The Loss Leaders- The NFL's WORST STATS WEEK 5!!

The Loss Leaders: The NFL’s Worst Stats! Week 6, 2011

Five weeks is a fair and balanced chunk of time to establish your credentials in the NFL….for the basement! If you can’t fumble the game away by now, you probably aren’t going to do it.

THIRD DOWN CONVERSIONS

If you can’t make a first down, you can at least help the other team get some. It’s only fair.

The new kings of the Basement, the Colts are leading the league in 3^rd down conversions given up 49.3%. WOW. It must feel like 99% in Coltville.

Miami and St. Louis are duking it out for First Worst in converting their own 3^rd downs at

26.5% and 27.9%, respectively. If respect has anything to do with it. Unfortunately, they will not be playing each other, a real Doormat let-down. But the Lambs DO get the Seahags (33%) Nov.20^th. That should be a real…long tailgate. I’ll just have one more brat..and a beer….and watch a cooking show.

MOST INTERCEPTIONS

Everybody loves this one, and it’s a helluva battle.

Kyle Orton and Philip Rivers faced off last week in the Battle for What Are Our Colors Again?, and Rivers took the lead in the first half, only to see Orton respond with a costly INT in the second half. Tied at 7! But, unbeknownst to them, on the other side of the country, Eagles QB Michael Vick throws an incredible FOUR interceptions in week 5, and finishes the day with 7 INTs on the year. WOW! Throw in 2 more by the back-up, and you’ve got a league leading 9 for the Feebles.

Interceptions, player:

Vick, Eagles, 7

Orton, Broncos, 7

Rivers, Chargers, 7

Bradford, Rams, 6 (he’s a game behind, so give him a chance)

Interceptions, Team

Eagles, 9 (Eagles have more INTs than passing TDs)

Broncos, 7

Cardinals, 7

Cowboys, 7

Chargers, 7

I put the Chargers at the bottom, because they have a winning record. Pfftt!

LOWEST QB RATING, TEAM:

If you can get it under 60, your offense is hitting on all the burnt out cylinders.

I mean, your line stinks, your coach stinks, and your quarterback really ought to be backing up somebody else. I hear Mark Rypien’s daughter is tearing up the Lingerie league.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 58.7

2 Rams 69.7

Lowest? Eagles backup QB, Mike Kafka (47.7). Unless he undergoes some sort of METAMORPHOSIS, Vick’s job is safe.

NFL WORST Doormat QB All Star:

QB Sam Bradford, St. Louis Lambs! 70.8 rating, 19 sacks (1^st) , 5.6 yards per attempt (1^st), and 48.7 (1^st) completion average. How many milliseconds is Sam getting to drop back and throw before the tidal wave hits him on every play? Yow! He’s got Happy Feet! Not happy enough. The Rams running game has left them, so…duck. It’s gonna be a looooooooooooong season in St. Louis.

Most Times SACKED

Getting dropped on your ass tells us a lot about a team, mostly that the offensive line is a bit too fat, a bit too slow, doesn’t really like the QB, nobody’s open, and the QB holds the ball waaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Bradford, Rams 19 (some say 18, some say 19)

2. Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler, Bears, 18

3. Kevin Kolb, Cardinals, 16

4. Rothlisberger, Steelers 15

5. Whoever, Miami 14

A GOOD KICK IN THE TEETH

Runback yardage, most allowed.

The Carolina Panthers (Pansies) come in with a whopping 27 yards of return for every punt they kick. Nobody else even comes close. Think about this. Even if not EVERY punt gets run back 30 yards, MOST of them are. Even if you kick it to the 15, your opponent brings it out to the 42. That’s insane. Cam Newton can throw all the touchdowns he likes. He’s not going to win when the other team gets to start in his front yard.

Most Punts

This is the Boring Game meter. If you can get over the magic 7 punts a game, you are in a class by yourself! This means not only are you bad, you’re a stiff. Nobody’s there yet, but the Seahags have the inside track.

1. Seahawks, 33 6.6 (avg. per game)

2. Bengals, 32 6.4

3. Jets 31 6.2

4. Bears 30

Yep, there’s some of the most boring teams in the league, right there.

[The Bungles have opened the season playing nothing but Doormats (but losing to the resurgent 49ers and Bills), so don’t give up on them yet. They’ve got some ‘L’s left in them.]

Punt Average

And, the ONLY way to lead the league in punting (avg yards, that is) is to have a team that can’t get over the 40 yard line most of the time. It’s fun to be on a loser if you’re the punter. You become the most important guy on the team.

1. Andy Lee, San Francisco 51.6 This won’t last if they keep winning.

2. Brian Colquitt, Denver Broncos 50.7 That’s having a LOT of field to work with

PENALTIES!

If you can’t lose the old-fashioned way, by just getting run over, call for the yellow hanky play. Give the other guys as many chances as possible. They deserve it.

Most FIRST DOWNS given up by Penalty

This stat is the real killer in penalty land. Just when you think they’re punting, you give them another set of downs. The Oakland Raiders come in so far in front on this, it’s not even a contest.

1. Raiders 22

2. Cardinals 13

3. Tampa Bay 12

The Raiders always commit a lot of penalties, but somehow they are winning anyway. It’s going to catch up with them. Unless, of course, they just keep pulvering the other teams to the point where they really don’t wanna be on the field anymore. Funny how that works.

MOST PENALTIES:

1. Oakland Raiders 10 per game!

2. Tampa Bay 8.8

3. Chicago 8.6

4. Seattle 8.2

RUSHING YARDS GIVEN UP

You can get away with giving up a lot of yards in the air, as long as you stop them somewhere (bend but don’t break), but you can’t let them run over you. It’s demoralizing, and it eats up the clock. You end up on the field all night long, and pretty soon you just give up.

Our leaders are a who’s who of the Doormat Division:

1. Rams 179.8 (Lord have mercy on their fans)

2. Colts 145.2

3. Eagles 140.2

4. Bills 138.4

Bills keeping afloat by just scoring so damn fast it doesn’t matter. Them and the Lions. Lions only give up 114 a game, though, so look for them to win more often.

RUSHING YARDS, PERIOD

Tired of watching your guy run into the line…and falling backward? Anything under 100 yards is anemic.

1. Titans 66.6 yards per game.

2. Jets 76.2 holy mother Mary this team is boring.

3. Colts 82

4. Seahawks 83

5. Giants 83.8

6. Browns 85.8

7. Cowboys 86.8

8. Rams 92.8

Somehow the Titans are 3-2, as are the Giants. Their defense is bailing them out, and the passing is just getting them over. Without Peyton Manning, the Colts are TOAST.

The GIVE AND TAKE

Remember, if they give you the ball, be charitable, and give it right back.

The Philadelphia Feebles come in WAY WAY WAY ahead in the Giveaway Takeaway Derby, with a -10 total. Good old Michael Vick, dancing around with a bread loaf, putting on the turf (7 times) or chucking it up there for whoever. What a giver.

1. Feebles -10

2. Cowpies -4

3. Crudinals -4

The Feebles lead the league in interceptions AND fumbles (7). It’s just a one-man wrecking crew over there. He makes the rushing yards look good, but what’s it matter if you don’t have the ball after all that prancing around?

What’s it all mean?

Here’s what it means: The Rams really are a well rounded bad team. Ditto the Colts, though I think they are improving at QB. The Jets really should lose a boatload. Look for them to make it in the 10 club. The Eagles are shooting themselves in the foot better than any team in the league. Keep it up, and they rule the NFC Basement. But, right now, the Lambs are far more consistently, and institutionally, bad.

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!