JOHNNY LETDOWN! THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!

Johnny Letdown Mobbed!  And not By Browns Fans!  JETS AND TITANS IN BASEBALL GAME!  RAIDERS BACK ON TOP! NFC SOUTH CONTINUES TO CHALLENGE US! ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY! WE'RE IN THE NY TIMES (sort of)!

Yes, there was an article in the NY Times about Fantasy football leagues now starting to be all about who has the worst team.  We've been doing it for SIX YEARS now, folks, you're just now figuring out that there is far more failure in football than success?  Football is all about failure- so few plays actually work.  It's the operating principle. Somebody give us some props!!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 15
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-12              254      367     -113

Washington     3-11              257      370     -113 
Chicago           5-9              296       409      -113

NY Giants        5-9               317      339      -22

Atlanta            5-9               348      369      -21

*playing tonight!

AFC             

Oakland           2-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     2-12            211       376     -165

Tennessee        2-12            231       390    -159         

NY Jets            3-11            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-7              276       300     -24

THE GAMES

BROWNS 0, BENGALS 30

I understand now. Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslem is way ahead of us.  The Browns benched struggling QB Brian Hoyer for the biggest game of the Browns season because they had a rookie QB who was ready and rarin' to do everything wrong! Hoyer's poor footwork? Pish posh! How about frantic chaos instead? The Johnny Letdown era began with a thunderous thud (the sound of Brownie fans slamming their heads against any available surface):  5 first downs!  107 total net yards of empty offense! On the run and looking scared! 1-10 on 3rd down, a couple interceptions, and NO points.  Oh, my the Browns are back to .500 and getting ready for their photo-op out by our BBQ! 

  

But let's go upstairs- it wasn't Johnny's idea to be put in a must-win game late in the season against a bitter rival- it was the coach and the Bosses of Blank Helmet Football. The Brownie Way has never been more clearly articulated on the field as yesterday.  Reverse Engineering to the bottom of the pile. 

So, yes, Johnny No-Touchdowns came on big, big, big, but  the whole team bungled their way through this one, and now they only have to tank two more games (looks like a snap right now!!), and the Beloved Brownie Blank Hats of the Bumbling Basement will be right back home with us at 7-9.

RRRRAIDERS 13, CHIEFS 31

Yesterday's palindrome game featured this season high in punts-  ELEVEN by Marquette King. If not for the charity drives donated by KC during garbage time, it could have been 13. The Chiefs are always willing to keep a game within reach of any Doormat team. But the Raiders came out after half time and, despite one quick KC turnover, got masterfully blown out yet again a week after a victory. The loss puts them back in first in the Doormat AFC. There is an art to suddenly diving all 11 guys on defense up to the line of scrimmage and turning a 3 yard dink pass turning into a 70-yard touchdown, and the Raiders are artistes at it.

TITANS 11, JETS 16

It was 5-3 at halftime. There was a huge brawl. Anything to take attention away from this game. The Titans come out on top, though, as the Jets just got a little too angry and drove for the winning touchdown late in the 4th quarter. It was the first NFL game to ever end 16-11. SO?  After the game, coach Rex Ryan thought his Jets still had only 2 victories, which means he STILL thinks they should have lost one those games. Argh!

The Titanics tried a multi-lateral play on the final play of the game, reaching the Jet 9 yard line.  Whoa whoa whoa!  However, no trombonists appeared in the end zone, and the game ended safely.  Titans, at 2-12, are still tied for first in the AFC.  Jets' (3-11) chance at the Moldy Carpet is crumbling.

BUCCANEERS 17,  PANTHERS 19

Somebody had to win.  Panther QB Cam Newton, recovering from his auto accident, handed over QB duties to Doormat pro Derek Anderson and...actually, he didn't do too bad, and that's good enough against the Bucs, who will lose any game if they get a decent opportunity.  Bucs (2-12) stay one precarious game ahead of Washington (3-11) for the NFC lead.

WASHINGTON 13, GIANTS 24

With a chance to move into a second place tie in the NFC, the Giants just can't come up with a defining turnover or huge play for the Sunburns.  QB Clots McCoy got an owie and RGB (red-green-black) III took over and guided the 'Skins to gory.  Glory. 

Moldy Carpet Outlook

With two games to go, the NFC is between the Bucs and the 'Skins.  The 'Skins should fall to Philly and Dallas to finish up 3-13, and the Bucs have Green Bay (who will be really really angry) and then the Saints.  The Saints are the trap game, as they may SOMEHOW be out of playoff contention by then. If they are, they may all be golfing already, and the Bucs could win the damn game, mess up their draft pick and end 3-13.  This would be disastrous, because the 'Skins have already lost to the Bucs back in week 11, 27-7.  So, the Bucs have to stay the course and finish up strong.

In the AFC, the logjam is something to behold.  Never have we had a 3-way tie this late in the season, and at 2-12 the Jags, Titans and Raiders are all deserving of the Moldy Carpet trophy.  

But next week, the Jags and Titans face off in the hugest game of the season in the Doormat.  Whoever comes out on top is the loser in this one.  Tennessee won the first battle 16-14 back in week 6.  After next week, the Gags face Houston, no gimme, and the Titanics get the Colts, who will be either be playing for a home field advantage in the playoffs or they'll be taking the week off, and playing 3rd string and volunteers from the stands.  So, it will come down to the final week for one of these teams. 

The Raiders have  Buffalo at home and the Broncos in Denver.  Raiders play better at home, could beat Bills after their huge high from beating the Pack.  Bills still in playoff contention, though, so I think the Raiders run the table.  This means it will come down to a tie breaker, and Oakland hasn't faced the Titans or Jags. If Jags and Bucs end in a tie for first, and the Raiders win their last two (oh please), the head-to-head of Jags and Bucs comes into play.  All the Jags gotta do is lose both games to the Titans and have a bigger point differential than the Raiders to be the Champ. That's a tall order, because the Raiders can lose big, and lately they've been really racking up the points.
My money is on the Raiders.  

NFC  SOUTH

Atlanta is fading, the Saints have to lose to Chicago tonight.  If the trend holds, the Panthers will LEAD the NFC South at 5-8-1 with 2 games to go.  6-9-1 or 6-10 takes it.  Atlanta and NO play each other next week. Pray for a tie. Then the next week Atlanta and Carolina collide in the most epic battle of Divisional embarrassment ev- actually, I'm loving it.  I'm still holding that whoever wins this Basement division will go all the way to the Super Bowl, and then they'll cancel it.

OKAY FOLKS 

annnNNNND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!  

NFL Doormat Turkeys Named

After spinning a frozen turkey on the Doormat basement floor for the last few years, it occurred to me that we should give a few away as a gesture of thanks to the NFL for providing us with the best in bad football. After all, bad football makes great spectacle, and what else is a spectator looking for? Even Dan Patrick, a Fox Sports NFL pundit, admitted that he watched the Buffalo/Jets game instead of the Baltimore/New Orleans game on Monday because: "It was so bad I couldn't stop watching. I wanted to see just how bad New York could get."

And so--a day late admittedly--we present the Doormat NFL Turkeys of the Year. Now, I am sure we have missed a few here, so please post your suggestions!

1. NFC South. Not much to say here as Wacko already nailed it in the post below: NFC South Replace Doormat Division, Basement Redecorated. This division is definitely the 43 pound turkey you can't fit in the oven. We thought 2010 was a milestone in NFL history with a losing team making the playoffs--Seattle Seahawks--but this year the NFC South has taken the game "Down a Notch," as we like to say around here. That's a compliment, by the way. Wait a sec, the coffee water is boiling.

OK, coffee in hand, here is the second Turkey award.

2. Johnnie Manziel. He may be the Golden Turkey that laid the Goose Egg. He hasn't taken a snap since week 3--and I think he has only had a dozen or so snaps all year--but he still insists on appearing in bad TV commercials, parading around with his own posse, and getting into scuffles in hotel lobbies at 2:30 a.m. the day of a game. But what does he care? He ain't gonna play anyway. He can take a nice nap on the bench. This guy has lots of tools--and I am not going to step into that joke zone--but none of the attitude. My guess is the Browns are already calling this draft choice a brown wedgie and looking for options to flush this guy out of the clubhouse.

3. Roger Goodell. Like a class-act doormat quarterback, Goodell missed at least three open men and chose to toss one into heavy coverage for a pick-6. Insisting they didn't see the tape--though the police say they offered it to the NFL--it finally turns up the day after the casino closes. Did a security person decide it was a well-deserved bonus if he sold it to TMZ? Great TV drama material here, but the reality is, Goodell botched this one and the NFL suffered.

4. RGIII. Or is it the Redskins management? You can't really blame RG for underperforming considering he really had a career-ending injury two years ago. Then they played him while injured because winning a playoff game was worth risking the career of possibly a hall of famer. Now the Skins management are suggesting RG doesn't work hard enough. Turkeys all around here, guys!

5. Drew Brees. Wow, he really looks bad--for Brees--most doormat QBs would be thrilled to have his 2014 stats. But to win your division, you gotta play at the elite level. Wait a minute. Saints are in the NFC South, where you can win playing at any level you choose. So.......if they can squeak in there, and if Brees gets his game on again, and the whole team gets a lift from that, we could see a 6-10 team in the NFC conference championship game. Hey, hope dies hard in the basement.

6. Adrian Petersen. It's all been said.

7. Doug Martin (Tampa Bay RB). After a almost 1,500 yard rookie season in 2012, Martin has underperformed, sinking this year to 193 yrds (2.8 per carry) in week 12.


There are plenty of other turkeys, more than the Salvation Army serves up on Thanksgiving. The 49ers come to mind, but let's give them two more games before sending them a turkey.

Let us know who you think deserves a Turkey Award this year.