NFL WEEK 17 FINAL: DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!!!

2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!

What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans.  We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner.  If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!

The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss.  Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work.  No parity for THESE guys.  

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)

NFC

TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)

DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF

x-Tampa Bay    2-14             277      410     -133

Washington      4-12              301      438     -137

Chicago            5-11             319      442     -123

NY Giants        6-10             380      400      -20

Atlanta             6-10              381      417      -36

St Louis            6-10             324      354      -30

AFC             

x-Tennessee     2-14            254       438     -184 

Oakland           3-13            253       452     -199 

Jacksonville     3-13            249       412     -163    

NY Jets            4-12            283       401     -118

Cleveland         7-9              2299     337     -38

Game of the Week:

BUCS 20,  SAINTS 23

I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft.  Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss.  They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season.  What a performance.  

CRUCIAL GAMES:

TITANS 10, COLTS 27

The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet.  It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.  

GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34

It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost!  The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.  

RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20

Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.

There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition.  Savor it.

ATLANTA 3,  CAROLINA 34

 Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement?  The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for!  TWO pick-sixes, TWO.  It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over!  Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game.  Just WOW.  

This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now.  By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.  

CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20

It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North. 

RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47

The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams.  So very very close.  Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935.  Ok I made that up.

BEARS 9,  VIKINGS 13

They almost froze to death.  It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings.  The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season.  Better luck next year, team!

FIRED:  Trestman, Ryan, Smith

Roll those head coaching heads!  Chicago sacks Marc Trestman,  the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith.   Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.

THE 10 CLUB

The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season. 

The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.  

Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:

JACKSONVILLE   3-13   (four years in a row)

TAMPA BAY  2-14   (2 years in a row)

WASHINGTON  4-12 (2 years)

OAKLAND  3-13  (2 years)

ATLANTA  6-10  (2 years)

NY Jets  4-12

TENNESSEE 2-14  

NY GIANTS 6-10

ST. LOUIS  6-10

CHICAGO  5-11

OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio,  with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement.  It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it.  We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.

CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from 

 THE BASEMENT!!

JOHNNY LETDOWN! THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!

Johnny Letdown Mobbed!  And not By Browns Fans!  JETS AND TITANS IN BASEBALL GAME!  RAIDERS BACK ON TOP! NFC SOUTH CONTINUES TO CHALLENGE US! ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY! WE'RE IN THE NY TIMES (sort of)!

Yes, there was an article in the NY Times about Fantasy football leagues now starting to be all about who has the worst team.  We've been doing it for SIX YEARS now, folks, you're just now figuring out that there is far more failure in football than success?  Football is all about failure- so few plays actually work.  It's the operating principle. Somebody give us some props!!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 15
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-12              254      367     -113

Washington     3-11              257      370     -113 
Chicago           5-9              296       409      -113

NY Giants        5-9               317      339      -22

Atlanta            5-9               348      369      -21

*playing tonight!

AFC             

Oakland           2-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     2-12            211       376     -165

Tennessee        2-12            231       390    -159         

NY Jets            3-11            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-7              276       300     -24

THE GAMES

BROWNS 0, BENGALS 30

I understand now. Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslem is way ahead of us.  The Browns benched struggling QB Brian Hoyer for the biggest game of the Browns season because they had a rookie QB who was ready and rarin' to do everything wrong! Hoyer's poor footwork? Pish posh! How about frantic chaos instead? The Johnny Letdown era began with a thunderous thud (the sound of Brownie fans slamming their heads against any available surface):  5 first downs!  107 total net yards of empty offense! On the run and looking scared! 1-10 on 3rd down, a couple interceptions, and NO points.  Oh, my the Browns are back to .500 and getting ready for their photo-op out by our BBQ! 

  

But let's go upstairs- it wasn't Johnny's idea to be put in a must-win game late in the season against a bitter rival- it was the coach and the Bosses of Blank Helmet Football. The Brownie Way has never been more clearly articulated on the field as yesterday.  Reverse Engineering to the bottom of the pile. 

So, yes, Johnny No-Touchdowns came on big, big, big, but  the whole team bungled their way through this one, and now they only have to tank two more games (looks like a snap right now!!), and the Beloved Brownie Blank Hats of the Bumbling Basement will be right back home with us at 7-9.

RRRRAIDERS 13, CHIEFS 31

Yesterday's palindrome game featured this season high in punts-  ELEVEN by Marquette King. If not for the charity drives donated by KC during garbage time, it could have been 13. The Chiefs are always willing to keep a game within reach of any Doormat team. But the Raiders came out after half time and, despite one quick KC turnover, got masterfully blown out yet again a week after a victory. The loss puts them back in first in the Doormat AFC. There is an art to suddenly diving all 11 guys on defense up to the line of scrimmage and turning a 3 yard dink pass turning into a 70-yard touchdown, and the Raiders are artistes at it.

TITANS 11, JETS 16

It was 5-3 at halftime. There was a huge brawl. Anything to take attention away from this game. The Titans come out on top, though, as the Jets just got a little too angry and drove for the winning touchdown late in the 4th quarter. It was the first NFL game to ever end 16-11. SO?  After the game, coach Rex Ryan thought his Jets still had only 2 victories, which means he STILL thinks they should have lost one those games. Argh!

The Titanics tried a multi-lateral play on the final play of the game, reaching the Jet 9 yard line.  Whoa whoa whoa!  However, no trombonists appeared in the end zone, and the game ended safely.  Titans, at 2-12, are still tied for first in the AFC.  Jets' (3-11) chance at the Moldy Carpet is crumbling.

BUCCANEERS 17,  PANTHERS 19

Somebody had to win.  Panther QB Cam Newton, recovering from his auto accident, handed over QB duties to Doormat pro Derek Anderson and...actually, he didn't do too bad, and that's good enough against the Bucs, who will lose any game if they get a decent opportunity.  Bucs (2-12) stay one precarious game ahead of Washington (3-11) for the NFC lead.

WASHINGTON 13, GIANTS 24

With a chance to move into a second place tie in the NFC, the Giants just can't come up with a defining turnover or huge play for the Sunburns.  QB Clots McCoy got an owie and RGB (red-green-black) III took over and guided the 'Skins to gory.  Glory. 

Moldy Carpet Outlook

With two games to go, the NFC is between the Bucs and the 'Skins.  The 'Skins should fall to Philly and Dallas to finish up 3-13, and the Bucs have Green Bay (who will be really really angry) and then the Saints.  The Saints are the trap game, as they may SOMEHOW be out of playoff contention by then. If they are, they may all be golfing already, and the Bucs could win the damn game, mess up their draft pick and end 3-13.  This would be disastrous, because the 'Skins have already lost to the Bucs back in week 11, 27-7.  So, the Bucs have to stay the course and finish up strong.

In the AFC, the logjam is something to behold.  Never have we had a 3-way tie this late in the season, and at 2-12 the Jags, Titans and Raiders are all deserving of the Moldy Carpet trophy.  

But next week, the Jags and Titans face off in the hugest game of the season in the Doormat.  Whoever comes out on top is the loser in this one.  Tennessee won the first battle 16-14 back in week 6.  After next week, the Gags face Houston, no gimme, and the Titanics get the Colts, who will be either be playing for a home field advantage in the playoffs or they'll be taking the week off, and playing 3rd string and volunteers from the stands.  So, it will come down to the final week for one of these teams. 

The Raiders have  Buffalo at home and the Broncos in Denver.  Raiders play better at home, could beat Bills after their huge high from beating the Pack.  Bills still in playoff contention, though, so I think the Raiders run the table.  This means it will come down to a tie breaker, and Oakland hasn't faced the Titans or Jags. If Jags and Bucs end in a tie for first, and the Raiders win their last two (oh please), the head-to-head of Jags and Bucs comes into play.  All the Jags gotta do is lose both games to the Titans and have a bigger point differential than the Raiders to be the Champ. That's a tall order, because the Raiders can lose big, and lately they've been really racking up the points.
My money is on the Raiders.  

NFC  SOUTH

Atlanta is fading, the Saints have to lose to Chicago tonight.  If the trend holds, the Panthers will LEAD the NFC South at 5-8-1 with 2 games to go.  6-9-1 or 6-10 takes it.  Atlanta and NO play each other next week. Pray for a tie. Then the next week Atlanta and Carolina collide in the most epic battle of Divisional embarrassment ev- actually, I'm loving it.  I'm still holding that whoever wins this Basement division will go all the way to the Super Bowl, and then they'll cancel it.

OKAY FOLKS 

annnNNNND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!  

Weak XII Predictions

WackoWorld weighs in with first predictions (with scores) of the year:

Seahags 24 Lambs 3 Lambs are the worst team in the league, unless it's the other guys.

Today, it's the Lambs.

Bootineers 10 Atlanta 34 Boots have fired the offensive AND defensive coordinators. So, now they have no plays. Youngest coach in the league soon to be youngest fired coach.

Brownies 17 Bengals 21 Bengals let anybody stay in a game. And I mean anybody today. So, Brownies get to score some more points (unlike the Kittens who can stop momentum dead in its tracks), but next week will make up for it with a negative score (will be NFL first).

Cheaps 0 Chargers 42 Cheaps come down to earth, hard, after two wins. Chargers on fire.

Deadskins 13 Eagles 12 Oh, I don't know. Why not? Eagles proven they can lost to a Cellar team, and have played five of them. Deadskins on verge of mediocrity.

Nils 6 Floppers 20 Floppers remember their days in the Cellar, and aren't coming back. Nils continue free fall. Watch out Cleveland. Another floater on Lake Erie.

Titanics 17 Cardinals 7 Kurt Warner will woozy his way to a multiple interception day, and the Titanics score at least 1 defensive touchdown.

Worst Team of the Weak prediction: Cheaps.

I can see I've gone way out on a limb, predicting two Cellar victories. I must be getting soft in the head. The Titanics only marginally qualify, though, so I will stand by my picks, until the linemen start coming through unabated.