THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK TEN PREVIEW

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK TEN PREVIEW

Okay, it’s almost time to SPIN THE FROZEN TURKEY for this week’s picks, so we’d better get a LEG up on the odds!!!!! Remember, the EDGE goes to the team with the best chance to LOSE.

Game of the Weak!

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) at Indianapolis Colts (0-9)

The Gaguars and the Dolts! This could be the worst, best, worst game of the year.

The big question on everyone’s mind is: is it still possible to have a tie in the NFL? A team that is teetering on the edge of disaster against the team that can’t do anything.

Last week, after a fumble and an interception, the Dolts last nine possessions were punts.

I’ve been doing this Doormat thing a long time, and I’ve never seen that. I mean, wouldn’t you GO FOR IT on fourth down at least once? Suspicious, to say the least.

The Gaguars, on the other hand, are coming off a bye week, and we all know what that means- PAR-TAY!! Lots of time to forget whatever it is you didn’t learn too well in the first place, and even more time to let thoughts about just giving up on the whole season to really gel. Most teams play pretty bad after a bye week. When you are already 32^nd in offense, 31^st in scoring, and 32^nd in passing, where is there to go? You can ramp up the punts! The Dolts lead the league in punts (54), while the Gags come sliding into 3^rd with 49 (a 4-way tie!). Let’s see if they can do something about that. It’s gonna be tough, because the Dolts, as we saw last week, are relentless. Dolts are in serious, serious trouble in their effort to go unvictorious for 16 games. This is IT.

EDGE: Gaguars

Game of the Week!

St. Louis Lambs (1-7) at Cleveland Browns (3-5)

See, I changed the spelling on Game of the Week, there, so it’s different. Both of these teams played down to expectations last week, though the Lambs did it in style, losing on a punt return in OT, and blowing the victory with a blocked field goal at the end of regulation. The Brownies, as ever, just played blank helmet football and refused to move the ball. So, it’s another Brownie Bake Sale in Cleveland this week, folks, and anybody that wants some of that new Chomps Cereal (“Breakfast of Chumpions!”) can have a complimentary bowl right there in the area where defensive linemen usually are.

This one is TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

EDGE: even

THE REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Denver Broncos (3-5) at Kansas City Chiefs (4-4)

The AFC West is the .500 division. Unfortunately, after today, someone will have a winning record (see below). The Cheaps proved they can tank it with the best of them last week, getting slapped around by the Fish mercilessly, at HOME, and now here comes the team that may just start running over everybody else in this division. Tim Tebow can’t throw, except when he really really has to. It’s gonna be a wild one.

EDGE: I refuse to say the Cheaps are going to win. Edge Cheaps. Just because.

Oakland Raiders (4-4) at San Diego Chargers (4-4)

Well, the Colts (Dolts) stole their nickname, but the Chargers can still score a ton of points and lose, so why not against these guys? Why not? Things have gone so bad, in the short time since Al Davis’ crypt was sealed (I did go out and check at the columbarium, it’s still intact, he hasn’t risen yet), that I don’t know how the Chargers can lose this one. How anybody can match the All-Star Bumbling that was on display in Oakland last week is beyond me. Chargers QB Philip Rivers, leading the league in INTs at 14, has serious competition from Carson Palmer, who has racked up 6 in TWO games. That would be 24 for 8 games. I just hope the Raiders can keep the penalties under…oh, who am I kidding? This team looked sooooooooooooooooooo bad last week. I'm sorry to say that once this game ends, someone will have a winning record. This is no NFC Worst 2011, obviously..but there's still time!

EDGE: RAYDURZ

Baltimore Ravens (6-2) at Seattle Seahawks (2-6)

It’s time for the Seahags (29^th in offense) to step up against the Ravens (2^nd in defense), from out of that cloud cover, and show the football world just how bad they really are. This is the game that starts the sli- oh, wait they’re already terrible.

EDGE: Seahags.

Washington Redskins (3-5) at Miami Dolphins (1-7)

Doormat face-off #3!! What a week! Somebody has to win.

The Deadskins kept it close last week…or maybe that was the 49ers doing that. Deadskins have no quarterback. They really don’t. The Floppers have played well for 3 weeks, have lost a lot of close games, and QB Matt Moore is showing signs of getting the hang of NFL life. They just don’t understand Doormat principles- but I think the Deadskins do. Mike Shanahan is the worst coach to coach a bad team. It makes for a perfect fit. Notice how Shanahan’s skin tone seems to get redder all the time?

EDGE: Deadskins

Tenessee Titanics (4-4) at Carolina Panthers (2-6)

Pansies will just keep doing what they do best- looking pretty good, and losing. Every game they flirt with disaster, though, nearly winning, and this is no different.

Still, I’m going with the gut feeling. And, they’re coming off a bye week.

EDGE: Pansies

Minnesota Vikings (2-6) at Green Bay (8-0)

The Yikings are another doormat coming off a bye week. Bye-Bye.

Edge: Yikings

Arizona Cardinals (2-6) at Philadelphia Eagles (3-5)

You know, the Pheebles are really pretty damn bad. But not bad enough.

Any team that can pull two safeties on consecutive plays has my vote.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

GENTLEMEN, THE TURKEY’S in the FREEZER (put Chomps out before you do the spins)- MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!!!!