DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK NINE EXTRAVAGANZA!!!

NFC: TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

Arizona Cardinals 19, St. Louis Lambs 13

The Doozy in the Desert was a wild affair yesterday. The Arizona Crudinals, gunning for first place in the NFC Doormat, run into the Kings of Katastrophe in Phoenix, and find themselves still in second place this morning, after doing just about everything a team can do to lose.

When is the last time you saw a pro football team pull off TWO safeties in a row? On TWO CONSECUTIVE PLAYS??? How did they win this game?? How do you think? The St. Louis Lambs, grizzled veterans of the Doormat Division that they are, after seeing three over-50 yard field goal attempts scrape over the goal post to inch their way to a 9-3 first half lead, shut down the offense completely the rest of the way, going into relentless and vicious punt mode. The Crudinals had to take matters into their own hands, chalking up the two safeties to get the Lambs at least a touchdown ahead at 13-6 in the 3^rd quarter. But the Lambs countered with enough punts to include that little yappy dog in the next yard outside the Basement, here, and eventually Crudinals backup QB Red Skelton- whoops, John Skelton- noticed that all the Lambie DBs were playing about 37 yards off the line of scrimmage, which was real trouble. Next thing you know, the Cruds SCORE and tie the game!

The Lambs pull off blowing a 4^th and 1, and Cruds counter with a punt, but the Lambs take the last possession of the game and pull off the heartbreaker for every Doormat fan on their blue and gold couch with the fading Kurt Warner poster over the TV, the timeless Blocked Field Goal on the Final Play of regulation. Can you feel it, St. Louis? I thought so.

The Lambs, fed up with this charade, get the coin toss in OT, promptly punt, clear some lanes and show Cardinals punt returner Patrick Peterson the exit- TOUCHDOWN Crudinals, and go back to the drawing board, guys, the real pros of the Doormat have prevailed. What a game.

Lambs still in FIRST in the NFC at 1-7.

Dallas Cowboys 23, Seattle Seahawks 13

The Seahags, despite losing a hell of a lot of games, aren’t getting any respect around here. It must be the low clouds in Seattle, it just insures obscurity. If they don’t watch out, they’re going to get into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, and then where will they be? What a game for both teams: punt, punt, FG, FG, punt, FG, fumble! What rhythm.

For the second half the Hags just self-destructed, with QB Tavaris Jackson taking care of business with three INTs. Hags toss in a missed FG for some balance. Seahags chalk up another ‘L’ and Cowpies inch their way out of the doormat up to 4-4.

San Francisco 49er 19, Washington Redskins 11

Remember when the Deadskins were in first in the NFC East? Now they are working on the ball skills (4 fumbles) and never throwing a pass farther than 9 yards. It’s working wonders since they benched Rex Grossman. Interceptions are down, but the losing is way up. ‘Skins climb to 3-5 and pull into 5^th in the Doormat NFC.

DOORMAT AFC: And then there was ONE.

Dolphins 31, Chiefs 3

I don’t know WHY I ever give up on the Cheaps. Just when I finally say they aren’t a doormat team, they pull a really good one. Man, can they play down to the competition. Ever notice how blowouts usually start with the losing team getting a quick field goal to start the game? And then that’s it? The Miami Floppers, narrowly losing most of their games this year, finally can’t sustain it anymore against an inspired bunch of over-confident boobs in Kansas City, and pummel the Cheaps ALL DAY LONG, blitzing Cheaps QB Sam Cassel’s brains out. When you’ve known how to play bad, and then you play a bad team, you relax and figure you can get away with a few mistakes during the game. Next thing you know, all 22 guys are doing it, and BOOM. Flops leave the unwinning ranks, falling out of first place. I will never lose faith in the Cheaps to play like garbage ever again. I should know better.

Texans 30, Browns 12

The Brownies are starting to really put together the string. This may be our guys for the 10 game losing streak after hopeful start. Avergaing 19 yards per possession, the Brownies hold off scoring a touchdown until late in the 4^th quarter, get 172 total yards and just play football as boring as their blank helmets. I think they need to put Brownies mascot Chomps on there. The plush toy one. Brownies still very good on pass defense, but what does it matter when you can just rack up 261 yards on the ground?

Look out for these guys. It’s the Lambs next week, so it’s gonna be tough.

Jets 27 Bills 11

Look who’s 5-3 now. Bills learning that dropping the Doormat Aura just isn’t that easy.

Falcons 31 Colts 7

The Dolts scored a touchdown this week. On an interception at the Atlanta 1. It was an honest mistake. Dolts game plan: INT, Fumble, and 9 straight punts. At home. Next up: the Jacksonville Jaguars. Be there for the worst football game of the year. Tickets ARE available.

Buncos 38, Raydurz 24

I gotta get outa the basement, but I wish I could feature this game- the Raydurz….WOW! They allow 300 yards rushing, make Tim Tebow look good, Carson Palmer shows why they called his old team the Bungles with 3 more picks, Raydurz chalk up 15 penalties for 130 yards, and finally just a clinic of pathetic tackling and blown assignments. Please watch the punt return by Bunco’s Royal for the touchdown if you want some laughs. The entire AFC West is at .500 or under. Woo-Hoo!!

THIS WEEK’S NFL WEEK NINE WORST STATS:

Points: 3 Cheaps

First Downs: 10 Brownies, Dolts

Yards: 172 Brownies

Rush: 44 Brownies

Pass: 103 Dolts

Turnovers 4 Patsies

Punts: 9 Dolts

Penalties 15-130 Raydurz

Avg poss. 19yd Brownies

aaaaAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!