DOORMAT DIVISION 2011: NFL WEEK SIX
Week Six is the big one. Ever since we set up the basement- threw down the ‘green’ shag carpet, hauled in the orange Duct Tape couch, plugged in the Zenith, and flickered on the Rainer neon- we’ve learned that week six is one of the crucial weeks in the NFL. Desperate teams either come out swinging, or lie down like Lambs. Early season surprises meet in high energy pit fights to claim supremacy, or suddenly don’t look so hot. The really good teams start to just crush people, and the season is sealed for a LOT of members of the basement. Notice how 4 Doormats had the week off? Wonder how much cash it took to buy off the NFL schedule pimps and skip #6. It’s your last chance to turn it around for this season.
Who’s Not A Doormat?
49ers 25, Lions 19
Why am I even covering this game? Because these teams have both come stormin’ out of the basement, both of them improbable (49ers the most), and it’s our ex-doormats duking it out for bragging rights to hottest turn-around and Division leads. Good Grief!!
In a jaw dropping perfect imitation of a classic Raiders game, the Niners commit 15 penalties (tying the Raiders for this year’s high) for 120 yards, punt NINE times, get only 14 first downs, get a couple of huge plays at the crucial moment, play smash mouth defense, and unbelievably win the game in the final minutes at the Kat Box. It wasn’t pretty. What else to expect from two just recent ex-doormats? They wanted to kill each other. They still do.
The Lions and Niners linemen are going to need 2 weeks to recover from this game. Niners get it. On at least two occasions, everybody on the line made impact at the same time and stood each other up, like a freeze frame. You almost never see that. WHAM!
With the Detroit fans going bonkers, the 49ers come out stumbling on offense, but are insane on defense. Matthew Stafford looks like his old self, falling backward, getting canned, and throwing sidearm to the general area of Chris Johnson.
The Niners run Frank Gore RIGHT AT Ndamukong Suh, and it works like crazy.
OK, so the Lions aren’t going to go 16-0. They aren’t going 5-11 either. So improbable are the Niners at 5-1, that coach Jim Harbaugh gave Detroit coach Jim Schwartz a forearm shiver and a kick in the nuts at the traditional post game hand shake. OK, it wasn’t that bad, but Schwartz came back at him, players had to separate them, and they sorta made up in the tunnel to the locker room. But not really. If these teams make it to the playoffs, a rematch will be off the hook.
BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK!
BEARS 39, VIKINGS 10
The Yikings started the season with an All-Star 4 Come From Ahead losses, then really honestly tried and won a game, and then hit the Barcalounger. Whew! At some point you realize you better focus on the little things. Like 15 first downs, 53 yards rushing, 1-3 in the red zone, 0-2 on 4th down, and start a game with 2 punts and a safety. All of those things are little, small, tiny things. Yikes are 1-5 and host the Packers next week. Yikes!
Packers 24, Rams 3
The Lambs pile up 424 useless yards, QB Sam Bradford attempts to pull into a tie for most interceptions (7) with a nifty goal-line INT, and the Lambs go 0-3 in the red zone.
Lambs defense opens up some extra lanes to improve traffic flow, and Aaron Rodgers drives the bus through for 21 second quarter points. Game over. Bradford gets 3 more sacks to pad his league-leading 22. Lambs definitely the inside fave to win it all in the Doormat NFC. But don’t count out the Pansies just yet.
THAT SINKING FEELING
Falcons 31, Panthers 17
The Carolina Pansies- last year’s Moldy Carpet Trophy winners, are starting to settle in.
Cam Newton is getting the hang of it- try to win the game all by yourself and think you can throw a pass through a hole even a mouse wouldn’t attempt. 3 interceptions for Cam, and a Doormat worthy passer rating on the day of 44.6. Welcome to the club, Cam. I’m not taking down the Pansy wallpaper in the basement now. Pansies 1-5 and host the Deadskins next week.
Steelers 17 Jaguars 13
STIFF OF THE WEEK! Gaguars punt 7 times, amass 76 yards passing, play terrible and still have a shot to beat the slowly disintegrating Pittsburgh Steelers. Ha! Gaguars watch their season sink into the Allegheny river, never to be seen again. Time to go for worst.
Don’t fire Del Rio now, you guys are starting to look good in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Go for it. Gaguars are 1-5, but still not last in the AFC South, because…
Bengals 27, Colts 17
Give up now, Dorothy. Peyton Manning is your brain, and you don’t have it. The Colts stage this season’s first really good Futile Comeback, pulling within 3 points with 9 minutes to go, but remember who they are and go with the perfect fumble on the carpet with 2 minutes to go and the Bungles run it in for the TD and the final nail in the horseshoe.
Colts still without a blemish at 0-6, worst in the NFL. The Bungles are 4-2, people, and get the week off. When do they ever play a team with a winning record again? They may get to be this year’s Mirage team.
Raiders 24, Brownies 17
Sloooooowly, sloooowly the Brownies descend again into the dank dank basement. Raiders lose QB Jason Campbell for the season. Not good. Kyle Boller is not the answer.
Eagles 20 Redskins 13
The Feebles save themselves from Week Six damnation, pulling out a gutsy victory against the ‘resurgent’ Deadskins, and at 2-4 still have a shot at being a football team. Michael Vick still gets in an INT (8), but Deadskin QB Rex Grossman throws FOUR to rocket to 9 on the season and the lead in the interception derby. A spectacular 23.7 rating for the week for Rex, aaand a benching. Wow!
Jets 24 Dolphins 6
Hey..the Floppers are really really putting on a show. True Doormat membership means refusing to be outdone by some other team’s charity. Shining example: The Flops kick a field goal in the first quarter, and recover the muffed kick-off at the Jets 18. Never miss an opportunity to give back – Flops promptly throw INT at the Jets 1, and it goes 99 the other way- touchdown, Jets. You have to love that.
Dolphins end up with more first downs than the Jets, outgain the Jets, and outshoot themselves in the foot more than the Jets- which is really saying something. 2-12 on first down, 3 turnovers, 0-3 in the red zone. Look out DOLTS, the 0-5 Floppers are for real.
The Flaw-fins, the Dull-fins, the Flops host Denver next week, so it’s going to take some Doormat preparation to blow that game. Don’t count the Flops out, ever. They can get the loss anywhere, anytime.
You GOTTA love WEEK SIX!!
NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS
Points: 3 Lambs
TDs: 0 Lambs, Dolphins
First Downs: 13 Jets
Yards: 209 Gaguars
Rush: 42 Deadskins
Pass: 76 Gaguars
3rd down: 1-10 Deadskins (Lions 2-15)
Turnovers: 4 Deadskins, Saints, Pats
Sacked: 5 Gaguars, Yikings, Lions
Punts: 9 Niners
Penalties 15-120 Niners
AAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement..urp.
That Lions/Niners game was truly exciting. Tow ex-doormats trying to prove they are not going back to the basement. The 9ers won this round, though. They looked good, especially on defense. The Lions, I think, were overconfident. They aren't to the playoffs yet and it's a long season.
ReplyDelete"we’ve learned that week six is one of the crucial weeks in the NFL. Desperate teams either come out swinging, or lie down like Lambs"
ReplyDeleteYou mean, "Lie down like THE Lambs."
why, I do believe I DO.
ReplyDeletePheebles looked pretty good this week. They may go on a winning streak now. But I hope not. It's kinda nice having an eagle standing on the bar in the basement.
ReplyDeleteThe eagle is great. the mouse population has really dropped.
ReplyDelete