AS THE FROZEN TURKEY SPINS: NFL WEEK 11 PREVIEW

Broncos best reception of the night: a pick-six

Broncos 17 Jets 13

I hate these Thursday night games. I’ve barely recovered from my NFL Sunday hangover, the Basement is still awash in pizza boxes and beer cans, and now we have to start getting out our predictions by Thursday morning. Come ON.

I bet the New York Jets hate Thursday night, now, too. Tim Tebow is now leading the charge for what is the most unique phenomenon in the NFL- a team playing pure doormat ball (until the final 5 minutes), and winning games! It’s the best of both worlds! Except the Buncos now have no chance to win the Moldy Carpet, and they sure aren’t going to win the Stuper Bowl. But, enjoy this time, Denver phans, because NFL teams are going to start watching video of the past 5 games, and the good teams (wait, do the Broncos play any of those?) will be figuring out your 1 ½ dimension team.

11 first downs! 56 total plays! 104 yards passing! These stats could hold up as WORST NFL STATS of the Week, and it’s only Friday! What are the Buncos doing right? Their defense is keeping it close. Tebow is not getting sacked quite so often anymore, and the guy sure does know how to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat, which is just not the Doormat way. The Donkey-Buncos have 6 games left to get an education, but there are some pretty shaky opponents in that mix, with only Chicago and New England looking like a sure L. All you Bronco haters out there, they’ve just upped the ante!

Okay, on to the preview:

NFL WEEK 11 Preview and Frozen Turkey Spin

Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose

Game of the Week!

Seattle Seahawks (3-6) at St. Louis Rams (2-7)

Last time these two Doormat titans met, it was for all the marbles in the NFC Worst, and a place in history as the Seahags became the first team in history to win a Division with a losing record (7-9). The Hags are one of the worst road teams on the planet. The Lambs, fresh off their second straight win, will be straining to maintain their Doormat cred, but it just might not be enough.

EDGE: Seahags

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) at Cleveland Browns (3-6)

Another week, another Brownie-Bake-Sale in Cleveland. Pour another bowl of Chomps Cereal, sit back, and close your eyes, Cleveland. The Moldy Carpet could have been yours, but you squandered your chances in the early season, winning games you should have lost, and now look- a 3-6 record, a paper bag, and some scissors. The Gaguars, continuing their tour of the quietest stadiums in the NFL, fresh off their failure to out-lose the Dolts, will be really bringing it. The ineptitude, I mean. This is the game that asks the question: why haven’t any NFL coaches been fired yet?

EDGE: Brownies

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at Miami Dolphins (2-7)

The Bills are teetering near Nils territory folks. With one more loss, they’ll be back at .500, and will be allowed to hunker over the grill on our patio. The Floppers have become the Doormat bully lately, suddenly finding their alter-ego, and tromping teams somewhat decisively. Shocking. Time for some over-confidence!

EDGE: Floppers

Dallas Cowboys (5-4) at Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Deadskins are on a 5-game roll, and the Cowpies pulled themselves over .500 last week. The Deadskins are past mediocre now. They’re a fixture at the bar in the Basement.

EDGE: Deadskins

Arizona Cardinals (3-6) at San Francisco 49ers (8-1)

The Crudinals were no match for the Pheebles last week, so they’ve gone back to the drawing board to figure out what is going on. No worries, Doormat fans, even though I can’t get used to seeing “8-1” next to the 49ers in the standings, the Cruds will have trouble crossing the 50 yard line in this one. Look for one pick-six in this affair.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

Oakland Raiders (5-4) at Minnesota Vikings (2-7)

The Raiders have scraped all the rust off Carson Palmer, the receiving corps is pumped to say the least, and the Yikings will be hoving into sight at just about the right moment on Sunday- losing time. Now, the Raydurz can play a sloppy, boneheaded game with the best of them, so anything is possible, but right now I’m seeing 4 touchdowns out of the Silver and Black,and I think the Yikes have stopped doing that now. After all, it’s Week 11, guys are getting more than tired.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Carolina Panthers (2-7) at Detroit Lions (6-3)

If the Lions can blow this one at the Cat Box, people might start looking over their shoulder to see if Matt Millen’s ghost is floating by. The Kitties have looked sloppy and unfocused, Matt Stafford has started doing that ‘flinging it’ thing he does when he’s tanking, and the wheels are wobbling. Lose this one, and it’s a short week before the Packers show up and start kicking cat litter in their face. Pansies really tanked last week. Newton will play better, but the Pansies are better at coming close but no cigar than any other team.

EDGE: Pansies

Philadephia Eagles at New York Giants

“How bad could it be?” Michael Vick has broken ribs, the Eagles have forgotten how to use LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson is either unhappy or screwing up, and the Pheebles will come skulking into the Jimmy Hoffa Memorial End Zone Sunday, hoping to pull their feet out of the cement shoes they’re being fitted for. Not a chance.

EDGE: Pheebles

Blowout of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots

The Cheaps are 15 point underdogs on Monday night, and it’s just the kind of national stage that gets a coach fired from a team he is running into the ground. Hard to get fired when your stars are out for the season, though, with QB Matt Cassel handing the punishment over to Tyler Palko (first start ever) and RB Jamaal Charles checked out for the duration of the season. The Cheaps have given up nine sacks in the last two weeks. They may get that many more come Monday night.

EDGE and complete abyss: CHEAPS

TIME TO SUMMON THE ORACLE AND

SPIN THE FROZEN TURKEY.

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!