WEEK 15 REPORT: Turn off Your Mind, Relax and Float downstream. And Fumble.

BROWNS REACH NEW LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS!

49ers ACHIEVE HISTORIC LEVELS OF...OF...

BEARS DO IT AGAIN!

JAGS TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE WORST!

VIKINGS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! WITH A HAMMER!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      0-14
Jacksonville -   2-12
NY Jets -          4-10
San Diego -      5-9
Cincinnati -       5-8-1


NFC
San Francisco - 1-13
Chicago -           3-11
Los Angeles -     4-10
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-9

Arizona               5-8-1

THE GAMES

BROWNS 13, BILLS 33
The Browns haven't had a lead since 7-6 at halftime of the Nov. 10th game vs. the Ravens.  They're 3-27 over the last two years. They knew the Bills were going to run the ball yesterday, and, sure enough the Bills ran the ball...280 yards of it for a 7.0 per run average.
The Browns opened the game with a 12-yard run for a first down- which was nullified by a holding penalty.  Welp!  Time to hit the tailgate out in the parking lot! I'll refill the cooler! Please don't text me. 

The Brownies are in the Blank Zone. The Blank Helmet Zone. They are, literally, The Blanks. They are free of hindrances, the way ahead is open, I can hear a parade of sorts: a grimy, kicked to the curb kind of parade, I hear car horns and smell fumes and a barrel of tallow behind the dumpster in back the greasy spoon serving Brownie Bake Sale items.  Bring back Chomps. Somebody go to the Dawg Pound and find something, anything, to take to an off-leash area (say, the 45-yard line) and see if something happens. But bring your plastic bags.
Next loss: at San Diego.  Well, at least they'll get warm. 

49ERS 13, ATLANTA 41,OOO
Has anybody noticed that the Falcons are kinda doing a Doormat Blow-Out Tour?  This game coulda been a 600 yard, 60 point affair. Whiners hit milestone...and had to be carted off the field. They are now not only the losing-est team in 49er history (and there's been some lulus), they also have given up more yards than any 49er ever ever ever. 38 years kind of ever. Yesterday's 500 Falcon yards put them well over the top. But it wasn't called a Falcon 500. It was a Galaxy 500.

As usual, the Whines were kind of playing football for the first half, and then did not play football for the 2nd half (yet there was a game going on!), scoring zero points and amassing 4 first downs. That's grit. Like sand in your hot dog in the dark by the smoky fire at the beach grit. They are nothing if not consistent, and, they are also nothing. The Yin and Yang of their losing perhaps surpasses the Browns.  But the Browns still have the big zero, so shut up.

JAGS 20, TEXANS 21
I really do wish someone had the nerves to beat the Texans. The Jags tried so hard to lose this- only 9 first downs and 12 penalties, I mean that's trying- but there they were, yet again AHEAD (20-10) for no good reason going into the 4th quarter.  The Gaguar offense punted mercilessly for the entire second half, thwarted only by an errant kick-off return for a touchdown that put the whole thing in jeopardy.  But the non-offense pulled it off, and the defense got tired and there was no coffee (they also ran out of cups, but that's actually a different subject).   Jags right behind the Whines and Blanks at 2-12. 

LAMBS 3, SEAHAWKS 24
Yes, I know this was on Thursday, which is like an ice age ago in football, but I just want to point out that the Lambs keep scoring less and less points and are still under 200 (197) points scored for the year.  Wouldn't that be something if they could hold it there?  It would be a fitting tribute to fired coach Jeff Fisher, the only 'mercy firing' I've ever seen in my entire life. Or maybe he went in there and begged to get fired to avoid becoming the losing-est-est coach of all time.  I dunno.  They should have had this one still count on his watch.  Just to give him something to remember his time in the NFL by.  Bye-bye Jeff!  The Doormat was your friend.  No, you can't come in.  I said "WAS."

VIKINGS 6, COLTS 26
The Colts need to play the Vikings every week.  They'd be in the Super Bowl.  Everybody'd be in the Super Bowl.  It'd be like a Super Bowl Smorgasborg, with all the drinks poured into Viking horns. The busboys are all named Thor. 

The Yikings first 6 possessions yesterday: Punt, Punt, Punt, Fumble, Interception, Fumble.  It would have been nice if they'd mixed up the punts and turnovers, but you can't argue with that score. Don't argue with guys named Thor, either.  Even though in Sweden every 3rd guy is named Thor.  It's how the Scandinavians have gotten along so well.

BEARS 27, PACKERS 30
No matter what it takes, no matter how tantalizingly close the score may be, put you money on the Bears.  They did it AGAIN, making it even more insanely close with the Pack kicking a field goal with :00 on the clock. This after the Bears tied it with 1:19.  How DO they do it?
Man, wow.  I notice Matt Barkley has the triple-interception thing going now, so Jay Cutler can relax.

OK I gotta make Doormat Christmas Cards, all with that special Doormat Scent!  

AAAaaaaAANd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND DROP KICK INTO FOOTBALL SPACE

Doormat Division Week 7 Standings

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           0-6          87-132

NY Giants            1-6          103-209
Minnesota            1-5          125-158

Washington          2-4          152-184

Atlanta                2-4          153-157

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         0-7           76-222

Houston               2-5         122-194

Raiders                2-4         105-132

Pittsburgh           2-4          107-132

Cleveland            3-4         131-156

GAME OF THE WEEK

VIKINGS 7, GIANTS 23

That's a 'gotcha' smirk in purple if I ever saw one

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY-  MNF hosted the biggest Doormat game of the year last night, turning off televisions all over the globe and saving untold millions in energy bills.  5% of these savings will go into the Leslie Frazier employment fund.

But let’s hope the Vikings coach (Mr. Frazier) gets to finish out the year, because last night was the unveiling of a new genius in the Doormat Division. 

Coming into the week at 1-4 and facing the perfect NY Gnats (0-6), Frazier pulls out all the stops to lose the game.  Unsatisfied with Matt Cassell’s smooth mediocrity,  and keeping Christian Ponder in the dog house (he’s healthy), Frazier does the only thing a team that wants the Moldy Carpet in 2013 should do.  He grabs the flashiest Doormat QB available, Josh Freeman, off the waiver wire like he’s the second coming of Carson Palmer, gives him $2 million dollars to wear some purple, and, with zero prep and about a fingernail’s worth of plays, sends Josh out onto the field in the New Jersey night to captain an already faltering team to Doormat glory.

And the results speak for themselves.  Zero offensive touchdowns,  overthrown balls all night, and 5 first downs early in the 4^th quarter (before ‘desperate garbage’ time) against one of the worst teams in the league.  No more of this weak Matt Cassell missed passes.  With Josh Freeman and complete lack of chemistry with your receivers, you can MISS BIG.  The Gnats punted nine times, really trying to set up the Vikes for something, ANYTHING, but fat chance. 

The Vikings showed the same look on defense on every single play in the game.  That makes it a tough read for Eli Manning, because it CAN’T REALLY BE THE SAME LOOK EVERY TIME, right?  Well, it was.

Faced with this kind of incredibly organized determination, the Gnats cannot make it to 0-7, and are forced to admit, that, at least for one night, the Minnesota Yikings are the worst team in the NFC. 

Yikings Creed:  Carefully Calculated Confusion

LOSING IN THREES

Before last night, Tampa, NY and Jacksonville were winless.  The last time 3 teams made it to week 8 with zero wins was just two years back, in 2011-  the Colts, Dolphins and Rams.  In 1985 (Bucs, Falcs, Bills) and 1997 (Bears, Colts, Falcs) 3 teams made it to week 7.  So, they did not break the record.  Someday 3 teams will make it to Week 9.  Perhaps in our lifetimes, should we be so lucky.

Special thanks to Andrew McKillop of footballgeography.com for sleuthing out those results.  His site is full of amusing and interesting stats. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

There were SIX defensive touchdowns this weekend.  SIX.  3 of them were the opening scores in their respective games. 

JAGUARS 6,  CHARGERS 24

Another footballgeography stat:  the Gaguars have never been the last team standing with no wins during a regular season.  They’ve got to hang on and hope somebody, somewhere can lose to the Bucs.  The Gags are certainly doing their part, skipping the touchdown thing yesterday, chipping in a couple field goals, and conserving energy for the long plane ride to London in next week’s  British Banger Doormat Beat Down game against the 49ers. 

The Jags pull their point average down to 10.8 after last week’s 19-point explosion, keeping hope alive that they can be worse than the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccanneers (8.9 per game).   Live the dream.  Follow your bliss.  But be sure it’s not a concussion first.

BUCCANEERS 23,  FALCONS 31

The Bucs opened this game with a fumble-TD gift to the Falcons, setting the tone.  The Falcons keep it close, but the usual juicy 4^th quarter opportunities are eschewed by the Bootineers, who resort to the kicking game to keep points down and victory at a distance. Tampa keeps their record spotless (0-6), and have a big game against the Tennessee Yo-Yos this Thursday. 

STEELERS 19, RAVENS 16

The Shower Curtain kicks 4 field goals and score one TD.  It’s too much, and the Reelers win another one.  How did they do it?  How about this:  early in the 4^th quarter, the Ravens kick a field goal to pull within 13-9.  Unsatisfied with the Steeler’s lack of an offense, and the eminent return of the ball in few plays via a punt, the Ravens pull an onside kick, giving the Steelers the ball at the Ravens 43.  Sure enough, the Reelers stumble to a first down and scrape the spheroid over the goalposts and lead by a touchdown, 16-9. This way the Ravens can only tie it, and then set the Steelers up for a game-ending field goal to send Pittsburgh reeling to a two game deficit in the Moldy Carpet standings.   Whew!

TEXANS 16,  CHIEFS 17

This game was close, but it wasn’t exciting, except for Alex Smith’s phantom hand-off that turned into a quarterback draw that turned into a TD, as the Texan defense stood mesmerized by a guy standing there, facing the wrong way, with the ball just dangling in space.  Texans barely lose, despite only 14 first downs. 

BROWNS 13,  PACKERS 31

One of our few ‘invert score’ games this year,  the Brownies are back in gear, losing 2 straight, a cosy 3-4, and the bum’s rush defense of KC waiting for them at Arrowhead this Sunday. 

RAMS 15,  PANTHERS 30

Hey.  Let’s not be hasty and go forgetting about the Rams.  Now 3-4, and rolling out 5 points in the first half, the Lambs are showing some of their old flair.  3 turnovers,  15 first downs, and some revolving QBs.  They’ve dispensed with having a running game, and pulled off a pick-six on the first play of the game.  Yow!  Feels like old times!

DOLPHINS 21, BILLS 23

Another game opens with a return for a TD, with the Dolphins making the first move.  Despite scoring only 1 offensive TD, punting 7 times, and doing just about everything to get beat, the Bills win.  The Flops did it when it counted- with QB Ryan Tannehill capping off his 3-turnover day with a marvel of a fumble at his own 34 with only 2:48 left in the game, and the Bills trailing by a point.   The Bills scrape down to the Miami 13 and even they can’t miss that.  Bills WIN!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s The VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 11 Warp Up and Cosmic Dust

An Idle Brain is the Doormat’s Playground!

The Indianapolis Colts did not play yesterday. Please call this number, (800) 805-2658 to try out for QB. Or RT. Or DB. Your choice. Operators are standing by.

WORST BEST WORST TEAM OF THE DAY

San Francisco 49ers 23, Arizona Cardinals 7

Having trouble getting your Doormat mojo going? We’ve got the solution for you.

Play the 49ers! The Crudinals were the latest team to get the opportunity to hone their doormat techniques against the guys who cause more bonehead plays than any other team in the league. 5 turnovers, 11 first downs, 1-9 on 3^rd down, blown reads, fisticuffs, passes that made me check the roster and make sure that wasn’t Derek Anderson out there, 48 total plays…. Where does coach Ken Whisenhunt find these guys? With 7 minutes left in the 3^rd quarter, the Crudinals time of possession was 9:30, and they set a new Doormat World Record, holding the ball for a miniscule 15:44, a good 1:17 better than the previous record, with the number being inflated by garbage time, and a third string quarterback who actually made some decent reads. QB John Skelton (pass rating of 10.1) is headed for the bench, if they have one in the doghouse. The Cardinal offense, which actually ran the ball ok yesterday (but didn’t seem to notice), is basically “Where’s Larry?” 49er defensive coordinator Vic Fangio said before the game “prepare for Skelton? We don’t have to- he just stares down (WR) Larry Fitzgerald on every play.” Ouch! I hadn’t seen a QB throw away more passes to nowhere in particular since….well, just last season, and it was the Crud’s QB. Skelton even got flagged for intentional grounding when he was actually TRYING to throw to a receiver, but it was an impressive 15 yards off target. Carry on, men.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Seattle Seahawks 24, St. Louis Rams 7

Yes, I know, how can we call a game the Stiff when 4 touchdowns were scored??

Because these guys got off a world record 19 punts, with the fabulous St.Louis Lambs completely outdoing themselves with a season high 10.

To get in 19 punts, you have to start punting on 2^nd down. You have to be punting with abandon. You have to have no interest in using good field position. Now, you’d think that, with 19 punts, somebody would eventually call the Blocked Punt run back for a Touchdown play, but..no. The Lambs played their usual bombed-out game, with punching bag Sam Bradford holding onto the ball so long he named it, and hit the turf for 5 sacks, 7 hits, two sack-&-fumbles (ball-y come back!), one of which set up the Seahag’s second TD nicely. Seattle got into doormat rhythm early, starting off the game with TWO interceptions, and the Lambs actually FOUND the end zone on the second one (a 30 yard drive, an immense distance in Lamb measurement- not to be confused with sheep herding). The Lambs are firmly in the chase for the NFC crown, a solid 2-8. Seahags now have 4 wins, which would have been good enough for first last year in the NFC Worst. Now, it’s just good enough for a spot on the sofa in the Basement. Another great Slufgest- you can always count on the Seahags to be part of the party, losers or not.

NON SHOCKING SHOCKER OF THE WEEK!

Miami Dolphins 35, Buffalo Bills 8

8 points?? The Nils are almost back- 5-5 and are getting it done on the road- 4 straight losses away from home. Allmighty Dad called this one. The Floppers are just pulverizing teams, and the Nils are pure Pulver, whatever that is. Nils do not converts a single 3^rd down conversion, going 0-12. We refused to take the Nils logo off our mast when they started out on fire, and our wisdom prevails. The Nils started off the game with the dreaded quick field goal, and that was pretty much it. Floppers still just 3-7, but aren’t acting like doormats at all. Nils on the road again next week @ NY Jets. It’s put up or shut up time in the basement.

The REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Cleveland Browns 14, Jacksonville Jaguars 10

The Brownies finally scored a touchdown in their own stadium yesterday, going nearly 3 games without a TD. The 2 touchdown explosion in the Dawg Pound was so shocking that the Brownies tried to make up for my blowing yet another FG with 2:50 left in the 4^th quarter (actually Phil Dawson is one of the better kickers in the league), and then allowing the Gaguars to get all the way to 1 yard line, where the Gags pulled the final gag, with QB Blaine Gabbert throwing a bullet through the end zone on the final play of the game to seal the loss. Gags still a towering 3 games off the pace at 3-7 in the Doormat, but made yesterday’s loss so painful that it really should count for two.

Oakland Raiders 27, Minnesota Vikings 21

It’s QB Rookie-o-Rama in this league, the the Yiking’s Christian Ponder got a real nice visit from the entire Raider defense yesterday, collaborating for 5 sacks, a fumble, 3 INTs, and an excellent Futile Comeback (you’re getting clobbered and then you make it close, but do not endanger the loss, in the final minutes), which have been few and far between this season. The Raiders tried their usual Penalty Drive, giving the Yikings SEVEN, I say , SEVEN first downs from penalties. 2011 high so far. It didn’t matter. The Yikings are still neck and neck with the Lambs and Pansies for 1^st the NFC Doormat at 2-8. It’s gonna be a helluva stretch drive.

Philadelphia Eagles 17, New York Giants 10

The Pheebles. Michael Vick broke some ribs. Vince Young (Michael Vick Lite), came in and did his best impression with three INTs, but it was not enough. Pheebles defense plays inspired, and Eli Manning hits the fake grass-like material all day. Andy Reid saves his job for another week.

Detroit Lions 49, Carolina Panthers 35

Pansies are, yet again, in another wild one, most entertaining game played yesterday, but still chalk up the “L,” and I gotta say, I really haven’t seen anything quite like this team. It doesn’t really matter how many points the Pansies score, the other will score more. It is written. Except for next week, when the Pansies pull into Indianapolis for a quiet game being held for a select audience of masochists. Be there or be somewhere else better for your health. Odessa, Texas comes to mind.

Chicago Bears 31 San Diego Chargers 20

So, who is the better one-man wrecking crew? Philip Rivers or Michael Vick?

It’s really close, but today I gotta go with Rivers, because he manages to look like a real pain in the ass to play with, showing up his teammates on the field, throwing a lot of bluff on the sidelines, jawing with his coach, and laser-beaming game killing INTs on a regular basis. This guy pulls into first this week. Doormat All-Star of the Week. The…21% introductory Rate Chargers (yes, their name really is related to credit cards) fall to 4-6 and look like they could lose a raft of games to end the season. Bears lose Jay Cutler, who played with a broken hand for the whole game. Does that make up for his weenie act in last year’s playoffs?

Dallas Cowboys 27 Washington Redskins 24 (OT)

Deadskins take it to OT, playing their best game of their 6 game slide, but the slide continues, and next week they’re playing Stiff of the Week monsters Seattle over there in Cloud City, so the adrenaline of the rivalry is all gone now, and it’s back to just plain lousy football. Deadskins still in the race at 3-7. Prognosticator Allmighty Dad called this score exactly.

Kansas City at New England

The Cheaps should make us proud.

Even without the Cheaps final stats, here are

This Week’s NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11:

Points: 3 Cheaps

First downs 11 Buncos, Crudinals

Yards 185 Lambs (a measly 15 yards per possession!!)

Rushing 41 Nils (2.1 yards per rush)

Passing 104 Buncos

Turnovers 5 Yikings, Crudinals

3^rd down con 0-12 Nils

sacks 5 Yikings, Lambs

punts 10 Lambs (ties record)

penalties 13-100 Seahags (Raiders still get more yards-117)

passer rating 10 Crudinals

time of poss: 15:44 Crudinals

Yikes and Away!!

Packers 45, Vikings 7

The Minnehaha Yikings lost the coin toss. The Packers, thinking ahead, kicked first. 3 Plays later, the Yikes punted to #18, there, and Randall Cobb runs past 11 guys in purple and scores without the vaunted Packer offense even going on the field. Game over. Yikings DO score a touchdown, but only after the Packers muff a punt at their own 15. Yikings able to row in from there, safely buried on the scoreboard. It is not without precedent, but the Yikes elected to not run the other way. That only works when you are on defense and you have an excuse for not knowing which way you are going...you're a defensive player, how are you supposed to know where the ball is going?

Hairstyles may be getting adventurous, but which division has the most teams that have not changed their unis in ages? The Packers are the last team in the NFC North division now to not have done at least an iota of change. Yikings have the Nike pants now, the Bears wear orange jerseys sometimes (wow), and the Lions blue color seems to be fading just a tad every year. Anybody got that stat?

Yoiks and away, indeed.

THE DOORMAT SHUFFLE: Fallout from NFL WEEK SIX

Doormat QB Shuffle!!

Sure enough, Week Six has started the general landslide, where the pride of the basement decide that changing quarterbacks will solve their problem…uh-huh.

Always start by cutting off the head, that way when you’re running around the field like a chicken with it’s head cut off, it’s natural. And, it’s easier to change the QB than the entire front line- besides, there isn’t enough room on the bench for those guys.

DEADSKINS!! Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan throws Rex Grossman into the doghouse (though it was nearly intercepted) and elevates eternal journeyman John Beck to the starting position. Never heard of John Beck? That’s perfect. He hadn’t played a down since 2005 for Miami until last Sunday, when Grossman finally just went super Doormat All-Star. Now Rex has little chance of leading the league in INTs, and we’re sorry about that. He was on fire.

Based on 5 games he started in 2005 for the Dullfins, Beck’s INT-TD Ratio is 3-1, so he should pick right up where Rex left off. It’s nice to have choices.

YIKINGS! Minnesota Vikings QB Donovan McNabb is replaced by Tomahawk Choppin’ (FSU) QB Christian Ponder. McNabb was nearly at the bottom of the stats in just about every category, so might as well let a rookie get in there and find out just how fast those linebackers and defensive ends are. Yikings look like they are really jumping into the abyss. How much worse could it get? We’ll find out. If the Minnesota fans start doing the chop, I will disown them. I will burn my purple pants.

DONKEYS!! Speaking of Florida, Tim Tebow gets the start over Kyle Orton for Denver this Sunday in Miami. The Dolphins have sold 10,000 tickets since finding out TT will be starting. Donkeys have home field advantage and will win. Floppers will not be making QB change because they have run out of QBs. There will be no QB. Same with Denver.

LAMBS! Sam Bradford is hurt. Probably in about 14 places. The man who hits the turf more often than anybody in the league, and with more force, takes a breather and Ultra-Journeyman AJ Feeley will…run for his life all day in Dallas. Condolence cards or wreaths should be sent to : 1 Rams Way, St. Louis MO 63044

BUNGLES!!!!! Non-QB Carson Palmer finally gets off his butt (and off our sofa) and gets traded to the Oakland Raiders. I can never figure out if Palmer is really great, or just the guy who commits the worst mistakes at the worst time. The Cincinatti Bengals are just about the most baffling team in the NFL, and Palmer figured that out and wanted off the roller coaster. I can’t think of another team that goes, since 2000, 4-12, 6-10, 2-14, 8-8, 8-8, 11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11, 10-6, 4-12. That’s not football. That’s a yo-yo. The rustiest man in sports goes under center this Sunday in Oakland against the cheaps. Be there.

SEAHAGS!!!

Oh, who cares who is QB for these guys? Have another coffee.

The Doormat Division: NFL WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION 2011: NFL WEEK SIX

Week Six is the big one. Ever since we set up the basement- threw down the ‘green’ shag carpet, hauled in the orange Duct Tape couch, plugged in the Zenith, and flickered on the Rainer neon- we’ve learned that week six is one of the crucial weeks in the NFL. Desperate teams either come out swinging, or lie down like Lambs. Early season surprises meet in high energy pit fights to claim supremacy, or suddenly don’t look so hot. The really good teams start to just crush people, and the season is sealed for a LOT of members of the basement. Notice how 4 Doormats had the week off? Wonder how much cash it took to buy off the NFL schedule pimps and skip #6. It’s your last chance to turn it around for this season.

Who’s Not A Doormat?

49ers 25, Lions 19

Why am I even covering this game? Because these teams have both come stormin’ out of the basement, both of them improbable (49ers the most), and it’s our ex-doormats duking it out for bragging rights to hottest turn-around and Division leads. Good Grief!!

In a jaw dropping perfect imitation of a classic Raiders game, the Niners commit 15 penalties (tying the Raiders for this year’s high) for 120 yards, punt NINE times, get only 14 first downs, get a couple of huge plays at the crucial moment, play smash mouth defense, and unbelievably win the game in the final minutes at the Kat Box. It wasn’t pretty. What else to expect from two just recent ex-doormats? They wanted to kill each other. They still do.

The Lions and Niners linemen are going to need 2 weeks to recover from this game. Niners get it. On at least two occasions, everybody on the line made impact at the same time and stood each other up, like a freeze frame. You almost never see that. WHAM!

With the Detroit fans going bonkers, the 49ers come out stumbling on offense, but are insane on defense. Matthew Stafford looks like his old self, falling backward, getting canned, and throwing sidearm to the general area of Chris Johnson.

The Niners run Frank Gore RIGHT AT Ndamukong Suh, and it works like crazy.

OK, so the Lions aren’t going to go 16-0. They aren’t going 5-11 either. So improbable are the Niners at 5-1, that coach Jim Harbaugh gave Detroit coach Jim Schwartz a forearm shiver and a kick in the nuts at the traditional post game hand shake. OK, it wasn’t that bad, but Schwartz came back at him, players had to separate them, and they sorta made up in the tunnel to the locker room. But not really. If these teams make it to the playoffs, a rematch will be off the hook.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK!

BEARS 39, VIKINGS 10

The Yikings started the season with an All-Star 4 Come From Ahead losses, then really honestly tried and won a game, and then hit the Barcalounger. Whew! At some point you realize you better focus on the little things. Like 15 first downs, 53 yards rushing, 1-3 in the red zone, 0-2 on 4^th down, and start a game with 2 punts and a safety. All of those things are little, small, tiny things. Yikes are 1-5 and host the Packers next week. Yikes!

Packers 24, Rams 3

The Lambs pile up 424 useless yards, QB Sam Bradford attempts to pull into a tie for most interceptions (7) with a nifty goal-line INT, and the Lambs go 0-3 in the red zone.

Lambs defense opens up some extra lanes to improve traffic flow, and Aaron Rodgers drives the bus through for 21 second quarter points. Game over. Bradford gets 3 more sacks to pad his league-leading 22. Lambs definitely the inside fave to win it all in the Doormat NFC. But don’t count out the Pansies just yet.

THAT SINKING FEELING

Falcons 31, Panthers 17

The Carolina Pansies- last year’s Moldy Carpet Trophy winners, are starting to settle in.

Cam Newton is getting the hang of it- try to win the game all by yourself and think you can throw a pass through a hole even a mouse wouldn’t attempt. 3 interceptions for Cam, and a Doormat worthy passer rating on the day of 44.6. Welcome to the club, Cam. I’m not taking down the Pansy wallpaper in the basement now. Pansies 1-5 and host the Deadskins next week.

Steelers 17 Jaguars 13

STIFF OF THE WEEK! Gaguars punt 7 times, amass 76 yards passing, play terrible and still have a shot to beat the slowly disintegrating Pittsburgh Steelers. Ha! Gaguars watch their season sink into the Allegheny river, never to be seen again. Time to go for worst.

Don’t fire Del Rio now, you guys are starting to look good in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Go for it. Gaguars are 1-5, but still not last in the AFC South, because…

Bengals 27, Colts 17

Give up now, Dorothy. Peyton Manning is your brain, and you don’t have it. The Colts stage this season’s first really good Futile Comeback, pulling within 3 points with 9 minutes to go, but remember who they are and go with the perfect fumble on the carpet with 2 minutes to go and the Bungles run it in for the TD and the final nail in the horseshoe.

Colts still without a blemish at 0-6, worst in the NFL. The Bungles are 4-2, people, and get the week off. When do they ever play a team with a winning record again? They may get to be this year’s Mirage team.

Raiders 24, Brownies 17

Sloooooowly, sloooowly the Brownies descend again into the dank dank basement. Raiders lose QB Jason Campbell for the season. Not good. Kyle Boller is not the answer.

Eagles 20 Redskins 13

The Feebles save themselves from Week Six damnation, pulling out a gutsy victory against the ‘resurgent’ Deadskins, and at 2-4 still have a shot at being a football team. Michael Vick still gets in an INT (8), but Deadskin QB Rex Grossman throws FOUR to rocket to 9 on the season and the lead in the interception derby. A spectacular 23.7 rating for the week for Rex, aaand a benching. Wow!

Jets 24 Dolphins 6

Hey..the Floppers are really really putting on a show. True Doormat membership means refusing to be outdone by some other team’s charity. Shining example: The Flops kick a field goal in the first quarter, and recover the muffed kick-off at the Jets 18. Never miss an opportunity to give back – Flops promptly throw INT at the Jets 1, and it goes 99 the other way- touchdown, Jets. You have to love that.

Dolphins end up with more first downs than the Jets, outgain the Jets, and outshoot themselves in the foot more than the Jets- which is really saying something. 2-12 on first down, 3 turnovers, 0-3 in the red zone. Look out DOLTS, the 0-5 Floppers are for real.

The Flaw-fins, the Dull-fins, the Flops host Denver next week, so it’s going to take some Doormat preparation to blow that game. Don’t count the Flops out, ever. They can get the loss anywhere, anytime.

You GOTTA love WEEK SIX!!

NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS

Points: 3 Lambs

TDs: 0 Lambs, Dolphins

First Downs: 13 Jets

Yards: 209 Gaguars

Rush: 42 Deadskins

Pass: 76 Gaguars

3rd down: 1-10 Deadskins (Lions 2-15)

Turnovers: 4 Deadskins, Saints, Pats

Sacked: 5 Gaguars, Yikings, Lions

Punts: 9 Niners

Penalties 15-120 Niners

AAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement..urp.

NFL Doormats Week 5 Predictions

Surely the Philadelphia Eagles will find a way to stay in the air and out of the cellar, but they sure do look like a doormat these days, especially because they have managed to mostly beat themselves like repentent monks slapping their heads with wooden boards with their sins engraved on them ("Fumbled in the Endzone," "Forgot to block anybody").

And this might be a turning point in history for the Eagles (Beagles? Sparrows? Eeekles?) because this week they get to play a team that is storming its way out of the basement, the Buffalo Nils. Can Vick lay a giant Eagle egg and throw for another 400 yards and lose again and look like a loser doing it? Or will the Eagles finally get off the ground and eat a mouse or two? Only an afternoon on the couch with nachos will tell.

And speaking of the couch, it's time to settle down on the old brown sofa with the beer stains, check the schedule, and make this week's NFL Week 5 predictions. No spinning turkey this week. The Oracle is going to be much more scientific. He's checking the odds in Vegas.

Cheaps- 18
Dolts- 21
Yes, the Dolts will finally win a game. If they don't, it's 0-5 and they really will be looking like a dark horse for the Moldy Carpet.

Crudinals- 2
Yikings- 3
Jeeze, I really can't predict this game. How bad can it get? This might be the best game of the week for the Doormat Division. Seriously, Yikes lose.

Seahags- 14
Giants- 36

Saints- 36
Pansies- 17

Bungles- 28
Gaguars- 31

Bolts- 21
Buncos- 10

And one other game this week, the Jets (Zepplins?) and the Patsies, this should be the top game of the week, in a perfect network NFL world, but these guys are both smelling a little ripe this year. I think these teams are starting to turn. No Doormat Division for these guys, but look for a really bad game here.

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals