The DOORMAT DIVISION Weak VII WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Raydurz 59, Donkeys 14

Wazza? The Raydurz? Not only is this the biggest blowout of the year, it’s the most points the Raydurz have ever scored, all-time. They could have gone for the Redskins’ 72, but they took the foot off the gas, or the Broncos necks, for the entire 4^th quarter. I don’t know why they did that, considering the intensity of this rivalry. Everything worked. Everything. It was 24-0 already when I stepped into my local ribs joint, ordered, looked up at the screen, and dropped my jaw. It was only the first quarter and the Raydurz were already at the Bronco 10 again!!! Raydurz-Broncos is one of the most fierce rivalries in the NFL, and this game, as Moose said, will not go down well in Bronco-land. Boy, did I ever not see this coming- I predicted the Raydurz wouldn’t get a first down until the 3^rd quarter- how about 508 yards of offense, 8 seconds between first two TDs, 8 TDs (team record), Jason Campbell 127.9 passer rating (last week vs. Niners: 10.7), 328 yards rushing! It was the Broncos who couldn’t get a first down. 3-and-out or turnover on 10 of first 13 possessions. Somebody get the Donkeys a seat in the Moldy Carpet Lounge! These guys are going Doormat right now. Al Davis must have felt like a kid again yesterday. Raydurz have emerged from the basement into the very bright light of hope, at least for a day.

STIFF OF THE WEAK

Pansies 23, 0-for-9ers 20

We don’t have a true stiff this week, and one could argue that Skins-Bears was a DOG, or the Bums-Lambs game, or even Steelers-Dolphins. All of these games featured special bumbling tactics, but the Niners bring this one home because:

They lost to prevent winning two in a row; they lost to the last winless team in the NFC; they gave up 303 yards passing to a team with the WORST passing offense in the entire NFL; Niner QB Alex Smith left the game with a goiter…no, wait, a shoulder injury, and even though David Carr did the whole training camp and has 5 years NFL starting QB experience- albeit being a bust- the Niners go EIGHTEEN straight plays without throwing a pass. Now, that’s what I call SHUTDOWN offense. That’s playing like a stiff. Pansies get off the snide, leaving only the Nils as a team with a perfect record.

WANNA GET AWAY?

I bet the 0-fer9ers and the Donkeys wanna get away, and they get to- It’s the DOORMAT DIVISION on tour!!! Broncos-Niners at London’s Wembley Stadium this week! The team reeling from the worst beat-down of the year against the team that does not have a clue with a coach who actually said “I believe we’re still going to make the playoffs.” The only reason he can say that is the entire NFC West is mediocrity on parade. Or maybe he’s going to get fired and hook up as a Gatorade re-fill dude for the Falcons.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Actually, a lot of our brethren played pretty good this week. Also the weird stat of the week is: the majority of teams that won had less first downs than their opponent. That means some big plays, and some exciting defense…or just more bumbling fumblers stumbling their way around the field. You decide.

Nils 34 , Ravens 37 (OT)

Valiant effort- QB Fitzpatrick starting to click. 506 yards of offense! This one had to really hurt in Nilstown. When are they going to play this good again? Nils 0-7, but they won’t o-fer. Unless they do.

Brownies 30, Saints 17

Next to the Raydurz, the shocker of the week- except that the Saints have what seems like an all-doormat schedule and are NOT winning very many of the games.

Eric Mangini saves his bacon, or his team did. Two interception returns for TDs by antique linebacker David Bowens makes the difference. Brownies get only 12 first downs, but win the game. Woo-hoo! Let’s hear some boos from that Saints crowd.

Cheaps 42, Gaguars 20

Okay, the Gaguars really are bad, because the Cheaps aren’t THAT good. But, my beloved Cheaps (well, I want to dump them actually and take another team in this crazy fantasy league) keep inexplicably winning games, so they’re outa this league. You can’t lead a division and be a Doormat. It’s just not done. The Gags, on the other hand, are descending very very rapidly.

TampaBums 18, Lambs 17

Here’s another couple of teams cursed with too many victories, but at least the Lambs are 3-4. The Bums tried to play the whole game without scoring a TD, but fail at the last second as the Lambs snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Nice to know the Lambs still have some of that old Cellar moxie.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points- 10 Cardinals

First Downs 12 Brownies

Yards 179 Pats

Rushing 38 Saints

Passing 85 Brownies

Turnovers 6 Careless Bears

Penalties 12/92 Tampa Bums

Time of Pss 21:21 Broncos

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAND that’s the view from the BASEMENT!