DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK NINE PREVIEW

GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals

The University of Phoenix Crudinals and the St. Lost Lambs face off in the biggest Doormat struggle for pre-eminence so far this season. Two 1-6 titans of terrible bring their F game to the emptiest place in America for a gridiron grapple of humongous importance.

I can’t stress this enough. Well, maybe I can, but whoever walks away with this loss, and it’s going to take some real ingenuity here, will control NFC Worst, and if you can lose to everybody in the NFC Worst, you can probably outlast even the Yikings. Who stumbled badly last week, winning against the ingenous Carolina Panthers.

Coming off an inexplicable victory at the hands of the craftily over-confident phone-it-in Saints, the Lambs will try to get back on track against a Crudinal team that is beginning to show signs of being nearly unstoppable in their laser like descent into the deepest recesses of the Basement.

What will it take? Whaddya Got? The Cruds are masters of the missed field goal, Lambs kings of the Sack-n-Fumble, Lambs kings of sacks, Cruds absolute gods at the bonehead penalty at the crucial moment (I’m still trying to decipher which hand signals they use for that).

Cruds are interception machine, Lambs still can’t score (they’ve got to be exhausted from last week), and Cruds are 31^st in keeping the other team on the field longer (first downs). SOMEHOW the Lambs are not last in total offense (31^st) - when you give up 48 TDs, and only score 8, how can you not be LAST??? Because the Gaguars are allowed in this league.

This one is almost impossible to call- I’m giving the Cruds the slightest edge, but the Lambs are riding the wave…..there’s no water in Arizona. But so what? Cards are penalty boobs, they throw INTs, have a lousy kicker and the Lambs have a passable (ha!) pass defense (12^th). Says here the Lambs pick up another ‘W’ seriously threatening their championship aspirations. 16 punts. 5 turnovers.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

SEATTLE SEAHAWK at DALLAS COWBOYS

Dallas can’t keep it up against this formidable opponent, not at home. Home field advantage is such a burden. EDGE: SEAHAGS

DENVER BRONCOS at OAKLAND RAIDERS

Oh my God. It’s Tim Tebowing going up against The Bionic Rust, Carson Palmer (completing the all-rust-buddy passing attack is newly acquired WR TJ Houshmandzadeh!). Tim Tebow brings his act into Hell’s Football Stadium, and the fur is going to fly. I can’t stress enough how much Raider Nation dislikes the Buncos. Dislike goes a long way in this league, usually in penalty yards right down the field, but Raiders the best team in the league at stepping right over a mountain of them. EDGE: BUNCOS

Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs

All right ALLRIGHT!! I’ll say it. The Kansas City Chiefs are not a Doormat team. I’m so disappointed. Starting off the season like they really meant it, the Cheaps were no match for the Yikings, Dolts, Raydurz and last week’s stunner, the Chargers. Now they’ve won 4 in a row and it’s all gone poof! They probably won’t get back to losing until week 11 against the Pats. They don’t have a chance against the Floppers. The Floppers are a clinic in losing. EDGE: MIAMI

Atlanta Falcons at Indianapolis Colts

Falcons are coming off a bye week (a great way to prep to play like a doormat). They can play a lousy game, and they’ll need the perfect one come Sunday against this powerhouse. It won’t be enough. EDGE: DOLTS

Cleveland Brownies at Houston Texans

Brownies have a truly truly Brownie offense, just like they’ve had for years now. They go nowhere all day long. However, they have the BEST pass defense in the league. It will be a struggle, but the Brownies will still pull down the loss. EDGE: CLEVELAND

The GAGUARS, YIKINGS and Carolina all have the week off. Lord, imagine how bad they’re going to play next week!! Holy Keee-rap the Dolts and Gaguars play each other in week 10. Gaguars will be ready for them in a big way, plus Peyton Manning may be back. Dolts in trouble.

aaaAAAAAAAAAA That's The View from the BASEMENT!