DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK IV WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEAK IV WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

I took the day off from losing, and rode the street-car down to the waterfront and caught the Giants nailing down the NL West in style, shutting down the San Diego Friars 3-0. Basking in the reflected glory and general goodwill of a winning season gives just all the more contrast, and perspective, to Early Onset Lost Season. Though mediocrity is spread very evenly this year so far, we’ve got Lost Season established in four major American cities.

And Here are Your Four Un-Victorious Teams!!

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (0-4) lost to Atlanta 16-14

Losing on a last second FG after fumbling the game-saving interception is perfect Doormat ball. Their only salvation is they are in the NFL’s own Doormat Division, the NFC west, which is being led by the St. Louis Lambs, for cryin’ out loud, who won their first back-to-back games for the first time in MORE than two seasons. The Seahags are already sinking, ready to fill the void the Lambs have left, except….the NINERS are already there!! Ha! Actually, the Cardinals are listed as being in 1^st, because they are 1-0 in the division, but the Lambs are the only one with a positive PF-PA (77-52) so they get nod here in the Basement. We know what’s what.

Carolina Pansies (0-4) loss: NO 16, Pansies 14

They were actually ahead in this one, just like the Niners, and, just like the Niners, lost on a FG in the 4^th quarter (John Carney, oldest surviving football player). Saints are not world beaters right now, they may not even be egg beaters, but they are Doormat Beaters..just. Pansies somehow scored two TDs, first time this season, and got 10 first downs, also a rarity. It’s time to give up in Carolina.

Detroit Kittens (0-4) loss: 28-24 to Packers

QB Sean Hill keeps them close, and also keeps throwing killer interceptions. You can’t come from behind and win by kicking 4 FGs. At some point, you have to get across the goal-line.

Buffalo Nils (0-4) loss: 38-14 to Jets

Bills defense isn’t good anymore, like last year. Now, they are bad on both sides of the ball. It’s a landslide of a slippery slope over there by Lake Erie, and the toxic stench STARTS at Nils headquarters. This is far and away the odds-on favorite to take the Moldy Carpet. 9 punts, 12 first downs, and only 19:30 of possession- they did their part to put up a stiff, but the Jets had other plans.

Last team to make the playoffs after starting 0-4? The 1992 San Diego Chargers.

None of these clowns are going to do that. Kittens only team I predict will actually win 2 in a row at some point.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Lambs 20, SeaHags 3

Lambs WIN! TWO IN A ROW!!!!!!

Sam Bradford has them believing, and it worked for another week. This was our only All-Division game this week, and the Hags stepped up and took the loss from the reigning Champion, so we know what’s on their minds.

STIFF OF THE WEEK!!

Giants 17 Care-Bears 3

Though the Giants eventually righted themselves in the second half, the first half was as dismal a football game as two team can produce on prime-time, where the entire league can watch. Why they would want to, I don’t know. Sacks! Fumbles! Busted plays! Bear QB Jay Cutler goes down 9 times in first half, finally snagging a concussion so he could leave the game, and the Bears go on to do absolutely nothing for the whole game. 6 First downs, 110 total yards (and if their 3^rd string QB hadn’t completed some late passes, they could have kept it under 80 yards!!), 2 yards per pass attempt. Giants fumble it away three times.

Care-Bears are exposed, but 3 of their next 4 games are Doormat teams, so they could STILL look like a winner by mid-season.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Chargers 41 Cardinals 10

Cardinals come in right behind DaBears with 10 first downs, 9 sacks, and 124 total yards, while giving up 419. Now that’s LOSING.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Browns 23 Bengals 20. The Brownies call off the Bake Sale to pull the Bungles down into the cellar with them. Smell that mold! Smell it!! Actually, this looks like it was a pretty fun game. Brownies off the snide! Snide field Nine Miles Wide. Mangini does not get fired.

Gaguars 31 Colts 28 Gaguars blow it again by…wait, what’s that? They WON? Not only that, they got 4 TDs, no turnovers, only 4 punts. Don’t look now, but they are EVEN with Indy in the AFC south.

Raydurz 24 Texans 31

The Raydurz defense had no idea what play the Texans were going to run. The linebackers got run over all game. Bruce Gradkowski somehow kept the game close, and for the first time the Raiders committed less than 10 penalties (only 2). Didn’t matter.

The Silver and Blacked Out played before the smallest home crowd of the year, and boy isn’t that Blackout policy helping put butts in the seats? The Raydurz already put their butts on the ground all game long. Let’s put a cooler out at the 50 yard line, so they can at least have a beer whenever they pass by.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 3 Seahags, Bears

First downs: 6 Bears

Total yards: 110 Bears

Rushing: 19 Broncos

Passing: 51 Bears

Sacked: 9 Bears Cardinals

Turnovers: 3 O-for-9ers, Bears, Cardinals

Penalties: 13 for 102 Kittens. Tennessee had 10 for 111, too. And it probably killed them.

Time of Possession: 19:30 NILS