It's HALFTIME in the NFL season. Firing time around the league, especially for teams with a BYE week. The teams on the way down are getting kicked around by the teams they were rude to on their way up. Mediocrity abounds. In fact, it's hard to maintain true Doormat cred with so many teams sharing the blunders.
That's not say there aren't some good candidates!
STIFF OF THE WEEK
NILS 10, Cheaps 13 (OT)
Not Every week features two games with solid stiff credentials (see Packers- Jets, which honestly must have been a lot more boring), but I gotta go with the marquee changing of the guard game, the Cheaps on the way up (oh, please) and the Nils absolutey wallowing in failure. How wallow? All Hallow Wallow hollow?
The Cheaps call a timeout right when Nils kicker Rian Lindell hits the game winner in OT from 53 yards. He has to kick it again. He misses. If I was a kicker, I'd go over to the opposing coach and kick him in the nuts after one of those maneuvers.
This sham of a mockery of a sham of a travesty of manipulation of 'icing' has got to be stopped. Think of all the alcoholics who went off the wagon last night in Buffalo after watching their team lose in OT twice in a row. It's bad for society, and it's the leading cause of murder of NFL coaches (c'mon don't tell me you having felt your trigger finger itching when this gets done to YOUR team). But, you know what? The Cheaps keep on winning games they have no business winning, so good luck to them next week against the Raydurz, who have suddenly become the NFL Juggernaut.
The Nils cannot catch a break, period. This could be the game that snuffs out whatever reason they had for showing up sober for practice. Nils fans catch a break next week because the 'home' game is in Toronto vs. the Careless Bears. Says here Nils get their first "W" playing Canadian rules next week.
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
Seahags 3, Raydurz 33
Wait, what? I'm...wait a minute...RAYDURZ WIN TWO IN A ROW!!!! Two BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK in a row!!! Nobody's done that since I started writing up these weekly reviews of ghastly performances. How are they doing it? How ARE they doing it?! With a defense that is crushing people. They finally figured out that coach is right- they're good! Jason Campbell has finally stopped checking down to his 18th option on plays, and suddenly these guys can score. Darren Mcfadden and the rushing game suddenly has room to move, and that guy is a helluva RB.
Seahags get more first downs (3) on penalties than rushing (2), a hilarious Doormat Stat. Seahag QB Hasselback goes down 8 times, averages 2.9 yards per pass (I see the Brownie Bomb play!), they punt 9 times (ice that leg, Mr. Punter guy, and have a Rainer on me). 1-16 on Third down conversions. You don't have games like that and win your division..even if it is the NFC West.
500 yards of offense? The Raydurz??? Al Davis must be smiling in his private inner sanctum, which is good because his smile is really scary now.
The Big Question on everybody's black and silver lips: will some tickets actually sell to a home game so the homeys can watch this transformation on TV during a HOME GAME??? The Silver and Blacked Out have an NFL record number of blackouts going at 457. We'll find out this week when the CHEAPS visit Mt. Davis in Oaktown in a MAJOR tilt in the AFC west. Both of these teams have left the Doormat Building, but I think the Cheaps are going to get it handed to them, frankly.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE
Cowpies 17 Gaguars 35
The Poops keep down the penalties (3), and the punts (3), but make up for it big-time with a drive-snuffing 4 INTs and BOY THAT'S GOTTA HURT DOWN THERE IN TEXAS, WHAT WITH THE RANGERS STINKING UP ARLINGTON.
Gosh, losing to the Gaguars is undeniable proof positive that the Cowpies are in solid competition for the Moldy Carpet Trophy. That's exciting, I'm telling YOU. I'm giving them the inside track. QB threw more catchable INT flyballs than the Rangers hit and I WONDER HOW MANY RANGER FANS ARE SEEING FREDDIE SANCHEZ LEERING AT THEM IN THEIR DREAMS....like the way he goads the pitcher after fouling off 5 or six pitches. Or maybe it's leaping 12 feet in the air to sno-cone a liner, or tagging out guys at second or completing a double-play and- what? Oh, SORRY. Right, football. Guess I've got my rally thong on a little too tight this morning.
Donkeys 16, 0-for-9ers 24
Uh, oh, trouble in San Francisco. Specializing in 'Busts R Us' this year, the Niners trot out Heisman Trophy winner/NFL bust Troy Smith (Ohio St.) at QB (he wasn't even on the roster at the beginning of the year), and the dude goes all responsible and starts making plays in the second half, and the Donkeys have no answer for teams making plays, so BOOM down go the Donks in London. I don't know what the Niners are thinking, putting in a guy with leadership capabilities. They are placing their entire Doormat season in jeopardy. I don't know what to think.
Farvekings, Pansies, Bungles, all LOSE. LAMBIES win AGAIN.
Kittens 37, Deadskins 25
A wild game at Ford Field with a lot of big yardage plays, EIGHTEEN punts, 4 turnovers and Stafford back at QB for the Kittens, and that means even more points and most likely a climb out of the NFC North cellar, what with the FarveKings elbowing their way past everybody. The Kittens are starting to deliver entertainment, which is often accompanied, eventually, with wins. Says here it starts happening more often.
THIS WEEK'S STATISTICAL NIGHTMARES
Points: 0 Jets
First downs: 10 Seahags
yards: 162 Seahags
rushing: 25 Pansies (about 1.2 yards per carry)
passing: 140 Cheaps
turnovers: 4 Cowpies, Cardinals
penalties: 11-105 Raydurz
just plain bad: Cowpies
aaaAAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!
Man, the Cowpies ARE just plain bad, aren't they? Who'dah thunk it.
ReplyDeleteNow we all have to make a final pick as we move into the second half of the season. This is one weird year. Maybe the election is tainting the NFL outcomes, like some Shakespearean tragedy where the cosmos are out of balance because the royals are doing too much skullduggery.
I think the Giants could beat the Donkeys.
ReplyDeleteAnd can we get some new announcers for the World Series? They were serious barf material. I'd never let them near my naugahyde barstool or neon Blitz sign. Honk me an Oly, buckwheat!