The DOORMAT DIVISION DIVISION Weak V WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK V WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL!!!

WOW!! Wow!! What a Weekend!! Can I get some applause for our division?

Can I? Where to start???

I know: How about we make a collage of every low trajectory throw by the 0-for-Niner’s Alex Smith that gets tipped or blocked, thus killing TANTALIZINGLY close come backs? I bet we can get that on two DVDs, if we edit it down to just the throws, and not show the runbacks. Good GRIEF! Would somebody wise up over there in 49er land? Will they? What is this- year FIVE of the Alex Smith “Era?” Is Brady Quinn available? Smith- two inches too short, and two feet too low on almost every throw. Not an NFL QB- OK?

Philadelphia 27, 0-for-Niners 24. Sounds close and well played doesn’t it? Well, it was, for those guys, except- Smith has Gore in the flat for what looks like a 50 yard romp to win the game, but…Alex throws just low enough, and the ball gets tipped. Then he just throws a lame duck into the wind and an Eagle’s arms, and that’s it.

But who to fire? Singleminde- I mean, Singletary, or Smith, or just the whole ridiculous franchise?? I say rip up the flooring and clean out the mold and stink and mud and dig down a couple feet and then pour a new concrete subfloor and improve the drain- oh, wait that’s the ecological disaster I just discovered under my studio. There’s no GOLD under my studio, and there’s no GOLD in 49er land. They’re just good enough to almost win. Ball Game! 0-5! But the 0-for –Niners are NOT in first. No…..

How about these Carolina Pansies? These guys are not the 49ers, and I’m pretty sure the Niners will get their first win against these guys. These guys are incredible.

BEARS 23, Pansies 6 (STIFF OF THE WEAK)

This game meets the Stiff Standards, easy.

Some Pansy stats that just stand out like Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude (whatever that means): no TD. 8 first downs (Bears 13). 9 punts. [The Bears only punted 6 times, but made up for it by doing the Mike Martz Punt- 4 interceptions. ]

7 total interceptions. 4 Carolina fumbles (though they lost none, you almost look worse this way, just bumbling). That’s 22 times the ball changed hands. Think about that.

Average yards per pass- 1.9 (the Bears clocked in at 1.5- that’s a Martz offense, boys).

Pansy yards: 147- and 88 of those came on FIVE plays. They had 62 total plays. Holy crap. This is the kind of game, should you be a fan in the stadium, where you get up to go to the bathroom, and you are relieved to see that the line is long. Then you go find the longest beer line. You’re gone for a whole quarter. Maybe the whole game.

73,000 people witnessed this debacle of epic proportions. Let’s send them all a wreath of condolences. Pansies are #1. 0-5!!

KITTENS 44, Lambs 6 (BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK)

It just gets better doesn’t it? The Kittens bring the Lambs crashing back to earth in last year’s NFC championship rematch and Detroit gets the crowbar out of the trunk of the ’71 Dodge Fury and just clocks the Lambs and tosses them into Lake Michigan, or whatever lake they are next to. Some classic Lambs maneuvers (maneuverboard!):

Lambs kick a field goal and on ensuing kick-off give up 105 yard TD return.

Lambs kick another field goal, with 1:37 left in the half, bringing them to an almost respectable 17-6 hailing distance score, but then let the Lions romp down the field and score a TD with 00:10 on the clock. But it was OK, because it got half the team right by the locker room doors, so they didn’t have to walk all the way across the field, thus getting more time in the locker room. Do they get to eat at half-time? Kittens 1-4 !! Lambs still cellar gold. They aren’t done yet.

The REST of the Sorry Pile:

Tampa Bay is officially out of the league, and DTRocks takes the SeaHags as his team.

Brownies 10, Atlanta 20

Jake Delhomme got into the game for the Brownies and promptly threw 2 INTs.

I hope he’s still got that incredulous expression he sports for those.

Cheeps 9, Indy 19

Whew! I couldn’t have handled 5-0. That would have been just very very wrong.

This was a one-TD game.

Gaguars 36, Nils 26

And All-Doormat game (though I’m sorry, Walkfish, the Gags are now 3-2).

The Nils clear 300 yards total, and looked like a team that plays football today.

No turnovers….QB got a 121 rating. Weird.

And last, but certainly not least, the RAYDURZ win again!!

Raydurz 35, Chargers 27

Check out the first 3 Raydur scores: safety, 50 yard field goal, 5 yard return of blocked punt. And the final Raydur score- 64 yard fumble return. I just love Charger-Raydur games. Too bad this was Blacked Out. It sounds like an old-fashioned AFL lulu.

I’m not doing this week’s lows yet, because I only do that with the paper where I can SEE all the stats at once. Computers suck for that. So, I’m just going to say that the Pansies led in all categories, because it was probably damn close. It was them or the Bears.