Crudinals Finally Getting it in Gear

CARDINALS 22,  SEAHAWKS 34

Last year, the University of Phoenix Crudinals got off to a 4-0 start, inflating the fan base to a giddy biliousness that inverted to a gaseous pffft as the Cruds lost 11 of their last 12 games.   In the offseason, not satisfied with 5-11 for a Doormat effort, the Cruds picked up Doormat QB extraordinaire Carson Palmer, a QB the Oakland Raiders gave up on (and that's really saying something).   The Cruds got off to a rocky start, though, having to face the Lambs,  the Lions, the Bootineers and the Panthers- all experienced Doormat teams.   As Mr. Palmer usually pulls a bit of a bait-and-switch at the start of every season, the Cruds built a 3-2 record.  That's no way to win the Moldy Carpet (or Mouldy Carpette as the more refined refer to it).

Mr. Palmer does what he does best

But Carson has his act going now, and there may be no stopping him, if  U. of Phee wants to get to the bottom of things.   He's thrown 11 interceptions in the last 4 games, and 13 total , only 2 behind interception wizard Eli Manning.  Palmer likes to hold onto the ball for too long, scramble and then throw rockets to whoever is man enough to catch them.

Stepping up bigtime last night, Palmer throws two interceptions in his own territory, both turning into TDs, and gets sacked 7 times (give the O-line some credit here!).    Another team with no rushing game (30 tiny yards last night), Palmer gets 45 chances to blow it, and the odds are just too good on that account.   

Losers of two straight, standing (well, slumping) at 3-4,  look ahead to Jacksonville in 3 weeks to see just how LOW THEY CAN GO.

It's a shame Matt Schaub is injured, because the Cruds-Texans game in two weeks would be a helluva Doormat QB face-off.  Two Time Bomb Game.

4-12 is still possible, and though it won't win the Moldy Carpet, it will at least serve notice to the NFL that this teams means business.

-wacko

                                       

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK NINE PREVIEW

GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals

The University of Phoenix Crudinals and the St. Lost Lambs face off in the biggest Doormat struggle for pre-eminence so far this season. Two 1-6 titans of terrible bring their F game to the emptiest place in America for a gridiron grapple of humongous importance.

I can’t stress this enough. Well, maybe I can, but whoever walks away with this loss, and it’s going to take some real ingenuity here, will control NFC Worst, and if you can lose to everybody in the NFC Worst, you can probably outlast even the Yikings. Who stumbled badly last week, winning against the ingenous Carolina Panthers.

Coming off an inexplicable victory at the hands of the craftily over-confident phone-it-in Saints, the Lambs will try to get back on track against a Crudinal team that is beginning to show signs of being nearly unstoppable in their laser like descent into the deepest recesses of the Basement.

What will it take? Whaddya Got? The Cruds are masters of the missed field goal, Lambs kings of the Sack-n-Fumble, Lambs kings of sacks, Cruds absolute gods at the bonehead penalty at the crucial moment (I’m still trying to decipher which hand signals they use for that).

Cruds are interception machine, Lambs still can’t score (they’ve got to be exhausted from last week), and Cruds are 31^st in keeping the other team on the field longer (first downs). SOMEHOW the Lambs are not last in total offense (31^st) - when you give up 48 TDs, and only score 8, how can you not be LAST??? Because the Gaguars are allowed in this league.

This one is almost impossible to call- I’m giving the Cruds the slightest edge, but the Lambs are riding the wave…..there’s no water in Arizona. But so what? Cards are penalty boobs, they throw INTs, have a lousy kicker and the Lambs have a passable (ha!) pass defense (12^th). Says here the Lambs pick up another ‘W’ seriously threatening their championship aspirations. 16 punts. 5 turnovers.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

SEATTLE SEAHAWK at DALLAS COWBOYS

Dallas can’t keep it up against this formidable opponent, not at home. Home field advantage is such a burden. EDGE: SEAHAGS

DENVER BRONCOS at OAKLAND RAIDERS

Oh my God. It’s Tim Tebowing going up against The Bionic Rust, Carson Palmer (completing the all-rust-buddy passing attack is newly acquired WR TJ Houshmandzadeh!). Tim Tebow brings his act into Hell’s Football Stadium, and the fur is going to fly. I can’t stress enough how much Raider Nation dislikes the Buncos. Dislike goes a long way in this league, usually in penalty yards right down the field, but Raiders the best team in the league at stepping right over a mountain of them. EDGE: BUNCOS

Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs

All right ALLRIGHT!! I’ll say it. The Kansas City Chiefs are not a Doormat team. I’m so disappointed. Starting off the season like they really meant it, the Cheaps were no match for the Yikings, Dolts, Raydurz and last week’s stunner, the Chargers. Now they’ve won 4 in a row and it’s all gone poof! They probably won’t get back to losing until week 11 against the Pats. They don’t have a chance against the Floppers. The Floppers are a clinic in losing. EDGE: MIAMI

Atlanta Falcons at Indianapolis Colts

Falcons are coming off a bye week (a great way to prep to play like a doormat). They can play a lousy game, and they’ll need the perfect one come Sunday against this powerhouse. It won’t be enough. EDGE: DOLTS

Cleveland Brownies at Houston Texans

Brownies have a truly truly Brownie offense, just like they’ve had for years now. They go nowhere all day long. However, they have the BEST pass defense in the league. It will be a struggle, but the Brownies will still pull down the loss. EDGE: CLEVELAND

The GAGUARS, YIKINGS and Carolina all have the week off. Lord, imagine how bad they’re going to play next week!! Holy Keee-rap the Dolts and Gaguars play each other in week 10. Gaguars will be ready for them in a big way, plus Peyton Manning may be back. Dolts in trouble.

aaaAAAAAAAAAA That's The View from the BASEMENT!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK EIGHT PREVIEW

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WORST WEEK EIGHT PREVIEW

Before we make our predictions, maybe we should consider some facts!

Remember , the team with the EDGE has the best chance to LOSE.

Cleveland Browns at San Francisco 49ers

Ah, the Brownies continue their tour of the NFC Worst with a stop in my town.

Bringing their 6 point explosion in Cleveland with them, the Brownies face the second best defense in the league, which gives up only 16.2 points a game. Cleveland is averaging 16.166666667 points a game…so…how will we be able to tell if the Niner’s defense is working?? Niners only team in the league, except for maybe Cincinnati, that can punt 9 times and win the game. They just pin you to the 7 yard line, and wait for their punt returner to run one back to the other team’s 35,and then Frank Gore runs it in.

EDGE: BROWNIES

Indianopolis Colts at Tennessee Titans

Titans are this year’s mystery team. Dolts are not.

EDGE: DOLTS

New Orleans Saints at St. Louis Lambs

Is Sam Bradford back from his injury? Does it matter? Lambs averaging 9.3 points a game, and allowing 28.5 They are AVERAGING a blowout a week. They lead the league in sacks allowed. They are on a roll. Saints put up a tidy 62 points last week. Wonder how tidy they can be this Sunday? If this isn’t blowout of the week, I’ll eat my beignets. I’m gonna eat them anyway, but hey.

EDGE: LAMBS

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

Gaguars kicked 4 field goals and beat the Ravens on Monday. They’re all field-goaled out. They may not bother to score. Houston will make the effort.

EDGE: GAGUARS

Miami Dolphins at New York Giants

Is it time for a cold and miserable game at the Meadowlands yet? Giants are not consistent, and they can play down to the competition, which they tend to do in every game, so give the desperate and fumbling Floppers a chance to BLOW IT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER AGAIN.

EDGE: FLOPPERS

Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers

O, Boy, this looks like yet another excellent opportunity for a Come From Ahead Loss for the Yikings. Cam Newton and Christian Ponder square off in the “slingin’ Rookies” face-off, and whoever throws 3 interceptions carries his team to defeat.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Arizona Crudinals at Baltimore Ravens

Wow, the Ravens sure looked bad on Monday night. Crudinals defense is not as good as Jacksonville’s and they can score a few more points. Suddenly, the Cruds have hope. But, I can’t believe. Ravens rebound.

EDGE: Crudinals

Detroit Lions at Denver Broncos

Lions still reeling after getting beat, Doormat-style, by the Niners, and now have a two game losing streak going. Donkeys have Big Lunk at QB and a dubious defense. Lions should blow them so far off the turf, that’s it’s going to be Two Mile High Stadium.

EDGE: DONKEYS

Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks

After that 3-point gem last week, I don’t know why the Seahags should even play any more games. That was perfect. But, I’m sure Pete Carroll has another crafty game plan up his….actually, Hags play much better at home, so this should be another ‘nailbiter.’

EDGE: BUNGLES

Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles

Mr. Implosion, Michael Vick, the one man wrecking crew, returns to the gridiron after a week off and will see if he can out do his formidable counterpart, Tony Romo, in the disastrous play at the crucial moment department. Fumbles, interceptions, sacks, it’s all there and available for both of these guys. It’s just a matter of timing.

EDGE: COWPIES

SeaHags Finish with Style, Panache, and a Slip-n-Slide

Chicago Bears 35, SeaHags 24

Matt Hasselbeck gets ready to throw one through Mike Williams

Finish Strong!

Putting on a Doormat performance only we can love, the Seattle SeaHags did the Doormat Division- and the NFC Worst- proud yesterday at Soldier Field.

They did it all- getting stuffed by a brick wall of a defensive line, somehow scraping out 34 yards of rushing offense, going 3-173 on 3rd down conversions, playing hi-larious pass defense, and coming up with THE MOST FUMBLE FINGERED performance of all time.

Special, special, special props to Seahags wide receiver Mike Williams, who must have dropped at least 12 (maybe it was 271) passes yesterday, more than half of Seattle's incomplete passes. I honestly have never seen somebody have a more fumble fingered game. Yes it was COLD out there, so I'll let a couple of rocks bounce off your hands....but almost every single one? Wow!

But let's not stop there- the Seattle defensive secondary got into the act, missing TWO golden opportunities to snag an INT early in the game, including a goal line gimme that probably would have gone 99 the other way, keeping the game close. Jay Cutler tried- he really did- to throw this game early. Once he saw what he was up against, he switched gears and went for the win.

To top it off, the Hags staged a classic Doormat Futile Comeback, hopelessly far behind at 28-0, the Hags score 21 points in the 4th quarter to finish seemingly close, 35-24. They never had a chance, so the pressure's off! Go nuts! Still lose!

Hags finish out the season TWO games under .500, 8-10, but into the second round of the playoffs. Watch out for these guys next year, there's no telling what kind of record they can get into the playoffs with. 6-10? They still made the TEN club. I'm just in AWE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

The World's Biggest Upset- Doormat Style

Seahags 41, Aints 36

Seattle Seahags- Super Bowl bound

What can you say? Other than I should have bet the house?

The Seahags prove all the pundits, prognosticators, Vegas and sane people WRONG.

But not us! We apologize for not posting our predictions for the weekend- we forgot we had a doormat team in the playoffs.

But here's what we said last week- the Seahags will get to the NFC Championship game. We also said, 3 weeks ago, that whoever would eventually win the NFC Worst would make it to the NFC Championship game....and now we're ONE GAME AWAY.

Apologies to our Vegas followers, as we should have GUARANTEED Seattle beating the point spread. If you've been following us all year, you know this: The Saints played down to every single doormat team they met, including losing to the Brownies (got clobbered) and the Crudinals. The Crudinals are really terrible- they just play in the NFC Worst, so they ended up with 5 wins (but not a win over the Hags). A 14-point spread was ridiculous, especially when you recognize that the Hags play nearly competent football at home.

Turning in the game of his life, Matt Hasselbeck shreds the Saints all day long. Marshawn Lynch, who we pointed out in week XV has found new life in Seattle after losing the Nils ju-ju, actually delivers a running game. If the Hags get any kind of running game going, they win.

Hags win. Hags win! They STILL have a losing record! Woo-Hoo!! You have to call this the biggest playoff upset ever, because nobody with a losing record has ever won a playoff game. Toss in the Super Bowl champs, and you've got the perfect setup. Wow, we're drinking the whole keg of Hamm's and barbecuing....a meat-like substance on the grill.

The Doormat Division Marches On!!!!!!

Doormat Division Week XVII NFC WORST Special Edition

Doormat Division Weak XVII Special NFC WORST Edition

We gathered in the Basement tonight, we tapped the keg of Hamm’s, fished the 15lb bag of chips out of the possum nest and settled down before the Zenith to watch the Seattle Seahags and the St. Louis Lambs attempt to bring home the playoff bacon to the NFC Worst. In the balance was the first time-ever opportunity for a team to make the playoffs with a LOSING RECORD.

And, in a style that can only be appreciated from the Doormat side of the NFL, they DELIVERED. The Seattle SeaHags have done it. 7-9 and headed to a terrible beat-down at the hands of an actual winning team next week, the Hags stumble into the playoffs. But who cares about that? Let’s savor this game. This moment may never come this way again, sports fans.

SeaHags 16, Lambs 6

Now that the laughter has died down, let’s take a closer look at this contest.

First of all, this game is the STIFF OF THE WEEK. Amazing, huh? Playoffs dangling there, but these teams can still cough up a stinker.

NFL bust back-up starting? Yes! League worst rushing attack here? Aye! The Hags brought a lot of bad to the field in this game, but they were up against a team that knows how. In a game like this, you only need one touchdown. So, after kicking off, the Lambs open up the passing lanes and Hags QB Charlie Whitehurst earns his $10 million dollars in the first 4 minutes of the game, finding receivers so open, that they couldn’t help but catch the ball….as long as they’re not playing for the Lambs. 7-0, Hags.

But wait! There’s 3 ½ more quarters to play. The game is not over (though, actually, it was). Needing to score a touchdown, possibly the most intimidating task in all of football, the Lambs respond by starting a punt fest, and the Hags and Lambs squeeze in 6 punts by the end of the quarter. That’s 7 changes of possession in 11:30. It’s like tennis.

2^nd quarter

Lambs finally get their offense in gear, move down the field, but are frightened by the looming goal line, and settle for a field goal. 7-3, Hags. 4 more punts and both teams retire to the locker rooms, where the Lambs make a crucial halftime adjustment. They brought out the deadly Dink and Drop offense. Watch it work its magic.

3^rd quarter

The Hags know that Doormat axiom, though: a fumble is better than a punt. Boom! Hags hand over the ball on their own 28 on the next play from scrimmage. Ha! Try and not score.

Lambs dink and drop a little, inch closer, but freak out again, kick another field goal, and beat a hasty retreat to the sideline heaters. 7-6 Hags. Still safely behind. Hags respond by running the ball, a surefire way to set up a nice punt, but the Lambs are ready, and guide Seattle down the field- Hags chip in another 3 points in this game of Football Lowball. 10-6 Hags.

Lambs respond by dropping two perfectly thrown balls, one a bomb, by Sam Bradford.

Punt!

4^th Quarter

At this point, the bumbling goes into high high gear.

1. Seahag coach Carroll calls a timeout by not calling a time out, and gets charged for a timeout before a punt. Nice. Since you are playing a team trying to out-doormat you, you will probably get away with it. Lambs respond promptly with the dink, drop and punt, and Hags somehow get downfield again, kicking another FG.

Hags 13-6. This is a HUGE lead.

2. The Lambs start dropping everything Sam Bradford throws, especially the ones that hit them right in the numbers. ow!

3. Lambs, needing to get off a play before a challenge is made by the Hags (on a dropped pass, of course), get a delay of game! Hags fail to throw red flag anyway.

4. Bradford, desperate to find somebody who can catch a pass, gives up and throws to the Hags. INT at 8:42 of the game. SeaHags take the ball and start the longest drive of the game, an assortment of 4-yard gains that St. Louis had no answer for (the answer is ‘defense’).

5. the Refs get into the doormat act, totally blowing a placement on 3 and 1, giving Seattle a 1^st down. Nobody for the Lambs objects. We know what they want.

6. Lambs hold, Seattle lines up 45-yard FG, and….Lambs jump offside! First down, Seattle.

7. Lambs let way too much time go off clock, Hags work it down to 1:41, kick the final points of the regular season through the goal posts, and achieve DOORMAT IMMORTALITY.

16-6, SeaHags.

16 punts total.

Lambs: 184 total yards, 10 first downs, 2-14 on third down. 0-2 in the red zone (Hags 1-4). And to think, these guys almost won the division.

This game was played cellar style, Doormat All-Star style. But, to be honest, not surprisingly the team that is still standing in the NFC Worst, as bad as they may be, is coached by Pete Carroll, the guy I loved to hate at USC. The playoffs are here, and this guy’s team, bumbling and all, is still playing. We here in the Doormat Basement have predicted, in a fit of hilarity, that the NFC West champ will advance to the NFC Championship. But…Charlie Whitehurst is not Kurt Warner. Still, I’m not writing them off. They are the pride of the Doormat division tonight.

You CAN win for losing tonight!

NFL Doormat Division Week XVI Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Week XVI Wrap-Up and Drop Kick into….

World Turned Upside Down!

Sorry I’m late with this, I fell asleep during the Laughing Clown Malt Liquor Bowl and boy did I wake up with a jolt. Or maybe that was the bare wires and the squishy carpet. The Zenith was showing nothing but snow when I woke up, so knew I was in another dimension.

Donkey-Buncos WIN. Crudinals WIN (Cowpies lose!). Bungles WIN (two in a row!!!). Nils….okay okay. But Detroit. The LIONS. Excuse me, I gotta clear my throat for this:

DETROIT LIONS WIN….THREE….IN…A…ROW!!!

Lions 34, Floppers 27

Break out the peppermint schnapps and fire up the ’74 deVille!!! Put on a stack of Motown records a MILE HIGH!! The Motor City is back in business. Not only have the Lions done the Doormat pull-up out of the Basement (3 in a row), they win their second in a row on the ROAD, which has not happened since the Harding administration. I bet you don’t even know who that IS. Or WHEN. The Lions score 17 points in the final 4:36, against all odds, and WIN the game. The Fins, in a flurry of turnovers, just out-doormatted them, hands down, and get themselves under .500 with just a game to go. Unfortunately, Miami has begun their slide too late and cannot get the magic 10 losses.

Does this mean the Lions, the most consistently hapless NFL franchise for decades, are going to be a team to be reckoned with next year OUTSIDE the Doormat Div.? Well, ask the Brownies. They won 4 in a row to close out last year, and yesterday they nailed down their 10^th loss. So, in a word…NO. It means absolutely NOTHING.

But who cares? Break out the motor oil, cut cookies in the vacant lot next door, start a bonfire in the street with a pile of abandoned Ford Fiestas and Chevy Cavaliers! The sun is shining, figuratively, in Detroit. Congratulations, you long suffering Kat Box faithful, your team has positioned itself for next week’s total beat-down of the Minnesota Yikings, the #1 wuss-meisters in the NFL.

Yikings -0, Eagles -0

Good grief. This has to be the Yikings making the call on this one after last week’s freeze-bomb at Gopher Hole stadium. Pennsylvania’s governor was not happy. We agree- get out there in the snow and play you bunch of pansies! Somebody ask Carl Eller what he thinks. Who cares if the wind is blowing 40mph and the visibility is zero from the 3^rd row. Do you think anybody actually wants to see this game with no obstructions? Just take your 10^th loss like men, and relax in the barcalounger in the Basement.

NFC WORST UPDATE

By God, and anybody else you want to invoke, it’s gonna happen. We are going to have a division champion with a losing record. You just watch.

0-4-9ers 17, Lambs 25

Ready…aim…FIRE!!! Voltaire and Marx Bros. team up on the script for this one, and Mike Singletary gets the juiciest lines and finds himself, yet again, in a sideline argument with a QB that has to be broken up by a wide receiver and 3-4 other bored teammates. I just…it’s all…this team may have 5 victories but WOW is this top-down ineptitude. Jed York FINALLY fires coach Single-minded with one game to go. Why? Who cares? What is wrong with you? Do you know that the 0-4ers don’t even have a General Manager? Will they even have an NFL team next year? Stanford could beat these guys.

Seahags 15, Buccaneers 38

Pulling the kind of tank job only a team with a vision can create, the Hags play terrible D, and the O-line does the jello wiggle and falls down. Tampa Bay, with a shred of hope for a playoff spot, recognizes the Seattle plan for next week’s showdown with St. Louis, and takes the game in a blaze of competence.

Next week’s ridiculous game between the HAGS and the LAMBS, in Seattle, has been moved to prime time so everyone, everybody, all the little children, can watch history in the making as the Hags will pull out the win at home, end up tied with the Lambs, and take the Division Crown at 7-9. Be there next Sunday- 5pm. The Doormat Division should get an analyst on the haltime show, if they had any sense over there in TV-land.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet

NFC

The Carolina Pansies clinch the NFC with Thursday’s loss, and everybody else’s bonehead wins yesterday. Not only that, but Pansies can keep under 200 points scored AND achieve a +200 point differential next week in Atlanta, which seems very doable.

Congratulations, Carolina, and may I say, the Pansy wallpaper is looking goooooood here in the basement. Their only real threat were the Arizona Crudinals, but…

Cowpies 26, Crudinals 27

The Cruds couldn’t help it. Derek Anderson got a concussion and they threw John Skelton out there and OMG he’s competent. You are not getting the Moldy Crown if you have a QB who doesn’t make at least 7-8 real bonehead mistakes a game. Derek Anderson was going to set the record for lowest passer rating for a full season in NFL history. Now it’s all wasted effort, and the Cruds win a game that normally they would lose. But oh, gosh it feels good to award the coveted 10^th loss to the Cowpies. They couldn’t be more deserving, don’t you think? Welcome to the club, America’s (most over-inflated) Team.

AFC

It’s going to the WIRE, over here in the AFC, where everybody has started getting on the wrong side of the W’s, and the worst we’ve got is 4-11- But it’s the Nils, Bungles and Donkey-Buncs neck and neck with the Brownies and Tex-ass-tons still in there with maybe a shot.

No head to head next week, too damn bad. The final week is very hard to call, because a whole raft of teams just became meaningless, and will be on vacation next week, trying to just not get injured before they hit the golf course in Florida.

Bungles

Just two weeks ago the Bungles looked like a LOCK. Not anymore. Bungles have inside track because they get the Ravens in Baltimore, where Frank Zappa’s bust is going to be used as the tee for kick-offs and the Ravens, though they have clinched the playoffs, can still win the division, so….the Bungles chances for a win are: NEVERMORE, you knuckleheads.

Nils

Nils stay in the hunt by staging a turnover clinic in Buffalo, coughing up the ball SEVEN times. I think that’s the season high. Man, are these Yaks dedicated. Now Nils travel to the Jets, where the pride of Queens have backed into the playoffs playing pretty close to cellar-ball as you can do and still make the postseason (looking ominously like last year’s Bungles). Will the Jets mail it in? Last year, in their final game for a playoff tune-up, the Bungles got ZERO yards passing (and that was with the first string in there for 3 quarters). Can the Jets come up with a flop like that? This isn’t Bunglonia, folks. Nils get the ‘L.’

Donkey-Buncos

I really thought these guys had it wired until yesterday, until they put in Mr. Confident, Tim Tebow, and he goes all winner on us and pulls off an inspiring comeback. Of course, it just may have been the Texans elbowing their way into Doormat contention.

Donky-buncs host the Chargers, who just got eliminated from the playoffs after yesterday’s quagmire in Bunglonia, and I’m calling that the Chargers fold their tent and start making tee-off times mid-game. Denver wins final game and BLOWS the Doormat Moldy Carpet AFC crown.

Should Nils and Bungles end in tie, we’ll have to do some sifting, because they did not go head-to-head. Tiebreakers are points for-against and Division record. Stay tuned.

I have no idea what the Brownies or Texans chances are, so we’ll just wait until the 3 front-runners do their thing to even worry about those guys. A 5 win team is a lot in the basement-kinda odd to have a 5-win team win AFC Doormat at the same time a 7-9 team wins a division. It’s a World Turned Upside Down folks, or maybe all in the middle, but we’ve got our feet firmly on the ceiling here in the basement.

Weak XVI Futility Meter- ruled by the Kings-to-be.

Points: 3 Nils, Pansies

First downs: 7 Pansies

Yards: 119 Pansies

Passing: 45 Pansies

Rushing 67 Lions

Turnovers 7 Buffalo

Punts 8 Pansies

Passer rating 33 Clausen, Pansies (how did he beat Nils’s Fitzpatrick??

Okay that’s enough! It’s BBQ tonight on the Grill of a ’74 Dodge Dart!

aaaaAAAAAAAND That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!!

Doormat Division Week XVI Preview!

Doormat Division Week XVI Preview

Pretty quiet here in the Basement this morning. Just me and the possum that’s in here somewhere after somebody left the sliding door to the patio open all night long. The little space heater has it all the way up to 44º, so I can’t complain. And neither can my hairless friend. That doesn’t actually distinguish a possum from a person, do it? His diet doesn’t, either. Speaking of playing possum…

Pansies 3, Steelers 27

Getting a leg up on the rest of the Division on a Thursday, and the only doormat that gets to properly relax on Christmas Day (these guys are so on top of it), the Carolina Pansies put up the kind of numbers that should hold up on the Futility Meter by next Monday.

The real score in this game is 270-3, but the zero was taken off as a math-ratio-rounding deal. No touchdown. 7 first downs. 119 yards total offense. 8 punts. 2 turnovers. 33 passer rating. 3-13 on 3^rd down (Steelers 4-12). Somehow the Pansies managed 24:36 time of possession, which indicates just how slovenly they were about getting up to the line. Does Carolina even have wide receivers? What is Steve Smith doing out there? Holding a bridge club with the 3 guys covering him? Somebody’s got to be open. Somebody better be open later tonight when I do my shopping, that’s for sure. I DID get the tree, though. Purple aluminum with 32 (nfl-themed) pine-scented air fresheners. I think it lends a…

Wait a minute, I think the possum’s getting into the 15 lb bag of corn chips, I’m not sure he knows where the guacamole is, better check it out…

The Doormat Christmas Lineup:

Cowpies at Crudinals: Not as big a comedy of errors as wherever Denver is playing, but wow this has to be a mess of a game. Cowpies playing better, but can still get 10 losses. Not against these guys they won’t. Two division winners from last year, sharing guacamole with a possum.

0-4-9ers at Lambs: Huge battle for the NFC Worst crown! Playoffs hang in the balance! All eyes on St. Louis and everybody’s got bait-breath!! Stay out of the worm bucket, OK? This is as close to having a NFL game scripted by Moliere or Voltaire or the Marx Brothers as we’re going to come. The tragi-comic potential is completely off the meter, here. Lambs should win this, but with those script writers, who knows.

Pats at Nils: It’s gonna be closer than people think. It could be 35-10. Or 28-7. Or somebody just call Mr. Plow and throw the whole thing into the…but wait! Could Ryan Fitzpatrick play the game of his life? Is it living when you play for the Nils? These guys had a chance at tying for the Doormat lead last week, and blew it. Pats roll.

Ravens at Brownies: Brownie-bake-sale again in Cleveland. Cold, frozen brownies. The guys with no logo (a brown square is my suggestion, with a few crumbs nearby) go for loss #10, and they will get it. Brownies start with bake sale, end up hamburger.

Kittens at Miami: Time to start a new streak- and that’s either going for 28 losses in a row on the road (taking them into the next century) or going for, I can’t believe I’m writing this…THREE WINS IN A ROW. As you know, 3-in-a-row is the big red flag of Doormat life coming to an end. The Raydurz did it this year, the Cheaps did it. But, the Kittens already have their 10 losses, so their Doormat cred is safe for another year. But this one is going to be tough to lose. Miami brings boredom and pathos to a game like nobody else in a warm climate can. Kittens win?

Texans at Donkey-Bunco-binky-bonks: The bumblingest team in the NFL hosts the Houston Texans. Everybody else at the doormat bottom won last week except for these guys. They are focused, fierce, flailing, flopping, fumbling. They’re going for the Moldy Carpet, people. They just may get it.

Chargers at Bungles: except the Bungles have to play the Chargers, and Denver has to lose twice to match this. Chargers playing extremely well. Let’s see if they can do that in Bunglonia, where everybody plays extremely poorly.

SeaHags at Tampa Bay: I don’t’ think the SeaHags can win a game on the road, right? Even with the division title there for the taking? SeaHags stay on course for NFC Worst All-Losing-Record accomplishment, boot this game, and win next week against Lambs to take the division.

The possum’s going outside… I hope he put away the guac.

49ers Stage Clinic, Fail to Show Up for Game

0-4ers 7, Chargers 34

The NFC Worst is in good hands. Faced with the prospect of having an outside chance of finishing the season 8-8, and playing the only team that gave them last best chance for an L, the San Francisco 49ers threw everything they had into this game to secure the loss.

We have to get better at our predictions. 36-10 was just WAY off. How could we be so inaccurate?

1. Two minutes into the second quarter, the 49ers kick a field goal for 3 points. Hold on! Penalty Chargers. 0-4ers take penalty, score a touchdown, Bolts challenge and win, 0-4ers lose touchdown, get down to 4^th and goal, skip kicking a field goal because this is the team that CAN’T score from the 1. 0-4er end up with NO points.

2. Lone 0-4er pass rusher Justin Smith shoves official and is first player to post-game spread. Hit the showers Justin! Have a nice, long, hot tub. Doormat All-Star selection just for this one, glaring, moment. SF defense completely tanks after this.

3. Doormat All-Star offensive tackle Anthony Davis falls down, slips, misses, flails, and provides excellent lanes to the QB all night long. The rest of the 0-line follows suit. 6 sacks, and a bum’s rush on every play for Alex Smith.

4. Linebacker Ahmad Brooks drops two interceptions, one deep in Charger territory. He was the ONLY linebacker not wearing a cast, and it showed. Somebody tape him up!!

5. Coach Mike Single-minded, the man who has NEVER called his radio co-host on the Mike Singletary Show by name, did not consider changing quarterbacks because “It’s a different thing to go from Troy to Alex- it’s, I think, a HORRIFIC thing to go from Alex to Troy.” You know, Mike’s a player’s coach. Too bad the players are in Chicago in 1985.

6. 49er Ted Ginn runs back 2^nd half kick-off for touchdown! Just kidding. You can’t cover 85 yards with this team and not get at least ONE penalty. Take another 7 points off the scoreboard.

This is how you lose to teams with winning records, and it’s also how you lose to the Carolina Pansies. And they DID.

Doomat Specialist Matt Millen, along with Joe Theisman, was in the broadcast booth last night, and weighed in late in the game with his assessment- now is not the time to panic in SF. What the 0-4ers need is some consistency. Stay the course……HE SHOULD KNOW! This is the man the drove the Detroit Lions into the ditch so hard, they’re STILL trying to pull themselves out of the muck. Listen to the man, San Francisco. With any luck, next year you can contend for the Moldy Carpet.

Carpe Diem!!!

NFL Doormat Predictions Week 15

Crudinals and Pansies will be the game to watch (out for) this week.

NFL Week 15 starts tonight with a classic Doormat match up between the San Francisco 0-4-9ers and the San Diego Dolts. It's a battle for bragging rights in California. Though both teams are out of contention for the Moldy Carpet, this game still has tremendous Doormat significance as the Niners need a loss to stay well under .500 as the NFC West makes its bid for Doormat Immortality by finishing under .500. Imagine, division champ under .500 going to the playoffs!

As for the looming Doormat championship, the only teams really in contention now are the Pansies and Kittens (and possibly Crudinals) in the NFC and the Bungles, Nils, and Buncos (Donks) in the AFC. The Bungles have a chance to take a comanding lead into the final two weeks with a big loss against the refurbished Brownies. And don't forget to watch the worst game of the year as the Carolina Pansies take on the flaccid Arizona Crudinals. This should be anybody's game as just about anybody can beat these two teams. I heard the Washington State Cougars invited them to play in Pullman next year.

The Oracle From the Basement rummaged around and found an unopened quart of Bohemian beer,  circa 1972. I also found a Joe Namath bobble head, a little chipped and sticky, but it still works. Using these two charms (and after swilling down the Bohemian), we spin the bottle and the bobble head and here are the NFL Week 15 Doormat predictions:

0-4-9ers- 10
Dolts- 36

Brownies- 33
Bungles-28

Deadskins- 12
Cowpies- 17

Cheeps- 44
Lambs- 3
(blowout of the week)

Nils- 14
Floppers- 21

Kittens- 10
Bootineers- 28

Crudinals- 10
Pansies- 3
(Stiff of the Week)

Falcons- 42
Seahags- 0

Buncos (Donks) 18
Raydurz- 21
(Game of the Week!)

Bears- 7
Yikings-10
(Gonna be cold at University of Minnesota!)

Doormat Division Weak XIV Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIV Wrap-up and Disposal

Only 14 more shopping days until the end of the season. What do you give a Doormat that has everything?

Well, duh!

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

NFC

Pansies 10, Falcons 31

The Pansies fumble on their first play from scrimmage! Touchdown, Falcons. The Pansies stage a Puntfest for the rest of the first half! 17-0. It was cold, wet, and half-empty for the Masochist’s Club meeting at Bank of America Interest Hike Stadium yesterday, and when you have that much teal exposed on a lousy day, it’s depressing.

The Pansies are in the driver’s seat, but the Kittens, even though they won yesterday (they did their best, but came up short), can still win it…but Carolina would have to win 2 games. Ha.

The usual: 1 touchdown, 5 sacks, at least 2 turnovers, under 100 yards passing, and infighting right down to the water boy. These guys are not just not on the same page, they can’t agree on the book.

With only 164 points on the season, you may ask, is that a record or something? NO!

The Atlanta Falcons clocked in one fine season with an 8-point average per game. Pansies not even close with a 12.6 point average. They have to get shut out for the last three games to get to 10.25, even.

AFC

Bungles 7, Steelers 23

AFC leader Cincinnati (2-12) continues phenomenal push to crown with 10^th straight loss. Carson Palmer keeps taking care of business, with three INTs, and the Bungles do get to count this as a Come-from-Ahead game, since they led 7-0.

Nils 13, Brownies 6

Nils host the biggest bumblefest of the year by the Brownies, who just like we thought cannot shake off the Doormat Aura just YET. On one possession alone, they fumbled THREE times!! Somehow they recovered every time. What else did the Brownies do?

Did not cross 50 yard line entire second half. Fumbled back the ball after recovering a fumble (true Doormat play). 2-10 on third down, when they got that far. 9 First downs.

The Nils, once 0-8, are now 3-10 and have to lose out the season and the Bungles have to win at least ONE game to have a shot at the Moldy Carpet. They Bungles get CLEVELAND next week in Bunglonia, so watch out!!

Buncos 13, Crudinals 43 (Blowout of the Week)

Let’s not forget the Denver Donkey-Buncos (3-10), who just put the pedal to metal yesterday, and still have a shot at the championship. Faced with playing the worst of the NFC Worst, the Buncos were not intimidated, starting prep early in the week by firing their coach (who also CALLED THE PLAYS), turning over the ball SIX times, going 3-15 on 3^rd down, with Kyle Orton taking this week’s honors for worst passer (27.1). These guys, the dark horse all season, just might be taking it to the house.

The Crudinals won the game by claiming Derek Anderson has a concussion and breaking out secret weapon Jay Feely, who scored 22 points (including a touchdown run), and suddenly find themselves nearly out of Moldy Carpet contention. But…..

NFC WORST UPDATE

The Dream is still alive! Everybody’s safely back under .500!! Never before have we gone this late in the season with an ALL-losing record Division. It can be done!!

0-4-9ers 40, Seahags 21

Definitely the ‘didn’t see that coming’ Game of the Weak. But we shoulda known- the SeaHags are terrible on the road. Matt Hasselbeck takes care of blowing the game on his own, throwing 4 INTs, and the 0-4ers score every time. The 0-4ers got only 10 first downs, but who needs them when you are ripping off 30-50 yards every other play the whole first half? 0-4ers still have a chance to actually WIN this division- NFC Worst, I mean, which is hilarious. It’s hard to win the Moldy Carpet when everybody in your division has similar goals.

Lambs 13, Saints 31

Look, Mom, it’s an anagram score! Lambs 6-7 and STILL in FIRST. Love it.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Lotta competition for this- Is it Bills-Browns? Lions-Packers? Or….Dolphins-Jets?

Lions-Packers: 1 TD, 1 fg. 28 first downs. 16 punts. 5 turnovers. Lions zero yards passing first half. Lions break 20 game losing streak to NFC north division opponents. They sure have a lot of streaks going on, don’t they? Also, I gotta say, WHY would you let the Yikings, who just beat you in the most embarrassing way, at home, come and play in your stadium? Well, it must be $, but you know what? I don't know, but the Vikings call me with their deflated dome whine, and I tell them I just can't cancel the flea market.

Dophins- Jets: 1 TD, 3 FG, Dolphins only 6 first downs..20 total. 5 turnovers, 18 punts. 30 yards passing total for Fins.

I’m giving it to the Dolphins-Jets. Jets are supposed to be good and they play a total stiff a week after getting their cans kicked. AT HOME. What are the good people of Queens supposed to think? “Same old Jets” , I imagine.

Special Mention: The Kansas City Cheaps turn in possibly the worst performance of the year by any team, especially one with playoff aspirations. See below.

THIS WEEK’S FUTILITY METER:

Points: 0 Cheaps

First downs 5 Cheaps

Total yds: 67 Cheaps (season low, easily)

Rushing 47 Bears (Cheaps 48)

Pass 19 Cheaps (1 yard per pass only, please)

Turnovers 98 Buncos

3^rd down 0-11 Cheaps

Punts: 10 Yikings (not enough turnovers, gotta work on that)

Penalties 10-71 Yikings

Time of poss: 19:50 Cheaps!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s the view from the Basement!!

NFL Week 14: Doormat Division Weak XIV Preview

Puntfest 2010

Here it is, getting late in the season, and suddenly the SeaHags @ 0-4-9ers game is looking HUGE. I refuse to say ginormous. I also won’t say prestidigitator, either, but that’s another story. This could be one of the Marquee Doormat games of the year. The NFC Worst don’t have much marbles to play with, but the ones they got are all on the table, mis-shaped and ugly as they may be. If Seattle wins, the NFC Worst has a team with a winning record, and the dream begins to fade. If the 0-4ers win, which I seriously doubt, they can keep their feeble feeble feeble playoff hopes alive, because they could still mathematically make 8-8, and 8-8 is going to do it in this division. And, I mean the NFC Worst, because 8-8 for SURE doesn't do it in the Doormat.

Marshawn Lynch has resurrected his career in the Seattle backfield after getting the Nils jinx rubbed all over him so bad it followed him home and escorted him to the local police precint station multiple times. It got so bad, the cops would just show up at his place first thing in the morning, set up a coffee stand, and just wait for him to attempt to move or park a car. In Seattle, you don’t need a car- you need a boat.

The Oafers (0-4ers) may not have nose tackle Aubrayo Franklin, which is critical even if nose tackling was made into a personal foul last year. Seattle may just drive a Boeing 747 through a couple of those holes.

Even more intriguing is fumbling 0-4er coach Mike Single-minded’s decision to put whipping boy Alex Smith back in at quarterback after it was discovered that Troy Smith didn’t actually know any of the plays and once opposing defenses kept him the pocket, nothing happened. And if you are going to have NOTHING HAPPEN, you might as well run Alex out, who is the better Smith at these things.

The Hags pummeled the 0-4ers, 31-6, in the first game of the season, and the bog that is Candlestick Park in December will suit them just fine. Will Singletary again thank coach Carroll for kicking his butt, again, or go all-in and do a Gatorade dump? It’s as close as he’s going to get for one of those, so pay close attention to final seconds, they will put the finishing, final, coffin-nail touch on San Francisco’s descent into…say, when’s spring training start?

Brownies at Nils

Well, here I was, ready to do proper props to the Brownie Way, when they go and win two in a row. You only have to either be just one game under .500 or win 3 in a row to have your Doormat status taken away, and these guys are in danger of doing BOTH.

And this game is the ultimate test. This is bragging rights for Mistake by the Lake (any Great Lake qualifies you)! The next two weeks, at Buffalo and then the dreaded trek across Bunglonia, will put the resurrection of the Brownie Bake Sale franchise to the true test. They’ve beaten the Pats, Saints, Jags, and Dolphins. So what? Can you beat the teams you’ve been living in the Cellar with for the last 10 years?? Come back…stay with us…

I didn’t select that ORANGE couch completely at random, you know. Brownies should just dismantle the Nils, but here in the basement, all bets are off when it’s Doormat time.

Green Bay at Detroit

Things are glum at the Kat Box. After the Kitties logged their 7th Come From Ahead loss, it took all week for the grounds crew to bring in enough kitty litter to cover last week’s steaming heap, and they should have just waited until this one was over. The Packers already have 200 yards in passing offense and kick-off isn’t until 1pm Central.

Atlanta at Pansies and Lambs at Saints

Blow-out of the week. U-pick.

Buncos at Arizona

Wow. STIFF of the Weak. Maybe the year. Puntfest. Things are so bad in Arizona, they put somebody else in at quarterback. Think how little confidence they must have in those bench-warmers when it took until the 13^th week of the season for the Cruds to try something else. Buncos just fired their coach, which is always a big red flag in losing culture. Buncos should have a field day…on the field.

aaaAAAAAND THAT’S THE PREVIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-up and Disposal

With just 4 games left in the run to the Moldy Carpet, the Basement’s expertise in predicting futile effort and expected results is uncanny. It just might PAY to look at things from the bottom up.

Well, of course it does. That’s why we’re here.

NFC WORST UPDATE

As expected, the Lambs and the Seahags pulled even at 6-6, and next week it’s up to the 0-4-9ers to stop the Seattle juggernaut, and the Saints to burst the Lamb’s balloon, like an undercooked Haggis left out in the sun (which I know is nearly impossible in Scotland, but humor me). With the way the 0-4ers are playing, that won’t be easy, and the Saints have a real knack for playing down to the opposition.

Take yesterday, for example, with their white-knuckle ride through Bunglonia yesterday, the most frightening quagmire since the Dead Marshes in Lord of the Rings.

BUNGLES 30, SAINTS 34

There was a lot of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory yesterday, and let’s start right here. For a team with 10 defeats (welcome to the ‘10’ Club, guys), the Bungles come tantalizing close to nearly winning. They have 5, count’ em, FIVE Futile Comebacks this year. 4 times they have come back from a deficit of 10 or more to score (and be within one score of tie or lead) with not enough time left to get the ball again and win the stupid game. Add to this their 4 Come From Ahead losses and you’ve got a LOT on anguish in the stands.

Trailing 20-6 in the third quarter, the Bungles wake up and stage a furious rally, taking the lead with 4 minutes to go, giving the fans something to expect disaster from and SURE ENOUGH, Drew Brees whips the Saints down the field (or maybe that’s flogs) and throws the game winner with :30 left on the clock. So, a wild wild game but the Bungles come away with the much needed L, and that’s crucial, because…

The RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET GOES THROUGH CAROLINA

PANSIES 14 SEAHAGS 31

Keeping pace with these guys is a CHORE. Good luck, I say. We’ve already got the Pansies wallpaper up, which shows incredible confidence here in the Basement, but I just don’t see these cats faltering.

With four games to go the Pansies have a mere 1 game lead over Detroit, Buffalo and Cincinnati. Surely the Nils or any of these teams have a chance, right? Not so fast. The remaining Pansy puntfests are the Falcons, Crudinals, Steelers, and Falcons again. They’ve got 11 losses and they haven’t even played the leader in their division yet!! The Arizona game is a serious threat to their running the table, as the Cruds are playing as badly badly badly as a team can play. This game is gonna be HUGE. Dec. 19^th- be there.

So let’s say the Pansies WIN a game (oh, come on). 2-14.

Bungles games left: Steelers, Brownies, Chargers, Ravens. Bungles already beat Pansies, so they LOSE tiebreaker. But they DID lose to the Nils. They can’t beat Ravens twice in one year. But Brownies game…red flag. Bungles can’t win another game or they’re toast. They need to run table and have Pansies win 2. Ha.

Kittens games left: Packers, Bucs, Dolphins, Yikings

Kittens lost to Nils. Should do Perfect Fade against Pack and Bucs, Miami is on the road (27 straight losses!) but in danger of winning against Yikings at home. Also cannot afford to win a game, must run table and hope tiebreaker brings the title home.

Nils games left: Brownies, Dolphins, Patriots, Jets. Nils have shown they can have high offense games, and atrocious abominations that make you pull your ear muffs down, close your eyes, and scream. Did you know that Edvard Munch grew up in Buffalo?

I think the Nils are going to get one more W, which is a shocker to say when the early predictions were expecting a potential perfect (0-16) season from these pros.

Which brings us to: Which of these teams is best at Futile Comebacks or Coming from Ahead?

The Detroit Kittens clock in with an a-MAZ-ing 7 Come from Ahead ‘L’s, including yesterday’s debacle against Chicago in the CatBox. It’s going to take a LOT of kitty litter to cover that one. These guys are the Kings of Fade. When the trainers talk about conditioning in Detroit, they’re changing the shampoo in the showers.

Here’s the spread:

Futile Comebacks Come From Ahead

Kittens 2 7

Bungles 4 4

Pansies 4 1

Nils 6 2

Clearly, the Pansies are the boringest, and probably truly the worst team in the league. They can’t even get ahead to blow a lead. Their only Come From Ahead game was just their re-enactment of what they’d do in the Super Bowl. You know how when the underdog in the Super Bowl scores first, but they only get a field goal, and it’s the kiss of death? They never score again until the game is 55-3 in the 4^th quarter? They got their chance in their game against the World Champeen Saints, and that’s as close as they are gonna get so they took it while they could. And their only win, 0-4-9ers, was an attempted Futile Comeback, but they were up against Mike Single-minded in that one and it didn’t work out.

Past that, the other three are neck and neck, though I think the art of Come from Ahead is more likely to consistently produce an ‘L.’

THEREFORE- I think it’s between the Kittens and the Pansies for the Moldy Carpet.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Stiff of the Weak

BUNCOS 6, CHEAPS 10

1 touchdown. 14 punts. 2 lost fumbles. 9-28 on 3^rd down. 3 points in the 2^nd half. Sknxxxnxnxnxnxnxn!

Brownies 13 Dolphins 10

Brownies win 2 in a row. Is it another late season run like I said wouldn’t happen?? Are they “The Pressure’s Off” team of the season?

LAMBS 19, CRUDINALS 6

The Crudinals are playing the worst ball in the league right now and that’s no mean feat in this league this year. 1-11 3^rd down conversion. Derek Anderson outdoes himself with a 29.8 passer rating. The desert just got a lot more desolate.

Kittens 20, Bears 24

As professional a Come From Ahead game as you can draw up. And at HOME.

YIKINGS 38, NILS 14

How was I to know that interception machine Brett Favre would twist his wrist and super mega-star bench guy Tavaris Jackson would come in and bring the lost Yikes safely to port? Just to keep pace, though, he tossed in 3 INTS. Brett got one on his only pass attempt, as well. What a guy. NILS counter with FOUR fumbles.

0-4-9ers 16, Packers 34

My prediction was 34-14. ‘nuff said.

Jaguars 17, Titanics 6

Titanics are all…the…way….back!

Week XII Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude

Points: 6 Cruds, Buncos, Titanics (crowded in here)

First downs: 11 0-4-9ers, Titanics

Yards: 220 Titanics

Rush: 40 Colts (no no no running game)

Pass: 86 Buncos

Turnover: 5 NILS

Punts 9 Brownies

3^rd down conv 1-11 Cruds

penalties 13-105 Raydurz (still the kings here)

poss: 22:02 Titanics