Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals