An Idle Brain is the Doormat’s Playground!
The Indianapolis Colts did not play yesterday. Please call this number, (800) 805-2658 to try out for QB. Or RT. Or DB. Your choice. Operators are standing by.
San Francisco 49ers 23, Arizona Cardinals 7
Having trouble getting your Doormat mojo going? We’ve got the solution for you.
Play the 49ers! The Crudinals were the latest team to get the opportunity to hone their doormat techniques against the guys who cause more bonehead plays than any other team in the league. 5 turnovers, 11 first downs, 1-9 on 3rd down, blown reads, fisticuffs, passes that made me check the roster and make sure that wasn’t Derek Anderson out there, 48 total plays…. Where does coach Ken Whisenhunt find these guys? With 7 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, the Crudinals time of possession was 9:30, and they set a new Doormat World Record, holding the ball for a miniscule 15:44, a good 1:17 better than the previous record, with the number being inflated by garbage time, and a third string quarterback who actually made some decent reads. QB John Skelton (pass rating of 10.1) is headed for the bench, if they have one in the doghouse. The Cardinal offense, which actually ran the ball ok yesterday (but didn’t seem to notice), is basically “Where’s Larry?” 49er defensive coordinator Vic Fangio said before the game “prepare for Skelton? We don’t have to- he just stares down (WR) Larry Fitzgerald on every play.” Ouch! I hadn’t seen a QB throw away more passes to nowhere in particular since….well, just last season, and it was the Crud’s QB. Skelton even got flagged for intentional grounding when he was actually TRYING to throw to a receiver, but it was an impressive 15 yards off target. Carry on, men.
STIFF OF THE WEEK
Seattle Seahawks 24, St. Louis Rams 7
Yes, I know, how can we call a game the Stiff when 4 touchdowns were scored??
To get in 19 punts, you have to start punting on 2nd down. You have to be punting with abandon. You have to have no interest in using good field position. Now, you’d think that, with 19 punts, somebody would eventually call the Blocked Punt run back for a Touchdown play, but..no. The Lambs played their usual bombed-out game, with punching bag Sam Bradford holding onto the ball so long he named it, and hit the turf for 5 sacks, 7 hits, two sack-&-fumbles (ball-y come back!), one of which set up the Seahag’s second TD nicely. Seattle got into doormat rhythm early, starting off the game with TWO interceptions, and the Lambs actually FOUND the end zone on the second one (a 30 yard drive, an immense distance in Lamb measurement- not to be confused with sheep herding). The Lambs are firmly in the chase for the NFC crown, a solid 2-8. Seahags now have 4 wins, which would have been good enough for first last year in the NFC Worst. Now, it’s just good enough for a spot on the sofa in the Basement. Another great Slufgest- you can always count on the Seahags to be part of the party, losers or not.
NON SHOCKING SHOCKER OF THE WEEK!
Miami Dolphins 35, Buffalo Bills 8
8 points?? The Nils are almost back- 5-5 and are getting it done on the road- 4 straight losses away from home. Allmighty Dad called this one. The Floppers are just pulverizing teams, and the Nils are pure Pulver, whatever that is. Nils do not converts a single 3rd down conversion, going 0-12. We refused to take the Nils logo off our mast when they started out on fire, and our wisdom prevails. The Nils started off the game with the dreaded quick field goal, and that was pretty much it. Floppers still just 3-7, but aren’t acting like doormats at all. Nils on the road again next week @ NY Jets. It’s put up or shut up time in the basement.
The REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL
Cleveland Browns 14, Jacksonville Jaguars 10
The Brownies finally scored a touchdown in their own stadium yesterday, going nearly 3 games without a TD. The 2 touchdown explosion in the Dawg Pound was so shocking that the Brownies tried to make up for my blowing yet another FG with 2:50 left in the 4th quarter (actually Phil Dawson is one of the better kickers in the league), and then allowing the Gaguars to get all the way to 1 yard line, where the Gags pulled the final gag, with QB Blaine Gabbert throwing a bullet through the end zone on the final play of the game to seal the loss. Gags still a towering 3 games off the pace at 3-7 in the Doormat, but made yesterday’s loss so painful that it really should count for two.
Oakland Raiders 27, Minnesota Vikings 21
It’s QB Rookie-o-Rama in this league, the the Yiking’s Christian Ponder got a real nice visit from the entire Raider defense yesterday, collaborating for 5 sacks, a fumble, 3 INTs, and an excellent Futile Comeback (you’re getting clobbered and then you make it close, but do not endanger the loss, in the final minutes), which have been few and far between this season. The Raiders tried their usual Penalty Drive, giving the Yikings SEVEN, I say , SEVEN first downs from penalties. 2011 high so far. It didn’t matter. The Yikings are still neck and neck with the Lambs and Pansies for 1st the NFC Doormat at 2-8. It’s gonna be a helluva stretch drive.
Philadelphia Eagles 17, New York Giants 10
The Pheebles. Michael Vick broke some ribs. Vince Young (Michael Vick Lite), came in and did his best impression with three INTs, but it was not enough. Pheebles defense plays inspired, and Eli Manning hits the fake grass-like material all day. Andy Reid saves his job for another week.
Detroit Lions 49, Carolina Panthers 35
Pansies are, yet again, in another wild one, most entertaining game played yesterday, but still chalk up the “L,” and I gotta say, I really haven’t seen anything quite like this team. It doesn’t really matter how many points the Pansies score, the other will score more. It is written. Except for next week, when the Pansies pull into Indianapolis for a quiet game being held for a select audience of masochists. Be there or be somewhere else better for your health. Odessa, Texas comes to mind.
Chicago Bears 31 San Diego Chargers 20
So, who is the better one-man wrecking crew? Philip Rivers or Michael Vick?
It’s really close, but today I gotta go with Rivers, because he manages to look like a real pain in the ass to play with, showing up his teammates on the field, throwing a lot of bluff on the sidelines, jawing with his coach, and laser-beaming game killing INTs on a regular basis. This guy pulls into first this week. Doormat All-Star of the Week. The…21% introductory Rate Chargers (yes, their name really is related to credit cards) fall to 4-6 and look like they could lose a raft of games to end the season. Bears lose Jay Cutler, who played with a broken hand for the whole game. Does that make up for his weenie act in last year’s playoffs?
Dallas Cowboys 27 Washington Redskins 24 (OT)
Deadskins take it to OT, playing their best game of their 6 game slide, but the slide continues, and next week they’re playing Stiff of the Week monsters Seattle over there in Cloud City, so the adrenaline of the rivalry is all gone now, and it’s back to just plain lousy football. Deadskins still in the race at 3-7. Prognosticator Allmighty Dad called this score exactly.
Kansas City at New England
The Cheaps should make us proud.
Even without the Cheaps final stats, here are
This Week’s NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11:
Points: 3 Cheaps
First downs 11 Buncos, Crudinals
Yards 185 Lambs (a measly 15 yards per possession!!)
Rushing 41 Nils (2.1 yards per rush)
Passing 104 Buncos
Turnovers 5 Yikings, Crudinals
3rd down con 0-12 Nils
sacks 5 Yikings, Lambs
punts 10 Lambs (ties record)
penalties 13-100 Seahags (Raiders still get more yards-117)
passer rating 10 Crudinals
time of poss: 15:44 Crudinals
Pansies made it a real cat fight with the Kittens in the Kat Box. Fur was flying all day as were the footballs. I had to follow the game on "Game Day" and could not see it. Too bad. It was probably the best game of the year for any doormat team. I thought the Pansies were going to win, but in the end, they out-doormatted the Kittens and got the loss. Cam Newton has got to be totally mystified. How can they keep losing with him not cooperating? He is just not serious about being a doormat.
ReplyDeletehe really reminds me of Michael Jordan when he started with Chicago- playing out of his head, and still losing. Pansy defense must be just the most porous bad-read slow response midget safety no-tackle defense that they had last year. They'll kill the Dolts next week. Manning isn't back yet, is he?
ReplyDeleteGreat wrapup Wacko! NFC is looking like the strongest Doormat conference now. Three teams at 2-8 and two more at 3-7. I know the Colts look tough at 0-10, but the rest of the conference is just not losing like they could, even the the Chiefs may shine down the stretch and wind up 4-12. Floppers might win the next 4!
ReplyDeleteI laughed all the way through this one. It's almost like being in all the stadiums...or, even, in the huddle! Of course, I was most surprised to find out that, not only, do the prognostications get looked at, but they are reviewed after the fact to determine if anyone nailed the score right on the money. I have no recollection of making that prediction, but I like seeing my name in the wrap up! Whoohoo!!
ReplyDeleteyou guys made some good calls this last week. I was a fool to predict the Rams would win- they just are NOT going to win 3 in a row. not going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI think the Floppers will pull this out. The Pies can choke with the best of them, and they are due for a plunge on their roller coaster.
ReplyDeleteFlops - 20
Pies - 17