History Suggests Eagles Will Have to Bring House to Lose This One

Eagles are 4-2 against the Chiefs and beat them 34-14 in their last meeting in 2009

It was one of the best swan dives in history as the Eagles made their run to the Doormat Bowl, but oddsmakers in Athens are putting their money on Kansas City to get the big "L" in this year's match up.

"Eagles will have to bring the house to lose this one," said Jimmy the Greek through an interpreter at the Oracle of Delphi. Jimmy has been dead for over 20 years. "But that don't make no difference," he said. "I still say the Chiefs will never win this game."

Other living experts agree.

The Eagles are 4-2 overall against the Chiefs, and they blew a perfect opportunity to lose to Kansas City in 2009, but bad offensive calls on the field resulted ina 34-14 win over the stumbling Chiefs. "You don't score 5 touchdowns and plan to lose," a Philly fan who asked to remain anonymous said.

The Eagles averaged 17.5 points and over 354 yards of offense per game in 2012. On the other side of the ball they gave up 27.8 points and 343.2 yards and were ranked 29th in defense. Michael Vick and Nick Foles combined for a 79 passer rating. Overall, the Eagles were 29th in the NFL in offense, though ranked 15th in total yards. The lesson here? They move the ball but never put together more than two first downs at a time.

The Chiefs, on the other hand, managed just 13.2 points and 319 yards per game while giving up 26.6 points and over 356.5 yards--the vast majority of them in passing--per game. Defense was ranked 25th and offense was at the very bottom of the NFL. Matt Cassel had a passer rating of 66.7 and Brady Quin 60.1. One bright light, Jamaal Charles rushed for 1,509 yards and 5 TDs, almost all of them without a single block. The lesson here? Turnovers. Chiefs excelled in the fumble and TD or pick 6 plays. And the bend but don't break defense was mostly bend over defense.

It may be close, but Vegas is giving KC 8-1 odds to lose with a 9 point spread (but Charles will run for over 100 yards).

What do you think? Gentlemen, weigh in on this exciting, crucial, final contest of the worst of the NFL in 2012.

Doormat Commissioner Reverses Trade, Fines Owner

In a surprising and stern rebuke, the Doormat Commisioner announced today that he will nullify the midseason trade by team owners Walkfish and Wackoworld of the Tampa Bay Bootineers and the Detroit Kittens.

"This was a back door team swap and against Doormat Division rules," the commissioner said. "This isn't the U.S. Congress--no smoke filled rooms except in the man cave on gameday--and in this Disivision, when we lose, we lose fair and square."

The decision changes the season records for the owners, giving Wackoworld the worst record (an admirable 6-26) and therefore the 2012 Doormat Division Moldy Carpet trophy.

"It feels good to finally have this settled," Wackoworld said. "The rules have prevailed. Wish I could say the same for Congress. The Moldy Carpet will look good over the bar."

At issue was a midseason team swap that sent the Kittens to Walkfish and the Bootineers to Wackoworld. The Kittens promptly went on an eight game losing streak. The Commissioner determined that the rules require a team to be released by an owner first and then the next eligible owner has the right to pick up the team. A straight swap in private without releasing teams or publicly alerting the other owners is not allowed.

"Yeah, that was against the rules," Walkfish said in a phone interview from Athens, Greece, where he is helping with preparations for the Doormat Bowl. "But I looked up the word 'cheat' on dictionary.com and I really don't think that definition describes me. I broke the rules and that helped me lose more games, but I wasn't cheating. I was just breaking the rules."

When asked why he gets to win the Moldy Carpet when he was part of the trade, Wackoworld said, "I didn't even know there was a trade. We just emailed about it and then it just kinda happened. I dunno, there was a lot of Ranier beer going around at the time."

Besides losing the Moldy Carpet, Walkfish will be penalized in next season's team draft and will go last (sixth seed). He is also barred from owning the Lions for one season and he can't sit on the barcalounger during games.

Next year the Commissioner said there will be written rules that everybody will have read.

The Comissioner's decision will have no effect on the Doormat Bowl between Philadelphia and Kansas City in Athens, Greece on Feb. 4. Game preparations are underway and both teams have been practicing by swimming with Dolphins in the Mediterranean and drinking Ouzo with buxom Greek women with dark curly hair and a lot of attitude.

"If we can get the teams sober in time, and no paternity suits, it should be a great game," the Commissioner said.

Cheeps and Pheebles Bound for Glory in Athens

An amazing season has ended, with two of the worst teams we have seen in a very long time, the Philadephia Pheebles and the Kansas City Cheeps, locked and definitely very loaded for Doormat Bowl 2013 to be played in Olympic Stadium in ancient and magical Athens, Greece on February 4, the day after the Super Bowl.

Why Athens? Well, it was available. There was supposed to be a mock sea battle there on February 5  with replica ancient Greek ships sailing in a lake of olive oil in the center of the stadium, but a Greek worker on a break accidentally set the oil on fire with his cigar and burned the entire fleet during a practice. So the stadium is now available, though the field is a little slippery.

"Of course we welcome Amerikans to play Amerikan football here," said Likos Malachikos, mayor of Athens. "Greeks invented football. In fact, the word football comes from the Greek word Ped, which means foot, and Americans pronounce it Foot, and ball comes from Greek, "Balk" which means to shove into the ground and make to eat grass. An old shepherd's game from the days of Pericles."

Malachikos added that the average Athenian appreciates a good party when they should be at work, so Monday afternoon should be a great time for the game and the stadium should be full. "Not much else to do around here on a Monday," he said, "Unless you like to work."

"We are looking forward to playing in front of 100,000 Greeks drinking Ouzo and picking up seats with their teeth," said NFL Commissioner Roger Godell. "Greeks love a party and rarely give a damn what is happening on the field. That should work out well for these two miserable teams. Thank God we don't have to watch."

And speaking of Greeks, we will provide a full pre game analysis in the coming week. But for now, we will pay homage to Jimmy the Greek, one Greek who did know his football but not how to keep his mouth shut or at least his opinions to himself.

Jimmy Snyder was bounced from picking winners when he made some racists comments we won't repeat here. However, we bring him out of the tomb here  to make a prediction for the Doormat Bowl.

Kansas City-- 36
Philadelphia-- 32

Unless Chip Kelly is allowed to coach for the Doormat Bowl, then Jimmy is picking Pheebles by 2.

And that's the view from Athens right now.

Doormats May Crash Party in Playoffs

OK, they are not Doormat Division teams now, but they sure as heck were in the very recent past. The Vikes had a seat at the couch in Week 3 of this season. Sheesh. And how about the Dolts? 2-14 to 11-5? Remember, they played in the Doormat Bowl in Russia last February.

So it's still time for a few predictions:

Cincinnati- 36
Houston- 12

Houston gets a head start on the Doormat Division next year and is one and done in the playoffs against a perennial Doormat that has suddenly found a way to win games. Go Bungles! We love it when our Doormats win.

Minnesota- 28
Green Bay- 31 (OT)

The Yikings have to beat the Pack two weeks in a row. They almost do, but not quite enough gas to get it done. Congrats, guys! You got out of the Basement this year (but we will save you a stool and a warm PBR at the bar).

Indianapolis- 24
Ravens- 21

Andrew Luck has not been playing long enough to understand that he is supposed to lose. Dolts, the darling of the Doormat Division last year, beat the Ravens, a team that keeps falling down in the playoffs. Flacco has made the playoffs more consecutive times than any other quarterback, but no Super Bowl. Hm, kinda sounding like a guy who used to play for the Pheebles. I think he liked canned soup.

Seattle- 33
Washington- 38

Wow, what a shootout, and between two teams that really stunk just a few years back. What a change. Now, the Seahags will probably win, all the odds are in their favor, but the frozen turkey picked the Deadskins. Go Skins!

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!