18

If it hadn’t been for the Seahags-Brownies, this is the game of the week in the Doormat.

And it didn’t disappoint. The Dolphins, with their perfect record in serious jeopardy, pull off the best Come From Ahead loss of the season, giving up 15 points in about 30 seconds in the 4^th quarter, taking it to overtime and, after the Donkeys do just about nothing in OT, finally call the old standby, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, and the Donks have no choice but to attempt a field goal, which clears the uprights in Miami and sends all those Tim (two left feet) Tebow fans home happy, and the Floppers home still neck and neck (get it?) with the Dolts. 11 total sacks in the game! Up next for the Flops- the Giants, which is no gimme. Donkeys ‘improve’ to 2-4 and play the alarmingly deflated Detroit Kittens next week.

Steelers 32, Cardinals 20

The Crudinals may not be tearing the league up with ineptitude, but they are still pulling down the ‘L’s and you can’t argue with their prime weapon: the perfectly timed penalty. Steelers get 4 free first downs at just the right moment, and the rest is gravy.

Vikings 27, Packers 33

Yet another Come-From-Ahead loss for the Yikings- that’s five out of six losses. It’ll set a record, if they keep it up.

Panthers 33, Redskins 20

Pansies try really hard to keep to field goals, leading only 9-6 at halftime, but it all falls apart in the second half, as the Deadskins start a concerted gameplan of turnovers and orange cone defense (complete with flagmen), and the Pansies have no chance but to run through green lights for the entire second half. Congratulations, Pansie fans. Your team won a second game before the mid-way point of the season.

Tune in tonight for Monday Night Embarrassment, as the Jacksonville Gaguars go on primetime for the Jack Del Rio Swansong against the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes.

THE WORST STATS FOR NFL WEEK SEVEN !!!

Points: 0 Raydurz

First Downs: 9 Seahags

Total yards: 137 Seahags

Passing: 72 Seahags

Rushing: 32 Buccaneers

3^rd down con: 1-12 Kittens (looking like their old selves)

Turnovers: 6 Raydurz

Sacked: 7 Donkeys

Punts: 9 Donkeys (17 for the game total)

Penalties: 14-120 Raydurz (they just don’t stop)

Time of Poss: 17:04 Seahags (Doormat record)

NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap and Disposal

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap-Up and Disposal

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAND THEY’RE OFF!!!!

And we mean OFF. Welcome to the Doormat Division 2011 Season, and, clearly, there is a changing of the guard happening. Fans all over the country are already deflating their expectations after only one game, and let’s start with the biggest balloon pop.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Nils 41, Cheaps 7

Last year’s biggest mirage, the Kansas City Cheaps, stink out Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium in yesterday’s home opener in style. I can’t think of a worse home opener in the last 10 years. 13 First downs, 213 total yards, 3 turnovers (all turned into points), and defense you could run a buffalo herd through.

Like this one:

The Bills (yes I said Bills) looked really good yesterday. Oh, the view of Lake Erie must be especially good this week. But let’s not get all starry eyed. They were playing the Cheaps! Using a traffic cone for the entire left side of their offensive line, the Cheap’s Matt Cassel gets sacked only 2 times, but runs for his life all day.

The Nils put on a beat-down that reminds us of a few flashes they put on late last year, and if they keep this up, they’re going to lose their membership. Next up for the Nils, the RAYDURZ. Next up for Cheaps: The Kittens at the Kat Box. Sayonara.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

There really isn’t a stiff of the week. Only the Gaguars and Titanics kept it under 20 points, no 1 touchdown games, and not a single punt fest. What’s the world coming to?

GAME OF THE WEAK

Arizona Crudinals 28, Carolina Pansies 21

The Face-off between last year’s Doormat champ and the NFC runner-up was a wild affair, but the outcome was still the same. The Pansie’s new golden boy, Cam Newton, racks up 400 yards in passing….and loses. First loss since Jr. College. Welcome to the team, Newt! Pansies still have no defense. Okay, so what’s the news from this game? The Crudinals are also employing the new ‘traffic cone’ defense in their secondary. The Deadskin’s Rex Grossman better get ready for his best game of the season next week against the Cruds. Or maybe that’s just The Crud. The Crud got only 15 first downs, and WON the game- Pansies still giving up the BIG PLAY. Best in the league at it.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Raydurz 23, Donkeys 20

I’m not sure if either team really deserved to win this, but Seabass kicks a 63 yard field goal (what, can’t somebody at least TRY 64 yards??), and had a celebratory ale in a square-toed boot. Kyle Orton does some fancy Dave Krieg impressions in the second half (sack-and-fumble!), and the Donkeys start off the Moldy Carpet campaign on the right hoof. Raiders commit 15 penalties for 131 yards- and they WON. Must think they're the Steelers. Oh, wait, bad analogy today.

Deadskins 28 NY Giants 17

Uh, oh. Maybe it’s the Giants that are going to the bottom of the NFC East. QB Rex Grossman piles up 305 yards of passing, and the team commits almost no mistakes. Giants bumble all over the field, go 1-10 on third down, and put on a false start clinic, particularly effective when done on 3^rd down.

Kittens 27 Bootineers 20

These guys can score. May not be Doormat guys for much longer. Hold your breath. Or eat a mint, okay?

Bungles 27 Brownies 17

Nobody took the Brownies in our Doormat fantasy league. Might want to keep an eye on these guys. How can we forget and forsake them? Bungles commit ZERO turnovers, and only 3 penalties. I can’t believe I’m writing that. Brownies, on the other hand, turn in the kind of performance we’ve come to expect. Drive killing penalties, and plenty of punting, and losing. Actually, these two teams got off 16 punts, which is pretty close to Stiff of the Week credentials. But the score…just too high.

Houston Texans 34, Indiapolis Dolts 7

Kerry Collins looks like a Confederate Colonel…and just as old. These guys could be 0-5 real easy, if Manning doesn’t come back real soon, and also play free safety.

Seahags come out swinging and lose to the Niners (yesterday’s False Start Frenzy), looking really bad. Yikings pull off first really good Come From Ahead loss of the season (and also are the Doormat Team of the Week), Dolphins (Floppers) play football, but remember their desinty in time to put up an ‘L’ ,

And the LAMBS are STILL the Lambs and don’t you forget it. They lose both Stephen Jackson and Sam Bradford to injuries, though Bradford will be back for more punishment next week.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 7 Cheaps and Dolts

First downs: 10 Yikings

Total Yards: 187 Yikings

Rushing: 43 Titanics

Passing: 28 Yikings

Turnovers: 3 multiple teams

Sacks 5 Lambs, Falcons

Penalties: 15 Raiders 131 YARDS!!!!!