The Doormat Division:
WEAK FIVE WRAP-UP AND DROP KICK INTO SPACE
Blowout of the Week
49ers 48, Buccaneers 3
Perennial doormat and all-around screwed up franchise, the San Francisco 49ers, have done something right: they hired a real coach. They also brought back the bright red jerseys (that’s brighter than the old days even). The difference is going to win the NFC Worst in a walk. Winning by their largest margin in 24 years, the Niners officially leave the Basement. Last year their game against the Bootineers was a mugging, with LaGarette Blount trampling whatever 49er was slow enough to get in his way.
Not this time. 9 of Tampa’s 11 drives resulted in a punt or turnover. The Bucs put the lack in lackluster. You could actually see Niner players exhorting the Bucs to play harder. I'm not kidding. The Niners converted every turnover. QB Alex Smith had a 127.5 passer rating. That’s a passer rating over 100 two weeks in a row- a first for Smith. The 49ers piled up 213 yards rushing, with Frank Gore averaging 6.3 yards a carry. It makes one realize what really bad coaching does for a team.
The Bucs came into the game looking like contenders at 3-1, and leave town a bunch of quitters and a team that could slide right back to the basement if they keep this up.
ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS, 49ers!!!!!!!!! Get outa our basement.
COLLAPSE OF THE WEEK
Colts 24, Chiefs 28
How bad are the Cheaps? Not bad enough. The Dolts pull off this week’s mega-fade, leading 17-0 and 24-7, and STILL come up with the ‘L’. These guys are 0-5 and looking like Moldy Champs! The Cheaps tie the biggest comeback in franchise history and beat Indianapolis for the first time EVER. And all the teams that have never beaten the Colts since Peyton Manning arrived are lining up! Are the Colts really this bad? They were brilliant behind QB Chris Painter for a half, and then did what the bad teams do, got tired and got run over in the second half. The Cheaps QB Sam Cassel will beat the other doormats that have no pass rush and no pass defense, are poorly conditioned, and suspect coaching. Lesse, that might be good for 8 wins.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE-UP
Seahawks 36, Giants 25
I bet nobody saw this coming. Especially the Seahags. Attempting to blow the game in the final minutes, the Seahags are thwarted by Eli Manning who caroms one off two players and into Seahags defender Brandon Browner who runs it 96 yards for the inexplicable last second TD and victory. It’s not supposed to go like this.
Eagles 24, Bills 31
Ok, the Fleagles are in the Basement. Right now. You can’t be 1-4 and hang around outside by the grill, pretending you’re just dropping by. You don’t throw 4 interceptions and drop another on the turf and not get a personalized barstool next to the Rainer Ale neon sign (watch out for the leak from the ceiling, it tends to drip right onto the neon).
What becomes an underachiever most? Finger pointing. Let’s see just how much longer this team of prima donnas who obviously aren’t listening to… I dunno, Michael Vick doesn’t really seem to need much help with the self-destruct button. He’s all over it.
Saints 30, Panthers 27
The Pansies are this year’s Nils. They almost win. Every game. These guys need a blowout. They need to lose one big. It’s exhausting having to come up with creative ways to lose game after game by a few points. This time they did it in the final minute.
Let’s see if they can lose one in the final second next week.
Vikings 34, Cardinals 10
The Crudinals put on a clinic yesterday. Throwing it into reverse right from the kickoff, the Crud punt, then shank a punt for 15 yards, toss an INT, fumble and post the Yikings to a 28-0 lead, clearly planning for the Yikes Come-From-Ahead gameplan to kick in the second quarter.
Oops. Yikes ‘improve’ to 1-4, while the Crud (1-4) continue to sink attractively into the arroyo seco. They still aren’t the Lambs. Nobody is.
Bengals 30, Jaguars 20
This is the Stiff of the Week, but, amazingly, these teams combined for 50 points. 14 punts, 25 TOTAL first downs. Gaguars still on Fire the Coach watch, and the time is near, unless the ownership has closed the blinds in the luxury suite. Which they have.
How do you score 50 points with no movement on the field? Easy. Give up the BIG play. Throw an interception at your own 1. Punt until you just can’t anymore, and then run 3 plays and kick a field goal. Bungles are 3-2, people. They just aren’t bad enough.
Chargers 29, Broncos 24
Whew it was close. The Donkeys stage the first Futile Comeback of the year. Safely behind 26-10 with 10 minutes to go in the game, the Donks go all champion and score 14 pointless points and pointlessly getting their pointy-headed fans all pointing to the sky until the Chargers just kick one more field goal and hit the showers.
Donkeys a healthy 1-4 and in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet.
A Moment of Violence, Please
Raiders 25, Texans 20
With Al Davis watching from his place of honor in you-know-where (hey, he’s got a whole wing down there for all his guys who will be arriving), the Raiders play like…the Raiders. Violent defense, the kind where the other team looks a little freaked out, or are bleeding profusely, a hail of penalties, big plays, and chip-shot 50 yard field goals. Raiders chalk up a measly 11 first downs and WIN the game. I almost cried.
THIS WEEK’S SUPER DUPER LOWS:
Points: 3 Bootineers
FD: 11 Raiders (and they WON)
Yards: 239 Bungles (and they WON)
Rush: 55 Packers
Pass: 113 Donkeys
Turnovers 5 Fleagles
Penalties 11-89 Raiders
Hey, Wacko, thought this was about Doormats. Half this article is about the 49ers blasting the Bucs, er, Bootineers. Can't blame you, though. It's so much fun to watch a perennial doormat plaster somebody and have a season with more wins than losses. Just like the Lions. There is a major shift going on in the NFL. Some of our doormats are what used to be titans of the NFL. It's a bright, beautiful day in the NFL.
ReplyDeleteYep, Raiders won in old-fashioned Raiders style. That was a great game to watch. I know what you mean, toward the end the Texans looked like they just wanted to get off the field.
ReplyDeleteI think the Beagles are officially in the basement. I will wipe the sticky beer off a torn barstool for them, right under the neon Ranier sign.
ReplyDeletewell, the Niners got in there because it's the Blowout of the Week. Whoever loses biggest gets in there, and the Bootineers have a canny knack for keeping their hat in the doormat ring.
ReplyDeletePlus, it's the official ADIO BRO CHA CHO to them. I didn't believe last week.
ReplyDeleteHey, the Yikes really are a come from ahead to lose team, they have outscored their opponents but are 1-4. Huh? That might be a sign of a team that could blow it and start winning some games. Pansies are at risk for the same.
ReplyDeleteOK, gang, is it Beagles, Fleagles, or Pheebles for the Eagles? DT, you always come up with the great names. Jeez. Elvis said he wants to jump a team even though we are in Week 5. I don't care. It's crowded in the basement, we might as well have the ones there that deserve it most.
ReplyDeleteFleagles. Turner gave his stamp of approval. When did Elvis say he was jumping?
ReplyDeleteWeek Six is the CUTOFF PEOPLE. THIS IS IT. You wanna change teams, change now. No more after that.
Yikings....yes, they may start winning, though not against the Pack or Lions. But the Bears look beatable. I though that was 6 guaranteed losses, but not so confident now.
We need a posting on this year's mirage teams (ones that looked good last year gut it was a mirage):
ReplyDeleteBears and Chiefs come to mind.