DOORMAT DIVISION: CHAMPIONS! NFL WEEK 17 Final Wrap-Up

CHAMPIONS of CHUMPS

Break out the Mr. Pibb, Gladys, our team is the worst.

DOORMAT AFC CHAMP  

The Houston Toxins (2-14)

DOORMAT NFC CHAMP

The Washington Deadskins (3-13)

FIRST TO WORST!

Both of our bumbling heroes won their divisions last year, and now have won their entire respective conferences in the Doormat Division.  What a turnaround! Sometimes you just have to shock your entire fan base, slap them around, wake 'em up.  The Toxins started the season 2-0 and then lost 14 straight games, often in excruciating fashion, and often by just a couple points.   The Deadskins did the opposite, losing the opening 3 games, then toying with respectability (all the way to 3-5) before getting the groove on and losing the final 8 games (though many of those were very close games).   Both coaches got fired, Shanahan yesterday on 'Black Monday.'  Yeah, that'll fix it.

WURST TO FIRST!

On the flipside, the Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs were our NFC and AFC champs last year, and both have made the playoffs this year.  The Chiefs have reverted to form the last seven weeks, going 2-5 since starting 9-0, so the celebration there looks like it ended back in week 10.  The Chiefs will be our honorary Doormat rep in the playoffs...for one game.  The Eagles, on the other hand, are pretty darn fun to watch. 

Also worth mentioning are the Arizona Cardinals, who shake off the 'Crudinals' moniker and turn in a very respectable 10-6 record (just missing the playoffs), and the Chargers (9-7), who looked like the incredible imploding franchise last year, have somehow pulled off making the playoffs.  ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 17 FINAL STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Washington          3-13        334-478

Tampa Bay           4-12        288-389

Atlanta                4-12        353-443

Minnesota            5-10-1     391-480

NY Giants             7-9         294-383

Detroit                 7-9         395-376

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-14        276-428

Cleveland             4-12       308-406

Raiders                 4-12       322-453
Jacksonville         4-12        247-449

Buffalo                 6-10        339-388

AND NOW, SOME AWARDS:

BIGGEST SLIDE

The Detroit Kittens (7-9)

One could argue that the Deadskins should take this, but when you have a two game lead in your division in week 9 (6-3) and manage to go 1-6 the rest of the way, finishing out of the playoffs and just stinking it up at the Kat Box every week, our long-time Basement heroes take the cake.  Fired Coach Jim Schwartz posted a .338 winning percentage in his 5 years as head coach, the worst of any coach to ever hold a post for at least 5 years with the same team.  Bet on the Lions hiring a tough disciplinarian who finds out just what a kindergarten it is over there.  

THE 10 CLUB

Here is our illustrious band of Basement members for 2013, losers of at least 10 games. Forever may they recline in our Barcalounger and savor the scent coming off our beer soaked carpet in the Rumpus Room.  

CLEVELAND 4-12  (six years in a row)

BUFFALO 6-10  (five years in a row)

JACKSONVILLE 4-12  (three years in row)

OAKLAND 4-12  (two years in a row)

HOUSTON 2-14 

WASHINGTON 3-13

ATLANTA 4-12

TAMPA BAY 4-12

MINNESOTA 5-10-1

It's a solid group  in the top four of the 10 Club, and, impressively, 3 of those team's coaches survived Black Monday (Oakland, Jacksonville and Buffalo).  Their Doormat cred just went through the roof. Houston, Cleveland, Minnesota and Washington all hit the panic button, and will now swap coaches, except for Cleveland, who will go outside the main office and start asking passers-by if they'd like a job watching video and making brownies.  

BEST WORST STATISTICAL LEADERS 2013

Points scored per game:   15.4  Jacksonville

Points allowed per game: 30  Minnesota

Punts:  96  Buffalo;  95  Jacksonville

Giveaway/takeaway:  -20   Houston;  -15  NY Giants

Interceptions:  27  Eli Manning, Giants; 22  Carson Palmer, Cardinals;  22 Joe Flacco,  Ravens.

Sacks: 58  Tannehill,  Dolphins.

QB rating: 65.1  Smith, Jets

Fumbles:  8  Stafford,  Lions

Yards gained per game:  277   Bucs (worst overall rated offense)
Passing yards per game:  176.3  Bucs

Rushing yards per game:  77.9 Atlanta

DEFENSE
Yards allowed per game:  415.3  Cowboys
3rd down conversions allowed:  45.9%  Atlanta
4th down conversions allowed: 9-12  (75%)  Jaguars
most penalties:  128  Seahawks; 123 Rams; 121 Bucs

Fewest interceptions by defense:  7 Texans;  9 Raiders
Fewest sacks by defense:  31  Jaguars, Bears;  32 Houston, Atlanta

DOORMAT DIVISION 11-year STANDINGS

Ever since the Raiders lost the Super Bowl after the 2002 season, getting blown out by the Tampa Bay Bucs, the Curse of Chucky has been effect (Jon Gruden's revenge), as the Silver and Blacked Out have not registered a winning season since then.  Until the Raiders have a winning season, all long-term Doormat Standings will begin with the 2003 season.  
 
OAKLAND RAIDERS     53-123

DETROIT LIONS          55-121

CLEVELAND BROWNS  56-120

ST. LOUIS RAMS         63-113

BUFFALO BILLS          69-107      

aaaAAAAaAAnd THAT's The View from the BASEMENT!!!