DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 16 TAKING OUT THE CHRISTMAS TRASH

I had to fight my way across the patio this morning.  All those Parity teams, hanging around the dying embers of the grill, longingly peering through the smudged sliding glass door into the Basement, it's embarrassing.  It took everything I had, and the BBQ tongs, to make it into the intimate confines of the press closet.  Buncha 7-8 wannabes....

Ya know, Losing never has a plan.  It is only through careful mis- calculation, meticulous blindness, systemic misunderstanding of human nature, and a healthy lack of talent (but not always needed), or lack of assessment of talent, to hit paydirt to be the perennial worst at something.  In our beloved NFL, the few franchises that seem to not care who owns the club, who coaches it, how loyal the fans are- they are the ones that maintain these elements over the course of decades.  The Cleveland Browns, the Detroit Lions, the Cleveland Browns,  the Buffalo Bills, the Detroit Lions, the Oakland Raiders, and lastly, the Cleveland Browns.   To be fair, it's really just the Browns that are really flailing, but Lions fans would give you a lively argument on that.  

THE BUFFALO BILLS (6-9)
The Nils are frantically trying to avoid 5 straight years of 10 losses or more.  Win one more and they attain 'mediocrity' and finish the season in the Parity Division, the Purgatory of the NFL.  They have already made it to 14 straight years out of the playoffs, the current longest streak.   They haven't won a playoff game in 18 years.  The last time the Bills won a championship (AFL) was 1965.  Add in the 0-4 record in the Super Bowl, and you've got a winner, so to speak.  The NHL Sabres have never won the Stanley Cup.  All other pro teams ran off some time ago.  

CLEVELAND BROWNS (4-11)
The Browns come skidding in with 6 straight years of 10 losses or more (current best), and 11  years out of the playoffs, and 16 years since they last won a playoff game.  Their last NFL championship (they have never been in the Super Bowl) was 1964, the most recent championship by any pro sports team in the Cleveland area.  So, hey, the Brownies have bragging rights in Cleveland.  And for you nit-pickers out there, yes, the old Browns moved to Baltimore- but the new Browns officially inherited the Old Browns history.  The Ravens are considered to have begun their history the day they moved to Baltimore.  By the way, our possum needs to be nit-picked.

DETROIT LIONS (7-8)
It's really a shame they can't play just one more game for the Lions this season, I think they'd make it to 10 losses.  The Kitties haven't won a playoff game in 22 years (tied with the Bengals for longest drought), always have to buy tickets to the Super Bowl, and last won an NFL Championship in 1957.  That's back when guys tackled properly.  And a horse collar tackle was legal.  Cars had fins.  

OAKLAND RAIDERS  (4-11)
Having yet another dreadful season, the Raiders are stilled owned by the Davis family and are still not coached by Jon Gruden, so I don't know when this is going to stop.  Let's just stand back and enjoy the ride.  11 seasons out of the playoffs now (last playoff game Super Bowl XXXVII where they lost to Jon Gruden in the revenge game of the century) and 11 seasons since a playoff victory.   The Curse of Chuckie still in effect.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 16 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Washington          3-12        328-458

Tampa Bay           4-11        271-347

Atlanta                4-11        333-422

Minnesota            4-10-1     377-467

NY Giants             6-9         274-377

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-13        266-412

Cleveland             4-11       301-386

Raiders                 4-11       308-419
Jacksonville         4-11        237-419

Buffalo                 6-9          319-354

THE WRAP-UP IN 50 words or less, unless I use more

DOLPHINS 0,  BILLS 19

With a playoff game in the balance, the Fins throw 2 interceptions, get 6 first downs, punt 10 times, get sacked 7, go 2-14 on 3rd down, never make it to the red zone, and lay a giant g00se egg.  WHOA!!  The Bills are charged with playing solid defense, win two in a row for the first time this year, and really confuse their fans.  Merry Christmas, Buffalo.  (Bills only Doormat team to win in week 16).

VIKINGS 14,  BENGALS 42

Brr!  The Yikings had to play outdoors in December.  Hey!  No fair!  0-7-1 on the road. Wait'll next year guys- all your home games are in a college stadium outside.  Mwa-ha-ha!  Matt Cassell finally plays the kind of game we know him for- 10 first downs, 0-9 on 3rd down, 94 yards passing, 3 interceptions , no trips to red zone.  Yes!

Vikes jon the 10 Club.   I like the horned helmet thing on the bar.  Nice touch.

CHIEFS 7, COLTS 23

What's that you say, Chiefs are not a Doormat anymore?  What?  The Cheaps haven't won a playoff game in 19 years.  Let's make it 20.

BUCS 13, RAMS 23

The best team with a losing record- the Rams- win two in a row and I give them a shot at beating the stumbling Seahawks next week.  A bb-gun kinda shot, but it's still a shot.   Bucs finished their season two weeks ago, and can still win the Doormat NFC.

BROWNS 13, JETS 24 

There is no shame in losing to the New York Jets...if you're one of those people who just has no shame.  "I'm not happy with that game," Browns coach Rob Chudzinski said. "It's unacceptable. It was a tough game to swallow."  Geez, what a grouch.

REDSKINKS 23,  COW-TIPPERS 24

One team playing for it's playoff life, and the other vying for a berth in the Doormat Bowl.  Both achieve their objective!  It's a Wonderful Life.  

 JAGUARS 16, TITANS 20
Need to break a losing streak?  Come to Jacksonville.  Every empty seat in the stadium is one of your fans.  The Silence is Golden. The Gaguars (4-11), having righted their ship and lost two straight, keep just a game behind the streaking Redskins (3-12).  

 TEXANS 13, BRONCOS 37
Our fearless leaders get stampeded, nail down the Doormat AFC title, help Peyton Manning set a record or two, and call it a day.  Matt Schaub does his Matt Cassel impression.  Not there, yet, but it's only a matter of time.  Wanna bet he shows up in Minneapolis next year on the frozen Golden Gopher turf?  Does that sound great, or what?

LIONS 20, GIANTS 23 (OT)
Whatever the Lions (7-8) are doing, it's hard to top.  Is Jim Schwartz fired yet?  No?  That's only because the owners are busy wrapping presents, instead of a golf club around Matt Stafford's head.  I nominate the Lions for Best Late Season Collapse of 2013 (whereas last year was just the whole season). Sporting a two game lead in their division in week 10, the Kittens pinch a stinker in the Kat Box and don't even bother to cover it.  After opening the season with six straight losses, the Giants, even with their interception wizard throwing to anybody that runs out on the field, have gone 6-3.   I hope some Detroit fans brought their Matt Millen cut-outs with them yesterday.  Anything to shield themselves from the toxic pile out there on the field. 

RAIDERS 13, CHARGERS 26
The Chargers are petitioning the NFL league office to play the Raiders again next week.  Also, for the first 4 games next season.

FLAILCONS 24,  49ERS 34
You saw it.  Everybody's seen it.  Nobody loses like the Falcons do.  They just dish up the most insane ways to look like they're gonna pull it off and- nope!  Stumbling through a Doormat Glory season, the Falcons get their rematch of the 2012 NFC Championship and pretty much replay the tape.  Hats off to the Falcons for making the Niners final game at Candlestink Park a very very golden memory.  This is the kind of service our Doormat franchises can do for you!

aaaaAAAND That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!  !!